“I’m not okay,” she whispered.
“I know,” Tank said, holding her tight.
And they both knew what that meant.
CHAPTER ONE
Ten years later...
“HELLO, I AM Montana Banks. And I am addicted to BASE jumping.”
Obviously not what they’d expected her to say. Eighteen pairs of eyes stared at her with varying degrees of judgment.
Safe space my ass.
“Um...okay. Well, welcome, Montana,” the director of the Addictions Support Group, Jane, said in the awkward silence. “I’m not entirely sure you’re in the right place...” She gestured to the manual on her lap as though searching for the rules. Or a reason to ask Montana to leave.
“This is a group for people addicted to things they shouldn’t do, right?” Montana asked.
Jane glanced around the room. “Not things we shouldn’t do...more like, things we are trying not to do, things that negatively impact our lives or the people around us.”
“Well, I’m in the right place then,” Montana said. Though whether she’d come back next week was still up for debate. It had taken three months of living in Wild River, Alaska, for her to get enough courage to walk into the Addictions Support Group and this reception was precisely why. No one was going to take her challenges seriously. Not when her “issue” seemed a lot less serious than everyone else’s.
Unfortunately, there was no group to support extreme athletes with brain injuries that prevented them from fulfilling their life passion.
As different the demons of everyone in this room were, they all shared the same storm cloud over their heads every day. One no one else saw. One they constantly battled against to find a ray of sunshine. Montana wasn’t so different.
For her, that ray of light was Kaia, her ten-year-old daughter. Staring at the picture of the two of them on her cell phone, Montana released a deep breath. Moving to Wild River had been the right thing to do. She’d let her injury keep her from her daughter long enough. No matter how hard living in the small ski-resort town got, she would not abandon the little girl again.
But maybe the group wasn’t the right place for her. She gathered her things. “It’s okay, I’ll leave.”
“No, please stay,” Jane said, her warm, welcoming nature returning. “Everyone, meet Montana.”
“Hi, Montana!” the group said in unison.
“Why don’t you tell us about yourself?” Jane said. She checked her watch.
Everyone was given the floor for ten minutes, and pressure to sum up thirty-four years of life made Montana’s heart race. Where did she start? With the BASE jumping injury ten years ago that had derailed her future? Or further back to the incident that rocked her existence?
“I’m new to Wild River,” she said. “I have a daughter here and I am trying to reintegrate back into her life.”
Nods. They all understood that. Alienation from family members and the struggle to find a way home again was a common thread in the group.
“I’ve started a new career with an amazing business partner and I’ve made a lot of new friends here in town.” Settling in had been disturbingly simple. Her new apartment was cheap and close to everything in town and her landlord had no problem with her not signing their usual one-year lease, instead allowing her to pay month by month. Her new job at SnowTrek Tours launching a new legalized BASE jumping location in Wild River had gone a lot smoother than she ever could have predicted, thanks to the local mayor, who was an extreme sports junkie himself. She’d made friends—including Cassie, her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and the owner of SnowTrek Tours. And she was coparenting like a superstar with Kaia’s father, Tank. Life was...simple. And easy.
Unfortunately, simple and easy weren’t enough for her.
“But every morning when I wake up, the first thing on my mind is jumping off a cliff.” Wide eyes made her add quickly, “With a parachute.” A wingsuit actually, but she knew they didn’t care about the details. “And the persistent temptation doesn’t go away. It used to be a big part of my life. It was everything, actually. An adrenaline rush like no other, it was highly addictive.” She’d started skydiving with her grandmother at age thirteen, then BASE jumping at eighteen, when she was barely old enough to sign a waiver. She’d traveled all over the world with other extreme athletes and had soared over the most breathtaking scenery. She was among the top jumpers in the world and had even done a short stint in jail for an illegal jump-off from a city building...until the accident changed everything.
She cleared her throat and continued. “But I know it’s not the right path for me anymore.” Her unpredictable brain with its rare form of transient global amnesia and impaired judgment couldn’t be relied on for a safe jump anymore. “What’s that saying? Those who can’t, teach... Well, that’s where I am.”
With her BASE jumping fundamentals course booked solid all month long at the cost of $3000 a week, SnowTrek Tours no longer had to worry about the competition from North Mountain Sports Company opening their big new chain store and claiming some of their usual adventure-tour clients. Cassie’s business was thriving in the other store’s shadow, and Montana was happy that she’d been able to help Tank’s girlfriend and the woman who’d been her daughter’s primary role model in Montana’s absence all these years. But she couldn’t deny the ache in her chest whenever she stood at the top of Suncrest Peak, staring down into the breathtaking valley, knowing she’d never be able to soar over it again. It was too much of a risk when she wasn’t sure what triggered her random bouts of amnesia and if one were to happen midjump, it could be devastatingly dangerous.
“Thank you for sharing that,” Jane said. “So, what do you do to help get you past the tougher days? The challenging times when you’re tempted to give in?”
I see my dead sister and she talks sense into me.
“I’m still figuring that part out,” Montana said, taking a seat quickly before she could verbalize the thought and have them think she was even crazier than they did already.
Half an hour later, the meeting wrapped up and she collected her things to head back to the office. The next day was the first day of her BASE training program. The four-day course would teach wannabe jumpers the fundamentals...while keeping them safely on the ground. It was the best place to start with the new venture. Fall was only two months away and winter would shut them down until spring, so Montana would have at least a year before the advanced courses started and she’d have to actually watch other people jump. Cassie thought her idea to use their first few months in operation to introduce athletes to jumping and hook them early for their first jump next year was a brilliant way to build their business. Montana accepted the compliment and didn’t reveal that she just wasn’t ready yet to see other people doing what she loved.
She tied her short hair into a ponytail, laced her running shoes tighter and set off at a fast pace through town toward Main Street.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Exercise was supposed to help with the pent-up energy she had inside, but five miles a day and an hour of weight training barely took the edge off. The mountain air and the breathtaking view of the wilderness just made the itch stronger. Her parents had thought moving back to Denver was the best thing for her. They hadn’t been supportive of her decision to come to Alaska, hesitant to believe she was well enough to live completely on her own, a million miles away from them. And some days, she wanted to agree with them, but after reconnecting with Kaia, she couldn’t leave her. Skype chats and phone calls and letters may have worked in the past, but now that she was there, actually spending time with her daughter, she didn’t want to lose that closeness they were forming.
Kaia was almost eleven now. She was growing so fast. Montana had spent years trying to get well enough to be in her life without putting her safety at risk. She wouldn’t live another day without knowing Kaia and being there for her in whate
ver capacity she needed.
Even if it meant struggling every day to face her own limitations and learn to eventually accept them.
Ten minutes later she opened the door to SnowTrek Tours.
“No... I’m sorry, that course is full until May of next year,” Cassie said, the landline phone pinned between her shoulder and ear while she typed on her laptop. Several other lines were lighting up and she shot Montana a desperate look through a veil of blond hair falling across her face.
Dropping her things onto her desk, Montana picked up the phone and hit one of the lines. “Thank you for calling SnowTrek Tours, can you hold for just a moment?” Twice more she repeated the action, then returned to the first caller. “Hello, sorry about the wait. How can I help you?”
“Hey, I’m calling about the Fundamentals of BASE course.” Who wasn’t? She’d been right about her prediction that legalizing the sport in Wild River would have SnowTrek Tours turning adventure seekers away. But even she hadn’t known how much things would have exploded for the small local company.
The site wasn’t even officially open yet and they were booked solid for tour groups with experienced professional jumpers in the spring, her advanced courses were already full and the fundamentals course was even more popular.
Who knew there were so many adrenaline junkies in the world?
She was happy that things were going well, but being surrounded 24/7 by talk of the sport she loved and couldn’t do was making her crazy. But at least she was involved somehow. It was the next best thing and she couldn’t complain. For nine years in Denver, she’d gone completely insane, holed up in the city, being treated like a child by her overprotective parents.
Baby steps.
She was living on her own and hadn’t burned the place down yet.
She answered the third call. “SnowTrek Tours, how may I help you?”
“Well, you could start by going to dinner with me Saturday night.”
Montana felt her face flush at the sound of Lance’s voice. In the last three months, she’d been out with the local snowboarding god three times—two dinners and a coffee date. But he’d been away for three weeks and had obviously been so busy he’d forgotten to text. She wasn’t that woman—the one who couldn’t take a hint. Clearly, he just wasn’t that into her. Yet, here he was calling again. “I’m sorry, who is this?”
He laughed. “I deserve that.”
“Yes, you do,” she said.
“I’m sorry I was MIA. New York was insane. Back-to-back meetings and promotional events...”
Dates with countless groupies, casual hookups with no strings attached...she knew the lifestyle. She’d once been a professional athlete, traveling the world, meeting new people, getting involved temporarily then moving on. Hell, Kaia had been the result of that lifestyle. For her, at least. Tank on the other hand had been in love with her back then, but Montana hadn’t had a real connection with anyone, not having allowed anyone in her life to get too close in a very long time. Not even her daughter’s father.
Maybe more than just her brain was broken.
“And I left my cell in a taxi,” Lance was saying, “that’s why I’m calling you at work.”
Lost cell phone. Not exactly the most creative excuse. “It’s fine. I get it.” It was fine. She did get it. They’d had three dates. They weren’t exclusively seeing one another.
“So, is that a yes to dinner?”
Montana hesitated. She liked Lance, and she wasn’t ready for a relationship, which made him the perfect man for her right now...but on the other hand, she wasn’t interested in a fling either—not exactly the right example she wanted to set for her daughter. Therefore, that left a semicasual thing that could potentially turn into more and leave her with a broken heart. The guy was a major player. He’d ghosted her for three weeks and would no doubt do it again.
But what was her Saturday night alternative?
Hanging out at The Drunk Tank, the local bar she’d previously owned with her ex, with two couples very much in love? Or Netflix and takeout, while trying to drown out the sound of her next-door neighbor’s attempt at learning to play guitar?
“Seven o’clock?” she said.
“I’ll pick you up.”
Montana disconnected the call and stared at it.
“Going out with Lance again?” Cassie asked, ending her own call.
“Yeah...” She paused. “I know, I’m a sucker, you can say it.” Hadn’t she gone on about the fact that if the guy said he was going to call and didn’t call, it was a clear sign to move on? Hadn’t she claimed she was done with Lance? Several times now.
Cassie laughed. “I’m the last person on the planet to lecture you on giving second and third and fourth chances.”
Cassie did get it. For years, she’d played the same cat and mouse game with Montana’s ex, Tank. The two had finally gotten together, and Montana liked to think she’d been a part of Tank’s eye-opening. Cassie was too amazing to find fault with. She was a successful career woman, the partner Tank needed in his life and a wonderful role model to Montana’s daughter. Whoever said women couldn’t build one another up and celebrate successes was wrong. The two of them were proof of it.
“He’s just exciting and I desperately crave excitement.” Lance’s adventurous, no-fear attitude was a reflection of her own, but she worried part of his waning interest in her was because she was no longer the extreme athlete she used to be.
Hell, she was a disappointment to herself.
“Just be careful fraternizing with the enemy,” Cassie said, pulling up the window blinds and nodding to the chain store across the street.
Lance was the new poster boy for North Mountain Sports Company—images of him and his new line of snowboards decorated their exterior windows—therefore Montana was careful what she revealed to him regarding the BASE jump site and SnowTrek Tours’ future business plans.
She bit her lip. “You don’t think that’s why he’s dating me, do you?”
Cassie shook her head. “Oh my God—no! That’s not what I meant. I was totally kidding. He’s dating you because he’d be an idiot not to. Look at you! I’d hate you if you weren’t also the best business partner and co-mom I could ask for.”
Montana nodded. They were amazing business partners and co-moms to Kaia. They were enough alike to agree on most things, and Montana was desperate to believe that they were different enough to both add value to the little girl’s life.
Unfortunately, some days she questioned whether that was true or if Cassie could handle both just fine without her.
* * *
EDDIE SPRINTED FROM his truck to the entrance of the Alaska Department of Public Safety building in Anchorage. He yanked the door open and hurried down the hall toward the auditorium, his wet shoes squeaking against the tiled floor as he scanned the packed room for his family. All the chairs were occupied and it was standing room only. He spotted them in the front row on the left and apologized his way through the crowd.
“You’re late,” his sister Katherine hissed as he took the saved seat next to her.
“Just got off shift an hour ago and had to turn on the lights to make it here in time.” He hadn’t even had time to shower and change out of his uniform for the ceremony honoring his mother’s career on the force, but he’d made it.
“You still on rotating shifts?”
“Yes.”
“Bored stupid yet?”
“As a matter of fact, things have been busy.” Not that he was happy about the recent string of break-ins in town, but in six months as a state trooper he’d answered only domestic-dispute calls, bar fights and busted several teenagers for graffiti. He wasn’t proving himself or moving up the ranks within the force quickly with those kinds of calls.
“Any leads on the break-ins?” Katherine asked as she dialed their younger sister’s cell.
“Not yet. It’s odd. Nothing stolen. Just broken glass to be an annoyance to the store owner. Captain thinks it’s vandals.”
“There’s more to it,” Katherine said.
“Well, if you say so, I guess the head of the department must be mistaken.” His older sister was a homicide detective. She’d seen the worst and was trained to think the worst. It made her good at her job. Terrible at relationships. She once pepper sprayed a blind date who was simply reaching into his pocket for his inhaler when her intense questioning spurred an asthma attack. Unfortunately, her gut was almost always right. About just about everything.
She tucked her shoulder-length blond hair behind her ear as the call continued to ring. “Look, I’m telling you. Keep looking into it.”
Leslie’s face appeared on Katherine’s phone screen, a view of sand, surf and palm trees in the background behind her, ending their conversation. His younger and older sisters could pass for twins they were so much alike. On the outside at least—same blond hair, same blue eyes, same tall, sturdy build. In comparison, Eddie looked like he was adopted into the family with his dark hair and brown eyes. As a kid he often wondered, but as he got older, he recognized the features he shared with his father.
“Hey...has the ceremony started?” Leslie asked.
“Not yet,” Katherine said.
“Where are you?” Eddie leaned closer. Looked like the beach on Santa Monica Pier, but all of those West Coast beaches looked alike to him.
“Can’t say.” Leslie was jogging. He could tell by the way her ponytail swung back and forth and her breathing was controlled and steady. His sister was a firm believer in not wasting a second of time. If she had to be on a FaceTime call to see their mother awarded with the State Trooper Hall of Fame Award, she’d work out while doing it.
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