Heart Failure

by Chris Zett

  “Snack? That’s a great idea. And I need to drink something too. Is there somewhere we can…you know…get rid of our drinks later?” Jess’s head hung down, and she looked anywhere but at Lena.

  Lena wrinkled her brow. What did she mean? Oh! “There’s an old outhouse that’s still fairly okay. But I usually just wait until I’m back home.”

  “That’s what I would have done last year. But these fucking meds don’t allow me the luxury anymore. I feel like an old woman, always on the lookout for the next bathroom.” Jess grimaced.

  Now that she knew her a little better, Lena recognized the embarrassment in Jess’s voice, even though the tone was snarky. “I guess that’s annoying. At least they help, right?”

  “Yeah.” Jess sighed. “I guess they do. Last month I wouldn’t have been any help out here. Carrying a couple of apples would have been too hard, never mind a bucket full.” She hefted her bucket and stalked toward the car.

  Lena pointed out the location of the outhouse, and Jess handed over her bucket and took a detour. She returned after Lena had stowed the apples in the trunk.

  Lena fetched the cooler from the back. “Could you grab the blanket? We can have a picnic.”

  “Great idea. How far is the river you mentioned?” Jess rinsed her hands with disinfectant, then picked up the large woolen blanket with one arm and closed the car with the other.

  “At least a thirty-minute walk downhill. Uphill takes even longer.” Lena tried to keep the question from her voice. Would Jess be able to make it?

  Jess sighed. “Too far for me.”

  “I know a closer place where we’ll have a great view of the water.” Lena led them back to the orchard. “You said your medication was working but did your heart improve? You look much better than a few weeks ago.”

  “Thanks.” Jess snorted. “Better doesn’t mean good.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t want to imply you didn’t look good.” Lena winked. “Who knew that you were so vain?”

  “Touché.” Jess laughed. “Do you want to picnic at the apple trees?”

  “No, over here.” The apple trees reminded her too much of Jess’s soft curves under her and Jess’s scent all around her. No, the other side of the orchard was much safer.

  They reached a part where huge cherry trees bordered on what used to be a meadow that swept downhill until it reached the river. Lena sat in the shade of an older tree that barely produced anymore. She placed the cooler next to her but didn’t unpack it. Her concern for Jess tied her stomach into knots. “Are you worried?”

  “Worried?” Jess looked at anything but her.

  Lena waited. She wouldn’t dig if Jess didn’t want to talk.

  With a sigh, Jess pulled one knee up to her chest and hugged it with both arms. “Yeah. Of so many things.”

  “Tell me?” Lena shifted to sit cross-legged. One knee brushed against Jess’s leg, and the warmth was comforting. Hopefully for Jess too.

  “If my heart hasn’t improved, I know all the terrible things that can happen. And not just theoretically, from a book or the internet, I’ve seen them at work more times than I can count.” Jess ran one hand through her hair. “I want to stay strong and positive for Ella, for Mom, but it’s hard. I tried but can’t shut off my inner doctor.”

  “You don’t need to be strong now.” Lena’s instinct was to hug her, but she wasn’t sure it would be welcome.

  “Yeah, I do. I’m afraid if I just give in a little, all that anxiety and anger will burst out, and I’ll lose control.” Jess stared down at the river for a few minutes. “My world collapsed a couple of months ago, and I have no idea if I’m strong enough to rebuild it.”

  “I think you are. And you have your mom to support you.” Lena swallowed. “And me.” A couple of weeks ago she wouldn’t have said it, but she did mean it.

  “Thank you. Could we talk about something else?” Jess let go of her knee and stretched her leg out.

  It came to rest next to Lena’s leg. She didn’t retreat, because that’s what friends did, right? Sitting with their legs touching. “Of course. What are you thinking of?”

  “Food.” Jess pointed at the cooler and grinned. “You promised to feed me.”

  Lena accepted the change of topic and unpacked the cooler. She took out two refillable water bottles and the snacks. She unwrapped the beeswax papers. “What sandwich would you like? I have Swiss cheese with apple-cranberry chutney or feta with tomato-walnut pesto. The carrots and cucumber sticks are for the guacamole.” Lena unscrewed the lid of the glass container she’d stored the dip in.

  “Wow. When you said you’d bring something to eat, I thought you meant some muesli bars or plain sandwiches. Um…can we share? I’d like to try both spreads.”

  “Sure.” Lena waited until Jess had taken a piece, then took the other half of the sandwich.

  Jess moaned after the first bite. She chewed with her eyes closed. After she’d swallowed, she opened them again and gazed at Lena. “Wow. I know I’m repeating myself, but I can’t adequately describe how delicious this is. Where did you get the chutney?”

  The compliment made her grin. “Thank you. I made it.”

  Jess picked up a couple of carrot sticks and offered one to Lena. “Okay. I take it back. You can have some carrot sticks, and I’ll take all the sandwiches.”

  Laughing, Lena dipped hers into the avocado dip. “Can I maybe bribe you with the promise of a jar of chutney at home?”

  “Mmh…” Jess rubbed her chin and pretended to think hard. “Delayed gratification. I’m not so sure I’m into that.”

  “Maybe you didn’t have the right motivation until now.” Lena bit her lip. Oops, she hadn’t meant to lower her voice quite like that. It had slipped out before she could censor herself.

  Jess held Lena’s gaze for a few heartbeats, then took her time to choose a piece of cucumber.

  Oh shit. Lena didn’t want to lead Jess on. Flirting wasn’t fair when she wasn’t available for anything more. She had neither time nor emotional strength for romance at the moment. Awkward silence hung between them as she searched for a neutral topic to redirect the conversation, but Jess beat her to it.

  She rubbed her finger over the beeswax wrapping, then smelled it. “Is this wax? On fabric? Is it washable?”

  Lena leaned back against the tree and stretched her legs. “Sure, you can use water or a mild soap if you need it. You can reuse it for a long time. A friend of mine made them in exchange for some preserves.”

  “That’s cool. You seem to have a friend for everything. How come they’re never at your house?” Jess tilted her head and nibbled on a carrot stick.

  “I don’t have really close friends, more a loose circle of like-minded people who exchange products and favors. If you work at the farmers market long enough, you get to know a lot of wonderful people. But I don’t have time to hang out with them.”

  “And dating? Do you have time for that?” Jess’s tone and expression were neutral, but her eyes held an intensity that excited and frightened Lena at the same time.

  Was Jess asking if she was available? Or was this a general question, small talk between new friends? Either way, the answer was the same. “I don’t have time for dating between all of my jobs. When I was younger, I tried the casual dating, friends-with-benefits thing a few times, but…I’m not good at keeping things casual. It’s easier to just not date.”

  Jess’s eyes widened slightly, but Lena didn’t know her well enough to guess what that meant.

  With a sigh, Lena took the easy way out and ended the eye contact. She picked up half of the other sandwich and for the next few minutes, concentrated on chewing.

  After they finished lunch, Jess stretched out next to her, folded her arms beneath her head, and closed her eyes. She yawned. “I’m not at all motivated to pick blackberries next. You never mentioned blackberries when
you asked me to drive you.” A slight smile around her lips belied her grumpy tone.

  “I asked you?” Lena plucked a blade of grass and tickled Jess’s nose. “I remember a completely different conversation. You begged me to let you drive me.”

  Jess rubbed her nose and opened her eyes. When she saw the grass, she caught it with her hand. “Hey! I’m old and sick. I need my rest.” She closed her eyes again.

  Lena studied Jess’s face to see how serious the remark was. Fine lines around her eyes showed the few years she had on Lena, but the ever-present dark shadows from the first weeks of their acquaintance were gone. Her initial paleness had turned to a light gold complexion that seemed much healthier than even last week. Jess looked great now, and during their daily tai chi sessions and evening walks she hadn’t seemed out of breath, but it wasn’t Lena’s place to judge how she felt. When in doubt, ask a question. Or five. Her grandma’s motto had always proven to be helpful.

  “How are you really feeling? Do you want to sit it out? I can handle the rest on my own. That’s what I would have done anyway if my car was working.” Lena smiled when Jess’s eyes flew open.

  “No, I was just joking.” Jess sat up and flicked the blade of grass away. “Let’s pack this up, and I won’t stop working until all the blackberries are picked.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Laughing, Lena stowed her wrappers and the nearly empty guacamole container in the cooler and stood. “But seriously, thank you. Blackberries are the most important part of our excursion today. Without them, I can’t make my preserves tomorrow and I’ll have nothing to sell.”

  “Don’t mention it. I love picking blackberries.” Jess shook out the blanket and folded it neatly over her arm. “As long as I can eat some of them.”

  At the car, they exchanged the picnic stuff for some smaller buckets, then Lena led Jess around the house to the edge of the property where blackberries had taken over the length of what had been a nice fence years or probably decades ago.

  Only as they got closer, it didn’t look at all like a healthy growth. Most leaves were brown, and the branches were a lifeless gray and shriveled in some places, broken in others. And the blackberries were tiny remnants, hard and dry, nothing like the big, juicy fruits she remembered from last year.

  Lena touched one of the leaves, and it crumbled like the plans she’d had. Tears burned in her eyes. She wanted to curse, to cry, to fling the bucket into the damned tangle of branches. She clutched the bucket harder to ward off the impulse.

  Take a deep breath. Focus on the positive.

  But as much as she tried, she couldn’t find even the tiniest ray of sunshine in the bleak storm her life had developed into.

  “What the fuck?” In a move that surprised no one, Jess showed no restraint and kicked a branch. “Hey! Some idiot has cut the roots.”

  “Oh. The neighbors must have done it.” Maybe that was the positive side of this. Someone else was getting their fence back. It wasn’t so easy to feel happy for them when unpaid bills were stacking up and she needed the blackberries to replenish her preserves or she would be sold out soon.

  “Is there another place we can get them here?” Jess rose and brushed dried leaves and dirt from her jeans.

  “No. It’s all private property. Let’s go home, and I’ll think of something. Make a few calls.” But she didn’t move. She couldn’t yet.

  Jess stopped to rub a stain above her knee, then walked over to Lena. Her eyes reflected the clear azure sky and held a rare warmth. Tentatively, she put her arm around Lena’s shoulder as if she expected resistance. “We’ll find you some other blackberries. They grow like weeds. The whole state must be full of them.”

  Lena leaned against her, allowing herself to soak up the solid strength for a moment. She didn’t need Jess’s support; since she’d been a teenager, she had learned to rely on herself and her own resourcefulness. But it felt good. If only for a moment, she’d relish the feeling of having someone on her side.

  Just as they were about to cross Lake Washington, Jess’s phone rang through the speakers of her car. Lena hadn’t even seen her hook up the phone, but she guessed a fancy car like that had Bluetooth.

  Jess never even took her eyes off the road as she pushed a button on the steering wheel to accept the call. “Riley.”

  “Hi, it’s Diana. Sorry to bother you when you’re on sick leave, but I saw a patient who had a note in her file to call you anytime she’s admitted.” Diana’s voice was different from the last time they’d met at Cashew Cult, more serious, more professional.

  Lena glanced out of the side window, wanting to give Jess the illusion of privacy. Gray clouds covered the sun, but it didn’t seem to deter the boats out on the water, enjoying the afternoon.

  “That’s okay. Who is it?”

  “Alberta Jameson.”

  “Oh.”

  That one syllable carried so much emotion that Lena had to look at Jess. She’d paled, and her right hand clutched the wheel with white knuckles.

  “She’s eighty-four, has a history of congestive heart failure due to aortic stenosis, and—”

  “I know.” Jess interrupted with an impatient gesture as if they were speaking face to face. “Why is Mrs. Jameson in the ED?”

  “She was out of breath in the supermarket, collapsed, and they called an ambulance. She’s…” Diana let out a sigh. “Her heart failure is decompensated, and she has pulmonary edema. She’s refusing intubation or intensive care treatment. She’s a little better now with diuretics and morphine, but I called her daughter to come and see her. I’m not very optimistic.”

  “Her daughter lives in Portland. It’ll take a while. I’m coming over.” A muscle in Jess’s jaw twitched.

  “You don’t need to. I’ve got everything covered. I just wanted to let you know.”

  “That’s not why I’m coming. I’m not far—maybe ten, fifteen minutes.” She quickly looked over her shoulder, then accelerated and changed lanes.

  “Okay. See you soon.” Diana hung up.

  The speaker crackled with static for a few seconds before the Bluetooth realized nothing further was coming.

  “Are you okay?” Lena had no idea who Mrs. Jameson was, but she obviously meant a lot to Jess.

  Jess kept her gaze glued to the road. Her jaws worked, but she didn’t say anything. They were going faster and faster.

  “Jess?”

  Seventy. Seventy-five. Lena grabbed the handle of the door. A sign for a park and ride appeared like an oasis. “Jess. Get off the highway here. Now!”

  That seemed to break through her trance. “What? No. I don’t have time to stop.”

  “We’re not stopping for long. Just to change seats. I’ll drive.” Lena put all the authority she didn’t feel into her voice. “Think of Ella.”

  That seemed to do the trick. Jess decelerated to a reasonable speed and signaled to get off the highway. At the first opportunity, she stopped the car, jumped out, and stalked around the front.

  Lena met her halfway. “Thank you for letting me drive.”

  “Please hurry.” Jess nodded once and pressed her lips together.

  The SUV drove smoothly, with much more power under the hood than either Lena’s old Ford or Maggie’s cute Prius. Lena remembered the general location of the hospital from her last visit, but she wanted to make sure she was driving the best route. “Will you tell me where to get off the highway?”

  “Yeah. I have staff parking, so we don’t need to look for a free space.” Jess’s voice was clipped.

  Lena didn’t dare to look at her as she concentrated on driving. “Do you want to tell me about Mrs. Jameson?”

  “She’s the unofficial helper, motivational speaker, and cookie supplier to the team at the free clinic. All the staff and the patients love her; she has a way of setting everyone at ease.”

 
“She sounds like a wonderful person.” Lena took the exit to merge onto I-5 North. “Have you known her for long?”

  “Three years or so. She was my first patient at the free clinic, and I might have been a bit nervous.” Jess chuckled. “It was her first time too, and we kind of bonded over it. Afterward, she always insisted on coming when I was there.” Jess hit her thigh with her fist. “Oh fuck!”

  “What?” Lena had wanted to distract Jess with her questions, not distress her even more.

  “I haven’t been at the clinic for weeks. She was doing so good when I last saw her a couple of months ago. What if she didn’t see anyone and has been waiting for me to return?” Jess groaned. “I let her down.”

  “You can’t know that.” Lena risked taking one hand off the wheel to squeeze Jess’s thigh. The muscles were like steel. “From what you told me about her, it seems as if she has a great relationship with everyone at the clinic. Don’t you think someone would have noticed if she wasn’t okay?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.” Jess exhaled.

  “What is this free clinic anyway? Is this part of your job at the hospital?” Lena asked to keep Jess talking.

  “No, the hospital has nothing to do with it. It’s for people who have neither insurance nor any other means but need regular treatment. They offer everything you need for basic care. Medical appointments with doctors and PAs, nurses who do outpatient visits, physiotherapy treatments. I know some people from my hospital who volunteer their time, but most work somewhere else. And we have several retired or disabled staff, especially former military. They couldn’t work full-time anywhere else but fill in a few hours at the clinic when they’re able to.”

  Lena wouldn’t have expected to see Jess in such a setting, but maybe she had underestimated her. “How often do you go?”

  “Depends on my schedule. Once or twice a month.” Jess pointed to a sign. “Take the next exit. We’re almost at the hospital.”