Andrew nods. “Sounds good.”
They open the gate, careful not to let any of the pig-creatures out. There are hundreds of them in the pen—pink hogs with flat faces and walrus tusks, snorting at their feet and grazing on the gray fungus that coats the ground like grass.
Andrew gets into position next to a particularly friendly pig that sniffs at his hands and wags its fuzzy tail as though hoping to get a treat.
“Know what you’re going to say?” Mick asks.
Andrew gives a thumbs-up.
Then the cameraman says, “We’re rolling.”
A shot of Andrew standing in front of the Great Krakken Forest.
“I’ve traveled to planets all across the galaxy and Kynaria is one of the most beautiful I’ve seen.”
A zoomed-in shot of the giant blue mushrooms behind him.
“With its breathtaking scenery…”
The camera pans across the colorful landscape. Pink and purple creatures frolic through the trees.
“And its friendly inhabitants…”
Andrew pets the crote-boar as it snorts up at him.
“Kynaria is a paradise of cuisine and culture like nowhere I’ve seen before…”
A jelly bug peeks out from behind a mushroom tree, staring into the pen of crote-boars. At first, there’s only one. But then five others come out of hiding, creeping slowly toward Andrew Zimmern and the livestock.
“I’ve harvested mollusks from deep in the bowels of…”
A strong aroma fills the air. It is carried on the wind. Andrew stumbles over his words as the smell hits him and floods his senses.
“Do you smell that?” the cameraman asks Mick, sniffing at the air.
Mick can definitely smell something, but he tells the kid, “Just keep rolling.” He inhales deeply as an erection grows in his pants.
“And I’ve…” Andrew pauses to breathe in the delicious aroma. “I’ve been on the most interesting dating experience of my life…”
Behind the six jelly bugs, an entire horde of them come out of the forest. Left unchecked, they were able to breed faster than cockroaches, birthed from the hundreds of mushroom tree burrows that line Hol Poy village.
“If I’ve learned anything… from my visit to Kynaria… it’s that great taste… comes in all shapes and sizes…”
With the aroma of a hundred jelly bugs hitting him, Andrew has a hard time standing upright. He tries to finish his lines as quickly as he can.
“I’m Andrew Zimmern, reminding you…”
Mick and the cameraman see the horde of beautiful women coming out of the forest. They stop paying attention to Andrew. Their mouths drop open, saliva drooling down their chins.
“That if it looks good...”
The jelly bugs lick their lips at the sight of their prey. They move like spiders as they crawl over the fence and step into the pen. They don’t see a difference between the pigs that crawl on all fours and the pigs that walk on two legs.
“Eat it.”
Once he finishes his catchphrase, Andrew Zimmern snaps out of it. He blinks twice and composes himself. As a man who’s defeated heroin addiction, he knows how to be strong. He’s built up enough willpower to resist the intoxicating fumes filling the air.
But he doesn’t see the hundreds of naked mushroom nymphs creeping up behind him.
And he has no idea why his producer and cameraman are tearing off their clothes and racing in his direction with the largest boners he’s ever seen in his life.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carlton Mellick III is one of the leading authors of the bizarro fiction subgenre. Since 2001, his books have drawn an international cult following, despite the fact that they have been shunned by most libraries and chain bookstores.
He won the Wonderland Book Award for his novel, Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland, in 2009. His short fiction has appeared in Vice Magazine, The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror #16, The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, and Zombies: Encounters with the Hungry Dead, among others. He is also a graduate of Clarion West, where he studied under the likes of Chuck Palahniuk, Connie Willis, and Cory Doctorow.
He lives in Portland, OR, the bizarro fiction mecca.
Visit him online at www.carltonmellick.com
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Epilogue
Bonus Comic
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Epilogue
Bonus Comic
Parasite Milk Page 9