I stood and paced the sidewalk, searching for words to help her understand what I hardly understood myself.
“Grace,” Alec said.
I jumped at the sound and turned.
She patted the curb next to her. “Come back.”
I obeyed and sat down and then took a deep breath and said, “Do you remember the day you caught me crying by Johnny’s crib?”
“I always will. It all changed for us that day.”
I studied her face. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I didn’t ask you to be on the ID team for several more weeks.”
Alec huffed and said, “You wouldn’t have done that without what happened in the PICU. It was the first time I saw you as a person with emotions and not as some automaton.”
I smiled before saying, “Not just our relationship changed that day. My entire life changed. There was the hurricane. I’d lost Andrew. I was alone and terrified, so I went to see Johnny, not even knowing if he’d survived the night. When I saw him, I reached into his crib, and he grasped my finger. That was when it got a little strange. I heard a voice say, ‘This child needs you.’ It was more than a thought. It was whispered words in my mind. I looked around to make sure no one was there. We were alone.”
“So, you heard voices? There’s a clinical term for that, you know,” Alec said, only half joking.
“Alec, please. This is serious.”
“I’m sorry. Go on,” she said.
“My anxiety and grief cleared. I became calm. My life came into focus. I just knew. I knew my life had prepared me to rescue Johnny. His spirit cried out to me as if he’d been waiting for me to come save him.”
Alec got up and turned toward the door. “I’m cold. Let’s go inside,” she said with her back to me.
I stood and stepped in front of her.
“What’re you doing, Grace?” she asked, still avoiding my eyes.
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” I asked.
“I’m just cold.”
I stepped aside and motioned for her to go. She went in but passed the row of chairs we’d used earlier. I followed, hoping that was what she wanted. Alec continued down the hallway toward my office and somehow convinced the guard to let us through. She held out her hand for my key when we reached my door. I dug it out of my purse and pressed it into her palm. When we got inside, I stopped to look around. I hadn’t been there for several days. It felt foreign to me even though everything was where I’d left it.
Alec dropped onto the sofa. Still without looking at me, she said, “So you’re saying that being abused by your father and Danny was necessary because Johnny would need you someday? That’s crazy, Grace. Are you sure you didn’t convince yourself that’s what you heard? That’s what you wanted, right? You were vulnerable because of Andrew’s death.”
Alec’s reaction didn’t surprise me. If it hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have believed it either. I wanted to convince her, but it wouldn’t have changed my conviction either way. I valued her friendship, but I valued the truth more. I sat down and took her hand, but she didn’t look up.
“I spent twenty years angry at a Lord I wasn’t sure existed. I got up every morning forcing myself to survive just one more day of my rotten life. Johnny changed everything. He gave me a reason to live, but it’s not about me. Johnny deserves a chance. For some cosmic reason, he needs me.”
Alec stared down at our clasped hands so I couldn’t gauge her reaction. I pulled my hand free and sat back, hoping she’d say something. When she didn’t, I said, “Now I’ve screwed it up. The best I can do is be there for Johnny in his final days. I have to cope with the fact that I’m responsible for his death, but that doesn’t change what I know. Does that make any sense?”
Alec looked up with tears glistening in her eyes. “Perfect sense,” she said. “I’ll need time to process this. For now, I’ll have to trust you. I am sure of one thing, though. If the Lord needed someone to love Johnny, he found the perfect person in you.”
My voice caught when I said, “Thank you for that and for not thinking I’m insane. I warned you about becoming my friend.”
Alec wiped her eyes and stood. “I should have listened. Enough of this, though. We have to get back to our reality. You’re going to need me when this hits the fan. Even though I understand why you broke quarantine, it doesn’t make it right. Aside from the fact that we could lose Johnny and Rebecca, they may have exposed others. You could be in serious trouble. Still think it was worth it?”
I would have given my life to take back what I’d done. I’d tried to rationalize that it had been an act of love, but it had been pure selfishness. My act could cost lives, including the one I loved most in the world.
“You know the answer,” I said finally. “The first time I thumb my nose at the rules, I end up killing people.”
“Stop that. They’re both still alive. Let’s make sure they stay that way.”
I appreciated her optimism, but that hadn’t worked with the people we’d already lost. “I’m going back to Johnny,” I said. “No one but you and Rebecca knows what I did. It won’t take long for the truth to get out. Once Kinsley gets wind of it, he’ll come after me with everything he’s got. I’ll stay with Johnny until then, but you need to go home. I appreciate your offer to help, but you need to distance yourself from me. I won’t drag you down and have that on my conscience too.”
“Then you shouldn’t have told me. I’ll be here to relieve you in the morning. You’re going to need to keep your strength up for what’s coming,” she said.
“No, Alec, I mean it. Stay away.”
“See you in the morning.” She kissed my cheek and was out the door before I could protest.
I convinced Johnny’s doctor to let me put a recliner in his room. He agreed after I promised to stay masked and gowned and not touch Johnny. I dozed on and off during the night but gave up at six and climbed out of the chair when the nurse came in to take his vitals. His condition was critical, but it hadn’t worsened. I honestly hadn’t expected him to survive the night.
The nurse left after she cleaned and changed Johnny. I ached to hold him but refused to break my promise. I had learned my lesson about ignoring the rules. I sang to him instead, so he’d know I was by his side. My stomach growled an hour later, and I realized I hadn’t eaten since six the night before. I was heading to the cafeteria when Alec came in.
“What are you doing here? And how’d you get in? I practically had to sell my soul to get them to let me stay last night,” I said.
Alec didn’t move, but her mask couldn’t hide the anguish in her eyes.
“What is it?” I demanded.
“Rebecca didn’t make it.”
My legs gave out, but Alec caught me before I hit the floor. She helped me to the recliner and knelt beside me. “There’s more. Kinsley sent me to find you. He wants to see you in his office. He wouldn’t say why.”
“Did he need to?” I leaned forward and put my head between my knees to fight off my rising panic.
“I’ll tell him I couldn’t find you. You’re in no condition to face him,” she said.
I sat up and said, “Thanks, but he’ll know you were here, and you’d just be delaying the inevitable.” I stood and grabbed the chair arm to get my balance. “I brought this on myself. What Kinsley has to dish out can’t be worse than the punishment of knowing I’m responsible for Rebecca’s death.”
When Alec didn’t argue, it was all the proof I needed. I left the room without looking back at Johnny.
Kinsley’s door was open. He was bent over some papers, so he didn’t notice me in the doorway. He looked as hyena-ish as usual, but I detected a slight sense of glee in his demeanor. He raised his head and set his predator eyes on me.
“I see you got my message. Please, take a seat.”
He’d never used the word please with me since the day we’d met. It was going to be worse than I thought.
“You’ve heard about Rebecca Wilso
n?” he asked.
He said the words as if he were asking about a change in hospital policy, not about the death of an employee. The fact that Rebecca’s death hadn’t affected him enraged me. I nodded, refusing to show him the loathing that seethed inside me.
“I know you’re aware Baby John Doe is infected as well.”
“Johnny,” I said.
“Excuse me?” he said, looking directly at me over his reading glasses.
“I said Johnny. Call him Johnny.”
He rolled his eyes and said, “Very well, Johnny’s infected as well.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice.
I had to grab my chair to keep from belting him in the nose.
When I didn’t respond, he said, “The CDC director and I found it odd that the infection had jumped from the ID unit to pediatrics. Without much investigation, we discovered that you paid a visit to Johnny three days before being cleared from quarantine. Is that information correct?”
I nodded again, and his eyes lit up like he’d come upon a kill. I gripped the chair tighter.
“As you know, willfully breaking quarantine is a punishable offense. Pending completion of the investigation, you are hereby suspended. During that time, you are prohibited from setting foot on hospital grounds. In addition, Rebecca’s family is pressing charges. You’ll be hearing from their attorney. The hospital does not intend to defend you in this action. I suggest you find a good lawyer. Now, please clean out your office and vacate the premises.”
I left Kinsley’s office without a word. Arguing or fighting for myself was pointless. That one action had wiped out twenty years of faithful service to the hospital. My nursing career wasn’t the only casualty. I’d destroyed my entire life. I made my way to the ID unit to say good-bye to Johnny, knowing that even if he lived, I’d never see him again.
After I put on my mask and gown, I reached for the sign-in sheet before putting on my gloves. As I did, one of the guards who’d let me pass without a word the night I’d gone to Johnny’s room stepped up, blocking my path.
“Can I help you, ma’am?” he asked.
“I’m going to visit Johnny,” I said, fighting to keep my composure.
“I have orders not to allow you in.” He moved closer and squared his shoulders. I wondered if expected me to fight him. He was at least six-four and had shoulders that filled a doorway.
I took a step back and said, “I’m only going in to say good-bye. I’ll just be a minute.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’re not going in.”
I couldn’t believe he was the same man I’d greeted almost every morning for the past month. I’d even brought him snacks a few times. One word from Kinsley and he was treating me like a criminal. Even if Kinsley’s actions were justified, I wasn’t going to let him keep me from Johnny. I smiled at the guard and slipped into my kind mother persona. “No one is around to see. I won’t even sign the sheet. I’ll be in and out in two minutes.”
I might as well have been talking to a wall. He stood at attention and stared at something beyond me. Refusing to leave without seeing Johnny, I swallowed my pride and resorted to my last desperate weapon. I dropped to my knees and began sobbing. It wasn’t only a trick. The impact of Kinsley’s sentence had finally hit me. When I could get the words out, I begged the guard to let me in to see Johnny. He stood stone-faced, ignoring me.
I tried to find the strength to stand, but before I could, I felt a tug on my elbow. I looked up to see Alec and Adam standing over me. Alec pulled me to my feet and wrapped her arms around me. Adam asked the guard what was going on. After he explained, Alec released me, and she and Adam each took an arm to lead me away. I struggled to get free, but I was no match for them.
They took me to my office. Adam made an excuse to get away and left us alone. Alec pulled me toward the sofa, but I pulled my arm free and went to my desk. I leaned over it with my palms flat on the surface for support.
Alec waited for a full two minutes before speaking. “What’s going on, Grace? Adam and I went to see Kinsley but didn’t get anything out of him. I figured you would have gone back to Johnny.”
Without turning, I said, “You don’t have to stay. I’m fine now.”
“Yeah, you look fine, and that’s not going to work.”
If I spoke the words, the nightmare would become real. I was terrified that I’d break down and never come back. I’d lost everything, and for the first time in my life, I had no one else to blame. I was back on that bus to Richmond, but I’d created the darkness consuming me. No Andrew would be there to rescue me at the end.
Alec got up and leaned on the corner of the desk. When she put her hand on my shoulder, I flinched, but she didn’t move her hand. “Tell me what happened so I can help fix this. Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.”
“Really, Alec? Is that how your world works? We talk it out, you say some kind words, and it’s all better? Would that bring Rebecca back? Would that cure Johnny? Will it keep Kinsley from suspending me, or Rebecca’s family from pressing charges? You think you have all the answers. This time you’re just wrong. Nothing will make it better.”
Alec stood and took a few deep breaths. “I may not have all the answers,” she said softly, “but I can still care about you. Who else do you have? Why do you insist on pushing me away after all we’ve been through?
“I guess it’s just classic Grace,” I said.
“Fine, go ahead and try to drive me away. Crawl back to your miserable old life. I’ll be here when you’ve figured out you’ve come too far to creep back into your hole.”
The only sound was the tapping of my tears on the desk blotter. I heard a rustle and the squeak of door hinges ten seconds later. I fought the urge to go after her; severing our tie was right. She’d see that in time. I took my purse and the picture of Andrew from my desk. I left the rest for Kinsley to deal with.
Chapter Seven
My trip to the store the day before my suspension saved me from having to leave the house for a week. Without a reason to get up, I stayed in bed watching mindless TV and avoiding the news. I was afraid I’d see something about myself, or worse, about Johnny. Instead, I escaped into a fictional world where the reality outside my walls didn’t exist.
I had no need to consider my future. I had twenty years’ worth of savings in the bank. My old solitary lifestyle had meant no nights at the movies or trips to coffee shops with friends. There hadn’t been parties, vacations, or birthday gifts to buy. I estimated that I had enough to live on for a year. I certainly had enough to live on until I went to jail.
Alec called and left several messages during that time, but I didn’t bother to check them. I was afraid those would be about Johnny too. If I avoided the truth, Johnny could go on living exactly as he had been the last time I saw him. The lawyer for Rebecca’s family called too. I ignored those too. If they wanted me, they knew where to find me.
The need for food finally forced me out of the house the following week. I went to the warehouse store first and stocked up on boxed dinners and canned goods. After that, I went to the grocery store for the few perishables I needed. When I had enough food to last a month, I went home to start the long chore of putting it away.
Alec’s car was parked in my driveway when I drove up. I was tempted to keep driving and wait for her to leave, but I decided it was better to face her and convince her to forget about me. When I pulled into the garage, she got out of the car and followed me in. I started carrying my groceries into the house. She joined me without a word.
When the last of the perishables were in the fridge, she leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. “Why did you let me in if you aren’t going to talk to me?” I didn’t answer, so she said, “I’m relieved to see you didn’t do yourself in. Looks like you’re preparing for the zombie apocalypse.”
I bit my cheek to keep from smiling. Alec always knew how to get to me, no matter how dire the situation. To shut her up, I said, “I’m glad you’re here. I was going to ca
ll you today and tell you, again, to leave me alone. I appreciate all you’ve done. I do. You’ve been an amazing friend, but that’s over. Find a new pet project. There’s nothing you can do for me now.”
“Nice speech, but wrong on most counts, except that I’ve been an amazing friend.” She smiled at me and winked, and I wondered how she could be so glib given what I was facing. Before I could say that, she said, “Aren’t you going to ask about Johnny?”
I went to the living room and sank into my favorite chair. I covered my face with my hands because I couldn’t bear to look at her. Hearing Johnny’s name had undermined my show of indifference. “Don’t tell me,” I said. “Dealing with Rebecca’s death is too much. Having Johnny’s death on my hands will kill me.”
“All right, I won’t tell you he died, because he didn’t. He’s recovering. He’ll be back in his old room in pediatrics in a few days.”
I lowered my hands and stared at her. She wasn’t cruel enough to joke about Johnny. My brain struggled to process what she’d said. My subconscious was already grieving for Johnny.
“But how?” I stammered. “He couldn’t have survived.”
Alec smiled wider and said, “The epidemiologists are theorizing that roughly thirty percent of the population has natural immunity. That doesn’t mean people in that category can’t get sick, but they have a far greater chance for survival. That’s probably why you, Angela, and I didn’t get sick. Johnny’s an extraordinary little guy. A miracle really, if you believe in that kind of thing.”
She winked again, and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I hadn’t killed Johnny. No matter what happened, he still had a chance at life, even if I wouldn’t be a part of it. I wiped my face with the back of my hand and said, “It is a miracle. It doesn’t solve my other problems, but knowing makes all the difference.”
Alec took my hand and said, “I get why you’ve been acting crazy. You shouldn’t have been dealing with it alone.”
Arms of Grace Page 7