by E M Lindsey
Like tonight, for example, their lesson before his next tattoo, there had been a tension in Derek most people might have missed, but he didn’t. There was also a quiet, private look that begged anyone who had seen it not to ask, and Basil hadn’t missed that either. So he simply gave Derek a soft, lingering kiss, and then handed over his arm to let Derek work. The profound gratitude in Derek’s eyes was enough to tell Basil he’d done the right thing. Eventually Derek would trust him to share, and that’s all that mattered.
It was more than an hour into the session when Basil noticed Sage—who was sitting in his periphery doing something on a woman’s ankle—sat up straight. It was often startling just how much he looked like Derek, but there were differences in the way his face rested. Now though, as Basil looked between both brothers, it was difficult to see them. They wore identical expressions of worry.
It took Basil a second to realize the interruption was from Derek’s phone. Sage had stood up, pointing at it, and Derek shook his head as he switched off his machine and reached for it. Basil couldn’t read their lips well enough, but he did catch, ‘Dad,’ from Sage, and he saw the way Derek’s cheeks pinked.
Basil wanted to stand up and demand that Derek let Sage take over. He knew what interacting with their father cost the man he was falling for, but it wasn’t his place. He simply looked back and forth, and felt his stomach drop when Derek finally reached for his phone and pressed it to his ear.
He shed his gloves as his lips formed the words, ‘Yeah, dad?’ As he moved to drop his gloves into the bin, Basil watched as all the color drained from his face. There was a sudden and subtle tremor to his fingers, and he sat back with a dull expression. Basil caught, ‘Yeah,’ and, ‘when,’ but that was it, though he knew whatever else he was saying had startled Sage.
Someone else had taken over the ankle-tattoo woman, and Sage had squeezed himself into Derek’s stall, touching his shoulder. The two of them stared at each other, like everything in the shop had faded away, and Basil felt a little like a voyeur as he stared at them.
After what felt like an hour, though couldn’t have been more than five minutes, Sage backed away and Derek set his phone down. There was a hollowness to his eyes as he glanced back up, like he was just remembering what he was doing, and who was sitting in his chair. Then he licked his lips and raised his fist. ‘Sorry.’
Basil leaned forward, reaching out to touch him, but felt his heart stutter when Derek pulled away and shook his head.
‘My dad,’ he signed, and then he faltered.
Swallowing thickly, Basil got his attention and focused hard. ‘Say it,’ he signed. ‘I’ll read your lips.’
Derek hesitated, like he wanted to tell him no, then he shrugged and said, “My dad died.”
Basil fell back against the seat in shock. His hands lifted, then dropped down, then lifted again, but he didn’t know what to tell him. What the hell could he say? When his parents had died, every word a person said or signed for months after felt trite and meaningless. The sympathies and the condolences only made him felt worse, and more alone, to the point his grief began to feel like rage, and he had to fight the urge to punch people every time they spoke.
After a beat, Derek picked up the machine again, but Basil moved to the end of the chair and gently laid a hand on his arm. ‘No,’ he signed. ‘Stop.’
Derek looked at him with desperate eyes. “Please,” he said aloud. “I need this.”
Basil bit his lip, but he knew Derek would deal in his own way. He looked around, but Sage was long gone, and finally he settled back and offered his arm again. Some of the tension drained out of Derek’s shoulders, and when he took Basil’s arm, he stroked his thumb near an unmarked patch of skin and gave him a look of such gratitude and thanks, it made Basil’s heart twist.
He felt the vibrations of the machine start up again, felt the sting of needles pressing into his skin, and he closed his eyes to let it happen. He expected Derek to take hours more, expected him to use Basil’s body to work through his grief. But suddenly, he was finished. Suddenly, the machine was off, and he was being wiped down and wrapped up, and then Derek stood and walked out of the room.
Basil blinked, startled by the abrupt ending, and he glanced around to see Sam wheeling closer to him, a concerned look on his face. ‘Sorry,’ Sam mouthed.
Basil shook his head, feeling a little irritated that no one else in the shop spoke any real sign, and it triggered a little bit of his hesitance at continuing something more serious with Derek. This. This was the position he didn’t want to be in.
Sam, however, reached for him and touched his arm, then pointed to the back door which Basil hadn’t gone through before. He nodded at Basil, then pointed again, and Basil understood what he was trying to say.
His legs shook a little, his body still humming from the endorphins released by the pain, but he managed a steady stride all the way back, then through the door which led right into a small room. The walls were covered in flash, a single table in the middle surrounded by five chairs, and the top a mess of markers, colored pencils, and charcoal sticks.
Derek was there, his face in his hands, elbows shaking as they held him up. He didn’t acknowledge Basil walking in, but when Basil touched his shoulder, Derek stiffened. He felt his throat tighten with what he was about to do, but all this reminded him that he was well and truly falling for this man, and this man was hurting.
“Derek,” he said aloud. He’d been practicing in secret, and no real way to tell if he’d gotten in right, but the speech lessons he’d taken when he was dating Chad had been burned into his memory forever. He’d always been bitter about them. Until now. Until Derek looked up with wide, watery eyes, shocked at the sound of Basil’s voice.
With trembling hands, Derek used the table to push himself up. He hovered over Basil for a second, hands in the air almost uselessly until they cupped the sides of Basil’s face and his thumbs stroked over his heated skin. He didn’t say anything, just looked at him, but that look was a novel of words.
He was hurting, and he didn’t know what he wanted, but there was gratitude lurking behind the pain at Basil’s presence.
“I’m sorry,” he said, continuing to speak.
Derek shook his head, his hands drifting from Basil’s cheeks to his wrists. He squeezed them gently, raising them, before letting him go. ‘Sign. Please. I know you hate voice.’
Basil went up on his toes to even their height, then he kissed him. Nothing deep, just a soft press of lips to remind Derek that he was here, and he’d do anything for him. Literally anything. He pulled back as Derek’s hands settled on his waist, and he gave himself enough space to sign. ‘What can I do?’
‘Nothing,’ Derek told him. ‘I need to…’ His hands fluttered to a stop, then he shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
Basil knew, though. He knew what came after. The paper work and the meetings and dealing with everything left behind. There would be creditors to deal with, and debt, and any property. He knew very little about Derek’s past, but he knew his father had been a disgraced politician and that meant there would be more than just the standard will. It meant things would come to light, and Sage and Derek would have to come forward after disappearing, and it meant there would be questions.
Derek would have to decide if he wanted to tell the truth—if he wanted the world to know what he’d suffered at the hands of that man.
‘I want to help,’ Basil told him, making sure Derek didn’t break their gaze. ‘Please.’
Derek licked his lips, then nodded. ‘Stay with me? Tonight. Sage and I need to fly to New York. I can’t ask you to come, too far, too long.’
Basil shook his head firmly. ‘No. Not too far. Not too long. Amaranth can work, I can go with you. Please.’
Derek looked torn, but eventually he nodded and dragged Basil into a fierce embrace. His stubbled chin brushed along Basil’s jaw as he smudged kisses all across his skin. Basil felt breath against his ear, a vibration under his f
ingers as Derek spoke something. Then he pulled back and repeated it in sign. ‘Thank you.’
Basil cupped his cheek and held him fast. There weren’t words to make this better, so he didn’t try to offer any.
***
Basil had finally drifted off, and Derek slipped from the bed as carefully as he could. He was torn in half, desperately craving touch and comfort from the man he was half-way in love with, and desperate to fall apart on his own because he hated when people saw him at his weakest. Most of the time he didn’t have a choice, but the way his father’s death was hitting him was like nothing else he’d experienced.
The anxiety was there—the crushing feeling like the world was spinning out of control and there was nothing he could do about it. But beyond that was an anger. An anger, because his father died before Derek could squeeze one last favor out of him. He died before Derek could force him to look both him and Sage in the eyes and acknowledge what he’d done. The man had left the world probably feeling like he’d had every right to torture his sons—that it had done some good for them.
And there was no way to change that now.
There was no way to drag that man back from the grave, from hell, and force him to face the messes he’d made during his fall from grace.
Derek made it to the living room, back pressed to the far wall next to the window, and he sank down. He let his face fall into his hands and his shoulders shook with dry sobs. His eyes were aching and raw, but no tears came. Derek had cried enough thanks to that man, and he had nothing left to give. But the hollow feeling in his gut was eating at him and he just wanted it to stop.
He jolted when his phone began to buzz on the table, and he leapt for it before he remembered that Basil wouldn’t hear it anyway. He saw his brother’s name on the screen and debated ignoring it, but he wasn’t that cruel. He had to face this with Sage, regardless of whatever else he planned to do.
“Hey.”
Sage cleared his throat. “I just got off the phone with dad’s lawyer. He said there’s a lot to go over, but I…but he…”
Derek could hear what Sage wasn’t saying. “He left it all to you,” he said flatly.
“I don’t want it,” Sage said in a rush. “Fuck that old man, I don’t fucking want any of it.”
Derek let out a bitter laugh, letting his head fall back against the wall with a heavy thud. “I don’t care.”
“You took care of him,” Sage growled. “The last three years, when that stupid fuck was dying, you took care of him. You answered every call and didn’t say a word against the abuse he shouted at you, and you made sure he didn’t suffer. He fucking deserved to suffer, Derek, but you are a better person than I will ever be. I don’t want any of this.” Sage let out a tiny sob, and Derek swallowed back his own.
“I don’t want it either, you know,” he admitted, his voice raw and hoarse. “I don’t care that he left it to you. I wouldn’t touch it even if it would mean I wouldn’t have to use a single student loan ever again.”
Sage was quiet a long moment, then he sighed, “What do we do? The lawyer says you need to be there—there’s shit that involves you, and he thinks some of dad’s old colleagues are going to have some questions.”
“Why? Because his teenage sons ran away from home and then abuse allegations surfaced from the single teacher who bothered to give a fuck?” Derek asked bitterly. He dragged a hand down his face. “I don’t want to care about any of this.”
“I know,” Sage said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t either. I’m done with him, and done with people dying and I just…” He let out a ragged sigh. “Will you come with me?”
“Yeah. I already booked us a flight,” Derek admitted, because he had. It was the first thing he’d done after Basil said he was going to stay by his side. “Basil’s coming too.”
He half expected Sage to protest, but instead his brother just chuckled. “Thank god.”
“Seriously?” Derek asked.
“I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at him. He’s…fuck’s sake, I signed up for sign class last week because I’m not about to exchange notes like a fucking middle schooler to talk to my eventual brother-in-law.”
Derek felt something warm explode in his chest, and it took a full thirty seconds before he could breathe again. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me,” Sage said, almost furious. “Don’t thank me for being the bare minimum of decent person. Just…pack your shit and let’s get this over with. I want to put that man in the past for good.”
“Me too,” Derek breathed out. “I’m done letting him make me into this mess.”
16.
“Hey, kiddo.”
Derek almost smacked his head, startled halfway under his desk as he gathered up a group of fallen pencils. Pushing back on his stool, he spun and glowered at Tony and Sam who were barely restraining a laugh. “Thanks, fuckers.”
Sam’s grin turned a little sad, and Derek felt a pang of irritation because the last thing he needed was more coddling from everyone. “We just wanted to catch you before you and Sage head out.” He pushed his chair a little closer and reached out his hand.
Derek was helpless against the offer of comfort, and let Sam take his arm. “We’re only going to be gone like four days, man. Trust me, I’m not eager to draw this out.”
“I know,” Sam said, and his gaze flickered back up to Tony who had Jasmine propped up on his shoulder, her face smushed against his shirt as she slept. “And I promise we’re not going to be assholes and baby you about this. We just want to remind you that this shit sucks, no matter what kind of scum he was, and if you need anything…”
“I’m good,” Derek told him, and gently pulled away from his grip. “I just want to move past this. It’ll…fuck,” he dragged his hand back through his hair, “it’ll be nice to just bury the fucker and not have to take those calls anymore.”
Except the strange thing was, knowing that weekly call wasn’t coming in felt strange. Not bad—he wasn’t going to miss listening to the old fuck slur into the receiver about what a disappointing homo he was, and how much he’d tried to beat the gay out of him, and some sinners just couldn’t be cured. But the fact that it was over, the fact that this part of his life was irrevocably changed unsettled him. And logically he knew it was because he depended on routine. That the good and the bad were what kept him functioning. Still, he wanted to be rid of that. He wanted the newness to feel normal, and he wanted it to hurry.
“Look, you know we can close up shop and do the whole funeral thing with you, Der,” Tony said, shifting Jasmine a little. “Our clients will understand, and those that don’t, well we don’t need their fuckin’ business anyway.”
Derek couldn’t help a twinge of gratitude as he pushed himself up to stand, clasping Tony’s shoulder. He gently rubbed his fingertips over Jasmine’s curls, smiling when she nuzzled her dad’s neck a bit in her sleep. “Thanks, man. Seriously, you have no idea how much I appreciate it, but we’re not making a big deal out of this. We’re the only family he had left, and we’ve already talked to the priest. It’s going to be quick and dirty, and then we get to head home.”
“Sage said you were bringing Basil with you,” Sam told him.
Derek nodded, shoving one hand into his pocket just to keep his hand from fidgeting. “Yeah. Yeah, he…I don’t even know how to feel about it, really. Like…shit. That’s never happened before—someone who gave that much of a shit about me.” When the pair of them looked a little affronted, he rolled his eyes. “I don’t mean family, asshats. I mean…other.”
“Right,” Sam said, waggling his brows.
Derek kicked at his wheel gently. “I expect to come home and find all you fucks enrolled in the class Sage just signed up for, by the way. No more fucking excuses. For him, and for Jasmine. Enough bullshitting around it.”
Tony’s cheeks darkened a little, but his lip twitched into a half smile. “I’ll see to it.”
Derek nodded
, then turned around to gather the supplies he wanted to bring on the plane. “I’ll uh…I’ll keep in touch,” he promised without turning back around. “And Sam, you call me if shit goes down. I haven’t given up on my promise to find you a lawyer, okay? We’re going to work this out.”
“Derek, right now,” Sam started, but Derek spun around and quieted him with a firm stare.
“No. Now is exactly the right time for it, Sam. In the midst of all this bullshit, if I can get something good out of it, I’ll feel like maybe I won’t totally lose my mind, okay? So, when you get home, you kiss May for me and tell her uncle DeDe loves her and that he’s going to help make this right.”
Sam swallowed thickly, then nodded. “Just be safe, asshole. And don’t be mad if you come back to me poaching all your clients. You know they can’t resist my charm.”
“Fuck off,” Derek said, grinning through the words. “I’ll be in touch.” He hugged them both, then headed back to Sage’s where he and Basil were waiting. Their flight was in a few hours, and the airport was going to be a huge pain. But it would be over. The ending was on the horizon, and Derek was more than looking forward to closing the book on that chapter of his life.
***
Derek felt a wave of guilt when he watched Basil pop a pill for his flying anxiety, but Basil quickly assured him it was fine, then held his hand as the plane began to taxi. Before they were at cruising altitude, Basil had dropped off against Derek’s shoulder and was snoring quietly into the crook of his neck.
Sage glanced over, his mouth forming a very soft grin, and he shook his head. “This looks good on you.”
“What, drool?” Derek asked, pointedly acting as though he didn’t know what his brother meant. It wasn’t that he wanted to diminish what Sage was saying, but there was a part of him still terrified to let himself be happy with another person in front of Sage after everything he’d lost.