Ezra steps out of the bathroom and hands me a toothbrush. He catches me staring at the picture and moves behind me, whispering over my shoulder, “That was the day I was born.”
“I was just thinking he looks really happy.”
Ezra nuzzles my neck. “Right now, I’m happy.”
“Both of them …” I drop my head back against his chest. “Your dad killed himself because he was special, and my mom killed herself because she thought she wasn’t.”
“Dad believed in Ottomundo. He wasn’t afraid of dying.”
“You think that’s where I went when I fainted?” I shiver.
“The way you described it, yes.”
“But maybe it really was just altitude sickness.”
He looks down at me, calling my bluff with his eyes. “You don’t believe that.”
“I’m not sure what to believe. I mean, you saw me. I didn’t go anywhere.”
“It’s a spirit portal,” he says quietly. “My guess is your spirit left your body.” He cocks an eyebrow and pulls me closer. “When the gate’s about to open, I feel it in my bones like a song or vibration. That humming you keep talking about? That’s the gate gearing up. It resonates every time you’re up there.”
I turn and bury my head in his shoulder, clinging to him like a straitjacket. “If you can’t see spirits, Ezra, what are you watching for?”
“I didn’t say I couldn’t see spirits.” Ezra strokes my hair. “I said I couldn’t see yours. I can see spirits that don’t belong here.”
“That don’t belong here?” A shudder runs the length of my body, freezing my insides.
“Call Liddy. I don’t want her breaking down the door in the middle of the night.” He holds up the shirt I pilfered from his dresser. “Then go change. I’ll be right here waiting, and when you’re done, I’ll tell you everything.”
Inside Ezra’s bathroom, I nervously change into Ezra’s old Pecos High gym shirt, then call Liddy and Racine, telling them between protests that I’m staying the night. When I step out of the bathroom, Erza, who changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants and nothing else, motions for me to join him on the bed. I sit down beside him, and he wraps an arm around me, pulling the comforter around us as we settle in together.
Wriggling closer to his side, I say, “All right, tell me.”
Ezra tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear. After a quiet moment, he says, “All spiritual beings start in Ottomundo, and all beings go back. But not everything in Ottomundo was human before it died. The Otherworld is made up of all the universe’s life forces. There are worlds out there we can’t begin to understand. Everything from the souls of gods to creatures we can’t fathom live there, waiting for the Ancients to send them somewhere else. But not all of them want to go where they’re sent. Sometimes they look for ways out.”
“That’s why you kept an eye on me?” My throat suddenly feels like I just walked through the Sahara, and the words come out all crumbly. “Because you think the ruin is dangerous?”
From my periphery, Ezra looks serene, but when he turns on his side, his eyes shift colors like a prism. “That and the fact that you seem to be able to open the gate. That makes you dangerous—to you, me, and everyone else.”
His eyes churn in a flurry of motion. They fade to gold, then flash violet, then turn a very deep purple. He looks tired, and I’m not sure I even want to hear the rest. “Ezra, who are the Ancients?”
“Gods? Angels? Beings from another universe? All I know is that the Pecos worshiped them and that they’re immortal. They rule over all the matter in all universes and together form Ottomundo’s spine.” His voice wavers for a moment. “Ottomundo is made of different realms, each controlled by separate Ancients. They make up a council that decides where, if at all, to seed spirits. The council changes every couple thousand years or so. But they’re always made up of Ancients and their descendants.”
Ezra’s explanation is so insane, I feel giggles coming on. “You’re saying you protect an interdimensional nexus to other universes?” I ask through my fingers. “And it’s right there,” I point toward the window, “Like Heaven but just up our mountain?”
“Yes.”
“Ezra.”
“Except it’s not Heaven. How you’ve lived one life doesn’t affect where you go next, or even in what form. And for some of us, it’s also a terminus.”
I’m so perplexed it’s a chore to hold back hysteria. Whoever said ignorance is bliss was a genius. “Reincarnation?”
“Yes, Ruby. If you want to call it that. Though beings move between trillions of universes and just as many spirit forms.” He sniffs, then covers his face with an arm. “Okay, it does sound kind of crazy, doesn’t it?”
“The librarian at school called it the Bone Yard. But you’re making it sound more like, I don’t know, New York or something,” I say lamely.
Ezra laughs, shaking the bed. He looks at me with bright, hesitant eyes. I stare at the ceiling, trying to equilibrate. Having faith in anything unseen is hard enough. He’s asking me to believe in something so unfathomable, it’s mind warping.
“I can hear you,” he chuckles. “And I’m not trying.”
“My thoughts?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” I blush. “Maybe now would be a good time to tell me how your powers work.”
“Powers.” He laughs. “You’re funny.”
“Whatever you call them. I just need to know.” I squeeze his thigh. I want to climb under his skin and be his bones, to consume every inch of him. But his differences also scare me.
“I’m not Superman. It’s pretty basic. I see well, especially at night. I smell things from a fair distance. And I can hear for miles when I focus. I run fast. And I’m stronger than most people, more impervious to injury. Basically, I’m equipped with the skills you’d expect I’d need to guard the ruin, but that’s it. Sorry to disappoint.”
“Disappoint?” I make a face at him. “Right, because being able to shift into another life-form isn’t enough.”
When Ezra grins, I’m struck by how different his face is—as near to perfect as a face can come. Yet looking at him is still an adjustment. I miss my old Ezra, whose craggy countenance I grew to love.
“Can you really read my mind?” I ask.
“Yes, there really are times I hear your thoughts.”
“Great.” I hold my breath, not at all liking the idea. “Explain that.”
“I can’t.” He shrugs. “But I’m sure it has to do with the ruin. I don’t mean to listen in, Ruby. But I think you project. And it helps that I can read you well. You wear your heart on your sleeve, you know.”
“I don’t know how to feel about that. I don’t think I want you inside my head.”
“If it’s any consolation, I try really hard to tune you out when it happens.”
“How can you be so human, and yet, so different?” In some ways, he’s still every bit my Ezra. In others, it’s like meeting a stranger from another planet.
Ezra scratches his head thoughtfully. “Humans are a bit clueless when it comes to understanding themselves. Maybe I’m perfectly normal. Maybe it’s the people who aren’t so tuned in that are different.”
“Like my mother.”
“Or my father.”
Ezra wraps his arms around me and throws the quilt over our heads, blocking the light. The dim space is a welcome relief. Up close, I see his face and his face alone, and realize I love it in any form, moody or happy, confused or confident, marred or beautiful, lion or man.
Part of me is still mad at him for all the crappy things he’s done. But looking at him, my heart knows Ezra is what it wants, who it wants, no matter how much trouble comes with the package. Thick or thin, bad or good—it’s just going to take my head a bit to catch up.
“Ezra, if I am True of Heart,” I gulp, closing my eyes, “what Mom said …”
“That you should stay away from me?”
I nod.
“L
ike I said, I don’t accept that. And I don’t believe we’d be together right now if being together was wrong.”
Twenty-Six
What Matters
Sun fills all four corners of the room with crimson light. I feel buoyant and lazy, and I’m comfortable being lazy, so I keep my eyes closed, barely aware of the heavy weight across my shoulder. Yawning, I roll over, disturbing what turns out to be Ezra’s muscular arm locked around my body.
“Hi,” he whispers when we’re face-to-face.
“Hi,” I answer sleepily.
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
“Not since last night.”
Ezra’s eyes twinkle playfully. “I love you, Ruby.” He traces my lips with a finger, then grins. “Want to see me turn into a fox?”
“No!” I squeal. “Right now?”
“I’m kidding. I’ve never been a fox.”
Still bleary-eyed, I look at him incredulously. “It’s impossible to wrap my mind around.”
“What if I show you after school? You can see for yourself.”
“Really?” I swallow. “It’s not all secretive or something?”
“I don’t have any secrets left. Not with you.”
I close my eyes and move closer, pressing up against him, savoring how intimate it feels. How could I have hated him just three days ago?
“You don’t mind?” I mumble contentedly.
“I’ve never changed in front of anyone who wasn’t related to me. It may be a little weird, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”
Ezra’s eyes dance, pulling threads of purple across his golden irises.
“What?” I ask, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
“How do you feel about being late to school?”
When I blush, he throws the sheet over our heads and growls playfully, nuzzling my neck. I hadn’t paid much attention to the fact that he went to bed shirtless, sleeping in nothing but flannel pajama bottoms. We stayed up so late, and he filled my head with so many stories, I wasn’t even aware of my own body by the time I finally closed my eyes. But under the covers now, so close, I’m painfully conscious of him.
Ezra is incredibly strong. His beautiful arms and smooth, tanned skin just about glow. Next to him, I feel a mixture of lucky, and inhibited, and completely anxious.
“What?” he asks shyly.
“What what?”
“You’re staring.”
I swallow and bury my face in my hands. “I’m so embarrassed.”
When I look again, he’s smiling. “You make me nervous, too, if it makes you feel better.”
“Um, no. Doesn’t help,” I giggle, flushing furiously.
“Why don’t you just come here and hug me then?”
Bashfully, I snuggle up against his chest, fitting against him flawlessly. The old Ezra was perfect in his own way. But this Ezra has it all, and it’s hard to know exactly how to feel about such perfection.
“Ezra,” I say shyly, “before you didn’t want to … you didn’t want … you know.”
He cocks an eyebrow. “Is that a question?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“I wasn’t all together. Being with you that way wouldn’t have been right. I wanted to, Ruby. God, I wanted to, trust me. I still want to. But I also wanted you to know the truth before things got that serious. I promised myself I wouldn’t let it happen until I told you.”
“And now?”
“Now you know who I am. I’m not hiding anything.”
“What if after everything, I want to wait?”
“Then we wait.” Ezra touches my brow, running a hand down over my cheek. “When it happens, it’ll be right for both of us.”
Ezra said “when,” not “if.” He wants me, and the idea fills my heart. “I think I need a little time. I do forgive you, but I don’t want it to happen while I’m even remotely angry.”
“And you still are.” He says it like he knows it’s not a question.
“A little bit.”
“I understand.”
“I have another question.” I pause, letting it all sink in. “You didn’t really go to Las Cruces, did you?”
Absently, his hand travels to his head under the sheet, messing an unruly cascade of staticky dark hair. “No. I went up to the ruin and begged. Every day. I promised to stay and do my job. I asked them to look into my heart.”
“And they did.”
“They must have.” He sighs, then grimaces. “Ruby, the day I asked you to meet me back at the ruin … I was going to tell you. That was my lofty plan. But then you got there, and it was clear you already knew, and you ran to Angel, and I kind of lost it. In that way, I guess I’m as human as it gets.”
“Ezra Leonardo Lucero,” I tell him, “your world is very strange, and I feel like I’m sort of drowning in it. But I’d really like it if you’d just go back to being my boyfriend. I’m still mad at you. And I’ll be mad for a while. But I don’t think I could love you more than I do this minute if I tried. Because you are who you are. Because you aren’t perfect.”
“Ruby Brooks,” he tells me. “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.”
Out his bedroom window, the sun shines above the mountain. I can tell by the shadows it casts on his wall that I’ve already missed first period. But for once, I’m not really worried. Compared to Ezra’s secret, AP English and Physics suddenly seem insignificant.
“We should get you to school,” he finally says, pulling away a little.
“I don’t want to leave. What if I wake up? What if this is all a dream?”
“I promise it’s not.” He kisses me, sitting up ruefully before standing up and pulling on a T-shirt. After I dress and scarf down a bowl of Fruit Loops, he drives me to school. If I miss third period and the school calls Liddy, she’ll worry. If I miss fourth and Racine notices, she’ll go ballistic.
As Ezra drives through the pass toward Pecos high school, he takes my gloved hand, squeezing my fingers. “Can I ask you something?”
“You’re going to anyway, aren’t you?”
He chuckles softly. “Yes. I’m just being polite.”
“You’re not always the best at it, you know. Being polite.”
“And?”
“And I’m just saying.” I smile.
“Of course you are.”
“So, are you going to ask?”
He looks at me, pensively pulling his head to the side. “Are you going to Stanford next fall?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“Don’t be difficult. Just answer it.”
“I applied to the University of New Mexico. I haven’t told anyone yet.”
“But you’re not going, right?”
“Well,” I pause, “I got in.”
Ezra’s face looks a mixture of surprised, unsure, and unhappy.
“I’d think I’d like to stay here, with you and Liddy. The U’s a good school, Ezra, especially if I major in anthropology. And you can help me ‘study.’” I grin.
He looks away, at the craggy mountain peaks surrounding us. As if looking at me will influence what he says next. “I don’t want you to stay.”
“You don’t want me?” His words stab at my heart.
Ezra inhales. His golden irises change, and his jaw softens at the edges. “Are you crazy? I said I don’t want you to ‘stay.’ I don’t want you to throw your life away.”
“I’m not throwing my life away. I don’t feel like I’m stuck here, Ezra.”
“You may regret it one day. You deserve the best, Ruby.”
I stare at him, wishing he saw what I did. “The University of New Mexico is a good school. Plus, it’s cheaper. It’s the best of both worlds. I can stay here with you and Liddy. I’ll save money. And I can live in La Luna. It’s only an hour into Albuquerque.”
“I want you here with me. More than anything. But the ruin is dangerous to be around, and if something happens,” he turns again to glance at me with sad, beautiful eyes,
“I don’t know for certain I can protect you.”
“‘If’ is a tenuous word, don’t you think? Sort of a long shot.”
“Where you’re concerned, ‘if’ is good enough.”
Reaching out, I twist a lock of his midnight hair around my finger, tugging playfully. “It’s my life. Shouldn’t I be able to choose?”
“Free will.” He sighs, then chuckles. “Not if you don’t choose right. I can’t force you to move away. But if you stay, you have to promise you won’t go up to the ruin.”
I pause for a moment, staring up at the snow sparkling in the sun on the side of the road. I don’t want to promise. But I also know he’s right. Hastily, I rush out, “I think we should find out why I’m able to cross over.”
“No,” he answers, almost as quickly as it’s out of my mouth.
Ezra’s expression twists my heart. But I’m still determined. “If we go back together once, just once, for like a couple minutes, maybe I’ll see my mom again.”
“No,” he says more sternly.
“I believe everything you’ve told me. And I’m trying really hard to wrap my mind around the Otherworld and Ancient thing. But I need to know what being True of Heart means and why I’m able to cross over. Aren’t you even a little bit curious?”
“I’ve told you before, curiosity killed …”
“The cat.” I cut him off. “Yeah, I know. But I’m not a cat, you are. So maybe you need me to protect you up there.”
He mashes his perfect lips together and frowns a frown that despite its downward trajectory could still light up the pass.
Only slightly deterred by his tenacity, I shift gears into sweet-talk mode, batting my eyes for good measure. “Please, Ez. Not knowing—it’ll drive me crazy. You’re so strong, so fast. I know you can guard me. You can watch to make sure nothing happens. And if something does, I completely trust you to stop it.”
Between Wild and Ruin Page 31