“Mom was a drama queen, Ezra. Swan diving off a pier in front of hundreds of people proved it. In her world, everything was bigger than life.”
“She drowned?”
“That’s what they say.”
He looks at me inquisitively.
“She fell off the Santa Monica Pier. But she knew how to swim,” I say softly. Other than Liddy, I’ve never talked about my mom’s “accident,” with anyone. “She was an all-state swimmer in high school.”
“That is dramatic.”
“Mom always had to have the last word, even when she knew she was wrong. She said she made sacrifices to stay in Los Angeles with us, but she was full of it.”
Ezra stares at me. He looks genuinely interested, and it makes my heart swell. “You all lived together?”
“Yeah. My grandparents died when Mom was fifteen. Liddy was nineteen. She raised her after that.”
Ezra runs a hand through his hair, closes his eyes, and tilts his face toward the sun. “You think she jumped?”
I drop my head, staring at the scrubby hillside. “Sometimes I think she just got tired of herself.”
“I can relate to that.”
“Whatever it was, she left us.”
Ezra scratches his cheek and adjusts his legs, fidgeting with a few dry blades of grass beneath him. “Is that why you flunked senior year?” He looks at me with what seems like sympathy.
“Before she died, I was a straight-A student. Afterward …” I sniff and face him. “Yeah.”
“That’s tough.”
“You must think I’m an ass,” I say, wiping a tear away.
“I don’t.” Ezra scoots closer and wraps an arm around my shoulder. Stiffly, he pulls me tightly against his side, dipping his head down to meet my eyes. Hair falls in his face, and he tucks it behind his ear, cocking his head sideways with a pensive smile. “There’s no one way to feel when someone dies. Be angry for as long as you need to, but then find a way to purge it from your system. It’s never good to hold grudges against the dead, Ruby. Trust me.”
I rub my nose against his shoulder, then push my face against his arm, into his checkered blue shirt. His reaction is surprisingly tender; he puts his hand on my head and gently combs his fingers through my hair.
“I’m such an idiot,” I mumble. “See why I hate talking about her?”
“It’s no crime to cry.” After a minute he lets go of me, putting about ten inches of space between us. “You okay now?”
“Yes, thank you. Still friends?”
Ezra smiles. “You’re awfully insecure for someone so pretty. Yes, Ruby. We’re still friends. Not for much longer, though, if you keep asking me stupid questions.”
“You think I’m pretty?”
“Not really.” He laughs. “But that’s what you tell a girl when you want her to feel better, right?”
Small rocks dot the scrubby soil. I grab one and playfully chuck it at him, then jump up and run along the river. Faster than a jet he catches up and grabs me, dragging me toward the bank, where he dangles me over the water. When I finally break free, shrieking like a warbler, I pull him down the slope. We land near a pile of boulders about an inch from the river.
“That was close.” I giggle.
“Not close enough.” He sits up forcefully, projecting me into a couple of inches of water. Deep laughter breaks from his chest, pitching him forward. He shakes his head and covers his mouth. “You’re wet,” he says, stifling his delight.
Half soaked, I jump up and kick water at him, spattering his long-sleeved shirt with droplets. I do my best to look perturbed, but the truth is, I feel … untethered.
“You suck!” I yell, laughing at the same time.
He stands up, wearing an amused smile that softens his scarred face and motions at me to come over. “I do, don’t I?”
Ezra raises the hem of his shirt, lifting it to wipe my face. As he mops water off my forehead, I catch a glimpse of his stomach. Smooth brown patches of distorted skin run in lengths up his sides, but the muscular contours between his pelvis and chest are still visible. When he’s through, he wipes water from my left eye with a thumb before stepping back, leaving his wet shirt half tucked above a large silver belt buckle.
“Good as new.”
“Th … thanks,” I stutter.
I suddenly feel nervous in this way that sends my stomach on a roller-coaster ride. But it’s Ezra standing in front of me, not Leo or Angel, so I don’t exactly understand why.
“You ready to go?” he asks.
“No. But I guess I should if I’m going to get back in time.”
Ezra holds out a hand and leads me up the bank to the cooler, where he teaches me how to clean my fish before we leave. As I pack up two newly gutted fish monsters to take home—a process I’ll never in a million years be able to get through on my own without puking—I remind him that he hasn’t told me why he dropped out of college.
“Can we save that for another day?” he asks quietly, looking off toward the mountains. “Like maybe next week?”
“Next week?”
“I’m going into Grants to pick up an order for a client out near El Morro. It’s incredible country. If you’ve never been, you should go.”
“Are you inviting me to come with you?” I ask awkwardly.
“Do you want to?”
“Um … all right?”
“I’m thinking of pitching a tent near the El Morro Monument Saturday night.”
“So … you want me to … camp with you?”
Ezra laughs. “If I only had a recorder.”
“I just … I’m not sure.”
“Look at me.” He points at his face. “You don’t have much to worry about. I think we both know that.”
“Ezra, that’s not it.”
“Do you want to go or not?” he snaps.
“Yes,” I snap back.
Ezra throws his fishing gear in the truck bed, shooting me a look before hopping into the cab. This time he doesn’t even open the door for me from the inside. When I climb up, he switches the radio to some dreadful country station. Except for his humming along, that’s pretty much that; not a word leaves his mouth until La Luna.
On Luna Street, Ezra pulls his truck up right behind my car. “I want to leave early,” he says. “It’s about a three-hour drive from here to Grants.”
“What should I bring?”
He pinches his lip, pulling at it so a little pocket of space forms near the upper corner. A square patch of white tooth gleams through the small cavern. Somehow, it makes him look both dreadfully vulnerable and unquestionably confident.
“I’ll bring everything we need. Wear something light, but bring something warm to sleep in.”
“Do you camp a lot?” Seasoned hiker aside, my skills don’t extend to surviving in the desert overnight.
He chuckles and nods. “My mother says I’m better suited to wilderness than society.”
“I feel that way sometimes when I’m up the mountain.”
Ezra’s intense eyes fall on my face. “You still hiking up to the ruin?”
“Yeah. I go up to sketch it.” That at least, is half true.
Ezra looks out the window, speaking to the street. “Be careful up there, Ruby.”
His concern surprises me. “I am. I will be.” Gathering my stuff, I open the car door. “I guess pick me up at my house Saturday morning.”
As I jump out, he coughs. “I’m glad you’re coming.”
“I’m glad you’re glad. I’m really looking forward to it.”
I take my fish and get out of Ezra’s truck, waving as he drives off. I smell like fish and river, and don’t have a whole lot of time to shower before dinner, which is maybe a good thing considering the company. But I do want a moment to straighten up. My catfish and I share a similar look, mottled and shiny.
Ten
In-Between
Angel’s Bronco is already in the driveway. As soon as I walk inside the house, I hear him laughi
ng with Liddy and Torrance in the kitchen.
“Ruby, is that you?” Liddy calls out. “You’re late.”
“Yep. Sorry.” I run into the kitchen and drop my package of fish on the counter, nodding hello at Angel and Torrance.
Liddy stares at me curiously, wrinkling her nose. “Where were you? I tried to call.”
“Fishing.”
“Fishing?” She chokes. “What the … no wonder you smell so funky.”
“Sorry, Lid. My cell phone barely gets reception outside of La Luna.”
Liddy rolls her eyes. “Ruby.” She takes a deep breath. “Just wash up and sit down.” She points to the sharply set table, accented by a huge salad and crusty loaf of bread, along with what looks like brisket. Brisket. She obviously really likes Torrance.
Torrance and Angel sit across from each other at the table. While I wash my hands, Torrance points to the lump of newspaper-wrapped fish on the kitchen counter. “Looks like you caught a few. What’d you get?”
I bite my thumbnail, trying to remember. “I think Ezra said I caught a catfish and a trout.” I toss the fish into the refrigerator. When I turn around, they’re all staring at me.
Torrance sits back in his chair. “Well, that’s quite a haul. Too bad you didn’t get here earlier. We could’ve fried ’em up.”
Angel chokes on his sentence before he gets it all out. “You went fishing with Ezra?”
Narrowing an eye, I focus it on him. “Don’t start.”
“I thought you were thinking about going into Las Vegas,” Liddy says.
“I was, but I ran into Ezra. He invited me to go fishing.” I nod at the brisket and pull the platter toward me as I sit, attempting to maneuver a big slice between the platter and my plate. “What’d you guys do?” I ask through a bite.
Angel and Torrance tag-team talk through dinner, sharing their day with a kind of verve that’s contagious. After we stuff ourselves, and I help Liddy clear the table, Liddy and Torrance retire to the living room to build a fire. Angel stays in the kitchen, insisting on helping me wash dishes.
“Don’t be annoyed.” I flick bubbles at him. “You promised you’d trust my judgment.”
“I’m not annoyed. Just surprised.” Angel snaps my back with the dishtowel. He holds up his fists in victory. “And he scores. Twenty points.”
“You sounded like it at dinner.”
“I guess I don’t understand the attraction—on either side.”
“You don’t understand why he’d want to hang out with me?”
“We’ve already gone through this. No, Ruby. I don’t. He doesn’t like anything. Especially not people.”
“You forget.” I wiggle my eyebrows at him. “I’m special.”
“Special needs, maybe.” He dumps the dishtowel by the sink and wraps his arms around my back. “Let’s go in the living room.”
Angel maneuvers my body down the short hall, plunking me down on the couch next to Torrance and Liddy. But trying to converse with either of them is pointless. They’re so absorbed in their own conversation they barely notice us.
After a while, Angel winks at me. “Want to go for a walk?”
“Yes, please. Just give me a sec to change.”
I run upstairs and quickly exchange my fish-infused clothes for something a little less rank, and we head through the back of the house, walking down to the stream. Overhead, the sky is filled with stars and because of the almost-full moon, saturated with light. It sweeps over boulders and water, illuminating them under a blanket of night.
I listen to Angel talk for a while, sitting on an outcrop of rocks by the bank while he tells me more about his father, Mick, and how Mick left for good when Angel was almost too young to remember. Angel makes it clear: Torrance has always been more like a father to him than anyone.
“Torrance seems like a really good guy,” I tell him.
“Yeah. He is. And he really likes her.” Angel nods back toward the house.
“Liddy? Did he tell you that?”
Angel doesn’t answer, but he smiles, his teeth glowing in the moonlight.
“I’m glad. Liddy deserves someone really special.”
“What about you?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you deserve someone special?”
“I haven’t taken care of my messed-up sister and her screwy daughter all my life. Liddy gave up a lot for us, including having her own family.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“I’m not sure I’ve earned the right to make that claim. I don’t ‘deserve’ anything yet.”
“You’re hard on yourself, you know that?”
“Yeah. Liddy tells me all the time.”
Angel stares quietly at the brook while I watch the sky, searching for shooting stars. When two fall at nearly the same time, I wish with all my might I can forgive my mother.
“You want to see a movie Tuesday?” Angel asks. “I have the day off. We could ride into Santa Fe after school. Or maybe Saturday, if that doesn’t work.”
“Tuesday sounds good. I’m going camping Saturday.”
Dammit. Of all the things to just blurt out.
“Camping? With Racine?”
My heart speeds up, anticipating Angel’s reaction. That it shouldn’t matter is another story. My brain and heart aren’t quite working together yet.
“With Ezra.”
Angel makes one of those almost funny confused faces. First, he jerks his head, then scrunches his nose, then sort of opens his mouth. He stands up and moves closer to me, then bends forward a little, grabbing a stone off the ground that he throws into the brook. “So what? Do you like him?”
“Yeah, he’s funny.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Oh. No. Of course not.”
But after the day we just shared, I sort of do. I just don’t understand it. Ezra is mean sometimes, especially when he feels cornered and goes on the attack. And he isn’t exactly handsome. But there’s something about him that overshadows all that.
“Angel …” I start, but the trees behind us rustle.
We both turn toward the sound. Angel holds his finger to his lips and shushes me.
Suddenly, a smudge behind a tree about sixty feet from the bank leaps into the open, morphing into a mountain lion. It stops and sits perfectly still, looking up at something unseen by our human eyes. Beneath the moon, its fur gleams as if polished by starlight.
“Don’t move,” Angel whispers.
The lion lingers near the tree long enough for me to appreciate its size. It’s broad and long-limbed, and its muscled haunches ripple as it sways in place, mesmerized by whatever it sees in the treetops. It’s so close. Close enough that under moonlight, I can see its dappled peach nose and haunting mustard eyes. Close enough to see its long white whiskers saluting the night.
Angel and I sit motionless, Angel’s hand on my wrist to steady me. But I’m not scared as much as spellbound. Not until the lion’s eyes turn down from the sky and settle on us. Then my breath hitches, sending my heart into an unsteady, dizzying rhythm.
“Don’t look away,” Angel says between his teeth. “Don’t turn your head. They won’t attack from the front.”
I stare at the lion, caught in a standoff. For a moment, it doesn’t blink or even move. Then it takes several steps forward, maintaining eye contact. By the time it’s close enough for me to really start worrying, I’m convinced I’m going to have a heart attack.
“I think it wants to eat me,” I whisper.
“If it gets any closer …”
“We run.”
“No, Ruby. We stand up and throw rocks and yell. Spread yourself out wide so you look big. We’ll lock arms, so we seem like one person. All right?”
Angel slowly grabs my hand and pulls our arms out like we’re flying. He steps away from me a bit, creating a void between our bodies. Then he uses his toe to shuffle rocks my way, close to my feet.
“If it gets
any closer, you run.”
“What about you?”
“Just do it.”
The lion stands its ground, staring me down like a couple days’ worth of dinner. Finally, it breaks eye contact. It opens its huge mouth, baring teeth the size of Liddy’s stilettos, and yawns. The lion seems so bored by our display, it makes me laugh. I cover my mouth and try to stifle hysterical giggles.
As I stand with my hand welded to my mouth, the lion gives me the once-over. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, it turns toward the trees and lopes off.
“Come on.” Angel pulls my hand and dashes for the house.
I react like an automaton, running like the wind until we’re inside. Past the door, I start hyperventilating. Crouching down on the kitchen floor, I try putting my head between my knees but lose my balance.
Angel drops down on the floor beside me and starts laughing. “You okay there?”
“Am I conscious?”
“That was a big sucker.”
“I think it’s the same one we saw before.”
“I think you’re right.”
“That’s the third time I’ve seen it, Angel.”
He nods. “We should call the BLM and have them send out a conservation officer.”
“To trap it?”
Angel scoots behind me and rubs my shoulders. “If they can find it, yes. They’ll tranquilize it and move it to an unpopulated area. But until we get someone out here, do me a favor and stay in the house after dark.”
“You don’t need to convince me, officer. I really thought I was going to be its evening meal. I almost had a heart attack.”
Angel drops his chin on my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure you’ll live.”
“I totally owe you.”
“You do, don’t you.” His smile is clear in his voice. “It’s settled then; we’ll go to the movies after school on Tuesday. You can buy me a bucket of popcorn for starters.”
Eleven
Really, Real, Reality
“You’re seriously going camping with Ezra?” Ashley asks, waving her corn dog around in the air.
“She also has a date with Angel after school today and a date with Leo on Thursday,” Marta adds, tapping her long fingernails on the wooden lunch table.
Between Wild and Ruin Page 12