by Jaclyn Jhin
I called for an Uber and hopped in the black SUV, barely saying hi to the driver. I sat in the back passenger seat, bouncing my knees like a restless five year old. Usually, I felt prepared for any kind of social situation. But for this, I was flying blind. What do you say to the person you wronged—unknowingly—for years?
Fifteen minutes later, the driver turned down the hum from the radio and pulled up to the curb. I scanned the cemetery from behind the fingerprint-stained window, but didn’t see anybody.
“Here’s good. Thank you.” I threw another $20 bill in his direction.
The morning’s furnace blast had begun to wane as the sun climbed higher in the sky, but the heat still made me dizzy, like I was feverish. I had to stop to catch my breath. Ascending the hill just beyond the gated cemetery entrance, I looked around. Patches of brown crabgrass thirsty for water bled into a healthier green carpet the closer I ventured toward tombstones. It had been years since I visited my own father’s grave, and regret filled me as I glanced at so many bouquets wilting on stone markers.
Far from the roar of the city, this place offered comforting silence. I could see no one in any direction, reminding me there were still places even in LA where you could still slip away from it all—even if you had to hide away among the dead. I walked as fast as I could, careful to avoid trespassing on any of the plots. I couldn’t help doing what I always did when it came to cemeteries: study each of the dates listed on the graves. Somehow, these always surprised me, either because of how long the person had been around or how little.
“Beloved mother ... Adored father ... Once met, never forgotten ... More times...” Reading the epitaphs, I tried to imagine how Kelly felt as a teen losing her parents. Did she get any say when it came to the inscriptions? I pictured her coming here, placing her own yellow roses on their graves, filling the silence with her own thoughts, her own fears and worries. I had to choke back my tears.
At last, I saw two specks in the distance. Without another thought, I took off running. Blurred at first, they came into view, and I had to stop. I thought my heart would burst. Kelly held Jack’s little hand as he bent down over a grave to say something.
Then she slowly led him away. They continued in the opposite direction toward a gate on the other side of the sprawling park. Several hundred feet beyond was the street, scattered with meters, parked cars, traffic lights, glowing storefronts. Everything normal and alive.
Ignoring the pain in my legs, I plunged after them. I hadn’t run like this since my accident, and my body just wouldn’t respond like I wanted. If only I could run faster.
“Wait!” I shouted.
My throat burned and my sides ached. I yelled again, but they couldn’t hear me. They were about to leave through the gate.
Wheezing, I threw everything I had into catching up to them. I could hear myself gasping, and every breath felt like I was inhaling fire, but still I kept on.
“Kelly! Kelly!”
I was panting so hard now I could barely get the words out. And still they were so far away. I wasn’t going to make it. They were at the gate now, her hand on the door. They were slipping away.
Then Jack turned and pointed. When Kelly saw me, she brought him closer and went for the gate.
“No. Wait!”
One more surge of energy blasted through me, and I raced ahead. I caught them just outside the barrier where the cemetery met the road. Kelly backed away, her eyes wild with fear.
“Don’t come any closer.”
I had nothing left. I dropped to my knees, scraping them as I hit the hot pavement.
“You ... can’t go.” I panted.
I wanted to say something more, something meaningful but I could barely breathe. Tentative, Jack studied me like I was an alien. He looked unsure, like if I made any wrong move he might bolt.
“I will .... stay right here,” I said, summoning the air to continue. “Begging ... on my knees until you let me explain.”
“Explain? Explain what? That you pretend that you don’t know me? That you left me when I was pregnant and that you said we weren’t right for each other?” Kelly pulled Jack tighter to her chest.
“Kelly, you have no idea how sorry I am for all the pain that I have caused you. But, if you leave, I’ll go wherever you go. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth until you hear what I have to say. I swear it.”
Jack squirmed in her arms. “Mommy, what’s wrong?”
“It’s okay, honey,” she said, leaning down to him, speaking softly.
I tried to match her soothing tone so I wouldn’t frighten him. “Please, please let me talk.”
In spite of everything, it felt so natural to be with her. Didn’t she feel that, too? She took a deep breath but didn’t make a move to leave.
“I ...” I stopped. How do you begin the most important thing you’ll ever say? “The accident ... I had brain damage. Retrograde amnesia. I lost years of memories. Memories my mother filled in for me. But they never added up—”
“Amnesia?” She frowned. “How is that possible? You wrote those emails.”
Jack looked between us, unsure.
“Please, believe me.” I held up both hands in prayer position.
She squinted. I could tell she thought this was ridiculous.
“Today I went to see B.B.,” I said hurriedly, not wanting to lose her. “He wouldn’t tell me much, but that’s when I realized my mother lied to me all those years. Then I found the emails. The ones I never wrote. It wasn’t me, Kelly. It wasn’t me.” I was shaking my head now, barely able to hold the tears back. Please, I’ll do anything to prove it to you.
I heard her inhale sharply.
I took that as a sign I was getting through. It was certainly better than her turning and walking away. “I’m so angry at myself for not remembering. And what she did. It’s just ... evil.”
Her face was a mask. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
“Look.” I dropped my hands and stood up, the pain in my legs excruciating. “I know you’re dating someone ...”
She cocked her head to the side, uncertain how to react.
“I, um ... I’ve seen you together.”
She straightened up. “Who I’m dating is none of your business. I’m none of your business.” She pulled Jack closer. “He’s none of your business. How am I supposed to believe you? Do you know what you did to me? You broke my heart, Ian. You completely, utterly shattered my heart.”
“I cannot tell you how sorry I am, Kelly,” I said as the tears I was trying desperately to hold back started to cascade down my cheeks. “I never meant to hurt you. The moment I saw you at Craig’s home an emptiness that I felt for the last three years was lifted. I knew there was something between us ... but my amnesia was preventing me from knowing. Once I started reading the emails, my memories slowly started coming back, and then when I realized what I have done, I felt sick to my stomach. You have every right to—”
She cut me off. “I still can’t believe anything you’re saying. Your mom has done some mean things, but she wouldn’t be that evil.”
“I know it sounds crazy ... but please believe me. I’m telling you the truth.”
I looked at her: the way her chin quivered, her beautiful dark eyes. In spite of their hardness, there was still vulnerability. She was still the girl I fell in love with another lifetime ago.
I looked down at Jack, as the tears continued to stream down my face. I wanted to scoop him in my arms. I wanted to take him to the park and play tag and make him sandwiches and ask him how preschool was. I wanted to share everything with them, and be there, forever, for both of them. I needed to convince them why I disappeared, why it would never happen again.
“I’ve missed so much,” I said, my voice breaking. I was no longer strong and sturdy. I let myself be an absolute mess as words came tumbling out. “Three years of his life. And he doesn’t even know who I am.”
The rest of the world no longer existed. It could all stop.
Buildings could fall, the ground could split beneath our feet, I wouldn’t care. I bent down again, this time not out of pleading, but because I couldn’t support myself with how violently I was sobbing. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I didn’t know what I would do after this. There were no next steps.
Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my arm. “Deep breaths,” she said in a calm, soothing voice.
I looked up. Tears formed in her own eyes. Her face softened. She gave me a small smile. Jack stood behind her, looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes.
“I would never have hurt you. You know that. It wasn’t me. I had no idea. I want so desperately to make things right,” I said. “If that’s even possible. I understand you can’t forgive me now, but all I ask is for a chance. Just one chance to start over.”
Kelly brought Jack closer to us. Her shoulders drooped, and it was as if something broke in her, too. Suddenly she threw her arms around me, sobbing.
“Ian, Ian, I’ve missed you so much,” said Kelly with her head against my head crying uncontrollably. I embraced her back, falling into her.
I squeezed her harder, never wanting to let go.
As she wiped her tears away, she looked up at me and asked coyly, “But what makes you think I would say yes?”
The sun hid behind a large oak tree, casting a shadow on her face. I cleared my throat. A memory came to me. “You told me once your dad sang a song to your mom when she said no.” I knelt down. “Just what makes that little old ant/Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant...”
My voice was ragged and off key, but when I was done, Jack clapped. Kelly couldn’t help but giggle and put a hand over her mouth.
“You know, you knelt like that the first time you begged me to go out with you.”
I tried to suppress a smile, singing louder. “High apple pie in the sky hopes...”
When I was done, she said nothing for a long moment. Then she reached beneath her shirt, revealing a necklace. In the middle, was a familiar-looking ring.
“You kept it?”
She nodded shyly.
“He’s got high hopes!”
I turned. Jack was singing the rest of the song in his own high-pitched voice. I crouched down to him. He stretched his little arms out to me. I glanced up at Kelly.
“It’s okay,” she whispered.
I wrapped him in a hug, letting the tears run down my face.
“Why’re you crying?” he asked.
I couldn’t talk. Kelly joined us, throwing her arms around me. Taking a wild chance, I kissed her. It was soft and beautiful, and when I was done, I found myself kissing every part of her face. Jack was laughing, but I couldn’t stop kissing her.
We squeezed into another group hug as the tears kept falling. A lifetime later, we walked away together, holding on to each other, supporting each other as a family. Together at last.