Frustration at sleeping next to Cory every night, her heat and her scent tangling in his brain and body until his fingers itched to reach for her. He stayed on his side of the bed, of course, because she was doing him a favor by pretending to be in love with him while his mom visited.
It had seemed like such a good idea to bring her to his father’s funeral as his date, a simple way to take the attention off himself and the feelings he should be able to muster about losing a parent. Feelings he couldn’t access.
Nothing about Cory was simple, especially the way she made him want things he’d never dreamed of for himself. How could Jordan ever expect to be a decent father when he’d had such a poor example of one?
He remained constantly terrified of doing the wrong thing with Ben. The boy was just a baby, yet there were already so many ways Jordan could hurt him. He wondered if his mom had picked up on how much Jordan tried to avoid holding his son. It was easy to do with Grandma staying with them. His mother loved cuddling her grandson, and Jordan couldn’t help but wonder why he had no memories of her showing that kind of affection with him or his brother when they were younger.
He turned to grab another log. As if he’d conjured her with his tumultuous thoughts, his mother came around the side of the house. Cory had taken Ben to town, and Jordan thought his mom had gone with them.
“That’s a big pile of wood,” she said, frowning at the huge stack.
“I like a fire,” he said with a shrug.
“You like to burn off energy with physical activity,” his mom countered, her features softening. “I can remember you in the backyard flipping tires until well past dark most nights. You never stopped moving.”
“It’s what Dad expected.”
Jordan cursed himself when his mom’s posture went stiff. They’d had a good visit, easy and fun. He didn’t want to bring up the past or memories that were difficult for both of them.
“He expected too much of you.” His mom drew closer. “He pushed you too hard, but you never complained. I used to watch the two of you out the kitchen window, and I was in awe of your ability to stay strong under his coaching style.”
“What choice did I have?” Jordan lowered the ax to his side as he remembered how badly his body hurt back then. Constant aches and undiagnosed injuries, which were typically unheard-of for a kid his age. “He wanted me to be perfect. You both did.”
“I wanted you to be happy,” Kathy said softly. “I did a bad job of letting you know it.” She held out a hand. “Show me how to chop wood.”
Jordan raised a brow at his fine-boned mother. “I’m not sure that’s a great idea.”
“Do you think you were the only one who felt like they had to be strong back then?” She leaned in and took the ax from his hand. “Oh, this is heavier than it looks.”
“Mom, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
“No, Jordan.” She leveled him with a steely stare. “I’m healing myself and becoming stronger, things I should have started a long time ago. Something I should have managed for you and your brother.”
“Did Dad hit you?” Jordan blurted, then immediately regretted the question.
His mother’s eyes widened. Jordan had always wished he’d inherited her gentle eyes instead of his father’s piercing green ones.
“Not after you were born,” she said, almost sadly. “We got in a few knock-down, drag-out fights the first year of our marriage. I knew it would end badly for me if I kept pushing him, so I stopped. And after you were born, things seemed to get better. He was so happy to have a son, and then another when Max came along. I became like window dressing. I didn’t matter to him.”
“That’s not true,” Jordan argued. “He cared about you.”
“He needed me to play a role, but you were going to be his crowning achievement.”
“What a disappointment to him.” Jordan laughed without humor.
“I’m not sure he would have ever been satisfied,” she said instead of contradicting him. “But I knew he wasn’t just pushing you. He was pushing you away. It’s the biggest regret of my life that I didn’t stop him.”
“I allowed it to happen,” Jordan told her. “Even when I was old enough to know better.” He sighed. “Even though I saw the toll it was taking on the rest of the family. We weren’t really a family.”
His mother blinked rapidly as she looked down at the ax, the vivid pink of her nail polish particularly bright against the worn wood of the handle. “I want to chop something.”
Jordan felt a smile tug the corner of his mouth. Maybe he wasn’t so unlike his mom after all.
He placed a piece of wood on the full round, showed her how to hold the ax with two hands and swing it over her head. The first time she missed the mark completely and the ax stuck in the base. But the grin she gave him made her look ten years younger, and he remembered the times he’d seen her smile like that when he was a kid. All those times involved him or his brother and their happiness.
After a few more tries, she split the log down the middle and let out a loud whoop of delight.
“You’re a regular Paul Bunyan,” he told her and was rewarded with her deep belly laugh.
She handed the tool back to him. “Thanks. I’ve got that out of my system. I see why it’s so satisfying for you.”
“Satisfying,” he repeated, turning the word over in his head. He wasn’t sure he would recognize fulfillment. He’d been trained to keep reaching, striving for more. Even after leaving football, those early lessons had continued to hold sway in his life.
He’d turned his attention toward the bar and making it into something better. But he hadn’t thought about taking satisfaction from the work. He just needed to keep moving and stay busy.
“You’re a good father,” his mom said as they walked back to the house.
He snorted. “You’ve been here for less than a week. You can’t possibly know that. What if...?” He pressed his lips together.
“Your dad had a lot of demons.” His mother placed a hand on his arm. “He was private, and there’s no point rehashing his unhappy childhood and how it manifested into the type of dad he became to you and your brother. But I see the way you look at Ben. I see how careful you are with him, Jordan. Too careful sometimes, like you can’t be trusted.”
“How can I be anything else?”
“Cory trusts you. She chose you, and that means something.”
Those words burned in his gut. Cory hadn’t chosen him. She’d chosen to walk away the morning after they were together. Even now, he didn’t know how much she wanted from him, and it scared the hell out of him how much he wanted from her. Jordan liked hard work and he was fine with giving maximum effort, but he wanted control. There had been too many years when he hadn’t been in charge of any aspect of his life. Unfortunately, he’d never felt more out of control than he had since Cory and Ben showed up in his life.
But he couldn’t tell his mom any of that. They’d mended a piece of their relationship in her time here. He wouldn’t take the chance on ripping that apart so soon.
“I want to do the right thing by my boy,” he said, because that was the truth.
“Then that’s what you’ll do,” his mom said, and the unwavering faith in her tone made his throat sting.
He hoped he could be the man to deserve that faith.
Chapter Thirteen
“Don’t look now, but the boss is coming this way, and he looks mad as a cat in the bath.”
Cory glanced up from where she was stirring a marinara sauce to see Jordan moving toward her.
“Did I just say don’t look?” Madison nudged her hip as she walked by.
“Everyone looks when someone says ‘don’t look.’”
“Another example of why I stay away from people,” the chef told her, then waved to Jordan. “Hey, there. What brings you to my fair section o
f this fine establishment?” She threw up her hands when Jordan frowned at her like she’d just kicked him in the shin. “Come on, Jordan. Don’t tell me you’ve had more complaints about my attitude. I’ve been flippin’ sunshine and roses lately.”
Cory hid her grin as Madison turned toward the line cook and servers gathering plates of food. “Tell him my mood is set to unicorns pooping rainbows all the time now.”
“A hundred percent unicorn poop,” Misty said with a cheeky grin.
“I appreciate the effort,” Jordan told Madison. “You even got mentioned in a Yelp review yesterday.”
Her eyes narrowed. “What did they say?”
“That the quality of the food was enhanced by how professional and lovely the chef was when she came out of the kitchen to personally greet them.”
“Professional and lovely. Exactly.” Madison nodded. “I remember that sniveling couple. The husband had some hang-up about how none of his food could touch, so we had to serve everything in individual bowls. Pain in my—”
“Unicorns,” Cory reminded her friend, then felt joy flutter through her. She really did consider Madison a friend. Misty, Tanya and the other Trophy Room employees, too. Ella Samuelson was watching Ben tonight since Kathy had left yesterday. Cory would miss Jordan’s mom, especially since she wasn’t sure when or if she’d have a chance to see the other woman again.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Jordan crooked a finger at her. “Out back.”
“Kind of busy,” Cory said with a wooden smile. She absolutely did not want to speak with Jordan. She wasn’t sure if he noticed that she’d been avoiding him without his mom in the house to act as a buffer. By the look on his face, he had.
“It’s fine.” Madison grabbed the wooden spoon from her hand. “Take all the time you need.”
Cory shot her a death glare, which Madison responded to with a wide grin. “Unicorns,” she said in a singsong voice.
“Thanks,” Cory muttered, then glanced at Jordan. “I need to wash my hands.”
“I’ll wait.”
Heat crept into Cory’s cheeks as she felt the rest of the kitchen staff watching her. She washed her hands under the big industrial faucet, then dried them with a paper towel, careful to make her movements measured and not like she was nervous or dreading whatever conversation Jordan wanted to have.
He didn’t talk or joke with his employees the way she’d become used to. One of things she appreciated most about the way Jordan ran his business was that he remembered personal details about each person who worked for him. Birthdays, anniversaries or even when someone’s dog had been to the vet. But now he stood in stony silence, and Cory couldn’t help but feel like she was being called to the proverbial principal’s office.
She followed him through the kitchen to the hallway door that led to the alley behind the bar.
“You’re embarrassing me,” she told him as the door shut behind her. He inclined his head but didn’t respond other than a slight hardening of his gaze. Cory rubbed her hands against her arms to ward off the evening chill. After the scents and sounds of the busy kitchen, the quiet of the dark night felt almost ominous. “Seriously, everyone is going to think we’re in some huge fight or came out here for a quickie. Either way, it makes me look bad. You’re the boss, and I’m your fiancée.”
“You’re not my fiancée,” he said, his voice a low growl. “If you were, I wouldn’t pull you into a dank alley for a quickie.”
She blew out a breath. “You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I do.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Parker stopped in tonight on his way to pick up Anna from gymnastics class. He heard from one of the Realtors in town that you were looking at apartments on the other side of Starlight yesterday afternoon. He wanted to make sure we were doing okay.”
“Oh.” Cory cringed. “I wanted to give you some time with your mom before she left, and I thought it would be good to have a plan for when...” She waved a hand in the air. “The breakup.”
“Do you think that’s something we should have discussed?”
Cory didn’t know how to discuss the end of this pretend relationship without making a fool of herself. She didn’t want it to end—heck, she dreaded moving her things out of his bedroom—but wasn’t about to admit that to Jordan. She couldn’t stand the potential of seeing pity in his eyes.
She’d left the house, hoping Jordan and his mom would talk before Kathy left. The pain on the other woman’s face was clear each time she looked at her son. She desperately wanted to be closer to Jordan, and although he wouldn’t discuss it, Cory knew he wanted the same thing.
Her intention hadn’t been to look for a new place to live, but when she’d passed the two-story brick house with a For Rent sign in the yard, she’d called. She’d hoped that looking for a place to call her own would help ease the ache that came every time she thought about leaving Jordan’s home. The cabin in the woods felt like her home, as well, and that would only add to her heartbreak when her arrangement with Jordan ended.
“I’m sorry,” she said simply. “I don’t know how to make any of this okay. We barged into your life and turned it upside down.”
She dashed a hand over her cheek when a tear escaped. Damn, she didn’t want to cry right now. “I know you were doing fine before this, Jordan. You have a home and a business. I’ve already come to love Starlight...”
She swallowed when the words and you almost fell from her mouth. Admitting her feelings for this man would lead to nothing but agony. She didn’t want to scare him off when she wanted so badly for him to be a part of Ben’s life. Their son was the most important part of their relationship. “It’s obvious you don’t want us at the house, and I—”
“What do you mean, I don’t want you there?” He took a step closer to her, and longing skittered across her nerve endings. “Hell, Cory. I painted a damn nursery for the baby. I can barely keep my hands off you at night. Do you know how little I was sleeping with you next to me?”
“You never want to hold him,” she whispered, pain slicing through her heart. The small rejection of her son felt like a rejection to her, as well.
Jordan’s gaze shuttered, and he glanced away.
“It’s okay,” she said quickly, because letting people off easily was her way. “I know you never expected to be a father. I’m hoping that as he gets older and can do more, you’ll want to be a part of his life. Ben deserves to have two parents that love him.”
“Of course he does. I want to be a part of his life. He’s my son. I just don’t want to screw him up the way my dad did me and my brother.”
“You’re not going to,” she told him. “You’re a good man and you’ll be a great father.”
“Did you and my mom get together and rehearse what you were going to say to me?” he asked, then laughed softly.
“I didn’t talk to your mom about this. I haven’t talked to anyone.”
He reached out and linked their fingers together. “Talk to me.”
Oh, if only it were that easy. “You know I was raised by a single mom. When I got old enough to ask about my dad, she told me he left when I was a baby because it was too much trouble to be a parent.”
She forced a steady breath. “I took that to mean I was too much trouble. I don’t want you to leave. Or in this case, to tell us to leave. I like it here, Jordan. We don’t have to be a couple to raise our son together. But I’m trying not to put pressure on you for more than you can give.”
“You’re not.”
“Why don’t you want to be a dad?” she asked.
He started to release his grip on her, but Cory held on. No way was she going to let him go at this moment. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I don’t know how. You’re a natural, and I feel like a bull in a china shop trying to take care of a baby.”
“You stayed with him and you both survived
.”
He sighed, and there was so much emotion packed into that breath. “I want Ben to do more than survive. Surviving is the easy part. He’s my son. I want him to thrive.”
“We’ll make sure he does,” Cory said. She pulled him closer and wrapped her arms around his waist. In the intimacy of the dark alley, it seemed easier to let down her guard. Her rational mind might know it was better to keep her distance, but she put those thoughts aside for a moment.
His heartbeat was a steady rhythm as she rested her head against his chest. Once again, he cradled it like she was precious to him. Oh, how she wanted to be precious to this strong, steady man. Even if it ended with her heart in tatters.
* * *
They stopped serving food at the bar at ten, so Cory had made it home several hours earlier than Jordan the previous night. He’d returned in the wee hours to a quiet house, a big part of him hoping that Cory would be waiting in his bed.
He shouldn’t want her there. He should know enough to keep his distance. Yet even though each night of his mom’s visit had been torture to lie in bed next to Cory without touching her, even that tiny bit of closeness was something he’d come to crave.
His bed had been empty, and his heart ached at the realization their days together in this house would quickly come to an end. Hell, did he need another sign besides her looking for rental properties?
She’d gone along with the pretend relationship because he’d asked her to, but it wasn’t what she wanted. He wasn’t what she wanted.
He’d crawled into bed and fallen into a restless sleep, catching faint whiffs of her perfume clinging to the sheets as he tossed and turned. Even his bedding didn’t want to give her up.
As soon as the first rays of light filtered through his blinds, he’d gotten up and started the coffee. He had to be back at Trophy Room for a late-morning meeting with Brynn to discuss the upcoming Maker’s Market weekend at the Dennison Mill. He was making the bar an integral piece of the community. More than just a local watering hole. He wanted his establishment to mean something to the people of Starlight.
His Secret Starlight Baby Page 14