by Chris Zett
“Stop it!” Lena put her glass on the table so fast the wine nearly spilled over and jumped up. She stepped closer into Jess’s personal space. Her eyes burned with fierce determination as her gaze swept all over Jess, then she cupped Jess’s face and bent down to kiss her.
Before Jess could lean into the kiss, it was already over.
Lena drew back to look into her eyes but kept her hands in Jess’s hair.
This assertiveness was new and totally hot. Jess licked her lips.
“You have a lot to give, and money is the least interesting part of you.” Lena’s hands tensed slightly. “I’m constantly fighting the feeling that I’m not worthy, that emotional attachment is always temporary and conditional, and that everyone will leave me as soon as I open up. But I don’t want to fight this fight anymore.”
“We both fear the same things.”
“Yes. We’re both afraid of rejection.” Lena massaged Jess’s scalp.
Her scent enveloped Jess, and she fought to keep her eyes open. She wanted to sink into Lena’s embrace and let go. But it was important Lena dictated the pace.
Lena kissed her lightly on the mouth. “Do you want to be courageous together?”
“Yes.” Jess kissed her back. “Yes, yes, yes.” It was only a chaste and short meeting of their lips, but it was filled with reassurance and the promise of tomorrow.
Lena gave the desk chair on her porch a fond pat on her way back inside after her morning workout. Last night, the oversized chair had been worth every hour she’d spent sanding and painting the wood. It had proven to not only be sturdy but surprisingly comfortable for two people sitting on each other’s laps and making out for hours.
Jess had eventually gone back to her room after they’d agreed to slow things down a bit. This bright idea had led to a sleep-deprived night. She’d missed Jess.
At least Jess had looked as tired as Lena was this morning when she’d joined her for tai chi. But after ten minutes, Ella’s crying through the baby monitor had shattered the serene atmosphere, and Jess had left to take care of her. She had promised to make breakfast for them and was probably already waiting on Maggie’s patio.
Lena showered as quick as possible. As it was shaping up to be another warm October day, Lena dressed in layers. The tank top closest to her skin was silk, and even with a loose shirt over it, she felt sexy. How would it feel if Jess sank her hands underneath the shirt and caressed her skin through the silk? Lena groaned. Why had they decided to go their separate ways last evening? She couldn’t come up with one good reason.
She slipped on her sandals and flew up the path to the main house.
As promised, Jess waited on the patio with breakfast for two. Ella’s stroller stood to the side, but no sound came from it.
With a big smile, Jess stood and opened her arms.
Lena hugged her and sighed against her shoulder. So much better than how they’d interacted last week. She tilted her head for a kiss.
Jess’s lips were as soft and tender as last night, but instead of rich wine, she tasted of peppers, tomatoes, and new beginnings.
After a while, they separated, and Lena looked in Ella’s direction. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. She was hungry. Speaking of hungry… Are you up for an omelet?”
“I’m starving.”
“Take a seat and have some tea. I’ll be right back.”
Instead of sitting, Lena wandered over to Ella and peered inside the stroller. She was sleeping, so Lena resisted the urge to cuddle and enjoyed the view from a distance. Ella’s hands opened and closed, and her eyes moved behind closed lids. Maybe she was dreaming. Different emotions flickered over her expression, none recognizable.
Jess returned and placed a covered pan on the table. As she opened it, the aroma of vegetables, cheese, and herbs wafted over.
Her grumbling stomach told Lena to hurry to the table and sit. “That smells amazing.”
“I got everything from the garden except the eggs and cheese, of course. I’d never have thought fresh vegetables could make such a difference.” Jess cut the omelet and placed a generous portion on Lena’s plate. “Do you need anything else?”
“Mmh, no. Thanks. Where’s Maggie?”
“It’s a friend’s birthday, and she invited a big group for breakfast. Mom went early to help her prepare.”
They both dug in, and Lena moaned. The texture and seasoning were perfect. “You’re a good cook.”
“Um, no. Only weekend breakfast. I learned that from my dad.” Jess glanced over her shoulder at Ella. “But I guess I’ll have to learn the rest soon.”
“Are you planning on cooking everything yourself?” Lena couldn’t imagine Jess spending hours in the kitchen every day.
“God, no. I grew up with my share of takeout and precooked meals and didn’t turn out too bad. When I was little, my mom didn’t have time to cook everything from scratch every day, and Dad always came home late. But I think it’s all about the balance.”
“True. Grandma insisted on homemade cooking, and I always tried to find excuses to go to my best friend’s house when they had pizza or Chinese. I think you’ve still got a little time to see what’ll work for you. At the moment, she’s only interested in one kind of food.”
Jess laughed. “My luck. Was she awake just now?”
“No, dreaming. I love how her face twitches.” Lena had to smile. “I wonder what she dreams about.”
“Milk?” Jess shrugged. “That’s the most important part of the day for her.”
“Or maybe she’s dreaming about you? You’re very important too.”
Jess’s expression softened, and she blushed. “Maybe.”
That blush went right to Lena’s heart. “What are you dreaming about?”
“You mean at night?” Jess waggled her eyebrows. “Is this a kind of trick question to find out if I dreamed of you? Did you dream of me?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know…?” As much as Lena liked the banter between them, she wanted to use the chance to deepen their relationship. “My question was more in general. What are your dreams about your future?”
“Mmh.” Jess cut a piece of omelet and chewed. Her gaze was on the plate, but Lena would bet her pencil roll she wasn’t really seeing her food. “My plans are changing all the time. They aren’t the same as last year or even last month. I’m not sure what my future will hold.”
“But what would you want for your future? What are your big dreams?”
“I already have most of what I wanted: my dream job, a big condo in the city, a healthy kid. That’s how I envisioned my future when I was a senior in high school, and I planned my life accordingly.”
“And is it enough?” Lena smiled and lightly squeezed Jess’s arm when she tensed. “I don’t want to be contrary. But you’re not the same person you were when you made those plans.”
Jess tilted her head to one side. She opened and closed her mouth twice before she spoke. “You’re right. I have never considered that. I was a teenager.” She frowned. “I had pretty detailed plans about some things, complete with timelines, but only vague ideas about other aspects.”
“And what about those vague ideas? Are those dreams for your future?”
“Maybe. It’s silly, but I thought I would have a wife at my side who supported me and my plans. Before I had Ella, I was lonely and didn’t know how to change that. I wanted to give love and share my life… I never envisioned details. I just knew I didn’t want to be alone. It was as if I saw through thick windowpanes into a landscape shrouded in mist. I didn’t know where to go to get where I wanted, so I stayed on the safe side.” She grimaced. “If I say it out loud, it seems childish.”
“No, not at all. Just cautious. You have dreams, and the ones you can’t plan for meticulously, you pushed aside, hoping the mist would clear one day.”
&nb
sp; “It sounds so obvious when you say it.” Jess pushed her half-full plate to the side and picked up the tea. “You want more?”
Lena nodded. She took the opportunity to study Jess while she poured.
A hint of confusion lingered in Jess’s expression, but the determination Lena had always admired rose to the surface. Finally, she leaned back in her chair. “You’re good at asking questions.”
“I don’t know. I think you’re ready to hear those questions now.”
“True. I’m done with keeping my gaze glued to my checklist, following a plan I designed when I was half my age. I haven’t told you yet, but I had a talk with the chief of cardiology on Friday.”
“About what?” Lena had a hard time following her change of topic, but Jess didn’t seem as if she was avoiding anything.
“I told him I need to cut my hours, at least for a while. A year, maybe two.”
Lena blinked. She hadn’t expected that. Jess had always put her work in the center of her life. “How do you feel about it?”
“Surprisingly okay. I thought I would feel more lost as if something vital was taken from me, but all I feel now is relief.”
Lena smiled. “I’m happy for you. What made you do it?”
“You.”
“Oh.”
“You kicked my ass and asked the right questions. You made me realize Ella is more important than any job I could have. I need to spend more time with her, quality time, for both of us. And when she grows older and more independent, I can increase the hours I work again. And either I get back to my old level, or I find something else. Medicine and cardiology have so many different possibilities. I’ll find something to do.”
“That’s wonderful. I hated to see you so tired and torn all the time.”
Jess shrugged. “I will still be tired, but I guess that comes with the territory. You can’t have children and expect them to be sleeping all the time.”
Ella chose this moment to cry. Not a desperate wailing, more a quiet Hey, I’m awake, where’s my entertainment?
Jess laughed and picked her up, cuddling her close.
The sight of them together melted Lena. She should look away, but the love they shared always mesmerized her.
Jess returned to the chair and sat Ella on her lap. One arm held her around the middle, while the other stroked the small head snuggled against her chest. When she looked up at Lena, a trace of that love still lingered in her gaze. “And what are you dreaming about? What are your plans for the future?”
Lena closed her eyes to concentrate. These questions were important, and she didn’t want to be distracted by the twin pairs of blue eyes that knew the shortcut to her heart. “Dreams and plans? For me, those two questions are completely separate. My immediate plans are concentrating my work efforts so that I’m not spread too thin, finding odd jobs all over the place. What your mother is offering me is actually perfect. I learn a lot, and I enjoy working with her. It’s more creative than I thought. And the opportunity to study botanical illustration, to improve my skills, that’s a dream come true. I have always loved nature and wanted to portray it. Even when I was little, I barely sketched anything else. Maggie has mentioned she’s going to suggest to her editor that we include my illustrations in the book, but I don’t know if I’m good enough. Talent isn’t everything. So my plan is to work with Maggie while I improve my skills and pay off my debt. Now that I don’t waste so much time running around between a handful of minimum wage jobs, I’m making a lot of progress.”
“And your dreams?” Jess wiggled the fingers of her free hand in front of Ella but kept her gaze on Lena. She smiled as Ella held on with both tiny hands and examined her fingers as if they were a toy.
This time, Lena didn’t hesitate. She trusted Jess with her dreams. And her heart. “I want to be seen and valued for myself, my personality. Find a home. Have a family. Be loved.”
A wide grin spread on Jess’s face. “That’s my dream too. I want a family.” She looked down at Ella. “Or rather, to share my tiny two-person family with a partner, an equal. Someone I love and who loves me and who loves Ella as her own daughter.”
They stared at each other, and Lena was afraid to breathe. She didn’t want to break the connection and return to reality. Could it be that easy? Could they declare they wanted the same thing and then just have it? Or was that all in her mind? Did Jess even notice what was happening here?
Ella broke the spell as she started to squirm in Jess’s grip and cried.
“What’s up?” Jess picked her up, then grimaced. “Ah, time for a new diaper.” She got up and walked a couple of steps toward the house, then turned again. “I don’t want to run, but…” She gestured at Ella. “Can we talk more later?”
Lena exhaled and nodded. “Later. We have time.” Yes, they needed to talk. But they needed some time to process their revelations too and some time to connect again. Physically and emotionally.
They had been in a relationship for less than twenty-four hours. They had all the time in the world to enjoy each other and explore their romance. But knowing they shared the same dreams helped. They were walking in the same direction to a shared goal, so not only the journey mattered but the destination too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
A door creaked and woke Jess from her sleep. She blinked, but daylight forced her eyes closed again. Since when did anything creak in her condo? Everything was as good as new.
Wait. How had a door creaked? Was someone here with her? She opened her eyes again, ignoring the brightness this time. For a second, she didn’t know where she was. The window was on the wrong side of the bed and much too close. The bed was different too—not uncomfortable, just not hers.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep,” a voice whispered from behind her. Lena’s voice.
Jess relaxed. There wasn’t an intruder in her home; she was the intruder. She rolled onto her other side and smiled at the sight of Lena. Her skin glistened pink from hours outside, and her hair was in a loose bun. Strands of light-brown curls had escaped and stuck to her temples. Her clothes were rumpled, and she looked so lovely Jess couldn’t keep her hands off her. She reached for Lena’s hand and tugged her down for a kiss.
“Hey, back already? Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”
Lena pecked her on the lips but resisted being pulled onto the bed. “I’m sweaty and need a shower. It’ll only take a minute. And you’re welcome to stay here anytime.”
Jess rolled onto her back and crossed her arms behind her head. If it were up to her, she would tell Lena to stop selling preserves at the market and make up the loss of money herself. But it wasn’t up to her, and she admired Lena for her independence. The women she’d dated previously had never hesitated to let her pay for everything, and Jess had expected and accepted it but never respected them for it.
And that’s why she was here—to show her support for Lena, not to nap. She got up and went to the kitchen, stretching her arms over her head as she walked.
She had barely seen Lena in the last two weeks since they’d become a couple. The first week she’d worked her ass off to organize everything for her reduced schedule, and last week Ella had fought her first of presumably many viral infections with a high fever and relentless crying. And then she’d caught the virus herself as Ella was on the mend. She’d had to call in sick to work, and they’d hunkered down in the condo despite her mom and Lena’s insistence they should come to the house. The last thing she wanted was to infect even more people, especially people she cared for. People she loved.
A quick glance confirmed Ella was still enjoying her midday nap in her baby carrier in the living room. She was sleeping even more than usual after last week.
Yesterday had been Jess’s first day back at work, and she’d put in long hours to catch up on all her paperwork. But now everything would be different
. Her new schedule started tomorrow. Only two full and one half day a week, and half the number of nights on call. Some colleagues would hate her for the increased workload, but others would be glad for their chance to shine. She shrugged. Not her problem.
Jess poured two glasses of the herbal iced tea Lena enjoyed so much and she’d grudgingly come to like and placed them in the bedroom. Then she fetched three of the little bottles of massage oil from Lena’s collection along with the colorful sheet that covered the massage table. She spread the sheet over Lena’s bed and sat down to wait. It didn’t take long for Lena to return from her shower, clad in a towel that ended mid-thigh.
Valiantly ignoring the beautiful skin on display, Jess stood and offered Lena a glass. “How was your day?”
“The wind was relentless at the market today.” Lena drained the glass in one go and placed it on the nightstand. “The rest was fine. I’ve nearly sold out.” She glanced at the bed and raised her eyebrows.
With an innocent grin, Jess offered her the other glass too, but Lena declined with a shake of her head, so she placed it on the nightstand without drinking from it herself.
She was thirsty too but not for tea. She stepped closer until she brushed against Lena’s towel.
As if she could read Jess’s mind, Lena leaned in and kissed her with all the pent-up passion that had been building between them for the last two weeks.