by Richard Parr
"Great. Show me the way into show business."
Rodeena, Elwood and 234 chuckled at the sight of Wingclipper receiving a dose of makeup and reading a script. Their attention was quickly diverted by the alert bleep sounded by Bink who was scanning the mezzanine floor.
"u--u-y---g--g--e--u."
"What's up with Bink?" said Elwood.
"o--f-f-a-a---e---e-a."
"You need to get your sensors tested. When is the last time your circuitry was updated?"
Rodeena stepped forward and focused upstairs.
"I don't think he's malfunctioning, 234. He's alerting us to danger."
Without warning, Bink floated up some steps and zoned in on its target.
The others followed. Bink bleeped and they hid behind a wall. Rodeena saw that Bink was focusing on a hair-gelled, efficiently groomed man. This man had slowed his canter to a trail, paying attention to anything in pursuit. He glanced back and saw just a myriad of patrolling guards, cleaners, a family of aliens searching for a religious seasonal toy that would be played with for ten minutes before getting discarded in favour of the packaging it came in, and several fluffy white balls with massive green eyes singing and dancing in unison to a tribal tune. He then saw the crew of the Chromium Bullet pretending to take interest in a large poster depicting beach and mountaineering holidays on distant temperate planets. The man thought nothing of them and continued at pace to his destination. His commercial career may have been over, but at least he was getting the keys to a new ship and a new life.
The crew tracked him all the way to a bar for captains of vessels preparing to leave. The chauffeur would first bring the ship into its departure bay, then freshen it up with air scent and a swift clean of the interior decor, then go to the bar to hand the key to the owner - or in the case of Wingclipper, the unofficial taker.
The crew stood at the bar's window and watched him greet a chauffeur at a far table. Elwood used a scope to zoom in. It was the chauffeur who had taken the ship's key. The chauffeur revealed the key to the man, who took it and handed over a thick wad of notes in exchange. The chauffeur thumbed through them individually and nodded his approval. With a sense of alarm and urgency, Elwood put away the scope.
"If we don't act now, we will be stranded here," he said.
* * * * *
"You're not supposed to be going in for a kiss," bleated the director as Wingclipper ruined another take. The actress cowered away from his wandering arm. "Just make her feel slightly uncomfortable. No, don't put your hand on her leg! Honey, all you have to do is sit there. Exactly like that. That's perfect. Ok, chicken wing dipper. You are endorsing Creep spray. Remember, you are the official face of creep."
"Creep face," said Wingclipper in self-admiration. "So masculine. Ok, I'm ready for another take. Is the camera rolling?"
"Not yet," said the director.
"Good."
Wingclipper leaned in for the kiss and the actress whacked him full pelt in the twin potatoes. He exhaled violently.
Suddenly, the resounding voice of the Kapital's intercom interrupted everyone.
"Parking bay 291A, you are cleared for departure. Please return to your ship. I repeat, parking bay 291A, you are cleared for departure."
"291A?" said Wingclipper. "That's my ship." He stood up and held his groin. "Are they trying to leave without me?"
"Wait," snapped the director. "Where do you think you are going? We have a commercial to finish! Hey, come back here! Ah, this isn't my day! I can't be fussed with this any longer. Someone get the unpaid intern to stand in."
* * * * *
"Get out of my way, I need to speak to those men!"
Elwood terrorised the customers as he brandished a pistol and aimed it at the chauffeur and the runaway actor at the far table. He called out to them and caught their expressions as two sets of horrified dinner plate eyes gazed back. They ducked and weaved under tables as Elwood fired several shots. The bartender dropped his towel and threw himself over the bar against Elwood, knocking him against the far wall and using his superior might to impede his progress. Elwood tried to crawl but the bartender's excess flab was too powerful a restriction cushion and muffling device for him to protest or wriggle his way out. Just when he thought he had won, the bartender gave out a yodel yelp. The pneumatic destruction system of 234's reinforced arms picked him up around his waist and catapulted him away like a mouldy orange. Elwood spent a moment trying to inflate his chest.
Rodeena heard clattering and looked up, tracing movement through the ceiling. She focused on a point in the bar's kitchen and followed a trail of spilt sauces to a grate cover lying in the sink. She looked up and saw an opening in the ventilation shaft. With extra strength and a tail whip, she snapped herself against gravity, clinging to the edge and lifting herself up. Crawling along, she weaved past insects and nasty, biting creatures ready to tear into her skin, then felt a rush of wind. She was coming to an opening. Light entered and she peered out.
It was the departure bay. Ships landed and took off relentlessly. She spotted two men in the distance having an argument and slipped down without making a sound.
Elwood reached the door leading outside to the departure bay. Bink and 234 followed while having a heated discussion.
"Wait a minute. We did not get a chance to look at the dresses on special offer."
"o--i-o-ww-a-s-d-f-ss-a-a-a-h."
"I know we are in a serious situation, but there is still time to head back and take a final look around. I want a nice fitting item for the party next week."
Bink zapped 234 in the forehead with his electron beam, sending out sparks and causing 234 to spin in a frantic rage. He chased the floating droid on to the launch pad and arriving ships had to dodge them in rapid succession. Their arguing caused a jam to develop and for the launch pad operator to lose the last of his shit. As they argued, Elwood sneaked up on the chauffeur and the actor from the opposite side to Rodeena. He acknowledged her and they crept together slowly. But then, the launch pad operator stormed from his control tower and hurried across a rushing traffic lane, nearly getting clipped by a pod bike, and hammered an enraged flurry of insults at the two men. The actor felt the sharp end of a pistol dig into his spine.
"Hand over the key," said Elwood.
"What is going on here? Are you trying to get us all killed?" yelled the launch pad operator at his employee. The chauffeur lost his patience in the tense moment and kicked his boss in the stomach. He flew across the concrete like a space hopper. Distracted by the fighting, Elwood's grip slackened, and the actor, sensing the upper hand, responded quickly. He ducked, span around and fired a can of Creep spray in Elwood's face. Elwood dropped his pistol and covered his streaming eyes. The actor saw Rodeena, pressed the key and activated the Chromium Bullet's ramp. It wobbled as it dropped, sticking into place with jagged jumps, and the actor sprinted into the entry way. With the ramp closing, Rodeena ran and jumped with her tail whipping her forwards. She landed face down on the unforgiving surface. Darkness enmeshed her. The sound of the traffic was replaced with the echo of her breath.
* * * * *
"291A, please prepare your engines for departure. 292A you are cleared for takeoff. Final call for 297A, please return to your ship and await departure instructions..."
Wingclipper stared at the vast grey expanse of the departure bay from the panoramic viewing window. With hands pressed firmly on the glass and leaving a sweaty imprint, he witnessed the scene unfolding in the distance: a dual gendered robot scrapping with a small floating ball droid, the launch pad operator engaged in fist to fist combat with his chauffeur, and an earth man who looked like he was crying.
"Typical. Absolutely typical. I give them some time alone, and they're already causing trouble and trying to leave without me. This is a disaster for my film career. Guess I will have to put that dream on hold too."
"Sir, is that your ship?" said a passing waitress. She gestured to a freshly gold plated regal executive hexagonal vessel
with a maze bodywork design and little light blue flames emitting from the engine. Wingclipper gave her body a fleeting north to south check out and decided he liked her lime green braided hair and sizeable assets.
"Why, yes it is," he said in a deeper voice. "In fact, I'm cashing her in for an upgrade."
"It's being towed away."
Wingclipper looked again and saw the giant chains attached to the six corners of a ship. He watched an overhead crane descend and lock on, lifting it and dropping it carelessly in the quarantined police zone. He swore through clenched teeth and walked casually away. He winked at her, then ran.
"That lizard had better not be sitting in my cockpit."
* * * * *
Rodeena felt it - the snap of the Creep can ready to pulverise her vision and knock her senses into sobbing disarray. The villain was inches in front of her. Against the darkness of the command room she could see the whites of his eyes pouring out, focused intently on every minute move or decision. Fortunately, she knew exactly where she was standing, and poised in the tenseness of the situation, she would have to act faster than a ship entering a wormhole.
"You're going to sit with me and fly this ship off the station. Understand?"
Rodeena lashed her tail and hit a button on a control panel. The round table the actor was leaning against flipped over, sending him skyrocketing backwards and somersaulting. Rodeena flicked on the lights and in a swift move, wrapped her tail around his neck and constricted the blood flow. He protested until he passed out.
Rodeena slumped in exhausted relief.
* * * * *
The chauffeur armed himself with a pistol against the protesting little launch pad operator now flat on his knees.
"Ok, you can have a pay rise, you can take my ship, you can even have my pay for this month. Just don't shoot me. I know this station is impossible to run with so much traffic and you lose track of where you have parked whose ships, but this really isn't about the job. This is about sparing a man's life. We can forget this ever happened."
"I want ten thousand in notes and a departure visa."
"I can't get you a visa."
The chauffeur could barely comprehend what hit him.
The lasso effect of the ship's tow cable was fired with expert accuracy. He became entangled and mummified with a repeated wrapping technique that span him out of control. The cable was reeled in and he was dragged across the concrete, helpless and obsolete. Rodeena emerged from the ramp and assessed her prize. The chauffeur mumbled a dejected diatribe. Rodeena then checked on Elwood. He was blinking less and the colour had returned to his cheeks as the effect of Creep spray petered out.
"Just creeping up on ya."
"Don't you start, Ro."
* * * * *
"And thanks to my space inspired intuition and years of experience on numerous worlds, I knew straight away that the ship...and my crew of course, were in imminent danger. The little launch pad operator apologised for the whole mess and promised us free parking."
Wingclipper's inaccurate commentary to his friend over the intercom irritated Elwood and Rodeena's ears. They looked at him with vehement annoyance.
"So is it really true?" said Wingclipper's military friend over the cockpit intercom. "We can now call you an actor?"
"You can. My friend, this is just the beginning of my on-screen career."
"Do we get to see this film?"
"When I say film, I mean more of a short film, and when I say a short film, I mean more of a commercial. It premieres on channel 425 during the first break of Xenophobic Grandfathers Say The Funniest Things. Tune in and see for yourself. I am a legend."
"What product are you endorsing?"
"A spray called Creep. I think it's a deodorant. Makes you smell...sneaky."
They tuned in. The commercial began with a gorgeous young actress sitting on a bench in the Kapital shopping centre. Wingclipper cheered as he saw himself come on screen and take a seat next to the girl. He leaned in and placed an arm around her. Next came a close up of her handbag and a hand revealing a can of Creep spray. A puff of the spray went into the air, and the next scene showed Wingclipper's painful expression having been whacked in the twin potatoes. The girl walked away and met a taller military man, climbed into his ship and took off. A voice with text came on the screen displaying a larger version of the product:
"Creep spray! Protect yourself from horny women! Creep spray uses only the finest and hottest pepper in the galaxy."
There was an epic silence interrupted by a blustering wave of laughter from Elwood and Rodeena. Wingclipper felt the humiliation, the pain of two throbbing potatoes, and the injustice of being edited out. The military had not prepared him for going 'missing in action.'
* * * * *
Elwood returned to his quarters. He rested his head against his pillow, coming down on something unusually hard. He reached underneath to see what was troubling him, brought it out, then gasped. It was a medallion attached to a thread. The engraving contained a ringed planet next to a sword. All he could think of was the mirror and the boiling lake.
The emblem glowed a crystal light blue. A sign...
* * * * *
Written by Richard Parr
* * * * *
About the Author
Richard Parr was born in 1986 in England and lives in Nottingham. He has travelled to 20 countries and runs a blog at HumanEmbodiment.com.
Contact Me
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @HumanEmbodiment
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