by E M Lindsey
“I don’t believe in curses,” Sam said after a beat. He laid back down and let his head rest against the side of Derek’s shoulder. “And trust me, a guy like me—paralyzed as a kid, now fighting to keep the child I rescued—I’m prone to falling into those black holes. I don’t know if this Basil guy will ever mean anything to you in the long run, but I do know it means something right now that he’s getting you to feel things you wouldn’t let yourself feel before. And the fact that you’re going out tonight on this date? You have no fucking idea how proud I am.”
Derek felt his chest tighten, so he rolled over and punched Sam lightly. “You’re so gross right now.” He pushed himself to his feet with a grunt, then pushed Sam’s chair over to him before walking back to the wall mirror and staring at himself all over again. “I guess this is the best I’m going to do.”
Sam wheeled up behind him and slapped him on the ass. “Your worst is every other man’s Vanity Fair cover, dickhead. Go have fun, okay? And if it sucks, come back here and you can watch The Emperor’s New Groove with me and May for the six-hundredth time this week. Deal?”
Derek couldn’t help but grin. “Deal.”
***
The guy’s name was Niko, and he’d been texting Derek off and on for the last two days leading up to the date. He hadn’t been pushy when Derek was busy, tired, or just not in the mood to be chatty, and he hadn’t seemed like a martyr about it either which was a huge tick in the positive column for this guy. Derek tried to use Sam’s pep talk to psych himself up as he approached the little Italian bistro, but his nerves were still on high alert.
He was grateful Niko had picked a place that had a calm ambiance, and he wondered if maybe Sage had warned the guy that loud noises and chaotic atmospheres were too much for Derek to deal with in public. Or maybe the guy was just perceptive. He wanted to think the latter, mostly because he was ready to start feeling like a normal, grown adult man who dated and socialized.
Walking in, he approached the hostess who quickly led him back to the table where Niko was waiting. He was dressed casually—jeans and a polo shirt—but he looked elegant in a surprising way. His arms were toned, his glasses added another layer of appeal to his already gorgeous face, and when he smiled, his eyes lit up with it.
He extended his hand as Derek approached, then waited for him to sit before he did the same. “Hey. Can I just say that this is a little weird?”
Derek froze halfway to reaching for his napkin. “Uh…why? Did my brother bribe you into this or something?”
Niko laughed which showed off a twin pair of dimples in his cheeks. “No, man. Of course not. Just…he talked about you so much, and it’s not like I haven’t met twins before, but you two have the same face.”
Derek felt his cheeks heat up and a pang of worry flare to life in his gut because generally, people who liked Sage weren’t into him once they got to know him. The two of them were identical twins, but their bodies were exactly where the similarities ended. Sage had always been quieter, and more reserved, and definitely more well behaved. It was probably why his father hadn’t noticed him as often as he noticed Derek. Sage had always been more level-headed, had always dealt with things better.
Even after the death of Ted, he was living his life, and Derek didn’t know if he’d ever be that strong.
“Sorry,” Niko said at Derek’s continued silence, “was that super offensive?”
Derek huffed a laugh. “No, no, it’s not that. Just…Sage and I aren’t exactly alike. Apart from the whole identical twin thing, our personalities are like night and day.”
The corner of Niko’s mouth twitched up. “He did mention that, you know. Part of why I agreed to go out on this date.”
That gave Derek pause, and he looked at the guy over the rim of his water glass. “Yeah?”
Niko shrugged as he sat back. “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, your brother is a great guy. He’s the perfect gym buddy and he’s hilarious. But he’s not my type. Physically…I can work with that, but we don’t really mesh well on things that matter.”
“How so?” Derek asked, a little nervous, but more curious than anything.
Niko bit his lip in thought, then smiled a tiny bit as he said, “He keeps insisting on calling a tomato a fruit.”
“Oh my god,” Derek groaned, dipping his head forward, “he so fucking does that. Like okay technically yes, but it’s not a fucking fruit. A few years ago, we had this huge argument and to prove his point, he grabbed one off the counter and ate it like an apple because he’s a fucking monster.”
Niko threw his head back, laughing. “He didn’t. That should be considered treason.”
“I know!” Derek said, feeling his cheeks ache with how wide his grin was. “I won’t change my mind either.”
“Well,” Niko said as his laughter began to die down, “he mentioned that you agreed with me about his shitty opinions. And that was intriguing enough to give this a chance. What about you? How’d he convince you to come?”
Derek bit his lip, debated about the truth, then said, “He said you were a great guy, and…I’ve been kind of looking for one of those. I guess I didn’t take much convincing.”
Niko’s smile softened, showing all the way to his eyes.
***
The date was good. It was so good. They got along better than Sage told him they would, and Derek found himself smiling more than he had in what felt like years. When the server offered dessert, Niko shook his head and leaned in toward Derek. “Trust me?”
Derek shrugged. “You haven’t steered me wrong yet.” He wanted to protest about Niko picking up the bill, but it had been so damn long since he’d really done anything on the dating scene and he didn’t want to be rude, so he let it go.
Niko lead the way outside and turned the opposite direction of where their cars were parked. “So, this little gelato shop just opened up two blocks down and I’ve been dying to try it. I really limit my sweets, but I get to indulge since we’re on an official date.”
Derek wasn’t really a sweets guy, but the way Niko looked so hopeful, he couldn’t say no. “Sounds good to me.”
“And since we’re doing the date thing…would holding your hand be out of line?” Niko asked in an even softer voice.
For just a split second, Derek wanted to say no, wanted to say that was too much. But he promised his brother he was going to try, and it was such a small step. After only a beat of hesitation, he held his hand out and felt Niko’s fingers slip between his. It was a somewhat awkward fit. Niko’s hands were surprisingly thick, and they stretched Derek’s to a point of almost pain. His palm was rough too, calloused from where he held weights and it wasn’t entirely pleasant, but touching another person wasn’t something he got to do often, either. It felt strange and alien, but he didn’t entirely hate it.
He ignored the tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was only because he wished it was someone else’s hand he was holding, and he distracted himself by following along with Niko’s quick pace and listening to him wax poetic about the wonders of frozen fruit flavors vs chocolate ones.
There was a small crowd both inside and at the tables which stretched along the side of the building, but not much of a line, so when they stepped inside to wait, Derek didn’t feel too closed in. He busied himself by studying the flavors, not really impressed by the selection, but then again this wasn’t really his thing.
“I want every single one,” Niko mourned.
Derek almost laughed. “I think that would probably break even the date rules about sugar intake.”
Niko pouted a moment, then said, “We could each get one we both want and then share.”
Derek didn’t entirely love sharing food either, but this night was all about crossing small lines and getting just outside of comfort zones. He let Niko drag him to the counter and they tried five flavors each before Niko settled on the chocolate Guinness, and he went for pineapple. They took their little bowls, and he crunched down on the l
ittle tuile while Niko found them a free two-seater.
Derek was about to lower himself into the chair when two pairs of rapidly moving arms caught his attention. He looked over, and couldn’t help a hot, ugly sensation from rising in the pit of his stomach when he saw Basil there with a guy who looked somewhat familiar. Amit, one of Sage’s regulars, he was pretty sure. Amit was a super nice guy who lived in Denver but came down every few months or so to get new ink done.
Derek let his eyes close a second because he wanted to hate him so much right then. He wanted to hate Amit for being attractive and nice and being obviously fluent in sign which gave Basil so much more than he could offer right now.
“Hey,” Niko said, grabbing his attention back, “are you okay?”
Derek let out a shaking breath, then smiled and nodded. “I’m great. Sorry. Just someone I know—he’s on a date I guess.”
“Someone you know, like an ex?” Niko asked. He wasn’t an idiot and he’d been able to track Derek’s line of sight. “Do you know sign language? Is he deaf or what?”
Derek found himself bristling a little, but he answered him anyway. “He’s not an ex. He’s a friend—he works down the street from the shop and we hang out sometimes. But uh…no. No, I don’t really know sign. I mean, I know some because of Jazzy—Tony’s baby? And I’m going to be starting classes soon. The whole shop is.”
Niko frowned. “For what?”
“Well, for Jasmine,” Derek said, “but also because it’s probably a good language to have. I mean, being able to talk to deaf customers matters, right?”
Niko snorted. “I guess. I mean, how many deaf people are there, really? I doubt it’s enough to justify learning a whole language.”
Derek’s jaw tensed. “Why should the percentage matter? I mean even one deaf person should be enough of a motivation.”
“Well, they have ways, right? Writing and shit?” he waved his spoon dismissively. “How do you talk to him if you don’t sign?”
“We text and I know some sign language,” Derek defended. “But I know it sucks for him, and I’d like to be able to communicate with Tony’s baby as she gets bigger.”
Niko shrugged. “I guess. They’re not going to teach her to talk though? I mean, deaf people can talk if they take therapy, can’t they? Plus, there are those implant things she could wear so she can hear like a normal person.”
Something hot and angry settled in his gut, and he felt on the verge of either panic or outright rage, and neither one of them would leave the evening on a good note. He took a breath, then set his cup down. “I just…I need to…I have a thing. I’ll see you later.” He rose and hurried off, not looking back when he heard Niko calling his name, and it was by some miracle the guy didn’t follow him to his car.
8.
Derek’s head snapped up at the soft knock on the door frame, and when he saw his brother standing there, his eyes narrowed. “Don’t.”
“Look,” Sage said, taking a step into the small room, “he told me what happened.”
Derek shook his head, dropping his pencil next to the sheet of tracing paper he was working on for his next client. “You said if it didn’t work—if for whatever reason, he and I didn’t mesh—you’d leave me alone about it.”
“I know, and I meant it,” Sage said. He closed the door behind him and leaned up against it. “Is it because of Basil?”
Derek let out a frustrated breath, dragging both hands down his face. “Yes. And Jasmine, and anyone who has to deal with the rest of the world thinking they’re not worth some effort just because they’re not the fucking status quo.”
Sage winced, because he had to know what it meant for Derek to hear that, how short that leap was between a deaf person who used sign, and someone with PTSD who needed someone understanding and willing to do things a little differently. “He didn’t understand.”
“That’s fine,” Derek said, and he meant it. “It’s fine when someone doesn’t understand, but when their default is to shit on someone, I can’t trust them to understand what I need.”
“I just,” Sage started, then stopped and shook his head. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, his posture telling Derek he was approaching a possible conflict between them.
“Please don’t defend him. I’m not saying he’s a monster, I’m just saying he’s not someone I could date.”
“Do you think maybe he’d like the opportunity to learn?” Sage tried.
“And you think I’m the one who should teach him?” Derek spat. “You don’t think I have enough on my plate just getting by? Where the hell am I going to find the energy to hold his hand through all this shit, Sage?”
Sage winced, then grabbed the small chair in the corner of the room, flipped it backward, and sank down. He rested his arms on the back and leaned toward his brother. “I won’t ever understand, okay? I get that. You took the brunt of every single moment of dad’s cruelty…”
“No,” Derek said, putting his hand up. “You don’t get to belittle what you went through, Sage. That’s not what this is about.”
“I know that, and that’s not what I’m not doing,” Sage argued. “I’m not making this some sort of fucked up competition that you managed to win by sheer bad luck. I deal with plenty thanks to that old bastard, but I didn’t walk away with the same scars you did. And I would never, ever tell you that you had to be the one to guide someone through it.”
“Then what are you saying?” Derek asked, all the fight draining out of him. His limbs felt heavy, his emotions having him wrung out, and suddenly he just wanted his bed.
“I’m saying that if he tries, if he learns—on his own, maybe with one of us—you might give him another shot? He’s not a bad guy, he’s just one of the billions of ignorant morons on this planet who were fortunate enough to not know what all of this was like.”
Derek wanted to tell his brother to fuck off, to remind him he didn’t owe this blind date anything. Except he couldn’t help but recall how well the date had gone before, and how somewhere deep-down, Niko wasn’t a bad person. Sage was right—he was ignorant. It didn’t make him less than a person. In fact, he thought with some sarcasm, it almost made him more.
“I just don’t know if I can,” he finally admitted.
“That’s fair. I’m just asking you to consider it. I’m not even sure he wants to try again. He knows he fucked up when you left the way you did, and he didn’t hesitate to take all the blame for being an asshole.” Sage scratched the back of his head, then sighed and pushed up to stand. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I put you in the position to deal with something like this. I didn’t see it coming.”
“Neither did I,” Derek told him. “Up to that point, the date was so good. We were getting along, and I…shit,” he breathed out, rubbing his hands over his face again. “It felt so nice to just forget for a little while that I’m this hot mess of a person with no hope of ever being put together in a way most people can deal with.”
“Derek, don’t—”
“It is what it is, man,” Derek told him. “It’s fine. I’m sure there’s someone interested, and I can be patient until then. At least I’m trying, right?”
Sage gave him a long look, then backed up to open the door. “Yeah. Right. If you need anything…”
“I’m good,” Derek said, and he quickly turned his attention back to his work. At least, in these moments, his work gave him a sense of purpose, and ever made him feel like his existence was a burden.
***
‘You talk to your friend yet?’ Amit asked later that week over coffee.
Basil sighed, shaking his head. ‘I don’t know what to say, and I hate writing so much. I saw him heading into the community center for the ASL class, but they’re not going to get into anything useful for months.’
Amit gave him a tiny smile, waggling his brows. ‘You could always offer to private tutor him.’
Basil felt his cheeks heat up, even as he shook his head. ‘He was on a date.’
/>
‘One that ended almost as badly as yours, man,’ Amit pointed out. ‘I’d say a comfort blow-job is always a good conversation starter.’
Basil gave him a dry, expressionless stare. ‘Why are we friends?’
‘Because I’m amazing, and you’re kind of a loner who doesn’t like to socialize,’ he told him with a grin and a shrug. ‘Anyway, I’m just saying it might not be the worst thing in the world that the dude walked out on a date because some gym-rat insulted Deaf people.’
Basil couldn’t deny that. That fact had been haunting him since he and Amit had eavesdropped on Derek’s date. Amit was a skilled lip-reader which made it much easier for him to interpret what was being said from four tables away, and Basil had been on the edge of panic until Derek all-but told his date to fuck off and then walked away.
It was almost a near echo of Basil’s own bad date—the roles reversed, and he couldn’t ignore how it made him feel that Derek had just as quickly and just as easily jumped to his defense. He hadn’t told his sister about it, who was still feeling contrite and apologetic after the date with Jay, but he’d told Amit everything which was why they were out for ice cream that night.
‘He offered me a free tattoo,’ Basil eventually said.
Amit choked on his drink, swiping the back of his hand over his mouth to wipe away latte foam. Setting his drink down, he stared at him. Hard. ‘He offered you a free tattoo. A free tattoo at Irons and Works?’