She rubbed her brow under her cowboy hat. ‘I was fine. I’m used to their threats by now. It’s just that, as I watched you and Tilly … She was having such a good time and it was so easy and simple with no tension attached and I thought to myself, that is the way it should have been with her father and then she goes and confides in you and I couldn’t help but worry about the fact she doesn’t have a positive father figure in her life, because she obviously wants one, but she has none, not even a grandfather, she only has me and what if I’m not enough?’ She sucked in a breath as the last words poured out of her. She hadn’t meant to say that. Hell, she hadn’t even realised that thought was so large in her head that now having spoken the words, she felt their absence like something she’d cravenly held onto, caressing them and feeding them until they’d become a part of her like an arm or a leg. Waving her hands, she backed away. ‘I’m being stupid. Forget I said anything.’ She turned, heading to the bridles. ‘Which ones do we need?’
His hand on her shoulder as she reached for the bridles made her stiffen but despite her resistance, he turned her to face him, tucking his finger under her chin and making her look up. ‘You won’t make the same mistakes your mother made with you, Natalia.’
She opened her mouth to argue but the words slipped away. ‘But what if I do? You know the old saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree …”’
‘You are nothing like your mother, Natalia.’
‘But what if I am?’ The words were hot sobs in her throat, caught there with the tears she refused to let fall. She’d fallen apart on Barb, there was no way she was falling apart on Reid too.
He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. ‘Shit, Natalia. How can you think that? Your mother was … well …’
‘She was weak.’
‘I wouldn’t say that. Troubled, maybe. But you’re nothing like her. Look at what you’ve dealt with. You’re one of the strongest women I know.’
‘You always saw me with rose-coloured glasses.’ She pulled away from him. If she let herself give in to the comfort of him, she’d burst into tears. Big ugly tears, the kind that came with snot and sobbing and then he’d turn from her, disgusted, as Andrew always had, unable to deal with the strength and turbulence of her emotions.
He shook his head as she stepped away. ‘I see you as you are. Strong, brave, amazing. There’s no point shaking your head, because it’s true. Ask anyone here.’
She snorted. ‘You’re delusional.’
‘Maybe I am, but not about this.’
She sniffed, mouth twisting, desperately trying to keep her emotions in check. Tilly would be back in here any moment and she didn’t need to see her mother lose her shit. ‘I wish I could be the woman you remember me being. But I don’t know where she went. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself.’ She laughed, a hiccough of sound. ‘That sounds so trite.’
‘Maybe. But perhaps that’s both our problem.’
She frowned. ‘You don’t seem to be any different. You’re just as confident as always.’
He laughed. ‘That was always a bit of a front. There was never a time I didn’t feel slightly terrified inside.’
‘Really?’ She couldn’t believe he’d said that and by the look on his face, he couldn’t believe he had either.
His stunned expression disappeared as his lips hitched up at the side. ‘Really. I was always terrified of my feelings for you. They were always so big and you were so much more than I thought I could ever have. Then you looked at me one day and I thought maybe you could be mine, even though I knew I was kidding myself.’
‘Reid.’ She touched his arm and his gaze met hers, his beautiful green eyes so clear, so open. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘For what?’
‘For what I did back then. I shouldn’t have done that to you. Used you in that way. I knew how you felt for me. You always looked at me in a way that made me feel like I was special, that I could do no wrong.’
‘You were special. You are special.’
She looked at her fingers—they were making circles on his arm. She dropped her hand back to her side. ‘So were you. And you deserved so much more than to be used by me to make me feel better. I let my own fear and pain guide me. It wasn’t fair.’ Her gaze flickered to the scar on his forehead. ‘I know I hurt you. Not just physically.’
He touched his scar. ‘You didn’t do this. I did. I was being stupid.’
‘You were being stupid because of me. And rather than being decent about it and letting you down easily, I got scared and ran.’
‘You weren’t scared. You dealt with the blood and mess and got me to the hospital and stayed to make sure I was fine.’
‘Yeah, but then I ran.’
‘Why? Did I look so horrifying?’
She swallowed hard, but her gaze was unflinching as it met his. ‘It wasn’t the way you looked. It was … the way you looked at me. I wanted safety and security and something known. You weren’t any of that and I couldn’t let myself feel what I was feeling because it was wild and frightening and … and …’ She shook her head, blinking rapidly. He was staring down at her, the expression on his face raw and exposed. ‘I’m so sorry. I used you, I hurt you and I left you and returned to a man I thought was right for me.’ Even though he’d broken up with her when she came back here to look after her mother. She snorted. ‘I was wrong about him too.’ She bit her lip and met his gaze. ‘I’m so sorry. No matter how much what you represented scared me, I shouldn’t have treated you like that.’
He took her hands. ‘It’s okay, Nat. I got over it.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can you forgive me?’
‘Of course. I would never have left with Luke and gone on to do what I did if you hadn’t left me behind.’ She flinched. ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ He squeezed her hands, thumbs rubbing slowly along the backs of them. ‘I knew you were in pain and I took advantage of that, pushed you. I knew you didn’t really want me.’
‘That doesn’t make it right. What I did. Please accept my apology.’
‘Okay—although it’s not necessary.’
Her lips twisted into a wry grin and she pulled her hands from his, the sensation of his thumb rubbing over her skin just too good. ‘For me it is.’
He nodded. ‘So, what now?’
‘Do you think maybe we could be friends?’
‘Friends.’ He held out his hand.
She slipped her hand into his, shook. ‘Friends.’
He smiled and it felt like a ray of sunshine that warmed her soul. She returned his smile. Saying sorry, hashing that out with him, it had lifted something dark and heavy from her shoulders.
‘Mum! Mac says we need those saddles and bridles,’ Tilly said as she ran in to the stables. ‘Come on. Mac says we have to get a wriggle on.’ Gesturing wildly, she ran back out the door.
Nat laughed. ‘I guess we need to get a wriggle on.’
‘I guess we do.’
Hauling out saddles and bridles for forty horses was busy, hot work and it was easy to forget everything else in the soothing, familiar rhythm of it. Soon the corral fences were covered in all the paraphernalia needed for saddling up forty horses and Nat found herself working alongside Reid, Mac, Ben and John, one of their part-time hands who helped mostly with the breeding side of the business.
Too short to really help, Tilly had been given the job of filling up the feed bags for when the horses came back from the ride. Reid had sent the dogs back to Barb to lock into the enclosure, telling Tilly it was because their friendliness could overwhelm some of the tourists who weren’t used to big dogs, and also because Bos wasn’t good around strange men. Nat watched her daughter out of the corner of her eye, studiously filling the bags from the big trough of feed inside the door to the stables. She seemed happy. Once again Reid had proved to know how to handle her.
‘Hey.’ She turned at the call to see Reid hauling a Western saddle onto a large-boned
chestnut gelding. ‘You’re slacking off there. Pick up the pace, or I’ll have to hire new help.’
‘If you do I’ll sick Barb on you and then you’ll be looking for help,’ Nat sassed back.
Mac snorted. ‘I like her,’ he said to Reid. ‘She isn’t falling for any of your charm like they usually do.’
‘She never did.’
Nat almost choked on that. If only he knew. No. He could never know.
Turning her back on Tilly—she was perfectly safe doing what she was doing—Nat grabbed another bridle and went to find the horse Reid had indicated the next saddle was for. The rhythm of saddling came back just like Reid had said—bridle first, brush, check for signs of sores, place the blanket, haul the saddle, lift the blanket up at the front so it didn’t rub the horse’s withers, tighten the girth, hoop the stirrup through the reins, toss over the saddle and move on to the next. She only stopped for Reid to indicate which horse for which bridle and saddle combination, or if a horse needed a martingale to stop them from tossing their head too high or a breastplate to keep the saddle from sliding.
Rolling her shoulders as she finished, she knew she’d feel sore tomorrow after the unfamiliar activity. She patted the horse’s rump and watched it amble away. She was about to reach up and massage her shoulders when two large, warm hands began to do the job for her.
She knew those hands too well.
She should pull away, but god, it felt so good. Was this what friends did? She wasn’t sure. ‘You don’t have to do that, you know,’ she said, twisting her head around to peer at Reid.
‘I know. But if I don’t, you’ll be next to useless tomorrow.’
Nat groaned as his long fingers found a particularly tight muscle over her shoulder blade.
‘You’re pretty tight. You need to loosen up.’
Her head dropped back as his fingers worked their way down her spine. ‘Is that what you’re trying to do? Loosen me up?’
He grinned—a friendly grin, of course—and continued massaging. His fingers worked their way back up to her neck and then into her hair, massaging the base of her skull. ‘My god! Were you a masseuse in a past life?’
He chuckled. ‘No. But doing what I do, I have a physio, a myotherapist and a masseuse almost permanently on tap. I picked up a few tricks.’
‘They’re pretty good tricks. If you don’t stop now I’m going to be a puddle in the dirt.’ She placed her hands over his, stopping their motion, enjoying the feel of warm, strong male flesh in hers for a moment longer than she should. Then she pulled away, spinning to face him. ‘Thanks.’
‘I can do it for longer if you like.’
She longed to say yes but knew it had been feeling too damn good, better than a massage from a friend should feel. ‘No. That’s alright. A hot shower and some Goanna Oil should do the trick nicely now that you’ve loosened the worst knots. But I can manage any stiff parts you’ve got if you like.’
His face went blank just as she realised what she’d said. Suddenly feeling hotter than the sun, she turned and went to join her daughter who was with Ariel, the horse she’d been learning on, feeding her out of a bucket of grain.
‘Look, Mum, she loves eating out of my hand.’ She giggled as the horse’s soft mouth brushed her hand. ‘That tickles. Stop it, you silly horse. You’re blowing half the grains away.’
Nat ran her hand down Ariel’s blaze; thankful Tilly was so taken with the horse she didn’t notice her mother’s flushed face. ‘I used to love doing that too. Their breath’s so warm, their lips so soft. Just make sure you keep your thumb out of the way.’
‘I am, Mum. She’s a good horse, isn’t she?’
‘The best.’
A horn blew in the distance, followed by the sound of a large motor revving and tyres crunching over the gravel of the drive leading to the parking lot. She turned to see the flash of white appearing between the trees lining the long drive. ‘Oh look, here comes the bus now.’
‘So, ladies,’ Reid said, joining them, his attention on Tilly, a flush riding high on his cheeks the moment he glanced at Nat.
Oh god, why had she offered to massage his stiff parts? That wasn’t what a friend would say at all. He smiled at her, as if to say it was all right. Maybe it was. She relaxed a little and smiled back.
‘Are you ready for this?’
‘As ready as we’ll ever be, right, Tilly?’
‘Right.’
Together they walked towards the tourists spilling off the bus, joining Barb and Lisa to help lead them into the cafe to get them to sign waivers and to kit them up for their ride in the bush and with every step, she was aware of Reid following behind.
Chapter 11
The moment the tourists saw Reid, their excitement edged up another notch. Obviously, he had a huge fan base in Japan. He handled it well though, happily posing for photos with each client before mounting them on their horses.
Nat was once again surprised at his patience. It was something he’d been lacking as a young man. Despite what she’d said to him earlier about seeming the same as he’d always been, he’d changed a lot.
Reid handled the adoration and horse assignment with a smooth efficiency that belied the fact he’d been away for years. He was a natural at any physical activity, but he was also a natural with people, charming everyone with a laid-back attitude and easy humour, speaking in Japanese as much as he spoke in English, which shouldn’t have surprised her given how much he travelled. Very soon all the riders were relaxed and forgot he was famous. He was just the guy running the ride.
When there were only a few clients left to take care of, she turned her attention to Tilly, helping her to mount Ariel and make sure she was good to go. When she finished, she turned to find Reid leading over the horse he had assigned her, a tall golden mare, her colouring so dark as to almost be red against her white fall of mane.
‘This is Leia.’
She ran a hand down the mare’s fine muzzle, letting the horse get her scent. ‘Let me guess, her full name is Princess Leia?’ Mac and Lisa’s voices washed over her as they gave instructions to the riders behind her.
‘You’ve got it.’
‘So where are Han and Luke?’
He gestured with his head as he grabbed the reins of a magnificent black stallion. ‘This here is Han—he’s mine—and that golden palomino over there with the spotted nose is Luke.’ He gestured to Leia. ‘I broke Leia in myself a few years ago when I was here for a visit. She’s a lovely mare. I’m planning on breeding her with Han here when she comes into heat.’ His lips quirked into a smile. ‘It seems only fitting—they are lovers after all.’
‘Most definitely fitting.’ She smiled, leaning forward to give Han a loving pat. ‘You’re a beautiful boy, aren’t you?’
‘And doesn’t he know it.’
‘You’re not interested in breeding a palomino then?’
‘No. That’s Barb’s thing. Flynn and I talked and he wants to diversify. As you can see, he’s already started.’ He gestured at the chestnuts and bays around them. They’d always had a selection of other colours, but now they were almost equal to the palominos. ‘We’ll still breed palominos but want to open up to other colours and breeds as well.’ Behind them, Mac and Lisa were just finishing up their instructions. He gave her a wide smile. ‘All right. Time to see if you remember your stuff. Do you need help mounting?’
She snorted. ‘I may be older, but I’m not decrepit.’
‘I can see that.’
His eyes ran over her. Heat followed. She turned away, hoping he hadn’t seen her reaction, her fingers clenching on the saddle as she prepared to mount Leia. Then a completely different kind of worry washed over her. What if she’d forgotten how to ride? No. Don’t be ridiculous. She’d done this so many times, there was no way she could have forgotten. Despite what she said, she knew it was like riding a bike—once you knew, you knew. Okay, so stop standing here dithering, Nat, and get up.
Three little hops—she’d always do
ne three little hops—and pushed up, leg sliding over the rump of the horse and into the other stirrup. She gripped the reins in one hand and settled into the saddle. Coming home! It felt like coming home.
‘Here, I’ll check your stirrups.’ Reid put his hand on her leg to push it back so he could grip the stirrup leather.
Desire shot from the point of contact right to her centre. She jerked her leg away. Damn! ‘I’ll do it myself.’
He patted her leg. ‘If you’re sure?’
‘I am.’
She fixed her stirrup length as he talked briefly with Mac and Lisa then moved towards Han to mount.
‘I thought Flynn didn’t like riding the stallions with the group.’
Reid swung up onto Han’s back. ‘Mostly that’s true, but Han is special. Besides, I know how to control him.’
Something about his tone had her looking at him quickly. ‘I didn’t mean to imply you don’t know what you’re doing.’
‘Of course you didn’t,’ he said quickly. ‘Alright, everyone ready to go?’ He rode towards the gate calling over his shoulder, ‘Natalia, do you mind bringing up the rear until Mac can join us?’
‘Not a problem.’
‘Ben and Lisa, can you take middle position and ride the line? Tilly, you can ride up front with me. Let’s lead them out.’ He opened the gate and then with a loud shrill whistle which brought every horses’ head up and around to face him, he led them out the gate.
The chatter and laughter quickly died down as they set off. Most of the cameras had been left behind and those that were slung around necks, were mostly unused, as hands were too busy clinging to saddles and reins. Now there was just the shuffle and muffled clip clop of the horses’ hooves as they rode across the well-trodden path that led across the grassy paddock on the plateau, the occasional nicker and warbles from the blackbirds in the nearby trees.
Once in a while, one of the riders would call out to another, excitement over their horse trotting forward to catch up with the one in front, laughter over a horse stopping for a pee—she had to show a number how to stand forward while the horse, legs splayed, relieved itself in a loud, gushing stream. She was also kept busy rounding up the horses who stopped to eat the long dry fronds of grass they passed.
Climbing Fear Page 13