Eventually, Racine notices. After tiptoeing around me half the week, she finally corners me on the high school’s front quad.
“Everyone’s talking about what a drag you are, Ruby,” she rolls out, exaggerating the word “everyone” in this way that hints she just means herself.
As she speaks, the wind sends skeletal leaves dancing across the dying grass. A small branch clings to my foot, and I mumble as I kick it off. “I hope you told ’em all about my long, checkered past—you know, my history of homicide, and assault, and robbery.”
She wrinkles her nose. “I left the assault part out, sorry.”
We laugh at the same time, and for a fleeting moment everything feels normal.
Racine sighs and turns her big blue eyes on me. “What gives?”
“It’s almost my birthday. First one without Mom. I’m just … sad, I guess.”
“Everyone thinks it’s Ezra.”
“Everyone?”
“Well, you know. The girls. And Giovanni.”
“Well, it’s not.”
Racine shifts her backpack from one shoulder to another. “Marta saw you guys fighting in front of Margarita’s Sunday.”
“Oh, that.”
After I read Ezra Mom’s letter, pouring my heart out while he listened, I unsuccessfully tried to kiss him in front of Margarita’s. Saying he’s shy about displaying his feelings for me in public is an understatement. He’d been snappy about it, and given where my heart is, my head went on an insecurity bender.
“Whatever.” I shrug nonchalantly. “It was nothing.”
Racine gives me a look. “Well, if you feel like talking.”
“Just tell everyone it’s not Ez. We’re fine.” As if on cue, Ezra’s truck pulls up in front of the school, idling across the street.
“Speaking of,” Racine mutters.
“Want a ride?”
“Nah. I’m waiting for Giovanni.”
“All right. Be good.” I kiss her cheek and walk backward to Ezra’s truck, waving at Giovanni, headed toward us across the quad.
She grins. “I’ll try.”
As Ezra pulls away from the curb, I stick my tongue out at Racine through the window. Ezra turns onto the frontage road, smiling quietly to himself while he drives slowly through the pass.
“What?” I push a finger against his rib cage, twisting playfully.
He snorts. “Sometimes I forget you’re in high school.”
“I’m just trying to ease some tension.” Leaning over, I kiss his scarred cheek. “Racine says I’m being kind of mental.”
“It’s nice to see you smile. It’s been a few days.”
“Liddy won’t be home until six,” I tell him, ignoring what I know is an invitation to talk about the letter again. “Come over for a while?”
“I thought you had to study.”
“I’d rather study you.” I grin.
Ezra pulls up my driveway but leaves the truck running when I move to get out.
“Aren’t you coming in?” I ask.
“I still have a few really big units to finish up before the holidays.”
“What’s more important?” I smile sweetly. “Your stinking orders, or me?”
The question isn’t fair. His work is important—almost therapeutic. He’s so good at restoring things. I know that. I just really want to be with him right now.
Sighing, Ezra swiftly turns the engine off and jumps out of his truck, trudging behind me into the house. After I drop my backpack in the hall, he tosses his hat on a chair and grabs me around the waist, pulling me up against him. He kisses me gently and maneuvers me toward the couch, plunking me down. “Tell me about your day.”
“You sure you want to know?”
He smiles sweetly, so differently from just moments ago. “I always want to know.”
Ezra’s lap makes a comfortable pillow. I lay my head back and kick my feet up on the arm of the couch, wiggling my purple socks at him. “I’m swamped with French homework. Ms. Lisset’s class is a nightmare. You had her, didn’t you?”
I look up at him. From some angles, he looks almost perfect; I can’t even see his scars.
“Yeah. And I never forgot a single word of French. Between that and Spanish, my college language requirement was a breeze.” He caresses my hair, brushing a strand across my forehead. “How are Las Gallinas?” he asks affectionately.
“They’ve been all right. But apparently, I’m driving everyone crazy.”
“No,” he says, his voice laced with sarcasm.
I swing a pillow toward his head, barely cuffing him. “You’re lucky I’m so forgiving.”
“No, I’m just lucky.” He walks his fingers slowly up and down my bare arm, sending chills through my body.
“Ez, I’m sorry if it seems like I’m in a bad mood all of the time lately.”
“Seems? I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but you’re not exactly subtle, Ruby.” He looks down at my face, tracing my lips with a finger. “Your birthday’s in a few days, first one without your mom … the letter … I get it. Must feel like you’re just going through the motions.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “It does.”
“Do you want to talk more about the letter?” He smiles meekly.
“No. Not really. Now that I know it probably wasn’t an accident, I guess I’m just extra mad she left. But at least I’m not alone.” I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck. “I have you.”
Ezra kisses me, letting his lips linger on mine. When he pulls away, he says, “You do, Ruby. For now.”
“For always.”
“Everything’s fleeting,” he answers matter-of-factly. “Everyone leaves, eventually.”
“I hate it when you do that.” I hate it especially because a huge part of me fears he’s right. Besides knowing I’m in love with him—even if I haven’t said it yet—I’m beyond tired of holding my breath. For once, I just want to exist without needing to examine my life, to be okay without questioning if I’m doing everything right.
Ezra runs a calloused palm up my wrist to my shoulder, moving on to trace my collarbone with a fingertip. His finger travels up my neck, under my chin, and then slowly down to my neckline beneath my shirt, raising goose bumps that make me shiver.
I sit up and lay my hands flat on his chest, pushing him back against the couch. “You think you can just charm me with that finger of yours and everything will be okay?”
“I hope so.” He grins.
Climbing on top of him, I pin his body to the cushions. “Kiss me again,” I demand.
Ezra wraps a hand around the back of my neck. He pulls me forward, holding my face just a fraction from his own, so close his features blur. He holds me there suspended, waiting, and then raises his head to kiss me.
The kiss is intense; he tugs at the loops on my blue jeans, pulling me to him as he runs a hand under my shirt against my bare sides. Every little baby hair on my body stands at attention. In a flash, I yank my shirt over my head, tossing it off to the side of the couch. We haven’t made it much past kissing, so I’m not sure how far he wants to go, but I tug at his shirt anyway, brushing against his chest as I bunch it over his stomach.
Despite a fair amount of scarring, Ezra has an incredible body. It’s lean, and long, and defined by muscle in all the right places. No amount of damage masks how genetically gifted he is. Yet when I touch him, tracing a finger to the hollow in his neck, he winces.
“Hey,” I whisper. “You’re beautiful.” I try tugging his shirt over his shoulders, but he grabs at the fabric as it leaves his head, yanking it back.
For a brief second, before he pulls his shirt down, my eyes wander over his stomach, and broad chest, and defined arms, stalling at what looks like ink on his left shoulder.
“Is that a tattoo?” Ezra never wears short sleeve shirts. I’ve never seen his arms above his elbows.
Ezra nods and tries pushing me off him.
Resisting, I pull at his shirt. “What is it? Let me see.”
“Nothing,” he answers breathlessly.
“It can’t be ‘nothing.’”
“Ruby.” He sits up brusquely. “Stop it.”
I push him back against the cushions. “You’re a tease.”
“I mean it.” He sits up again, locking my hands in a vice grip.
I freeze, confused by his sudden about-face. “Ezra, let go. You’re hurting me.”
Ezra inhales like the weight of the universe just fell on his shoulders. He briskly lets go of my wrists. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” I squeak.
He pushes me off his lap and stands up, almost knocking me out of the way. “Have sex with you.”
“Who said anything about having sex?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.
Ezra stares down at me like I’ve suddenly contracted anthrax.
“If you don’t think I’m attractive, then tell me,” I choke out, feeling exposed. “But if it’s you, Ez, I mean, if you think I’m not attracted to you, you’re wrong.”
He stares up at the ceiling, at the lounger in the corner near the fireplace, down the hall, but he won’t meet my eyes. Looking tortured, he wraps his arms protectively around his body and walks out the front door without so much as a goodbye.
My heart thumps so hard it threatens to rip from my chest in a blaze of angry glory. Watching him walk away makes me so mad, I want to rip his heart out and chuck it at his face just to watch it splatter. “The only thing freakish about you,” I shout out the door after him, “is your attitude! God, Ezra, why would anyone want you?”
After I slam the door shut, I start sobbing. His rejection, which has more to do with his own self-esteem than me, I’m sure, feels like bricks crushing my heart. I cry for a long time, curling into a tight ball on the corner of the couch. Until Liddy nudges my shoulder, and I open my eyes.
Outside, it’s dark, and I feel number than my leg, which has stopped feeling anything twisted like it is beneath my body.
“Hey,” Liddy shakes my arm. “Wake up, love. We’ve got company.”
My heart skips before I realize she just means Torrance. “Muhumph,” I grumble, throwing an arm across my eyes. “Tell him I’m dead or something.”
“You’ve looked better.” She pulls my arm off my face, tugging me into a sitting position.
“Liddy,” I whine, “why are you so mean to me?”
“I’m your aunt. It’s my duty.”
Liddy drags me to the bathroom, sitting me down on the toilet seat. She wets a washcloth with warm water and wipes my eyes. The same thing she’s always done when I’m upset since, like, birth.
“Is it the letter?” she asks softly. “I know it’s been bugging you.”
“Everyone leaves.”
“What?”
“Everyone leaves. That’s what he told me.”
“Ezra?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if he can’t see how lucky he is, then good riddance. Anyway, he’s wrong. You’re stuck with me forever.” Liddy talks tough, but she smiles sympathetically.
“Why can’t it be easy?” I whisper.
Liddy crouches down and wraps her arms around me. “You’re a rebel, love. You defy convention. You don’t suddenly want it all handed to you on a platter now, do you?”
“I wouldn’t mind a guidebook or something,” I sniffle.
“Isn’t that one of the reasons you like Ezra so much? Because he’s a puzzle? And not particularly conventional in just about every way I can think of?”
“I like him because I like him. It feels right, Liddy. I feel right. If you think I like him because he’s a pain in the ass … jeez.”
Liddy smiles, brushing hair off my shoulder. “You’ve always been drawn to a challenge. It wouldn’t surprise me if that was just a little part of your interest in him.”
“I shouldn’t have to justify my reasons for loving someone,” I snap.
She inhales sharply. “You love him?”
“I don’t know,” I choke. “I’m just saying.”
Liddy stands up, looking down at me affectionately. “If only Sera were here.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve never really had a boyfriend. She’d sure as hell be sorry, she missed it.”
“She’d probably say I have bad judgment, or low standards, or something else totally stupid.” I sigh and stand up. “I doubt she’d be sorry though. If either of us mattered at all, she’d still be here.”
“Sweetheart,” Liddy sighs, “we don’t know that.”
“Don’t we?” I frown down at the floor. “Liddy, Ezra thinks it’s impossible for me to love him because of his face. We were …” I bite my lip, quickly mulling whether or not to tell her the truth. “We were fooling around, and I tried to take off his shirt, and he completely lost it. He walked out.”
Liddy puts her hand on her hips, striking a formidable pose. “I hope you kicked him in the ass on the way out.”
The tiled floor spreads out below me into squares that turn into four-squares that turn into rectangles. “He left before I could.”
“Don’t second-guess yourself. Let him know how you feel. But don’t let him treat you like shit either. You hear me?”
She holds her hand out. I take it, following her from the bathroom toward the kitchen. “Mom’s letter really screwed me up. I’m confused about things I thought I understood. Especially when it comes to my heart. It’s like I want to be with him so badly I feel like I’d give up everything. And on the other hand, I’m so afraid to let him in, I think I do things to sabotage us. It makes no sense. Seriously, I feel like I barely know myself at all anymore.”
“You’re good at reading other people, love. But you’ve always limited your own introspection to a comfort zone. It’s time you took an honest look at yourself. If being with Ezra helps you do that, then that’s something.” Liddy shakes my arm encouragingly. “Now come on, I stopped in Santa Fe after work and brought us all sushi and an early birthday cake.”
“Torrance eats sushi?”
“Shhh!” She smacks my behind. “He’s not as small-town as you think.”
“I’m not what?” Torrance looks up from the countertop in the kitchen, where he’s putting little pieces of colorful fish out on a plate.
“A Neanderthal,” I mumble.
“Oh.” He nods. “Which one of you took my side?”
“Me.” Liddy raises her hand.
Torrance chuckles and places a platter of sushi on the table, motioning for me to sit down. “Just remember, my cuffs are in the truck, Ruby.”
Over dinner, I fake smile and try to follow along while Torrance and Liddy talk about work and the university over dinner, but I can’t think about anything but Ezra. Earlier, he switched from hot to cold so quickly. Maybe he really is that insecure, but my gut says there’s more to the story.
Our fight keeps me up all night. The next morning it takes a full pot of coffee, a double dose of Pop-Tarts, and a bag of Cheetos to save me—just barely—from missing first period. At school, people stare as I wind my way down the main hall. They gawk like I’ve transformed from Ruby Brooks into a zombie. And I do look pretty horrible, but seriously.
The weirdness continues until lunch, when Marta corners me in the cafeteria line. “I’m so sorry, Ruby,” she says in a breathy rush. “I had no idea.”
“About?” I frown.
She grips my hand, staring at me with an expression that makes my stomach turn.
“That you’ve been such a pain?” I smile, only half joking.
“Yes.”
“Seriously?”
“It all makes sense now.”
“Did somebody slip you a roofie?” As she hovers over me, everyone in line stares. “Marta,” I snap. “You’re creeping me out.”
“You should have told us about your mom. I feel like such a bitch now.”
“My mother?” I look over at Racine, who is waiting for us at the register, watching me sti
ffly. Totally without my permission, my eyes start to water.
In my mind, I rip Marta’s hand from my wrist, flailing my arm in the air wildly while I shout, It’s none of your business! But as surprised and hurt as I am, all I manage is a weak, “I’m sorry.”
Across the cafeteria, Racine shakes her head at me. She looks worried, but before she has any kind of chance to intervene, I rush out of the cafeteria, no doubt leaving Marta to wonder why I’m always so mental.
“Ruby!” Racine catches up with me halfway down the main hall. “Where are you going?”
“To the nearest bridge. Know of any?”
She jumps in front of me and grabs my shoulders, bowing her head to catch her breath. “Look, I just heard about it myself on the way to lunch. I know what you’re thinking. But I swear I didn’t tell anyone.”
“You heard about it? That’s why everyone’s staring at me like I’m a freak show today?” I shake my head at a row of lockers. “If you didn’t say anything, Ray, who did?”
“I have an idea.” She walks alongside me toward the door to the front quad. “If you just hold up a minute, I’ll find out.”
I feel like a drama queen, but the pressure in my chest has me spinning. If I don’t leave soon, I know I’ll do something crazy. “People already think I’m a nutcase for dating Ezra,” I rush out.
“Screw them if they don’t know better. They don’t know you, Ruby.”
“Blah.” I drop my head in my hands and leave it there for emphasis.
“I understand you want to keep your life private. But now that it’s not, show them what you’re made of. I mean, look how you’ve put your foot down with Ezra.”
“How I put my foot down with Ezra?” I should put my foot down on Ezra.
“You knew what you wanted and went for it, even though everyone warned you.”
“This is different.”
“It’s not. You didn’t kill your mother. Things happen. Act like you know it, and everyone else will.” Racine pulls me to a stop near the front entrance. “Look, just wait here a minute, okay? I’ll be back.”
Between Wild and Ruin Page 20