‘Zelda, why did you attack me?’
‘Damage possessed me. I lesbian back home, but never feel like that for someone. I changed, but she’s gone now.’
That’s another tortured soul on Billie’s count. She obviously doesn’t know that Billie is back here. I decide to try to get to know her more.
‘You have unusual scars on your arm.’
‘Yes. I very stubborn. Bad men do this to me.’
It’s another harsh truth about how humans can treat each other. It’s the tip of the iceberg, too. To think we call most of our planet civilisation. The rest of the shift goes smoothly until late afternoon, Billie appears at my gate. She looks around before talking.
‘Thanks for the money.’
‘How do you know I put it in?’
‘Phone banking, innit. Now Tara’s back, the bank is the only person I’ve got to ring on the prison phones. I knew you would, though.’
‘Why aren’t you upstairs?’
‘Not missing me, Dalton?’
‘I’m busy. Where are you going?’
She takes a few steps away from the gates before whispering words that chill me to the core.
‘I’ve got a healthcare appointment for a pregnancy test.’
69
I practically have to peel my hands from the bars, long after Billie has backed away and left. On my own, I’m too busy to look out for her returning from Healthcare. Is she messing with me and it’s her idea of a sick joke, or a way of being in control? If that’s the case, it won’t be long before she’s after more money. What the hell have I done?
I spend the rest of the shift wandering the landings trying not to think about the consequences of Billie being pregnant. Even if she is, it can’t be mine because she was on the pill, wasn’t she? She was due on the next day, though, and had the telltale stomach ache to prove it. Which means that any baby must be someone else’s. I can’t help the ridiculous feeling of having been cheated on.
I don’t need help at bang up with such a low roll. Even I can count to twenty-one. Zelda’s is the last occupied cell. She’s waiting immediately behind the door, which would normally make me jump. But I only have one thing on my mind. Her hand shoots out.
‘I do it for you. You victim, too. We learn, uh?’
‘Eh?’
She hands me a folded piece of A4 paper. She looks vulnerable and very much her twenty-two years. I take it from her and realise I never really considered the possibility of Zelda’s innocence. Is that some unconscious bias because she’s an immigrant, or just because she gave me death stares?
‘Thank you.’
‘No, I give you thanks for not telling anyone what I tried to do to you. I no forget. Maybe one day I protect you.’
I open the piece of paper and it’s a picture of a field of sunflowers in front of a row of tall green trees. There’s a farm building on the right with two big stick people and two littles ones next to them. It’s childish, not much better than something Tilly might draw. I look up and spot the pack of felt-tip pens on Zelda’s table. The prisoners will do anything to busy their minds. Anything to keep the darkness away. I’ve spent my shift walking around the wing trying to do the same thing.
‘It’s lovely, I appreciate it.’
She speaks slowly, emphasising each word.
‘It is my family farm. To think, I could not wait to leave.’
She half smiles and I see a girl sitting on the back of a cart pulled by a horse, swinging her legs with her sister, as they trundle along a dusty lane towards a setting sun. What is Zelda’s story? She’s a thousand miles from home and doesn’t seem the type to set up a business distributing class A drugs all over the United Kingdom. Did she want to get involved, or are her scars proof she had no choice? The lies and the truths seep into your bones until you never know what to believe. It becomes easy to think the worst of everyone. Your humanity is just another possession that the prison wants to steal from you.
I lock her door and slowly scrape the bolt across. Do the people inside these cells ever get used to those noises? When I reach the hub, everybody else is sitting in a circle with their roll counts in. I almost stumble on a piece of rucked-up carpet, but no one laughs. Odom’s face is grim. I’m glad nobody is looking at me when I fill the form in, because my hand is shaking. Roll twenty-one. One on, Zelda. I deliberately stand opposite Peabody and two up from Odom. If he wants to see me, he’ll have to lean forward.
‘Listen in, you lot. I’m sure you’re aware Harding is back. Rumours are floating around, so we might as well discuss it. She’s pregnant. The nurse confirmed the test today.’
There’s an audible gasp from everyone except Peabody and me. If there was still any doubt of who else was up to no good with Billie, there isn’t now.
‘We need to find out who’s responsible,’ continues Odom.
‘Did she get pregnant in this prison, or HMP Styal?’ asks Sheraton.
‘We don’t know which, but she’s not been gone long, so we can only think it was here. I am able to confirm that it wasn’t me.’
Thank the Lord for Odom’s sense of humour. We all laugh and it breaks the tension. I put my hand up.
‘She must have an idea of how far along she is, and who did it. Didn’t someone ask her?’
‘Yes, many have,’ says Odom. ‘Ms Harding refuses to say anything. She said she’ll tell the director, but he’s not in until tomorrow morning. I assume he’ll talk to her first thing and then there’ll be a meeting with everyone. Shit is going to hit the fan. Somebody in here won’t rest easily tonight.’
He’s right. I don’t sleep a wink.
70
I lie in bed staring at the ceiling all night until the alarm goes off. It seems a long time ago that Gronkowski provoked the same feelings of anxiety, but then I was scared for my safety. Now I fear for my freedom. Abuse in a position of care is a serious crime, punishable by imprisonment. Judges make examples of people like me. Billie’s pregnancy is an aggravating factor whether or not the baby is mine. I’d be lucky to only get two years.
I allow myself an incredulous smile. Imagine the conversation with Abi. Sorry, love, while you were away, I kind of lost my marbles a bit and had sex with this young girl in the prison. She’s pregnant but it’s not mine.
Today could easily be the worst day of my life. Wouldn’t Billie know she was pregnant because she would have missed a period or two? Although you hear lots of stories where women go into labour not knowing they were pregnant. Would she have had sex with me knowing she was carrying someone else’s baby?
When it’s time to leave for work, the kids are watching TV. I give them the biggest hugs and tell them I love them more than anything. It’s only now that I realise it’s the truth, and not just something you say when you’re a parent. I’ve felt like this for years and, in the chaos of my job, not even noticed that I can’t live without them. I take my time saying goodbye to Abi as well. The second you’re about to lose something is the moment you understand its worth.
‘You okay? You look rough,’ she says.
‘Cheers. I just wanted a snog before I go.’
‘I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face.’
‘I don’t care.’
I pull her towards me. She struggles for a bit, but then melts into my arms. When we separate, she blushes.
‘Lucky you’re going to work, or you’d have matrimonial duties.’
‘I’d have liked that.
‘Maybe later.’
I step from the house knowing that if my name is pulled out of the hat at the meeting, later could be a long time to wait. I’d be arrested at work, in the police station overnight, and the magistrates would be asking for my plea tomorrow morning. If you want to get a third off your sentence, you need to admit your guilt straight away. They might even jail me immediately while they wait for probation reports with a custodial sentence inevitable.
I cycle off into the morning sunshine. It doesn’t feel like a day
to lose your liberty. Exhaustion makes it seem as if my bike’s in top gear, even though I’m in the lowest. For the first time in our prison careers, Fats cycles past me.
‘Hey, Dalton! Where you been?’
‘Three days to go, then I’m hopefully back in your loving embrace.’
‘I’m not sure there’s room with Braddock’s sister in there.’
‘You old dog. Got your feet under the table, did ya?’
‘That’s right, sir.’
‘She looks very similar to Braddock. Do you like him too?’
‘Shut it, Dalton. I’m in a good mood and I’ve been dieting. It’s not easy, and it makes me weak.’
‘Made much progress?’
‘Yes, sir. I’ve sneaked under twenty stone.’
I laugh and he does too. It’s another reminder of everything I’ve put at risk by my stupid actions. If I’m found guilty, I’ll lose his friendship as well as the respect of every person who works in that building.
Why did I risk so much? It’s as though what happened with Billie was years ago and a different me. Billie’s hardened demeanour since she returned makes her feel like a stranger now, when before I thought we had such a strong bond. Have I just been an old fool? I never for a moment thought she was shagging someone else, especially bloody Peabody.
‘How’s Lena?’
‘Good, good. She got that position she went for and loves it. A guy there asked her out for a date this weekend, so she’s all nervous and excited. Life’s great, man. It’s funny how quickly things can change.’
How right you are, Fats, I think, as we reach the prison.
After getting a set of keys and a radio, I trudge down to the security door and press the button. Nasima has arrived at the same time and walks through with me to the houseblocks. I’m so nervous, it’s an effort to focus on what she’s saying.
‘You look rough,’ she says.
That’s exactly what Abi said.
‘One of the kids keeps having nightmares, so I haven’t slept for days.’
‘Nobody tells you about that at the baby shower.’
‘No, it seems there are lots of surprises in store when it comes to parenting.’
How easily the lies come. I used to have pride in my honesty.
The director is in the hub when we arrive. He has a quiet chat with Nasima, then both of them leave and walk upstairs to what I assume is Billie’s cell. At seven-fifteen, we all unlock. Nasima hasn’t returned. It’s Tex and me on the wing today. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to her.
‘Hi, Tex. How are things? I don’t think I’ve seen you since you went on holiday.’
She pauses before opening the wing gates, then shrugs.
‘I suppose they call it a nervous breakdown. A mini one, maybe. I couldn’t get out of bed for days, but I gradually improved last week, so I’m back. It was all of that stuff with Rose-Marie, you know, one thing too many. So, they stuck me with the lifers today, so I don’t have to look at her cell.’
I put my arm around her as we walk to the office.
We get breakfast done and send the workers off at mass movement. Then we head to the hub where Nasima and the director are waiting for us. I can feel my knees jellifying. When I open the hub door, there’s also the head of Security sitting on one of the chairs. Everyone else filters in. Peabody is last. He is so white, I can see blue veins in his forehead. When the director starts talking, a thin trickle of sweat runs through Peabody’s sideburn and down the side of his face.
‘Right, this is an extremely serious situation. It reflects very badly on the jail. We need to handle this sensitively and sensibly. I’ve spoken to Harding this morning and asked her how far along she suspects she is, but she said she can’t be sure. Do we think she is telling us the whole truth?’
He directs that to Nasima.
‘Maybe,’ she says. ‘A lot of these girls don’t look after themselves, however, Billie is always very in control, so I’d say she’s messing with us.’
‘You may well be right,’ said the director, ‘because she has hinted at the man responsible.’
He scans the circle of people looking at him. Even the innocent hold their breath.
‘I told her to name him outright, but she refused. She believes she was as responsible as he was and didn’t want to dirty his memory. All she would say was, why do you think he killed himself?’
The air is filled with whispered swear words and the name Sandringham. The mystery of why Sandringham drowned himself is over. I picture his beautiful bereaved girlfriend who still works in the prison. Billie’s poisonous reach is endless.
‘Quiet, please! Ms Harding, however, has said very little on the matter. Her Home Detention Curfew date is only a month away. She says if we get her out then, and find a place for her to live on tag, she’ll leave quietly and not tell a soul.’
The director stands quietly to allow this information to sink in. I can’t help but smile, which I cover with my arm. It’s a huge relief that I’m not responsible, and judging by Peabody’s flushed face, he feels the same.
But the gall of Billie! She knew she was pregnant before she came back and she let me stew. She must have blackmailed Sandringham, and done the same thing to Peabody and me. Maybe even Myerscough, too. Now she’s doing it to the director. She is front-page news if this gets out, which she knows. I hear the director’s leaving next year. I bet he’d rather this didn’t come out before then.
‘Rest assured,’ he says, ‘there will be a full internal investigation, but if the prisoner wants to keep it quiet, we will look to respect her wishes. I will need to speak to the Home Office and the police, obviously. A crime has been committed here. Whether it’s in the public interest to drag Sandringham’s family through a public hearing is debatable. Especially if Ms Harding refuses to cooperate. We can’t force her to tell us anything. After all, she’s the victim in this.’
My eyes widen at that. I catch Nasima looking at me. I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.
‘Anyway, be on your guard today. This news will spread like wildfire in here, and I’ve no idea how the inmates will react. It’s possible someone out there knows a different version of events. The gossip may force them to reveal their hand. Others might be angry or it might stir up troubling memories. Every ACCT book should have a meeting this morning. I knew Officer Sandringham well. My thoughts are that he wouldn’t seek out this clandestine affair, but we don’t know that for certain. If she did seduce him, it’s possible she did the same to others, so be alert. Does anyone have anything to add?’
I look around the room, shaking my head. When I reach Nasima, she’s still staring at me.
71
During the rest of the shift, Tex is quiet and distant. After dinner, I push the trolleys back to the kitchens with Kitty, who’s becoming a great orderly. I suspect nobody would risk messing up her floor. When we return to the hub area, Billie is wandering around as though she’s in a shopping mall.
‘What are you doing down here?’ I ask.
‘Looking for you. No one dare tell me off now. I thought I’d tell you that because of the pregnancy, I’ve had to have a sexual health check.’
At my horrified face, she presses her advantage.
‘I don’t want to catch that HIV thing again, cos that was really nasty.’
‘Back upstairs, immediately.’
I grab her arm and march her to the stairwell, but they are locked at this time of the day. I open the door and gesture for her to go up the stairs.
‘Hey, take it easy. I’m pregnant.’
‘Back to your wing, please.’
‘How did you feel when you found out it was Sandringham’s? Relieved, or maybe a little sad? Our kids would be gorgeous.’
‘Billie, stop it. Can’t you see how destructive your behaviour is? Look at the lives you’re wrecking.’
‘I didn’t tell him to kill himself, did I? I didn’t even know I was pregnant then. It’s a bit weird to think w
hen you and me were doing it, I already was. Anyway, I’m glad I bumped into you. I want a necklace. One of those locket ones, which you can put a picture in. Not too expensive, but something nice. Something around fifty quid should be fine.’
‘Billie, you’re off your head. I’m skint.’
‘Fifty quid won’t kill you. I just need something to remember you by. I’m never coming back to this place again. I know everyone says that, but I’ve been talking to Tara and Kitty. We’re going to pool our money and save for that salon. Tara will run the business cos she’s the smart one, but we’re all going to work there and be normal. I’m having a kid now, and there’s no fucking way I’m putting it in harm’s way by returning to jail. Tara and Kitty think the same. Birdies salon, open soon!’
She’s grinning, but I just point up the stairs.
‘Cheer up. Look, I’ve pulled this out of an old Argos catalogue. It’s less than fifty quid. You’ve got off lightly. Didn’t you get to have the best sex of your life with me? That’s cheap at the price you’re paying. Bring it in Friday. Isn’t that your last day?’
Jesus Christ. How the hell does she know that? I frogmarch her up the stairs, open the door at the top of the stairwell, and usher her through.
‘This is the last thing, Billie. No more, okay.’
She spins around and blows a kiss at me.
I close the door. Instead of going down the steps, I sit on the first one. That’s the problem with blackmailers. They don’t stop. Will I ever be free of Billie?
I focus on only being over here for two more days after today and stomp down the stairs. Odom’s coming into the houseblock with a prisoner in tow. His eyes light up when he sees me.
‘Good timing, Dalton. We’re flat out in Reception. Here’s a new arrival. Can you house her on the induction wing? She’ll need a single cell.’
He hands me her file, then turns to the inmate, who has a haughty expression on her face as if she’s never been anywhere so foul in all her life.
Prisoner Page 24