by JJ King
My phone rang at precisely 9:00 a.m. and I tapped the button that would allow us to video chat, since the email had specifically requested it. Dr. Bennett’s jovial features appeared on the screen a moment later.
“Lexi,” he said with a wide grin. He was always smiling, well, almost always. He hadn’t smiled when we first started working together. Not when I’d spent endless sessions talking about my time in the dark, or being beaten, or being afraid for my life. No, he started smiling when I’d started making it through most nights without nightmares and when I started to find joy in the little things. “How are you? How are you adapting? How are your classes?” He rested his hands under his chin and waited.
That was another thing that he did differently now. At first, he kept the questions and the comments narrowed, so I didn’t get confused and retreat. But, as I’d become more confident in trusting in him, he’d expanded our relationship until I wasn’t sure there was anyone else in the world that I was more comfortable with.
“I’m doing alright, for the most part. I got a bit triggered yesterday in my philosophy class. We were talking about Nietzsche’s approach to evil so, you know…” I shrugged, knowing he’d understand.
“Awww, yes,” he nodded, tapping his chin. “I can see how that would dredge up some pretty dark memories for you. Tell me, what do you think about Nietzsche’s approach?”
I chewed my lip for a moment, then told him, “I think he’s right. I don’t believe true evil exists, not in the way that supernaturalism believes. The argument ‘the devil made me do it’ is an excuse of either a weak mind or a powerful one.”
“In which of those two choices was Raphael?” he asked, his face no longer radiating joy. He knew every deep dark secret I had and knew there was no joy to be found when discussing Raphael.
“There was nothing weak about Raphael,” I said bitterly. “Except for his grasp on sanity, I suppose. But even that, he used like a hammer to beat down anyone who would oppose him. Still, I don’t believe for a single second that someone or something other than himself made him do any of what he did.”
“What about mental illnesses?” Dr. Bennett asked, raising his eyebrows with a shrug. “Throughout history, people with undiagnosed mental illnesses have been considered proof of the supernatural, of evil.”
I leaned forward, drawn in by the discussion. “Exactly,” I agreed. “They didn’t know any better, so they blamed what they couldn’t see. Spirits, witches, the devil, they’re all scapegoats, given power by people with strong minds or,” I added, thinking it through, “groups of people, sheep, with weak minds. Mental illness is not evil and for everyone else, we all make decisions and have to live with the consequences.”
Dr. Bennett nodded, then lifted a cup of coffee to his lips and took a long drink. Not having had any coffee yet this morning, I nearly salivated at the sight.
“So,” he said a moment later, after setting his cup down. “What’s this I hear about you trying to climb a fence?”
I groaned. Of course, that’s what this impromptu video chat was about. My late-night activities had been reported immediately. There was no point holding back and, really, I didn’t want to. I needed somebody to talk to about the way I’d been feeling, about the desperate need I’d had last night to escape. What if the dreams kept coming and I needed to get out and run other nights? I needed a better system and people who understood.
“After class, yesterday,” I started, recalling the embarrassing episode I’d had and the hot guy who’d seen me through it. “I had a bit of a panic attack after being accidentally pushed into an elevator with a bunch of people.”
Dr. Bennett’s eyebrows winged up again. “I thought the campus was supposed to be pretty empty during the summer.”
“So did I,” I said wryly. “But it was like a swarm outside my classroom. I might as well have been picked up and carried along with the crowd.” I swallowed, remembering the pressure that had rested on my chest. “But I got through it and the rest of the day, then…”
“Then you went to sleep, and he showed up.” He nodded and then shook his head. “You must’ve suspected you’d have a nightmare. You could’ve called me, Lexi.”
“I know,” I said with a sigh, wishing I’d done that instead of just climbing into bed to sleep off my mental exhaustion. “But I didn’t, and it was a bad one. I was back in the darkness, in the room.”
He blew out a long breath. “You couldn’t stay in your room,” he guessed, right the first time.
I nodded. “I had to get out. I just needed to get out and run but once I left my dorm, it wasn’t enough. I needed my wolf and the forest, but I wasn’t thinking straight, so I tried to climb over the back fence.” I screwed up my face and shrugged. “It was stupid. I think I might’ve broken my neck if I’d managed to try another time. Fortunately, for my neck, a guy showed up, another student, and offered me a leg up.”
“Dimitri Baskin,” Dr. Bennett said with a nod, as if he were familiar with my new acquaintance.
“Do you know him?” I asked, cocking my head to the side. What were the chances of that?
“No,” he said. “But I know his type and he may not be the best person to incorporate into your social circle.”
I choked back a laugh that brought a frown to his face. “You don’t think so?” he asked.
I swallowed the laugh and widened my eyes, trying to look as innocent as possible and not give away the fact that I was more attracted to Dimitri, apparent bad boy of Omega Wolf Academy, than I’d ever been to anyone before in my life. Not that I’d had much experience and attraction, other than with Lucian, but there had been something different about the connection between us, however imaginary it was on my part. I wanted to get to know Lucian, to talk to him while holding his hand. I also wanted to jump him based on the way my hormones had flared to life in his presence, but there was something different about Dimitri and the lust that had almost swamped me. He was annoying as fuck, but it didn’t seem to matter. I felt like one part of two magnets, drawn to him through a force beyond my control. Something in me that wanted to treasure these feelings and keep them private for now held me back from sharing. To distract the very keen doctor, I confessed something else that had been bothering me.
“I didn’t expect it to be so exhausting,” I murmured, letting him see the naked truth of my confession. I raised my fingers to my mouth and chewed idly on one nail. “It’s like I’m behind a glass window, watching everyone else interact and talk in a completely normal way. They seemed so comfortable just being themselves and I’m stuck, outside, watching it like a play because I don’t know how to integrate and just be me.”
“And who exactly are you?” he asked, taking another sip of coffee.
I frowned and chewed on the inside of my cheek as I mulled it over. Who was I? Now there was a question. “I don’t know.” I raised my gaze in defeat.
Dr. Bennett sighed. “Most people develop their identities during childhood and adolescence, but your life has been far from ordinary. You and the other girls are not like most people. You were deprived of real childhoods, not given the chance to explore who you are. In essence, this, right now,” he spread his hands, “this is your time of exploration. This is your time to figure out who you are.”
I opened my mouth then snapped it shut again, unsure of what to say. In all the sessions we’d had, I’d never realized that I had no idea who I was. I’d been pretending to be someone or something appropriate, maybe a little adventurous, but I didn’t even know what that meant. I dyed my hair pink in my own private rebellion because I’d seen a girl in a magazine with pink hair and thought she looked cool. But that was normal, wasn’t it? Most people made decisions about their looks based on what they saw around them. I’d done something normal. A trickle of relief filtered through me.
“Do you think I’ll get better at it? Stop feeling like an outsider?” I held my breath and waited.
He smiled again and nodded. “I think you’re alre
ady finding your way in the world, Lexi. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.” He wagged a finger at her. “You know, it might help to put yourself out there and find a group of students who have similar interests to yours. You love literature and reading. Why don’t you seek out the English society? I know you’re taking a first year English class. Your professor would know how to find them.”
I considered it silently, remembering the students in my English class. Most of them were there because it was a prerequisite for first year and they had to do it before moving on. There were a few, though, who were always prepared and participated every class. “I could do that,” I said, promising myself it wasn’t just an empty reply. “I’m going to do that.”
“Good.” He glanced to his left, to where I knew he kept a small clock on his desk and looked distracted for a moment. “Okay, Lexi, I have to run, but we are going to continue our sessions virtually each week if that’s alright with you.”
I nodded, feeling relieved I’d have someone I trusted to talk to on the regular.
“Alright, then I’ll see you again next week.” He smiled broadly and leaned in closer to the camera. “And Lexi, maybe you could keep your mind open to the prospect of finding friends. It would be good for you. I look forward to hearing about your experiences when we talk next. Bye now.” He clicked off.
I stared at the empty screen for a long moment, hearing his last words of advice run through my mind. My lips quirked up as I recalled the faces of the not one but two guys I was currently lusting over. Oh yeah, my mind was definitely open to the prospect of romantic interests.
Chapter 4
I spent Friday night doing exactly what I did every other night, watching Netflix, searching YouTube for tutorials on how to do my makeup and hair, since that wasn’t something I’d learned in the mountain, and wasting half my life on TikTok. I heard other students in my dorm come and go, with groups of friends, laughing and having fun, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. Like any diet I’d ever heard of, I had plans to start on Monday.
Saturday dawned gorgeous and warm. Students hustled past me in groups, with large bags laden with towels and snacks for the trip to the lake that was located around two miles outside the main gates of campus.
Instead of joining them, I slipped from my dorm room, and made my way to the edge of campus and the trail that wound through a wooded glade inside our walls.
I loved running. Most wolves did, by nature, unless they were hoity-toity ass holes who denied their nature. After spending a lifetime locked inside an underground bunker, being allowed to shift only when the need was just too strong to deny, the ability to run was liberating. It also allowed me to clear my mind and emotions and help me cope with the darkness that was always trying to sneak up on me, like a shadow, always on my heels.
I recognized Dimitri’s laugh as I rounded the library and stepped onto the back lawn. It hit me like a wave of heat and longing and seemed to drag me forward. Bad boy or not, I wanted to see him. So, I moved forward slowly, staying behind a large bush that lined the walkway that threaded through campus, and peeked out.
I nearly stumbled. He was playing basketball with two other guys and was wearing nothing but a pair of long shorts and sneakers. I exhaled an involuntary whistle, then slapped a hand over my mouth, terrified that he’d heard me and would turn and see me lurking like a stalker.
My eyes locked in on him and devoured every inch from the privacy of my hiding place. As I’d imagined, what was beneath his shirt fulfilled every promise and more. He was tight, and defined, and cut down to an Adonis V that made my mouth water. I swallowed and almost wiped the corners of my lips.
Old Ones, Lexi, I chided myself. Stop being a fucking weirdo!
He laughed, not the derisive chuckle I’d last heard from him, but an amused burst of sound that filled my heart so much it expanded and pushed against my ribs painfully. I rubbed the skin of my chest and wondered how the sound of a laugh could fill me with so much joy.
Dimitri threw the basketball at one of the other guys and I tracked it then gaped in surprise when I saw who he was playing with.
Lucian caught the ball easily, dribbled it between his legs, pivoted and leapt into the air. The ball sailed out of his hands in a perfect arc and swished through the net. He threw his hands into the air and shouted in victory.
I slow blinked, my mind moving as if through mud, as I tried to understand what I was seeing. The sweet, gorgeous guy who’d saved me from a panic attack and embarrassment, and the hot bad boy, who’d saved me from breaking my neck were laughing and playing basketball together like old friends.
It didn’t make sense.
I’d spent my entire life surrounded by other women, my half-sisters and their mothers, and the brainwashed boys born to them, who Raphael had taken under his wing and trained to be as insane as him. Then, I’d been set free from that prison and given a new life. I’d met guys since, some of whom were incredibly attractive, but none of whom had sparked my interest, let alone my obsession.
So, how the hell had I met two guys who both made my heart race and my legs go weak in the run of a few days on campus in the middle of summer? And how were they friends?
One thing was for certain, I couldn’t stay hidden behind a bush forever. I was done letting men control where I could or could not go. So, I pulled out my earbuds, slipped them in, and turned on my favorite running playlist, then jogged across the long expanse of the grass to the mouth of the path.
By the time I’d run the entire course, choosing the off-road options to boost my heart rate and work off some steam, the tension that had crept up in my shoulders was gone. They probably hadn’t even noticed me run by. There was no reason to think they’d noticed me crossing the open field to start the route again.
I broke from the tree line and squinted as the brilliance of the sun blinded me for a moment. As my vision cleared, I fought against the urge to look at the basketball court, just to check if they were still there.
But I could hear them, still laughing and razzing each other, and I could hear the slap of the basketball on the court and in their palms. I dared a glance as I started to cut back into the woods and saw a glint of sunshine and curly blond hair.
Then I was back on the path, surrounded by nature and the calm I so often longed for. I wished the path were longer, so I could pretend I was outside the inner fence, free to shift and run whenever I wanted. But campus rules existed for a reason, I supposed. We were encouraged not to shift whenever we felt like it, but to wait for campus runs, which were held every second Friday of the year. The next one was less than a week away. I wondered if I could make it till then.
I thought about talking to Headmaster Gabriel about arranging more frequent runs. After all, he was apparently savvy to my life story and would probably be amenable. Then again, Dimitri had already accused me of favoritism and with eyes as sharp as his, I doubt I could arrange something extra without his notice and subsequent snarky comments.
Even as I scowled at the thought of his commentary, I longed for it, which made me scowl harder. I didn’t understand what was going on inside me. It was like my body and my brain were at war, and over what? Boys?
Well, one boy, really. I understood my attraction to Lucian, even if it was more acute than I’d ever thought possible. He was thoughtful, and intelligent, and a bit of a hero in my eyes. But I wasn’t quite sure why my head agreed with my body over Dimitri. He was a bit of an asshole, albeit a gorgeous one with the rough edge that somewhere, deep down inside, I wanted to rub up against.
I leapt over a log and grinned, enjoying the movement of my body on the rougher terrain. Blood pumped through my veins, making me feel grounded and free. Whatever happened with Dimitri and Lucian, I was free to explore it and make my own decisions. My smile grew wider. I’d grown up thinking I would live and die in that place. Now I could make my own mistakes and live with the consequences.
I broke from the forest path again, once more
blinded by the brilliant light, and nearly slammed straight into someone I couldn’t see.
Before I could fall on my ass, hands shot out and grabbed me, pulling me upright. I raised my hand to my eyes, shielding them from the sun and blinking rapidly to clear my vision so I could see who I just slammed into.
The sudden realization that it could be Dimitri or Lucian had the blood draining from my face then returning with a fierce wave of heat. I gasped in a breath, inhaling the scent around me, and frowned. I could smell both Dimitri and Lucian, but this guy wasn’t either of them.
His scent hit me in the gut, contracting my stomach muscles and shooting need straight down between my legs. I stiffened and pulled away, more confused than I’d ever been in my life. This wasn’t either of the guys I was insanely attracted to, which meant…
“Are you all right? I didn’t mean to get in your way.” His voice was lazy, with a soft southern drawl that made me think of gardenias and long, hot summers. His hands touched my shoulders gently and shifted me so that the sun was behind me and I could see again.
He looked like an angel, that was all I could think, and I wondered if maybe I’d hit my head on his chest a little too hard. Then, the absurdity of that hit me, and my lips turned up.
“No, I’m sorry,” I murmured, “I just got a little blinded by the sun.” I tried not to breathe through my nose, since his scent, mixed with Dimitri’s and Lucian’s, was making me weak in the knees.
I was chemically imbalanced, that’s what it was, or I was having a stroke. My head went fuzzy and light, like it was filled with helium, and I swayed for a moment.
His hand moved to my waist and held me there. I tilted my chin up and looked into his eyes, which I noticed with pleasure were a vivid gold.