by Lily Morton
“What the fuck?” I say slowly. “What place?”
He shakes his head. “You’re not stupid, Jude, no matter how you behave. I mean my place by Asa’s side. You’ve kept it warm.” He looks me up and down. “But now I’m back, and it’s past time for you to fuck off.”
I make a show of looking around. “I’m sorry. Have I strayed into an episode of The Twilight Zone, or have I passed out and hit my fucking head? In what universe would you be with Asa? He’s with me.” My rage is bubbling up and leaking out, but worry has been added to the mix. He’s too calm and sure.
He looks at me pityingly. “Jude, you’re a nice enough bloke.”
“Goodness,” I say lightly. “You should consider a career in positive reinforcement when your acting career crashes and burns due to your complete lack of talent.”
For a second anger flares, but he shutters it. “There’s no need to be rude, but I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re so young.”
“What the fuck? I’m twenty-nine, not nine.” I sigh dramatically. “Get to the point, Grandad.”
“That’s my point, Jude.” His patient smile indicates I’ve made a misstep. “You just called me Grandad, and I’m the same age as Asa.”
“Asa is just Asa to me. I don’t look at his age, and he doesn’t look at mine.”
He shakes his head. “Are you sure about that? What can you really offer him, Jude? He’s forty-five with a kid and a very successful career. You’ve just come out of uni.”
“It was a second degree,” I say slowly. “I did have a successful career in between that and the first one. I haven’t just been sitting around for years, eating Pot Noodles and watching This Morning.”
“Yes, you were modelling underwear. It’s not exactly something that requires brainpower,” he says patronisingly.
“I wouldn’t mock,” I say sharply. “That underwear was engineered to somehow miraculously make men’s packages look bigger.” I flick a glance at his crotch. “I’ll buy you a pair.”
Rage flares. “I don’t need any help. I’ve never had any unsatisfied partners.” He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. “Asa never complained.”
For a second, the noise and bustle seem to stop, instantly muted, and then it all roars back in. “What the fuck did you just say?” I hiss.
“I’m just saying that Asa needs more than a tight arse and a pretty face. He needs someone with a brain, someone to talk to about his work who will understand.”
“And how do you fucking know what Asa needs?” I ask sharply. “You who knew him casually years ago. How the fuck do you know anything about him?”
He sits back, a satisfied smile crossing his face, and I know we’re at the heart of what he wanted to say. “Because Asa and I were lovers,” he says clearly. “We were lovers for two years. We only split up because I wouldn’t come out. He begged me to, but I couldn’t do it.” He leans forward. “But that’s not in our way anymore. I’m out and proud, and I’m back for him.”
I rear back, unable to speak for a second, and he takes the opportunity to pat me consolingly on the head and then saunters off to the bar.
I watch him as he nears Asa. He slings his arm around his shoulders and joins in the conversation with the barmaid. It’s a slight consolation that Asa shrugs his arm off him immediately, but it can’t stop the thoughts flying around in my head like black crows.
Hayden could be lying, but I know he isn’t. His words had too much solid truth bolstering them. So why the fuck didn’t Asa tell me? He’s let me talk to Hayden all these months and never let me in on that tiny little fact. He’s made me look like a complete idiot, like a child excluded from the adult world.
The omission is what guts me most. I thought we told each other everything. It’s what keeps our relationship strong. It’s why I’ve always trusted him, even when we were away from each other. I know everything about Phillip, his ex, and he’s told me about other partners, but he never once mentioned Hayden. Why?
My heart twists. Maybe he’s secretly been missing Hayden? Relationships that end like that can hurt and leave a lot of unresolved feelings. Have they been getting those feelings out of their systems alone while they’re in Ireland, or are they planning to get together? I have a sudden image of the two of them with each other, and I flinch. They’d look good together. Light and dark, like a fine-art print.
My thoughts are hazy from the drink, and I feel rage and hurt roiling through me, sitting on my stomach like greasy oil on water, and suddenly I can’t bear to be here anymore. I grab my jacket and walk out of the bar. My instinct is to talk to someone about this, but, of course, Asa is always my first option when I need to talk something through.
The cold air hits me like a slap, and I zip my jacket up and walk away. I’ve only taken a few steps when I hear someone drawl, “Jude Bailey. Is that you?”
Asa
I smile my thanks at the barmaid as she hands me my change, and pass some of the drinks to Jim. “You take those,” I say. “We’ll bring the rest.”
He shoots an unpleasant look at Hayden and hesitates. It’s written all over his face what he thinks, and I wonder how I’ve missed all of this: Jim’s dissatisfaction and Jude’s concerned jealousy. I must be as blind as a fucking bat. But not anymore. Now I know, things will change.
I spoke to Hayden earlier about the lie over the phone call. He explained it lightheartedly, almost as if it had been a joke. But he was too glib, and uneasiness twists my insides. I hate this. I’m a simple man. I want to be with Jude and Billy, I want my friends around me, and I want to act. I look sideways at a man I’ve known for so many years – a man whose bed I shared many times. I shake my head. He’s my friend, and I’m not convinced that he’s doing this to get me back, but if it comes down to it, and he makes trouble between Jude and me, then he’s out. I shake my head at the silly notion. It’s just Jude being jealous.
Thinking of my man, I turn to the table and come up short when I see his empty chair. My gaze tracks the dance floor, expecting to see him out there with the crew, making them laugh. He’s so funny and quick and warm that he’s usually surrounded by people. My brow furrows when I can’t see him, and then I shrug. Maybe he nipped to the loo.
I grab some of the glasses and motion to Hayden to give me a hand. He smiles easily and follows me obediently, but something in that smile looks a bit smug. I glance back at him, and it’s gone. He’s just his old easy-going self.
I dump the drinks on the table and look around. Connor is walking towards me, and I smile. “Have you seen Jude?” I startle as he grabs my arm and pulls me away from Hayden.
Connor shoots him a fulminating glare and then looks up at me. “He’s gone.”
“Who’s gone? Jude?” I ask stupidly. He nods. “Where?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Hayden was talking to him for a while. It didn’t look particularly friendly, and then Jude grabbed his jacket and walked out.”
I run my hands through my hair agitatedly, knocking strands out of the knot. “But why?”
“Listen, Asa, I’m not trying to tell you your business, but I like you and Jude very much. You’re a fantastic couple, and you give me hope that I can have that too.” I nod dumbly, and he leans in. “That’s why I’m telling you to watch Hayden. He’s a fucking liar, mate. He’s after you, and he’s playing you. I don’t know what you were once, but it’s pretty fucking obvious that you’re not into him now.” He pauses. “The trouble is, the way he behaves, that fact isn’t obvious to Jude. I don’t know what he said, but it looked like a heated conversation. I think you’d better get off and find your man.”
I nod again and smile a weak thanks as he pats my arm and goes back to the dance floor. I stare unseeingly at the table before rage kindles and I move towards Hayden.
He looks up, smiling. “Alright? Where’s Jude? Is it his bedtime?” He snorts. “Never mind, I’m sure you’ll help with his homework. He looks like he might need it.”
This isn’t the
first remark he’s made like this about Jude’s age and intelligence, but I’d written it off as the sort of banter that’s rife on film sets. Now my eyes narrow because I see the meanness in his mouth and eyes that I’ve missed before. I grab his arm and tug him after me as I make for the door.
Once we’re outside, I push him against the wall. “Talk.”
He stares at me intently. His eyes are black, and he looks at my lips fixedly.
Shit. Jude was right. I groan and push away from him. “What have you done?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you say to Jude?” Dread is curdling in my stomach.
He shrugs, leaning back against the wall. “I just told him some facts.”
The dread chills to ice. “You told him about us, didn’t you?”
Hayden smiles. “Of course. I was surprised you hadn’t told him, to be honest.” I flinch because that’s on me. He stares at me. “He needed to know anyway.”
“Why?” I say hoarsely. “Why did he have to know?”
His head shoots up. “Because he needs to move on and leave us together.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” In my agitation, I run my hands through my hair, and it falls loose. “There is no us. The only us is Jude and me.”
Before I can say anything, he shoots off the wall and grabs me, pushing me against the wall and crowding me in. My reflexes are dulled by drink, and it takes me a second to work out what’s happening. Unfortunately, it’s enough time for him to kiss me. He groans as our lips touch, and his tongue licks across my lips. Then I come to my senses and shove him back with all my strength. He falls back and bounces off a picnic table like he’s in a pinball machine. I wish the lights would go off and he’d disappear, but that’s not going to happen.
I scrub my hand over my mouth. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I ask hoarsely. “What the hell gives you the right to touch me, you fucking moron?”
He laughs in a startled way. “Come on, Asa, there’s no need to hide it anymore. I know you still have feelings for me. We were good together. We could be again, now that Jude’s probably back at the hotel packing.”
A shudder runs through me. Surely Jude isn’t leaving me. Doubt kindles. He’s probably angry enough to leave. After all, I’ve done a fucking stellar job of pushing him away so far – letting Jim pick him up, sitting in a bar with Hayden rather than being with him. I shiver. Not telling him the truth. That’s Jude’s red line. He likes the unvarnished truth, and has a mortal fear of lies, claiming they ruin relationships. What have I done?
Worry turns to rage, and I glare at Hayden. “You did this,” I say harshly. “Jude warned me, but because you were a friend, I thought he was overdoing it. But he was right, you fucking wanker. If you’ve damaged Jude and me, you’d better hide well, because I’ll make you regret it.”
He shakes his head, that fucking smug smile still on his lips. “Come off it, Asa. It’s just us here. Admit it. You still have feelings for me. They’ve never gone away. I know I fucked us up by not coming out when you wanted, but I’m here now. It’s our turn.”
“This is like The Twilight Zone, you fuckwit. You seem to think we had one of those great tragic love stories, when in fact we were just friends that fucked.” I shake my head. “You weren’t the only one at that time, and you knew it. So in between the men and women, when exactly did you have time to ruin my fucking life?” I scoff. “When you finished it, I didn’t feel anything but a vague relief that we could go back to being friends.” I shrug. “We weren’t even good in that department. I didn’t miss you while you were gone, and I won’t miss you when you go again.” I feel regret that we’re doing this, but he’s tried to force a rift between me and my person. The man who’s my real best friend.
“I won’t go again,” he snarls. “We’re meant for each other.”
“No. Jude and I are meant to be together. He’s my best friend, and if he leaves, the sorrow I’ll feel will be like a tsunami compared to the trickle I felt when you went.” I look sadly at him. “Fuck off, Hayden. We were friends a long time ago, but now you’re nothing to me.”
“Asa,” he says pleadingly, but I’m done, and I move past him and stride down the street.
I have to find Jude. I’ll grab a taxi, and hopefully, I can get to the hotel in time to stop him leaving. Pain spasms in my gut at the thought of losing him. As I look frantically up and down the street for a taxi, I hear a familiar husky laugh.
I turn slowly and then stare in disbelief. The love of my life is hanging on the arm of a strange man as they meander down the street together. What the fuck?
Jude
The call from behind me startles me, and I pause and turn, only to groan as I see a huge blast from my past. “Malachi,” I say resignedly. “How are you?”
The tall, slender model waltzes up to me and gives me a close hug, taking the opportunity to grab my arse as he does it.
I jump about a foot in the air. “Jesus, Malachi, have you ever heard about personal space?”
He smiles evilly. “Sounds like a brothel.” He looks me up and down. “How are you, babe? Heard you were living in some commune down south.”
“It’s not a commune,” I say, laughing.
He looks closely at my face. “Wherever it is, it’s obviously somewhere you can’t buy moisturiser.”
I shake my head. “You sound like Dean.”
Malachi shudders delicately. “Fuck, there’s no need to be bitchy, Jude.”
I smile at him. He’s stunningly pretty with dark wavy hair that falls to his waist and full, pouty lips. He looks as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth which completely belies what an absolute bitch he can be. It’s a trap that’s ensnared photographers and booking agents all over the world. He’s a supermodel and pulls far more money than I ever did, but his reputation for bad behaviour is as big as his bank balance.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
He makes a moue of distaste. “I had a shoot in some library at Trinity College.”
“Oh my God, did you see the Book of Kells?”
He grimaces. “How the fuck would I know? All those books look the same to me.”
“It’s a very old manuscript,” I begin to say and then give up. “I’m so jealous. I’ve always wanted to go there.”
“Of course you have. You and your books.”
“I happen to like books.”
“I like Walkers salt and vinegar crisps but I don’t want to stand in a room full of them.”
“It’s not the same,” I say patiently.
He just shrugs, his body a symphony of studied movement. He never understood my passion for reading and in all the time I knew him I never saw him pick up a book. I met him on a shoot in Bulgaria and we’d struck up a sort of friendship as we seemed to be booked on a lot of shoots since the photographers liked the differences in our looks. We’d eventually fallen into bed while on a job in Cape Town and a few times afterwards if we were both at a loose end.
The fucking had been memorable for the way he could contort his body into incredible positions. However, it was spoilt the moment he opened his mouth afterwards. He’s incredibly bitchy, and for a while it was funny, but then it just became too mean-spirited for me. We drifted apart, and I still count him as a sort of friend, only one that would shred you if he got the chance to be funny. It’s rather like being friends with a tiger – beautiful but savage.
He grabs the lapels of my coat and tugs me closer. “I’m here for a few more days. I missed your arse, Jude. My hotel room’s about ten minutes away. Fancy coming back?”
I shake my head, not at all tempted. “No, I don’t.”
He pouts. “Oh yes, I did hear of you going all bucolic and shit and finding yourself a nice sugar daddy.”
“Malachi,” I warn, pulling away from him. “Don’t start this shit. Asa’s not my fucking daddy.”
He makes a moue of displeasure. “Yes, he’s an actor, isn’t he?” He pau
ses. “With very wild hair.” He shudders. “He’s huge too. Looks like he might be appallingly energetic.”
I think of Asa’s energy when it’s put to the correct use. “I wouldn’t say appalling.”
“Well, you’re bound to say that, darling. You obviously think you’re in love with the ageing father figure.”
“Okay, I’m going.” I turn and go to walk away, but he grabs my arm.
“I’m sorry,” he says, laughing. “Come for a drink. I miss you. There’s no one I can talk to like you.”
“Is that because you’ve managed to offend everyone else?”
He shrugs. “Can I help it if everyone is so sensitive nowadays?”
I shake my head. “I’m going back to my hotel.”
“Oh, don’t be such a fucking party pooper. I know people in your place of the world go to bed when it gets dark so they don’t use all the candles, but this is the city. We can party all night.”
I think of Asa and Hayden, and it washes over me like a wave that he lied to me. I hesitate, and like a predator, Malachi seizes on it.
“Yes, come on. We’ll find a club, and you can let me grind on you until I shoot my load.” I shake my head. I’d forgotten he was like this. Sex is almost like a spectator sport for him and doing it in public never bothered him. He nods enthusiastically and starts to steer me down the street. “It’s the least you can do, Jude, but we’ll do it with your back to me so I can’t see the split ends. Does Devon not have conditioner and hair masks?”
“Fuck off.” I smile almost helplessly, because he still has all the old charm. “Okay, we’ll go for a drink, but no club and definitely no rubbing one off on me.”
“Spoilsport,” he chides, and I break into a reluctant chuckle. The next second I stiffen as I hear “Jude!” being shouted in a familiar voice.
I start to move Malachi along hurriedly, but he doesn’t cooperate, craning his neck around to look behind us.
“Goodness,” he says faintly. “There’s a big man with very biblical hair coming towards us.”