by Mel Braxton
Ulani. You mention her from time to time, but always avoid talking about her.
“She’s hard to talk about.”
I don’t understand, but I want to. You’ve been sad lately, maybe it’ll help to talk about your past.
Elysa considered. There was a good reason she hadn’t talked about Ulani: it was too painful.
This entire misadventure had begun the day she had rushed to see Ulani as quick as possible, at any cost. Elysa still cursed her haste in making an unsafe flight plan, one that had trapped her in the middle of uncolonized space.
But how much time had passed since then? The Onyx would know, but she’d lost track. Not that she’d tried too hard to count.
Yet she still daydreamed of a reunion that seemed unlikely to happen. Had Ulani given her up for dead and moved on? Or was she waiting for her return? Elysa didn’t know which she wanted to be true.
But as she probed the old wound, she realized it hurt less to think about Ulani today. Maybe Illiam was right; maybe it was time for her to tell this story.
VI
Elysa fingered a sweet-nut, brought it to her mouth, and sucked it dry. Finally, she chewed, swallowed, and began talking, “Ulani was like a goddess that I never deserved...
—(|-|)—
We met on Aquila Station once it was reopened to the public. Ulani and I had been on different sides of the war, but by the time it was over, neither of us had the strength to hate someone because of that.
What mattered was that the war was over, and we felt that both sides had lost. Like others, we had come to Aquila Station to rebuild.
I was riding to the docks one day when the cross-station train stalled. The announcer said we had to wait for a station engineer to arrive.
That was the moment I looked up from my datapad to realize I was seated next to the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her hair was burgundy, colored to contrast her synthetically-colored golden eyes.
I was shy and looked back to my datapad. Eventually, we both ran out of ways to distract ourselves and did the bravest thing two strangers could do: talk.
And once we began to speak, the words kept coming.
Ulani isn’t reserved like me. As soon as she’s comfortable, she speaks the first thing on her mind. I don’t remember what she said, but I know the things she said made me laugh more than I’d done in years.
I looked into her strangely colored eyes and knew that I would ask her out.
—(|-|)—
Have you laughed like that with me?
“Of course I have. Do you remember that time the maliums chased down Illiam?” Elysa replied. “You’re the one who asked for this, so don’t interrupt.”
—(|-|)—
First, we met for drinks and then drinks turned into dinner. Everything happened so fast, but soon our once empty lives merged.
Maybe it was us, or maybe it was the environment of reconstruction that engulfed the station, but everything became alive. Once desolate holes-in-the-wall became vibrant bars. An abandoned warehouse became an arcade. Children ran chaotically through the reopened halls. Everything filled us with a sense that rebuilding had been time well spent.
We lived in the daylight, and at night, we comforted the other’s nightmares. We fell in love quickly, but healing took longer.
In time, Ulani proposed marriage. She asked me to leave the Onyx and live with her. It was everything I wanted and everything I feared to lose.
I accepted her proposal—but Illiam, I’m not proud of what happened next—I ran.
That night, I woke in a cold sweat. Maybe it had only been a bad dream, but I knew I was scared to stay with her.
So, I left.
I rose from our bed and left her apartment. I discovered how little there was to take with me, and the observation only affirmed my decision. There would always be the Onyx, it had been my home long before Ulani opened hers to me.
And if I stayed with Ulani, the Onyx didn’t need to be that home anymore.
Once I stepped from that room, my decision was made. All that remained was to actually leave. That was that. There was no turning back.
I filed a flight plan to Caelium Station. It had been the home of my youth, and my brother still lived there. It was a large station with plenty of jobs to take.
Did I feel guilty when I fired on the engine? There was a tightness of my stomach that I pretended was indigestion. A tiredness behind my eyes was credited to sleeplessness. Regardless, I didn’t allow myself a moment to reconsider.
I undocked the ship and approached the station’s outer boundary. Barely an hour had passed since I had woken, and Ulani probably didn’t even know I had gone.
Soon, I switched on the auto-pilot and entered hyperspace. I didn’t allow myself to think twice about my decision for the twenty-one day journey.
—(|-|)—
Elysa’s body was hot by the time she stopped talking. She jumped from the boulder and into the pool below. Reaching her foot towards the bottom of the pond, she pushed herself deeper until her toe brushed the ground.
Is that it?
She held herself underwater.
Is that when you landed here?
Elysa waited, her lungs burning, as the pull of buoyancy dragged her back to the surface.
She inhaled with one hard gasp and began treading water.
“No,” Elysa continued. “It’s not the end.”
—(|-|)—
Ulani recorded a transmission for me. She’d sent it to my brother, who gave it to me. I simultaneously cursed myself both for being so predictable and for the way I leapt with excitement at the news.
I listened to the message the moment I received it.
This became the first of many transmissions we sent over the following months.
In those first weeks, the messages were a constant argument. Each one was hot with rage and laced with unfair tactics and careless accusations.
It became clear that my disappearance wasn’t the only issue between us, but it became the disagreement that illuminated everything else.
Looking back, I’m surprised neither of us stopped responding. How we must have loved each other to push through the pain of each message.
Eventually, our fight lost its steam, and both of us were still there. We continued to send messages and wait for replies.
Slowly, we began to talk about other things. At first, it was mundane. She bragged about her students who excelled and later confided her worries for those who were running behind. I told her about my work and eventually confessed how I missed the usefulness of rebuilding a station.
Despite the lightyears between us, the transmissions made it possible for us to pretend we were together again.
Finally, I began to understand that I’d left her because I’d been afraid. I began to realize how deeply my disappearance had hurt her and asked her if she could forgive me.
She responded by inviting me back to Aquila Station.
I accepted her invitation the day I received it, and the Onyx was ready by that evening. I looked at the flight plan and saw the journey would take another twenty-one days.
Too long.
I reran the calculation with the inclusion of uncolonized space. Seven days. Much better.
I filed the original flight plan with the station and programmed the second one into my ship.
That was two days before I landed here.
—(|-|)—
Elysa sighed and stepped onto the beach. “You’ve been a wonderful host, Illiam, but I always wonder if landing here was punishment for leaving her in the first place.”
I don’t understand, Illiam said. If you loved her, why did you leave her?
Elysa swallowed. It was a question that had bothered her for a long time. Her exact answer still shifted with time, but the underlying understanding hadn’t changed.
“I’d spent my entire adult life on the Onyx,” Elysa said. “Since my teens, I had spent my life roaming. But Ulani needed something different; she wanted to
be in one place after her old home was ruined. She needed to build something new, but I’d been looking for adventure.
“The idea of growing roots terrified me. The only home I knew was one that could be flown elsewhere. I enjoyed the freedom to become someone new in a moment. The possibilities were endless, but it meant I never developed myself.”
The aeluri stretched in the sun before rolling on to his other side. Are you established here?
Elysa had to consider. She had drifted here like a seed on the wind, but the cave had become her home.
“I once believed that if anybody could convince me to hold still, it would’ve been Ulani. I’m only here out of necessity. It’s different because I didn’t have a choice.”
Does choice matter? Illiam asked.
“Of course, it matters.” Elysa worked to hide the tremor of annoyance from her voice. Even after all this time, Illiam’s ignorance could still surprise her. “Maybe choice is a privilege, but it alters attitude.
“What if you had the option to meet another planet like yourself, but you decided to say no. How would that choice change the way you feel about your isolation?”
I guess the choice would be mine to live with.
“Exactly. I made a mistake leaving Ulani, but that was my own damn fault. I’m the one to blame.”
Illiam shifted higher on the rock and began cleaning his paws and then his face. Elysa picked up her jumpsuit but discovered it was still wet. She flipped it, laid it back down, and then walked back to the rock where the cat lounged.
Elysa, if you had a choice, would you leave? Illiam asked.
“Leave the planet?” Elysa’s heart leapt, curiosity stirring hope. Maybe Illiam had figured out a way to help her leave.
Yes. You never chose this life. You only stay with me because nobody can hear your transmission. After all this time, if someone came for you, would you go with them?
Elysa considered, but then pulled away. “I don’t want to try and answer that. Even imagining I had a choice gives me too much hope.”
Choice is a powerful thing. Illiam observed, clearly bothered by the realization. He grew quiet.
Elysa stretched as the sounds of twilight began, comfortable in Illiam’s silence.
Their conversation had followed a familiar trend: Elysa would explain something that felt intuitive to her, but Illiam needed to digest the lesson, almost like a child. Despite its age, the planet was still young.
Illiam didn’t speak that entire evening. Elysa ate her dinner and prepared her bed. She lay down for the night, side by side with the aeluri, and fell asleep tracing the now familiar constellations in the night sky.
VII
The next morning, she woke to discover that the sun was covered by a dense fog. The fog made the planet cooler than usual, and Elysa shivered. She looked for the aeluri, but the cat had wandered off in the night.
Elysa ate a small breakfast, savoring the swell and eventual pop of the sweet-nuts in her mouth. She repacked her few things and tied them to her staff.
Illiam still hadn’t returned by the time she was done. Sometimes he wandered off like that, intrigued by some odd thing or another.
After all, Illiam could only be in so many places at once. Maybe there was a tropical storm or a glacier that needed attending. She knew he would come if she called.
But Elysa didn’t shout his name. She chose to savor the illusion that she was alone on a planet that was everywhere.
She began her hike along the fast-flowing river. Even in the dense fog and without Illiam to guide her, it was an easy trek. She recognized much of the valley and would’ve known the route on a moonless night. Fog wasn’t an issue.
She passed the full morning in silence. She counted her breathing and her steps. Then she counted the birds she passed.
She approached the clearing where the Onyx was still grounded, surprised not to have heard from Illiam by now.
But, as she stepped into the clearing, Elysa finally found the aeluri pacing around her starship. He was clearly waiting for her.
Elysa heard the sound of words coming from the starship. The cat pawed at the ground.
“What is it?” she asked.
Someone’s responding.
It took Elysa a moment to understand what he meant. The idea that her ship could be receiving a transmission was not something she could grasp quickly.
But then, with one tangled mess of emotions, she realized what Illiam meant: Someone had heard her.
She ran onto the Onyx and checked the console. The message ran to its end but then started again.
“Elysa, it’s Ulani. We’re coming to get you. We’ll be there in four days.”
Elysa held her breath. She allowed the short message to continue playing in a loop, but no matter how many times the message played, she struggled to believe it was real.
“Elysa, it’s Ulani. We’re coming to get you. We’ll be there in four days.”
Not only had Elysa’s message finally left the atmosphere and she’d be rescued, but Ulani herself was coming.
She could finally leave Illiam.
Except, now that the possibility was here, she wasn’t sure. Was this what she really wanted? She had a way of life here, one that she could never return to once rescued.
She had no idea what her life would be like after this. The Onyx was a lost cause, and even if Ulani was coming with the rescue team, Elysa didn’t know if they could rekindle their relationship.
Besides, something was suspicious with Illiam.
Why had the atmosphere cleared? It seemed impossible that her message had suddenly gotten through after failing for so long.
I thought you wanted the freedom to make a choice.
Illiam had cleared the atmosphere.
He said he couldn’t do it. He had told her as much the day they’d met and repeated it every single time Elysa asked about it. He had lied.
A part of Elysa had suspected as much—he could control the air, why not the atmosphere—but it was still painful to discover she was right. She’d wanted to believe that Illiam would’ve known better than to lie to her, but his sense of morality remained underdeveloped.
Regardless of the intent behind the act, the fact remained: Illiam had kept her here. It was Illiam’s fault that she was wasting away, he was the reason she was a single human separated from her community.
He had trapped her, forcing her to accept the burden of first contact with a complex being. He had drained her life so that she could slowly teach him what being human meant. Her own moral compass was sideways, and she’d never trusted herself to raise a child, let alone parent a planet, but she’d done it anyhow.
Elysa had given her life to Illiam, and he had taken it from her.
Elysa grabbed her pistol and stepped from the ship. She held it, cocked and ready, aiming for Illiam.
“What have you done‽” she asked.
Her hands shook more than she liked as she contemplated killing the aeluri that had become her companion.
This wouldn’t be the revenge she wanted, but it was something she could take. The aeluri was only a body to Illiam, but he represented the entire planet to Elysa.
“It’s always been you. You blocked my signal since the first day, you’ve prevented anyone from helping me. Do you know how you’ve derailed my life? Did you throw the asteroid that brought down my ship? How many starships have you tried to kill before you succeeded with me?”
The aeluri lowered himself to the ground. Then he rolled onto his side, exposing his belly to Elysa. Illiam would not shield the cat from her wrath.
She kept the pistol ready. “What did you do to me‽” She demanded.
Elysa, I understand if you can’t forgive me. I only realized my mistake yesterday.
I didn’t understand the power of choice. Until you told me you left Ulani, it never occurred to me that choice mattered, that it’s important that those we choose are able to choose us in return.
Elysa stomped her f
oot with frustration. Of course. Of course, Illiam wouldn’t have understood. She grasped Illiam’s ignorance, but that didn’t make him easy to forgive.
“That’s no excuse for trapping me here.”
No, it is not.
The cat lay limp, only his chest rose and fell as he breathed. Even his tail was still, as if he were already dead.
But the moment I saw my mistake, I undid it. I depleted the atmosphere and allowed your signal to escape. I know Ulani is coming to find you.
She considered protesting. Frustrated that Illiam hadn’t told her this last night or that morning. Even now, he hadn’t given her a choice in the matter.
Elysa’s hand shook as she held the pistol. Part of her wanted to shoot him, to destroy the tiny fraction of Illiam that he was. Anything to show the planet how angry she was with it.
“Why?” she asked.
There was no response.
Elysa rested her finger against the trigger and steadied her aim.
I was lonely, Illiam said quietly, almost inaudibly. It was as though the confession had been carried by the wind. So lonely.
Loneliness was a painful feeling. It was one I had never felt before. In my adolescence, I never wondered if I was alone because I was all I knew. I had my rivers and valleys the deserts and seas. They were enough to satisfy me.
Then the other human came, and everything changed. I had been touched by another being only to be isolated again. I didn’t understand. I needed, desperately, to reach anything that might be like me.
Illiam lay limp and defenseless, almost unaware how Elysa craved his destruction.
But then you landed.
His eyes blinked, locked on her. There it was, the reaction she needed: the aeluri was afraid.
My clouds were dense the day you landed, and your signal was blocked by accident. Soon I had to make a choice, and I was pulled to the individual who finally alleviated my loneliness: I chose you.
Elysa waited a long time. She tried to collect her thoughts, but they couldn’t resolve into anything clear. They wouldn’t, not now.
Finally, she sighed with a long breath and lowered the gun. “I guess I have four days to decide.”