“Would it be better if we just sat on the porch then?”
“No,” I mumble. “Let’s just go inside.”
Ezra holds out his hand, dropping it when I walk past him into the foyer. Inside the house, an exquisite hand-carved archway crisscrosses the ceiling. Tiny flowers, and trees, and corn maidens leap from its surface, turning the entry into a wonderland.
I point at the beam and spiral around. “Did you do that?”
“No. My dad did.”
Ezra almost looks proud. He leads me into a living room filled with pieces of furniture from every era—full of mismatched chairs, and arm tables, and cabinets someone painstakingly restored. In one corner, near a window, an ornately detailed cabinet fills the wall. I go to it, running my fingers over polished mahogany.
“That one’s mine.” He smiles. “It was on its last legs when I found it.”
“It’s beautiful.”
He pats an old restored sofa, then sits down in an antique chair beside it. “There’s really no easy way to begin,” he says.
“To put it mildly.”
“I love you. That’s the most important part—though I know you need more.”
I nod, waiting for him to go on.
He leans back in his seat, stiffly crossing one leg over the other. “Outside of my family, I’ve never talked about it.”
“The Peñas, your family, are they witches?” I ask softly. I’ve been so busy being angry that Ezra lied to me, I haven’t given much thought to why he lied. It never occurred to me that he may have been the guy everyone hated in high school because he was different. That maybe it wasn’t easy keeping his secrets secret.
“No,” he sniffs.
“Shifters?”
Ezra grimaces and twists in his chair. His face contorts, and as he stares at me, his eyes change colors; dark purple seeps from his pupils, spreading through his irises, turning his golden eyes lilac.
“Your eyes,” I murmur, startled.
“The Peñas have lived in the pass forever.”
No one really takes the stories seriously anymore. At least they didn’t until I came back.” He shakes his head. “I should have listened to my mother. She told me my family embraced its fate a long time ago, that I should learn to keep to myself and accept it isn’t reasonable to expect anyone outside the forest to understand.”
“But maybe they would have.”
He shakes his head sadly. “They wouldn’t. Look how people are acting now.”
“People don’t know what to think, Ezra. Can you blame them?”
“A real conundrum, huh?” He looks at me, fluttering his long lashes. “It’s my town too, Ruby. I can’t leave it, and I wanted to see you, and I’m real damned tired of hiding.” He stares at me longingly, pinning me to the cushions with his now buttercup eyes. When I don’t answer, he continues. “I’ve always known I’m supposed to stay here and guard the ruin like my mother, and every generation before her, has. I knew but I never accepted it. I really believed I’d beat the curse. I wanted to get out.”
“Curse?” I whisper.
“That’s what my dad called it. Shiankya: the curse.” He scowls. “I just wanted to be normal. I wanted a normal life.”
“Your mother, she, um, changed then too?”
Ezra seems amused by my choice of words. “Mom and Dad both did. It’s passed down on my mom’s side since the beginning of time. My dad though, that was sort of dumb luck. Shiankya’s only form is mountain lion. But my dad, he could mimic anything. He just didn’t know he could until he met my mother.”
“I …” My mouth drops open, frozen mid-word.
“I know it’s a lot to take in.”
“How? I mean,” I swallow, uncertain what to ask, “Your dad didn’t know he could shift? Was he Pecos too, or,” I pause again, feeling a little numb.
“Shifting isn’t unique to the Pecos. But even people born to it, if they don’t have a guide, it often just lies dormant inside them. My dad was probably the first in his line for hundreds of years to discover he could do it.”
“How’d he figure it out?” I exhale.
“My mom sensed it in him when they met.”
I stare at him. How impossible.
“To hear him tell it, my mom let him loose on the world. But he wasn’t bound to the ruin like she was. He wasn’t a Watcher. And once he understood what he’d have to give up to stay with her, when he understood she had to stay, he felt burdened.”
The implication, that generations of Peñas have been slaves to the ruin, settles in my stomach like a boulder. “Because you were in the picture?” I ask softly.
“She couldn’t leave the pass, Ruby. I can’t leave, not until my children are old enough to watch the ruin. He wanted his freedom. I understand that. It was much easier for my mom to accept her fate growing up, knowing her place in the world. But Dad was essentially ambushed. To him, his ability really was a gift. It took him a while to understand that as far as Mom was concerned, shifting is utilitarian. She never embraced it, and she never quite accepted that he did.”
When Ezra pauses, wiping a tear from his cheek, I move from my seat to sit beside him. Gently, I squeeze his hand, encouraging him to go on.
“Things could have been different all around, but they both refused to meet in the middle.” Ezra tentatively rubs a thumb across my palm, slowly closing his hand around mine as if asking permission. “Neither of my parents were particularly easy people to be around.”
“That must have been really hard for you.” I gently pull my hand away. My heart aches for him, but it doesn’t change that he lied to me for months.
He shakes his head. “He resented her. I think he planned to leave her after high school, but Mom got pregnant. I knew he wasn’t going to stick around after the first time I shifted. He’d hoped with all his heart it wouldn’t pass on. He’s the reason I hoped with all my heart it wouldn’t.” Ezra blows out, pitching his head back onto the couch. “He should have just left way before he decided to check out.”
“That’s why you hate him,” I whisper. That’s why you hate yourself.
“My dad filled my head with garbage. I wanted a life outside the ruin. And for the longest time, he let me believe it was possible. When I realized it wasn’t, I hated him for that more than anything. It split me down the middle. You have no idea how much I envied ‘normal’ kids like Daisy and Angel.”
My emotions are all over the place. Unsettled, I stand up and walk to the window, turning my back to hide that I’m crying. “Why’d you come back then, Ezra?”
“To spite myself, I guess.”
I press my forehead against the cool glass windowpane, letting it soothe me. Every question Ezra speaks to unearths twenty more. There are so many, I’m not sure I’m ready for all the answers.
“Watching the ruin, it’s your duty?”
“It’s my birthright.”
“Don’t you believe in free will?” I ask softly.
He sighs so heavily, I feel it move through me. I turn again to meet his eyes, as unguarded as I’ve ever seen them. “When Mom found out I planned to go to college in Boston, she accused me of being like my father. And she was right. I believe I’m accountable for my actions and their consequences, Ruby. And turning my back on the ruin comes with consequences—ones I’m not willing to live with, especially now that you’re around. There has to be a Watcher. And my mom has already done it for years.” Ezra walks over to me. He takes my hands and places them on his chest as though shielding his heart. “What happened after Caroline left set everything in motion.”
I wipe tears out of my eyes. “You mean your accident?”
“It wasn’t an accident.”
Ezra’s eyes change again. It isn’t much, just a slight shift toward yellow, but I know he’s wondering how much he should share. Instead of continuing, he reaches out and hugs me so hard, I’m aware of how every inch of him fits against my body.
“After the breakup, I came back here to pun
ish myself.” He sniffs. “I drank too much one night and ended up at the ruin. I turned my pockets inside out on that stupid altar. I basically threw myself over the boulder and begged the Ancients to make things different.”
I break away and hold my breath, hearing Angel’s voice. Be careful what you wish for, Ruby.
“And?” I whisper.
“Nothing happened. So, I went home. But when I woke up in the morning,” he shakes his head, bewildered, “I looked like a monster.”
“You woke up … like how you were when we met?”
“Yes.” He lets his breath out in a long, steady stream. “The Ancients must have known my heart. I guess they wanted me to know I was ugly on the inside. That my true face isn’t the one I was lucky enough to sport around all my life. I’d been acting like a selfish, ungrateful ass—they made that clear. I do believe in free will, Ruby. But it took me a while to figure out free will isn’t an excuse to do whatever I like.”
“They punished you.” I exhale.
“They taught me a lesson.” He takes my hand and presses my fingers to his lips. “But you were willing to look past my surface. When you found something worth loving,” he taps on his chest, “I started to see things in a different light. You believed in me. And I gradually wanted to be a better person for reasons that never dawned on me before.” Ezra and I lock eyes, and his intense gaze is almost frightening. “I never meant to toy with you, Ruby. But my face was all I had for years. And I saw the way you looked at it—even when you hated Leo. I didn’t know how to trust that you liked me entirely for myself. Not until you told me you loved me.”
I pull back. Remembering how I kissed him in the canyon makes me queasy. He’d been Leo then. Calculated, and cool, and full of bravado. “Once you knew though …”
“I was scared shitless you’d stop if you knew the truth!” It comes out in a rush, almost like he’s angry. “And by the time I figured out what was going on, I was in love with you. I didn’t care about anything else after that except staying together. I wanted to be me again desperately, but in the end, I would have stayed like that forever if it meant keeping you.”
“This was all about getting your face back?” I choke.
“No! Listen to me. The Ancients didn’t give me guidelines. I’d resigned myself to being like that forever. I’m just saying that once I realized it was a test, it didn’t matter. I’d give this face up forever to save what we have. I just worried it wasn’t enough.”
“I was attracted to Leo.” I step away from him, feeling sick. “But I was attracted to the you inside from the very first day you went with me to Pecos. I loved you despite your face. I’ve always been clear about that.”
“I know that now.” He drops his head. “Honestly, Ruby, I wasn’t all myself with you either way. It’s like they sheared me in two, and I couldn’t reconcile either half. It was awkward, and I felt awkward, and that awkwardness made me even more insecure. The only thing I knew for certain was that being with you was changing me. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you,” he says softly, “If you hadn’t fallen for me, I’m not sure who I’d be right now. I think I had to find a reason to be a better person. And I think you had to love that Ezra first.”
“Maybe the face you ended up with had to do with the path you chose. You say they were both you—maybe one of them just won out.”
His eyes darken, turning a deep violet. “Which me do you think that is?”
I sigh, hating the truth even as I hear myself say it. “I don’t know yet.”
Twenty-Five
Everything Unknown
“You’re angry.”
I stare at Ezra, wide-eyed. “Is that a question?”
“Do you think you can forgive me?” Ezra’s voice is steady, but his irises are like an ocean, churning out shades of deep, inky violet.
“I want to, Ezra. But Leo was awful. And you were gone for so long. And you still haven’t explained the ruin or why you left.”
“You’re right,” he says, closing the gap between us. “But I will if you give me a chance.”
My mind is fraught with old wives’ tales and wonder. I want him to keep talking, but my brain feels like it’s caught in a meat grinder, and my stomach is grumbling.
“I’m hungry,” I tell him.
Ezra’s face contorts, twisting into a question mark. “That’s not the response I expected.”
“If you feed me, I’m a lot more likely to forgive you.”
Ezra snorts and takes my hand, leading me to the kitchen. He sits me down on a stool near the counter and opens a window before pulling bacon and lettuce out of the fridge. While he quietly putters around the stove, I take deep, measured breaths, inhaling sizzling fat, and forest, and piñon. The silence between us feels heavy, but it gives me a moment to think through some of what he’s said.
“I don’t understand how either of us are tied to the ruin. All those unknowns, they scare me, Ezra.”
Ezra stops cooking and looks up, focusing his now nearly lilac eyes on me.
“Your eyes,” I whisper. “They keep changing colors.”
He smiles apprehensively. “My cellular framework is erratic; it’s how I shift so quickly.” His eyes flash, and he blinks rapidly. “They usually change with my feelings. I can control it, Ruby. I’m just a little out of practice.”
I raise my brow, astonished. “Like a mood ring?”
“Sort of.” He nods, and his eyes turn an even brighter gold around the violet.
“Is it just lion?” I breathe out, mesmerized by his irises. “I mean, can you do anything else?”
“Shiankya is the most natural. The easiest.” He averts his eyes again, concentrating on our bacon sandwiches. “But I can change into other things. I inherited that from my father. It’s just much harder.”
I stare at him as he comes around the kitchen island, struck by his sudden vulnerability. On the surface, I don’t recognize this Ezra. But I trust my gut. And my gut says to stay and hear him out.
Ezra places two plates on the counter. “There’s something I want to do before we eat,” he whispers in my ear.
“What’s that?”
“This.” He wraps a palm around the back of my neck, pulling me forward.
I let him, and when he kisses me my lips sting, sparking a fire in my lungs that burns all the way to my fingertips. Breathless, I rest a palm on his face and another on his chest, whispering against his soft mouth, “This doesn’t mean everything’s fixed.”
Beneath his tight tee and too-perfect chest, his heart beats like it’s shifted into overdrive. “I know,” he murmurs. “You just drive me crazy.”
Agitated, I break away and take a bite of my sandwich.
“I missed you, Ruby.”
“I missed you too,” I say grimly, thinking about all the times he met me as Leo. “But I’m guessing you already know that.”
“Well, there were the phone messages.” He grins.
“And the things I told Leo. And the mountain lion.” I frown at him.
“Ruby …”
“I feel betrayed, you know. And stupid.”
“That was never my intention.”
“How come you followed me around the forest?” I drop my sandwich on my plate, half expecting his answer. “The stories you told me, were you protecting me from the ruin?”
“From yourself.” I stare at him, biting my lip furiously, and he adds, “You visited Ottomundo. Even Watchers can’t do that.”
My heart thumps out an uneven beat, and I inhale to slow it down. “It’s really a gateway?”
“Yes.” He smiles warily.
I suck in my breath, almost inhaling a piece of bacon.
Ezra sets his mostly finished sandwich on the plate in front of him. “I know you need more. But let’s take a break. My head’s spinning. Yours must be on Jupiter.” When I nod, full of a thousand questions, he takes my hand. “Let me show you my workshop.”
Ezra leads me outside to the outbuilding beside hi
s house. Pieces of unfinished furniture and stripped wood hang on the walls, smelling like Ezra sometimes does, of wood shavings, and turpentine, and beeswax. He shows me his tools, giving me brief lessons on how to use band saws, and rasps, and drill presses. For a little bit, I let him pretend things are normal.
Afterward, Ezra walks me through his house, stopping upstairs. Opposite his bedroom door, a four-post bed takes up space under a large window facing the mountains. On the other side of the room, a small, ceramic-tiled hearth protrudes from the sienna-hued wall.
Ezra sits down on his bed and pats the space next to him. “Should we build a fire and curl up?”
I blush but meet his stare. “I should call Torrance.”
“Of course,” Ezra smiles.
I nod when he stands up and dig my cell phone out of my jeans pocket, holding my breath while I dial.
“What’s up?” Torrance asks warily.
“We’re just talking.”
Torrance coughs. “Ruby, you’ve been in there awhile.”
“I’m good, Torrance. Really. But you should probably leave. I’m going to be here for at least another couple hours.”
Torrance is silent for a moment, and I notice Ezra fidgeting with something on the dresser in the corner of his room, acting like he isn’t listening.
“You call me again if you need anything, understand?” Torrance finally says. “I’m just going to hang out here a little longer.”
“I will,” I promise. “But tell Liddy I’m staying the night?”
Ezra looks up at me, stifling what may be a smirk.
“We still have so much to talk about,” I add.
I hang up before Torrance can reply, feeling like a million tons of dynamite just went off inside my heart. It flutters erratically, fearful of all the things Ezra still hasn’t told me.
“You want to stay?” He asks hopefully.
“I want to trust you, Ezra. I haven’t let myself trust anyone since Mom died. Not even myself.”
Visibly more relaxed, Ezra hums out loud, building a fire as I dig around his dresser for something to sleep in. When he walks into the adjacent bathroom to look for a spare toothbrush, I look his room over. Photos litter his dresser. In one, a miniature Ezra teeters on a huge boulder in the middle of the desert between two people: an attractive woman, probably his mother, and a handsome man. In another picture, the same man holds a tiny baby. The man resembles Ezra, and I’m struck by his joyful expression.
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