by Maise, Ella
I could only focus on the way her hands were trembling. When she noticed it herself, she hid them behind her back. I tried to catch her gaze more than a few times, but it looked like she was purposely avoiding me. The shimmer of tears in her eyes was another issue, and my chest tightened at the sight of her trying to be brave.
She followed the technician into the room, her steps faltering when she saw the tunnel-shaped machine. I watched as she hugged herself with one arm and then quickened her steps.
The technician was holding a weird contraption in her hands, waiting for Rose next to the machine.
“You can lie down on the table now. We’ll need to place this on your head so we can keep it stable in the machine.”
Rose stood still in her spot. “I…I’m a little claustrophobic. Is there any way we can skip that thing if I promise I won’t move my head?”
“I’m sorry, but we have to use it.”
A cage—it was a cage for her head.
Rose nodded but didn’t make a move to get on the table.
The technician pushed forward. “It’ll only take fifteen minutes or so to complete the scan, and I will be right on the other side of the glass.” She held up a small button connected to a long wire. “You’ll be holding this in your hand, and if you start to panic, you can press it and we’ll stop and take you out.”
“But then we’ll have to start again, right?”
“I’m afraid so. Ready?”
My jaw clenched, my hands forming fists on their own. I didn’t like this, and Rose wasn’t moving.
She laughed, the sound broken and wrong. “I’ll move any second now, promise.”
The technician smiled.
“Can I stay in the room with her?” I asked, the anger in my voice loud and clear, only I wasn’t angry at anyone there. I just hated that my hands were tied and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t help her. Me staying in the room wouldn’t change the fact that she was gonna have to go in there, but I figured it would help me, if not her.
Rose’s head snapped up to me, her lips parting. “Jack, you don’t have to do that.”
I ignored her. “Is it safe?” I asked the technician, trying my best not to growl at her. I didn’t think I was that successful because her eyes grew large and she nervously reached up to push her glasses up her nose.
“Erm, yes. It’s safe, but you’ll need to take off your—”
“Got it.” I turned away and walked out of the room to take care of everything. Less than a minute later, I was back.
Rose was still standing on her two feet and not on the table.
“Okay?” I asked when I was standing too close yet not close enough.
She took a deep breath, let it all out, and nodded. I offered her my hand and waited as she ran her palms up and down her leggings and then slowly grasped mine. It was cold. I helped her up, and right when she was about to lie down on her back, the technician stopped her.
“Oh, I’m gonna need you to lie on your stomach.”
Rose straightened up to a sitting position immediately, one of her hands still in mine, her grip as tight as possible. “What?” she sputtered.
“The scan your doctor wants is taken facedown.”
“But my nose—it’s—and…” Her eyes came to me as her face started crumpling, her breathing too fast. “Jack, I won’t be able to breathe, not facedown. I can’t—”
I gave Rose’s hand a squeeze and she stopped talking. Without shifting my eyes from hers, I addressed the technician. “Could you give us a moment, please?”
Rose’s gaze followed the technician as she stepped out of the room and closed the door. She was on the verge of hyperventilating, and the scan hadn’t even started.
“You’re going to be late to the coffee shop, and on top of that you’re making me late, too. We have to do this, right? You heard the doctor.”
She swallowed, her throat moving.
I caught her chin between my fingers and forced her gaze to meet mine. Arching an eyebrow, I asked again, “We have to do this. I need you to be okay, so we can’t avoid it.”
Licking her lips, she nodded. “I won’t be able to see anything. The room is closing in on me even right now.”
Her chest was starting to rise and fall faster; she was seconds away from a panic attack, so I leaned down until we were eye level. “You can do this, Rose. You will do this, and then we’ll get out of here. It’ll only take fifteen minutes—surely you can hang on that long. I’ll be here the entire time, and once it’s done, we won’t look back.”
She closed the distance between us and rested her forehead against mine. “I know I’m being stupid. I’m sorry. I’m scared, that’s all. I—” She took another deep breath and closed her eyes. “I’m gonna have surgery, for crying out loud—if I freak out with this, I won’t make—”
My left hand, the one that wasn’t in Rose’s death grip, clenched. “Let’s worry about this hurdle, and then we’ll start freaking out about the surgery. Take the time to think about your coffee shop. Make plans.”
Pulling back from me, she sniffled and nodded, her eyes suspiciously wet.
“You ready now?” I asked.
“You’ll really stay here?”
“I said I would, didn’t I?”
The edges of her lips moved up. “Yes, you did.” Another deep breath out. “If I didn’t worry about what you’d think of me, I’d try my best to run away from this right now.”
I gave her a long look. “I can run faster than you. I’m calling the technician back in and we’ll get this done.”
Another stiff nod and she pulled her hand back to rest it on her thigh.
I called the technician back in and she moved to Rose’s left side. “All set?”
When Rose didn’t answer, I gave the girl a curt nod.
“Since you were worried about the leaking, we’ll put this paper down under your nose so hopefully it won’t distract you too much. Also, it’s going to be loud in there, so here are your ear plugs. The sounds are completely normal, so don’t let them panic you.”
The technician offered another pair to me as Rose took them without a word and placed them in her ears.
“Ready?” the girl asked, her gaze moving between mine and Rose’s.
Rose cleared her throat. “Yes.”
She secured her head in the contraption, and I helped her lie down on her stomach. Her eyes were already tightly closed.
Before the technician could disappear behind the door, I got her attention.
“Can I touch her?”
“Yes, but try not to move her.”
The door closed, and Rose and I were alone—if you didn’t count everyone else on the other side of the glass, that is.
A few seconds later, the technician’s voice filled the room as she spoke into a mic from the other side. “Okay, we’re about to start, Rose. I’ll be talking and letting you know how many minutes are left. Here we go.”
Just as the machine started up, I put my hand on the only part of her body I could reach without pushing my arm into the tunnel: her ankle. I forced myself to relax so my grip wouldn’t be painful, but I wasn’t sure how successful I was with that. At first I could hear her erratic breathing as she tried to inhale and exhale in an effort to calm herself down, but when the noises started getting louder and louder, I couldn’t hear anything.
As minutes passed and I started to get more anxious by the second, all I could do was gently run my thumb up and down under the edge of her legging. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the way my heart was hammering in my chest. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. It was just a simple, painless MRI scan, but her panic had affected me as well, and I had trouble just standing still when all I wanted to do was pull her out so she wouldn’t hurt and I wouldn’t see that scared and worried look in her eyes again.
As the machine’s jackhammering sounds picked up and all the banging and thumping and beeping started to get to me, I just circled my fingers around her
ice-cold ankle and held on, hoping she was doing okay in there and hoping that I was waiting for her.
“We have just a few minutes left. You’re doing great.”
“It’s almost over, Rose,” I said in a normal voice. I didn’t think she could hear me over the maddening sounds or through her ear plugs, but just in case she could, I kept talking to her, saying the same thing again and again. “It’s almost over. I’m right here. You’re almost done. I’m right here with you.”
“And it’s done,” the girl said cheerfully through the speakers. “I’ll be right in to get you out.”
The loud beating in my skull stopped and I realized the machine had as well. The technician opened the door and walked in. I let go of Rose’s ankle and clenched my hand a few times as I stepped back to let the technician do her job and get Rose out of there so I could get to her.
The moment the table started to slide out of the machine, Rose started moving. Just as her head cleared the opening and I saw her profile, my heart sank. She looked worse than I’d expected, and I’d expected it to be quite bad already. I took a step forward then stopped, clenching my fists at my sides. The second she could, she got up to her hands and knees, her eyes wide open, tears rapidly coursing down her cheeks in rivulets. Her entire body was shaking, her breathing frantic, as if she couldn’t quite remember how to breathe. Other than the shallow and harsh breathing, she wasn’t making a single sound. Sitting back on her heels, she started to push back the contraption on her head until the technician helped her and released her from it.
“Give me a minute and we’ll help you down.”
Rose didn’t listen to her. I doubt she even heard her. She pushed her legs out from under her and tried to put her foot on the little ladder they had, but her legs didn’t hold her up and she stumbled. I rushed forward and caught her before she could fall on her face. She fisted my button-up shirt in her hands, but with her eyes swimming with tears, I doubted she could even make out any of my features.
My jaw set, I got my arm under her legs and lifted her off the table and into my arms. The fact that she didn’t protest only wound me up tighter. Her arms rounded my neck and she pushed her face into my neck, her tears running down my skin.
Without a word to Rose or the technician, I quickly walked out of the room with her clinging to me and moved back into the small space where we had gotten ready. I closed the door behind us with my shoulder and gently sat down on the bench next to the wall. I stayed quiet until her breathing was finally on its way to getting back to normal.
“It’s over now. Calm down.”
Her head moved just a fraction, but she still stayed put. I closed my arms a little tighter around her, just holding her close.
She pressed her palm high on my chest and held it there. “I can’t…I can’t seem to catch my breath, Jack.”
I closed my eyes. Her voice was scratchy, and it bugged the hell out of me. “You’re doing fine. Just keep breathing and that’s enough for now.”
Her chest moved against mine when she released a small snort. “That’s enough?”
“That’s enough.”
She burrowed in closer. “I’m sorry—for embarrassing you, for freaking out, for not being able to move right now even though your shirt and skin are soaked with my tears and some brain fluids.”
My eyes still closed, I dropped my head back with a small thud against the wall. She was killing me.
“I was fine the first ten minutes or so,” she whispered, pushing her forehead into my skin. “But then I couldn’t breathe. My head started spinning like crazy and the tears just started coming down on their own. I was afraid they were gonna stop and start it all over again, so I don’t even know how I stopped the shaking.”
I kissed her temple. “You did fine and it’s done.”
“I should get up.”
“Yes.”
We didn’t move, I kissed her temple again. I couldn’t stop myself. She was still trembling slightly, but when a knock sounded on the door, she stirred in my arms.
“Give us a second,” I called out, raising my voice only enough that whoever was outside could hear me.
Pressing her hand on my chest, Rose pushed herself off of me before I was ready to let go and slowly got back up on her feet. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she opened the locker and grabbed the tissue she’d apparently left inside, quickly wiping under her nose and tilting her head back. Holding the tissue and sniffling at the same time, she started to pull out the rest of her things. Still sitting down, I watched her eyes dart around, her face blotchy and wet. I caught sight of her blue lacy bra and rose to my feet.
“I’ll wait for you outside.”
As I was moving to go pick up my own things—my watch, belt, and wallet—from the desk, her voice stilled me.
“Jack?”
I pressed my lips together and glanced back at her over my shoulder, waiting for her to go on. She was standing in front of the locker with her socks on, hugging her bra and her coat to her chest. For the first time, she really looked ill, not to mention lost and alone, and that image didn’t sit right with me. No, it pissed me the hell off.
“This isn’t enough, I know, but thank you. Thank you for being here when I know you… Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I muttered, my tone harsher than I intended, before giving her a curt nod and stepping out of the room.
When she stepped out a few minutes later, she looked better. She even offered the technician a smile before walking out the door. She had licked her wounds and was ready for the rest. I believed that was why I was starting to fall for her.
I placed my hand on the small of her back, maintaining whatever contact I could with her all the way to the car.
* * *
They had scheduled her surgery for the following Tuesday after her eventful MRI. That one week was hell on earth for both of us. On Monday they needed us to come in so they could do the last few tests that were necessary for the surgery to go smoothly. An eye exam, an echocardiogram, and a pre-assessment with the anesthesiologist were just a few of the things we—she had done. Rose thought all of it was fun. That was her go-to word the last few days leading up to the surgery, and she was laying it on thick with the sarcasm. For me, it had been anything but fun.
She was all smiles when she was working—welcoming the customers, laughing and joking around with Sally and the other one—but as soon as she closed the place down with me standing right next to her, she turned mute.
She barely talked to Raymond and didn’t ask about his latest date, which I had gathered was her favorite thing to do in the mornings and in the evenings as he drove us back to the apartment. She barely said hello to the doorman, Steve, and left me to do the talking.
Me.
The days after the MRI, as soon as we got home, she disappeared into her room, mumbling a few things that ended up with her saying something about having a headache and being tired. I believed her. I knew she was tired, could see she was having headaches more frequently, but on Monday when we got back from the hospital and she ran straight up to her room without a word, I finally reached my limit and couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t going to let her revert back to the way we’d been when she’d first moved in.
I’d managed to convince her to skip going to the coffee shop the day before the surgery. It would be her first day off of many until she felt all right enough to get back on her feet.
She looked heartbroken when I had to gently keep her moving toward the car with my hand on the small of her back as she kept looking back at the coffee shop over her shoulder as if it’d be the last time she’d see it. I felt like I was taking her baby away from her. When she went straight up to her room, I let her be for the time being.
I took off my suit jacket, rolled up my sleeves, and walked straight into the kitchen.
An hour later when it was six PM and the table was ready, I reached for my phone and sent Rose a quick text.
Jack: Can you co
me downstairs?
Rose: I don’t feel so great, Jack. If it’s not anything important, I’d like to stay in bed.
Other than the simple fact that I didn’t want her to be alone, she also hadn’t had anything to eat the entire day, and no matter what she said, I wouldn’t let her spend the next however many hours hungry. She had three hours before she needed to stop eating.
Jack: I’d really like your help with something if you could just come down.
I knew that would get her moving, because it was probably the first time I’d asked for her help with anything. Just the curiosity alone would get to her.
Sure enough, two minutes later, I heard her door open and close. Then footsteps started down the stairs and she came into the living room. Her hair was up in a simple ponytail with a few strands of her hair framing her pale face. She was wearing a chunky and oversized sand-colored sweater that fell way past her hips, and under that she had on what looked like simple black leggings and some cozy socks. Her sweater’s arms were pulled down, and in one hand she was grasping a tissue, something that had become a constant for her these last few weeks.
As soon as she saw me standing next to the dining table with my hands shoved in my pockets, her steps slowed down and her eyes darted between the set table and me.
“Jack? You need my help with something?” she asked, holding the tissue up to her nose and sniffling.
“Yes.” I walked around her and pulled out the chair she was standing next to. “I need your help with finishing this food.”
She glanced at me over her shoulder, fidgeting. “Jack—”
“You haven’t eaten anything today, Rose.” I softened my tone and looked into her eyes. “You only have three hours then you won’t be able to eat or drink anything anyway. I don’t want to eat alone, so you’re going to eat with me.”