Ezra runs a palm over my head, softly over my hair. “I’m not running. When I come back, I promise you’ll understand why I left.”
I glare at him. “What if when you do, I don’t care anymore?”
“Don’t do that.” He frowns. “Don’t give me an ultimatum. I won’t choose the way you want me to.”
I try to stare Ezra down, but he won’t look away. His eyes are hard and dark, and I know he means business. “Staying isn’t an option,” he warns me.
“How did we go from being naked and in love to breaking up?” I sniffle, holding in a sob.
Ezra throws his hands up at his sides. “We’re not breaking up!”
“Yet.”
“Not ever, if I can help it! Jesus, Ruby, don’t be so dramatic.”
“Me? Right, because you’re just this even-keeled guy, Ezra.”
Ezra stands up and turns away from me. He nods, then opens the bedroom door, stepping out into the hallway.
“What are you doing?” I yell at his back.
“Leaving.”
“Ez, wait! Please.” Sullenly, I follow him out of my room and trail him into the living room, then to the front door. Outside, my bare feet on the wood porch steps remind me it’s freezing. “I really hate you right now.”
Ezra places his hands on my cheeks. “I know you do. But I really love you. And I need you to believe we’ll make it. I need you to want to.”
“If I don’t?”
He shakes his head. “Please, Ruby. You have to.”
I close my eyes. Because how am I supposed to respond? My brain is still back in my bedroom, processing. All I know for sure is that I am completely, irrevocably heartbroken. “When you try, you’re the kindest person,” I plead. “Whatever mistakes you made we can get through them together. Don’t go away. You belong here with me, Ezra, in La Luna.”
His eyes flare, and I swear they turn a deeper shade of purple. “Stay away from the ruin while I’m gone.”
“Ezra, I mean it.”
Ezra scrubs his face and looks toward the mountains. “So do I.”
“Did you even hear me?”
“Ruby,” he says coolly, “you can’t help me.”
I smash my teeth together, trying so hard to stare him down it makes me dizzy. “Why don’t you just come out and say it then—this isn’t working. You don’t want to be with me.”
“I won’t say it because it isn’t true! But that doesn’t matter because no matter what I tell you, you refuse to listen.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing hard while he pulls himself together.
“Bullshit!” I bark. “You’re so full of excuses.”
Ezra drops his head. “Just stay away from the ruin.”
“You can’t tell me what to do, Ezra, especially now,” I insist.
He steps down onto the walkway. “Promise me!” he nearly shouts.
“Fine!” I shout back at him.
Ezra wavers on the gravel, swaying forward like he wants to reach out to me. Finally, he takes my hand and pulls me into a bear-hug. I bury my face in his chest, trying to hold in my sob, then break out of his arms, making for the door so he won’t see me blubber. Without hesitating, I run inside, slamming it shut before he has any kind of chance to change his mind.
Eighteen
Forest for the Trees
Monday is like a black cloud following me around school, raining constantly. Everyone has an opinion about Ezra’s job in Las Cruces. Ashley acts like it’s no big deal, but not Racine. She says as much when Marta mouths off about it during lunch.
“Did you just defend him?” Racine snaps, flicking breadcrumbs at Marta.
“All I said is that Ezra leaving isn’t the end of the world. It’s not like you guys are married.” Marta shakes her head at me. “You can be really pushy, Ruby. I totally get why he needs his space.”
Racine licks her lips. “So, it wouldn’t bother you if your boyfriend ran off after you stripped naked and told him you loved him?”
“I told him I love him before I stripped,” I mumble.
Marta snorts. “I’m just saying, he has commitment issues. He never was a lovey-dovey sort of guy. So yeah, you probably totally freaked him out. He asked you not to go up to that stupid ruin, and you did anyway, and then he had to carry your ass down a mountain. I’m sure he thinks you’re mental. Anyway, if he really loves you,” she looks right at me, “he’ll get over it.”
Marta is thousands of miles from being the kind of person I’d normally take advice from. And I really want to knock her out just to see her stupid head hit the floor. But I’ve been telling myself pretty much the same thing since Ezra left yesterday.
I chew on my lip, picking at my salad. “He’s leaving for Las Cruces tonight. I called him and talked him into meeting me at Margarita’s after school to say goodbye,” I say, more to myself than anyone. “Maybe he’ll change his mind.”
Marta purses her lips together, smiling snidely. “If you’re so sure he loves you, why stress? He’ll leave and come back. End of story.”
Because nothing’s made sense since my mother died. “Because what I know and what Ezra thinks don’t always coincide. Why are you all giving me such a hard time about it?”
“Because you’re whining.” Marta flips her hair, shrugging me off.
“Because we’re worried about you,” Racine corrects her.
I drop my head in my arms. Lunch is turning into my own personal grumble-fest and I feel despicable.
“Just let things ride.” Ashley pats my head. “If Ezra’s cool, he’ll do what’s right.”
Marta and Ashley nod simultaneously. Racine chews on a nail, looking out the cafeteria window at the quad. But she keeps her mouth shut until after school, when she corners me near the flagpole.
“You’re going to meet him now?” she asks, tapping her toe on the nearly frozen ground.
“That’s the plan,” I sigh.
“Ruby, I think it’s fair to question this one. I agree. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Are you saying that you don’t think he’s a horrible guy? Or that you think he’s up to something?”
“Both. I think he loves you. But that he doesn’t know his mind. Whatever it is, you shouldn’t have to settle for sitting on the sideline.”
I can’t help smiling. “I’m not crazy?”
“You’re totally crazy.” She wrinkles her nose. “But I also understand why.” Her smile grows as she reaches out to hug me. “Call me later and tell me how it went?”
“I will,” I promise.
Racine’s support gives me the push I need to hop on a bus to Margarita’s. At the diner, I go straight inside, early but anxious to meet Ezra. Just before four, Angel stops in. Except for my bomb of a birthday the other night, I haven’t seen much of him since Marta’s party. We haven’t really talked, and I miss him. He’s definitely a sight for sore eyes. But it isn’t the greatest timing.
“Hey, you.” He smiles down the aisle after Daisy hands him a Styrofoam cup of coffee. “Glad to see you’re among the land of the living. What’s up?”
“I’m meeting Ezra in a few minutes.” I check my cell phone, double-checking the clock on the wall.
“I just stopped in for a caffeine fix. I’m still on duty,” he scowls. “Chuck called in late. Bastard.”
“Good ole Chuck.” I smile. Chuck is the master of tardy. He almost always throws a kink in someone’s, usually Angel’s, night.
“So, how are you feeling? Torrance said docs gave you a clean bill of health.”
“Okay. I mean, the damage isn’t too bad. Two plus two is still six, right?”
Angel laughs. “I’ve really missed you, Ruby.”
“We haven’t talked much since Marta’s party.”
“No, we haven’t. Want to grab a cup of coffee this week?” he asks, looking hopeful.
“That sounds great.”
Angel holds up his coffee cup, saluting me before making his way back to the station. I check my p
hone again. Four-ten. Where is Ezra?
At four-thirty, I call him. Ezra’s phone rings forever before rolling to voicemail. When it does, I have no idea what to say. My emotions are a jumble of anger, worry, relief, and despondence, and before I settle on one, I push the little red button on my phone cutting his voice off mid-sentence. At five-thirty, I lay my head on the table and don’t look up again until someone slips into the booth beside me.
“Hey,” Angel says. “I saw you through the window. Where’s Ezra?”
“I think he stood me up,” I tell the table.
“I’m off now if you want company.”
My head is like a boulder, but I lift it anyway, for Angel’s sake. “I’d like that.”
“He probably got held up or something.”
“He better have literally been held up.”
Angel raises an eyebrow as he looks down at me. “What’s going on, Ruby?”
The minute he asks, I start crying. “Hey.” He winds an arm around my shoulder. “I’m sure he’s fine.”
“I wanted to say goodbye,” I sniffle.
“Goodbye?”
“He’s leaving to take some job in Las Cruces. Didn’t you hear?”
“What? No?” He squeezes me tighter. “How long will he be gone?”
“I don’t know, awhile? But he’s going because of me. I’m sure of it. And I had this idea I’d talk him out of it tonight.”
“Maybe that’s why he didn’t show.”
“Because he can’t resist me?” I snort.
“If you were mine, I’d have a hard time leaving. If I could even do it, I’d definitely have to slink off into the night.”
I sniff at the image of Ezra slinking. “Nice try.”
Angel throws an arm over the booth, pulling a knee up on the seat before pivoting toward me. “So, he’s a jerk. But you already knew that. Better?”
“Much.”
“I’m sure he’ll call later, Ruby. Even we jerks get to feeling guilty after a while.”
“We?”
He shrugs sheepishly. “Well?”
“You mean because of Marta’s party?”
He nods.
“Angel, you helped carry me down the freaking mountain on Saturday.” I try to smile. “I think we’re even.”
“Still friends then?” He shoots me a lopsided grin.
“Of course. Always.” I rub my face, take a breath, and squeeze his hand.
“Don’t worry about it.” Angel nudges my shoulder. “It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”
“How’s your mom?” I ask, deliberately changing the subject.
“Swamped. I’m going into Santa Fe Saturday to help. You should come along.”
“Maybe.”
Angel cocks his head. Even after Daisy sets a cup of coffee in front of him, he keeps his head askew, staring at me.
“What?” I ask.
“I mean it. That I want you to come with me.”
“Okay, I’ll come.”
Angel sits back in his seat, clearly satisfied. After ordering a burger, he tells me about all the criminal complaints that came into the station over the weekend, dramatizing the details. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the town is a cesspool of flashers, thieves, and arsonists. Outside the window, the trees sway with the wind. I watch them while he talks. Then I spot Leo standing perfectly still on the sidewalk across the street, bathed in incandescent streetlight. I blink, and like that he’s gone—if he ever was there to begin with.
Angel elbows me. “Ruby, are you listening?”
“Outside,” I say to the window, pushing a finger against the pane almost desperately.
Angel leans over me across the seat. He cranes his neck from one side of Margarita’s to the other and shrugs, looking at me with inquiring eyes. “I don’t see anything.”
“I thought I saw Leo.”
“Who?”
“Forget it.”
Leo. Why am I thinking about Leo?
Because it’s six-fifteen. You’re pissed at Ezra. He definitely stood your ass up.
“I’m in love with Ezra,” I blurt out. “And I wish I wasn’t.”
Angel chokes on his water, coughing when it catches in his throat. “Which is worse?” he rasps, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
I tap my nails on the table, then bite one, thinking. “You mean loving him? Or not wanting to love him?”
“Right.”
“Not wanting to, definitely.”
Angel cranes his head, looking at me thoughtfully. “My mom is fond of telling me I shouldn’t wish for something I don’t really want.”
“How do you know I don’t mean it?”
“Knowing you? If you didn’t want to love him, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t.”
“It’d be easier.” I sigh.
“Easy isn’t better.”
“Are you taking his side?” I ask incredulously.
“No. If I had things my way, you’d be mine already.”
Surprised by his honesty, I squeeze his arm. “I really miss you, Angel. You’re a good friend. The best, seriously.”
“Thanks,” he says quietly. Grabbing my bill off the table, he averts his eyes. “Let’s get you home. It’s getting dark out.”
“But what if he shows up and I’m not here?” I whimper.
Angel grimaces. We both know Ezra isn’t coming. I’m dangerously close to being, That Girl in Denial.
Angel pays both our bills and pushes me out of Margarita’s, wrapping an arm around my waist while he maneuvers me to his Bronco. He starts the engine, switches on the heater, and pulls off his gloves. “Things always look brighter in the morning. Even when you’re minus your Prince Charming.”
“More like Dr. Jekyll,” I mutter.
“Play the game, Ruby. He’ll come running back when he sees you’ve got the ball.”
I throw my hands up, exasperated. “This isn’t football. And if he’s testing me, he can shove it.” Except Ezra isn’t testing me—I feel it. Something much bigger is going on. And despite Ezra’s aptitude for being a jerk, I realize in bed later that it isn’t at all like him to stand me up. One thing he isn’t, is a coward.
The next day, worried Ezra is lying paralyzed in his workshop or pinned under a bookshelf in his living room, I skip school and trek over to his house. I haven’t been there before and take my time walking up his long gravel driveway. Ezra’s truck is gone, and a few newspapers litter his front porch. The doors are all locked, the shades are drawn, and he doesn’t answer when I knock. Except for a basketball and a half-full can of flat Dr Pepper sitting on his driveway, the whole place looks abandoned.
After an excruciating week passes without a word, I finally break down and call him again. “Whether you meant to or not, you got me,” his voice taunts when the call rolls over to voicemail. Well, I did mean to, I think bitterly. But I don’t “got” you.
My head is a jumble of emotions. I mumble something about trust, and how it’s okay that he left, and how I love him. But I feel like a total wuss afterward. The smart thing would have been to give him a piece of my mind—put his voicemail in its place like a gutsy girl would.
“Hey, love!” Liddy calls out from the kitchen after I hang up the phone. “Come sit. Your dinner is getting cold.”
Shuffling to the table, I drop into a chair and stare darts at the chicken on my plate, still roiling inside.
“What’s up? Still bummed about your birthday?” Liddy reaches across the dinner table, grabbing a plate of asparagus while she motions at me peripherally.
Torrance catches my eye, looking between Liddy and me. He knows. I know he knows because of the way he’s treated me all week—with kid gloves.
I push a baby potato around my plate, dragging it through a swirl of garlic and butter. “I miss Ezra,” I tell Liddy blankly. “He’s gone.”
“Where’d he go?”
“Beats me,” I shrug.
Liddy furrows her otherwise smooth brow.
“
He took a job in Las Cruces,” Torrance tells her.
“That so?” I ask him.
“That’s what you told Angel, isn’t it?” he says.
“I wish you wouldn’t conspire behind my back,” I snap. “You’re not my father.”
Torrance smiles apologetically at the same time Liddy chokes on her food. “Ruby!” she coughs out, “That was totally uncalled for!”
“But true,” Torrance acknowledges. “You’re right, Ruby. And I’m not trying to be. Although I have your back regardless.”
Liddy looks both annoyed and concerned, which makes me feel guilty. “I’m sorry.” I push my plate away and drop my arms and chin on the table. “I’m cranky. Torrance is right. He took a job in Las Cruces restoring an old church.”
Liddy frowns. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I answer into the table, turning my face down so my forehead meets the wooden surface. “Between my birthday and Ezra leaving, I feel like a loser.” I peek up at her. “We were supposed to meet before he left, but he never showed. He didn’t even call to say goodbye.”
“Oh.” Liddy suddenly looks a bit moody herself. “That’s lousy.”
“Are you sure he left?” Torrance knits his brow.
“He isn’t answering my calls. And he isn’t home. I assume. Why?”
“I swear I saw him in Villanueva Thursday at the woodlot.”
Ezra usually drives into Villanueva to buy wood when he starts a project. But that would mean he stood me up and lied about leaving. And, I guess, decided to avoid me as well.
Liddy bites her lip. They both look at me sympathetically, waiting to see if I’ll fall to pieces at the table. I drop my head back into the little cavern I’ve created and mumble incoherently.
“Sweetheart.” Liddy reaches over and strokes my hair. “I’m sure he has his reasons.”
Right. Like he doesn’t give a crap. Or he really is the deceitful jerk everyone warned me about. Or he’s hiding something. Actually, that one’s a no-brainer. Ezra is definitely hiding something.
After dinner, Torrance joins me on the couch in the living room while Liddy puts a pot of tea on, loudly scrounging for cookies in the kitchen.
“Liddy’s right,” he tells me. “Ezra’s not stupid. I’m sure he had his reasons.”
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