by Alex Lake
Claire smiled, and glanced at Jodie. No one called her Jo. Jodie rolled her eyes slightly, in a look that said I can’t get rid of him.
‘No problem,’ Claire said. ‘Nice to see you.’
‘Where’s Alfie?’ Jodie asked.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe getting a drink? He’s around.’
‘That was quite the … performance earlier,’ she said.
‘It was sweet of him,’ Claire said. She felt defensive, especially after Hugh’s comments. ‘You know Alfie. That’s how he is.’
‘God, I totally agree,’ Jodie said. ‘I didn’t mean anything negative, but not every guy sings songs at his wife’s birthday, you know? I actually thought it was amazing.’
‘He has a really good voice,’ Trevor said. ‘It was … impressive.’
‘He was in a band,’ Claire said, looking at Trevor. ‘That was how we met.’
‘He picked you out in the crowd?’ Trevor said.
‘Not exactly. They were playing at a wedding and he was on his break. I know – it sounds like a cliché, but he wasn’t the band guy looking for groupies at all. He was so nice. So relaxed. He told me about his career singing children’s songs. He wasn’t embarrassed, like some guys would be.’
‘He sings children’s songs?’ Trevor said.
‘He used to,’ Claire said. She was aware there was a hard edge in her voice, but she was getting sick of people thinking Alfie was some kind of beta male because he didn’t run about thumping his chest and downing pints of lager. ‘But sadly not any more.’
‘Well,’ Trevor said, finding it hard to know where to look. ‘It’ll – er – it’ll be a useful skill when you have kids.’
Jodie caught Claire’s eye. She knew they had been trying – unsuccessfully – and she changed the subject.
‘Great party,’ she said. ‘I saw Derek Pritchard. He’s back from Australia. Isn’t he the—’ Jodie was interrupted by her phone ringing. She looked at the screen. ‘God,’ she said. ‘I have to take this. It’s a friend. She’s been having a tough time.’ She lifted the phone to her ear.
‘Pippa?’ she said. ‘Are you OK?’
Claire watched as her friend’s eyes widened.
‘The bastard,’ she said. ‘That is so awful.’ She looked at Claire and Trevor and shook her head. ‘Pips,’ she said. ‘It’s noisy in here. I’m going to call you back, OK? Give me five seconds.’
‘Everything OK?’ Claire asked.
‘Not exactly,’ Jodie replied. ‘Her boyfriend dumped her by text. I think you met her once – Pippa Davies-Hunt?’
‘Yes,’ Claire said. She had a vague memory of a tall woman with very long hair. ‘Maybe at someone’s Christmas do?’
‘Dave Chapel,’ Jodie said. ‘She was dating him for a while. Anyway, she was convinced this new guy was the one, but I had my doubts. He came and went, you know? Blamed it on his job. He’s a doctor.’
‘Did you meet him?’ Claire said.
‘No. But I got a bad impression from the way she talked about him. Anyway, now he’s dumped her, and she’s distraught. The thing is, Pippa is a little bit’ – she pointed her finger at her temple and twirled it – ‘and she doesn’t take this kind of thing well. She wants me to come over. I ought to.’
‘No problem,’ Claire said. ‘You need to leave now?’
‘Maybe in half an hour,’ Jodie said.
‘Great.’ Trevor grinned. ‘I’ll grab some more drinks. Champagne?’
They watched him walk away. ‘Is he—’ Claire began. ‘Are you?’
Jodie shook her head. ‘He called out of the blue and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I remembered him from Bunny’s party and I figured it couldn’t do any harm, but now I can’t get rid of him. I told him I was coming to your birthday party and he invited himself along.’
‘At least you’ll be able to tell him you need to be alone with Pippa.’
‘Right,’ Jodie said. ‘Not that that’s going to be great fun. She’s really upset.’
‘I’m not surprised. Dumping someone by text is pretty harsh.’
‘Not something you’d have to worry about,’ Jodie replied. ‘Alfie’s not going anywhere.’
‘No,’ Claire said. ‘I doubt he is. It’s such a relief to be with someone who makes you feel secure. In every other relationship I was always wondering whether whoever it was really loved me, and if they did, why, what it was about me that they loved. It was a constant search for proof so I could relax. But with Alfie – I know he loves me. We connect on some deep level. It’s like we were made for each other. And it’s such a lovely feeling.’
‘You really are lucky,’ Jodie said. ‘I hope I end up in the same boat.’
‘But not with Trevor.’
‘No, not with Trevor. And I know it’s not going all that well right now, but you’ll be pregnant soon, and you two will be the perfect parents. Your kids will be the luckiest kids around.’
Claire didn’t want to say so, but she agreed. It was part of what attracted her to Alfie. She knew their kids would grow up with a dad who showed them how to be affectionate and loving, taught them it was OK to cry and show emotion, hugged and kissed and cuddled them long after they were babies. She had an image of her and Alfie and two children camping in the Lake District or riding bikes in a forest or eating popcorn on a family movie night. It was all she wanted – all he wanted, too – and the thought that it might not happen was unbearable.
‘I hope so,’ Claire said. ‘I’m not sure what I’d do if it didn’t work out. And Alfie would take it hard. I think he’s more desperate than me for kids.’
Jodie gestured to Trevor. He was walking towards them with a bottle of champagne. ‘Well,’ she said. ‘There is one saving grace about not being pregnant. You can have another drink.’
Alfie
Alfie headed back to the house. There was a group of people smoking on the terrace. Perfect. He could stop for a chat and then if Claire detected any lingering smell of smoke on him he could blame it on them.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘Nice evening.’
There were five of them, four men he didn’t know and a woman he vaguely recognized. Her face was flushed and she was a little glassy-eyed. No wedding ring and probably no boyfriend, which was why she was out here smoking with a bunch of men who were no doubt hoping she’d leave them so they could talk about football or rugby or the other women at the party. He looked at her for a few seconds longer than was polite. She was starting to put on weight she would never get rid of and was on the cusp of losing the youthfulness that gave her what little appeal she had. She knew it, too; there was something desperate about the way she smiled at the men and laughed too loudly at their jokes.
He felt a twinge of lust. He found that kind of vulnerability irresistible. He’d have to behave himself, though. He could hardly go chasing women at his wife’s birthday party.
‘You want a ciggy?’ one of the men said. He was tall and had thick red hair and a thin, irritating voice.
‘No thanks,’ Alfie said.
He walked across the terrace to the house. Through the window he saw Claire. She was clinking champagne glasses with Jodie and some tall guy. Did Jodie have a boyfriend? He’d be jealous if she did. He looked at her for a moment. He would have loved to fuck her. Two summers ago they’d gone for a weekend in St Tropez with her. She had a white bikini and he’d spent the entire time staring at her from behind his sunglasses, and then thinking about her while he was having sex with Claire.
Claire. It was getting worse. As soon as he was in there she’d ask where he’d been, and he’d say nowhere, just a walk, when what he wanted to say was none of your fucking business. He hated the feeling he was being watched the whole time. It made him feel trapped, like a wild animal that had wandered into a house and was now being kept as a pet. He couldn’t look at her without feeling a deep and mounting anger.
Because there was no escape. Worse, by acting so in love with her from the start he had set a precedent,
which left him with things like singing that awful song. He shook his head. It was so humiliating. But he had no choice. If he didn’t totally overdo it he was worried the mask would slip and she would see his true feelings, and then it – all of it, the cars and houses and holidays and money – would be gone. And he had no intention of letting that happen, especially not now when he’d had a taste of it. All he needed was an escape.
Which was where Henry Bryant came in. It had started with a fake email address. It was amazing, really: all he’d had to do was open a gmail account in the name Henry Bryant and pop! All of a sudden, he existed. He could communicate with people, log into chat rooms, post underneath newspaper articles, get Facebook and Twitter accounts.
Which he did for a while. He got involved in conversations in chat rooms and comments sections, and one of them – he’d forgotten which one – had led to an app which brought people who were looking for illicit, extra-marital affairs together.
You posted a photo, your age, some interests, and the app proposed some matches. You messaged back and forth, and, if you both agreed, you met up.
The first woman did not look like the photo she had posted at all. In the photo she looked in her early thirties and in reasonable shape; in reality she was ten years older and about three stone overweight.
Alfie didn’t care. He would not have been attracted to her under normal circumstances, but that was the whole point: these were not normal circumstances, and he was not Alfie Daniels.
The second candidate he chose was a blonde, stick-thin mother of three in her late thirties. It was a clinical transaction; afterwards, Alfie asked her if she wanted to meet again. She didn’t. The third one did, though, and she wanted to learn more about Henry Bryant.
So Alfie gave her more to learn.
It became a kind of game, to see how far he could take it.
And he had taken it much, much further than he had thought possible.
He got an address – a PO box number – and used it to get a bank account. With that, a bank account and then a credit card and a PayPal account. With his PayPal account he could buy and sell on eBay, which provided Henry Bryant with an income. The fact that the things he sold – first editions of books, rare vinyl, other collectables – were things Alfie bought was neither here nor there. None of his customers would, or could, ever know. He just needed a way of getting some money to Henry Bryant.
And with the money came – all acquired illegally and incredibly cheaply on the dark web – a birth certificate, passport and National Insurance number. Which meant Henry Bryant was real in every meaningful way possible. He could buy a house, get a job, cross international borders. He could do anything he wanted.
He just happened not to exist.
It had been perfect for Alfie. It offered him everything he wanted: a release from his life with Claire, the thrill of illicit sex with a variety of women, and most of all, a sense that he was beating the system, outsmarting everyone around him. And there was no link to him. The phone, bank account, everything – it all led to Henry Bryant.
It was odd: the longer it had gone on, the more he had started to feel that he and Henry Bryant were different people. When he was with some woman he’d met online in the corner of a pub in a part of London where Claire and her friends would never go, he was Henry Bryant. He didn’t really feel guilty, but the slight misgivings he did have were eased by the thought that it wasn’t him doing it.
It was Henry Bryant.
He even developed Bryantisms; mannerisms and affected patterns of speech – a pursing of the lips and drawing out of vowels – that he only did when he was being Henry. In some ways – and this was worrying – he preferred Henry. He was funnier, more relaxed. Moreover, he didn’t have to be the soft, unthreatening little bitch that Alfie Daniels pretended to be.
He could be whatever he wanted, and he was. He cancelled at the last minute (on the occasions when it was too risky to go), drank hard when he wanted and was rough in bed. Most of all he didn’t apologize, didn’t simper and coo, and didn’t sing any fucking stupid songs.
It was wonderful. And it was the only thing that was keeping him sane.
He became aware of a tapping on the window. He looked up. Claire was beckoning him inside.
Christ. He’d almost forgotten. He glanced at Jodie’s buttocks; she was wearing a pair of very tight jeans. He pictured peeling them off, revealing some expensive underwear, an image which allowed him to force a smile on to his face. He waved at Claire, then blew her a kiss; she mimed catching it and planted it on her cheek.
It was sickening.
Inside, he kissed Claire for real, then hugged Jodie, enjoying the press of her breasts against his chest. She gestured at the guy standing with them.
‘This is Trevor.’
Alfie shook his hand. He had a fixed, goofy grin. If this idiot was fucking Jodie he didn’t think he could take it.
‘We were on our way out,’ Jodie said. ‘I have to go and meet a friend. She’s not doing so well.’
‘Oh,’ Alfie said. ‘Everything OK?’
‘Boyfriend troubles.’ Jodie took out her phone. ‘Quick photo before I go?’
She handed the phone to Trevor, who looked put out she didn’t want him in the picture. Alfie thought it might be deliberate. Maybe he wasn’t getting any with Jodie, after all.
The three of them lined up and Trevor took a few snaps. When he was done, he gave the phone back to Jodie.
‘Nice to see you,’ Alfie said. ‘And good luck with your friend. I’m going to grab a drink.’
As he walked away, Henry Bryant’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Pippa, again. Obviously, despite how clear he’d been, she hadn’t got the message. He’d reply later and get rid of her once and for all, before she became a problem.
Henry Bryant would never let her become a problem. He dealt with things, decisively. He would never have put up with what Alfie put up with. He would have found a way to deal with Claire.
And Alfie needed to. He just had no idea what to do.
Claire
Dr Singh sat opposite Claire and studied his notes. He looked to be in his sixties and had small, precise features. She had googled him and, as her dad had said, he really was an expert in the field of fertility; he had pioneered a number of treatments with spectacular results, which probably explained the fee her dad was paying.
It was the second time they had met that day; in the morning he had asked her a bunch of questions and discussed her goals, and then he’d sent her into the room next door where a nurse had drawn blood and performed an ultrasound scan, along with some X-rays.
We’ll have the results shortly, he said. But you’ll have to see when Dr Singh is free to take you through them.
Dr Singh was free that afternoon, and Claire had left work to come and meet him. She’d had to move a couple of meetings around, but as a partner she had that flexibility. Besides, she had been thinking about it all day, unable to focus on anything other than what the doctor might tell her.
‘Well …’ He smiled. ‘So far, it’s good news.’
‘What do you mean “so far”?’ Claire said.
‘I mean the tests we did showed no abnormalities, but there are more procedures we can do. However, I’m not sure they’re warranted, at this point. I see nothing wrong.’
He pulled a piece of A4 paper from a file and handed it to her. ‘These are the results of your Hysterosalpingography – that’s the fancy name for the X-ray we took of your uterus and fallopian tubes. As you can see, nothing showed up.’
She studied the paper. There was a lot of text, but her eyes settled on the only words that mattered to her.
Abnormalities: None
‘What about the other test?’ she said. ‘The one about the eggs?’
‘The ovarian reserve test,’ Dr Singh said. ‘That, too, was fine. You have a normal egg supply, and they are of good quality.’ He laced his fingers together and leaned forwards. ‘As far as I can tell, there is
no problem with your fertility. We could do further imaging, or even a laparoscopy.’
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s a procedure to take a look inside the uterus. We make an incision in the navel and put a camera in there. If there was anything going on – endometriosis, scarring – it would show up. But, like I said, there’s no reason to believe there is anything.’
Claire met his gaze. ‘Then why can’t I get pregnant?’
‘Sometimes it takes a while,’ Dr Singh said. ‘And the stress caused by worrying about it can make it more difficult. If you can relax, take your time, that would probably help.’
She already knew this. Every one of the myriad of websites about pregnancy and childbirth mentioned it. Make sure you stay relaxed. The body is less likely to conceive when under stress. A relaxed body is a body ready to have a baby. All very well; the problem was that when you tried to relax the trying got in the way of the relaxing. It was like telling somebody not to think of an elephant; as soon as you said it an elephant popped into their mind.
‘It’s hard,’ she said. ‘I can’t stop worrying that something’s wrong.’
‘There’s nothing that I can see.’ Dr Singh twirled his pen in his fingers. ‘At least, not with you. There is, however, one other avenue to explore.’
‘Which is?’
Dr Singh took off his glasses. ‘Has your husband had his sperm tested?’
Claire nodded. ‘A couple of months ago. It was fine.’
When she hadn’t got pregnant after the first few months of trying, Alfie had declared that he was going to take a test.
I don’t want to waste any time, he said. If there’s something wrong, I want to know so I can fix it.
She had asked if he thought she should get tested too.
Not yet. You’ll need to go to a doctor. I can do a home test. It’s easy. And I want peace of mind that everything’s OK with me.
And it was. She was at work when he did it, but when she came home he was beaming: sperm count was normal. She was pleased for him, but it only made her feel worse. If there was a problem then it was with her, and not him.