by BL Mute
She looks around the room, then flips off the light as we walk out. I follow her outside and to the end of the driveway. Within minutes, Katie’s little silver car that picked us up last night pulls up.
“Hey, hey!” she squeals from the rolled-down window.
I tip my head to her as Alex opens the passenger door, then crawl into the back seat.
“Can you tell me where we are going yet?” I ask after I buckle my seat belt. Safety first. I will never go anywhere without buckling up, not after what happened when I was thirteen.
“The park,” Katie says, smiling at me in the rearview mirror.
“Park?”
Alex turns in her seat. “Yep. Don’t worry, it isn’t what you’re thinking,” She laughs. “No little kids running around and shit. It’s more of a hangout for teens around here.”
I don’t even reply. I lean my head back into the seat and close my eyes, trying to drown out their talking. This is exactly why I don’t blindly follow people. I sigh and think to myself.
We pull up to the park and step out. Glancing around, I notice it really wasn’t what I was expecting. Two lone swings hang on rusted chains to the left, a metal slide that would probably burn my ass if I slid down it sits to the right, and in the center, a single wooden bench that looks like it’s about to fall apart.
There are a few groups of people lingering in different spots along the grass, but the swings are free. Katie and Alex are busy talking about the people they know from each group, so I walk to the swings alone and sit.
I kick my feet lightly and lean my head on the rusted chain. I can hear each group talking, but it’s nothing but distant whispers to me. I close my eyes and let my body sway.
The chains creak with every movement I make, and the metal links ting together. I focus on the sound and let myself get lost in it. It’s been so long that I’ve just sat and enjoyed something so simple.
The creaking of the other swing swaying has me opening my eyes. I look to my side, and my little moment is over.
I roll my eyes and stand. “Stalking me now?” I ask.
Six laughs. “Technically, I was here first, so you’d be the stalker.”
I shake my head and try to walk away, but he grabs my wrist, stopping me. “Listen, last night I wasn’t at my best. Let me try again with the whole introduction thing.” He smiles.
“No matter what you say, my answer is still the same. I’m not interested.” I jerk my arm from his hold and start to walk toward the bench.
“You don’t even know what I want!” he calls behind me.
I stop in my tracks and turn back to him. “I don’t need to know.” I shrug.
He licks his lips, then pushes his hair from his face and walks closer to me. “Just hear me out.” He looks around, then back to me. “I need some help.”
I raise my brow. “Help?” I laugh. “Sorry, I’m not the one. I don’t help anyone but myself.”
He sighs. “I’ll pay you.”
“What do you think I am? Some two-dollar whore? No, thank you,” I huff.
“No. But I know since you live at the Safe Haven, any help you can get, you should take.”
I jerk my head back in disbelief. “How do you know where I live?”
He smiles a lopsided smile. “My new parents, they own it. I know everything about you, Saturn.”
“No…” I shake my head. “That isn’t possible. They keep everything anonymous.”
“They keep it anonymous from the therapists who work there. And they’re only able to do that because the therapist won’t be prescribing medication. Do you really think they would just let anyone in there?” He laughs.
“So, what, you’re going to blackmail me?” I ask, squaring my shoulders.
He shrugs. “I mean, if there is something in your file you don’t want people knowing, then I have no issues using it against you.” He smiles wickedly.
Being in the system, everything is a weapon. But someone’s past is the biggest weapon of all. Kids and adults alike will use it against you; they will broadcast it far and wide in an effort to hurt or break you down. That’s not something I can risk. After everything that happened when I was thirteen, I can’t bear to be called a killer again. It was an accident…
I level my eyes with his. “Fine. I’ll fucking help you.”
He smiles, showing all his teeth. “Great. I’ll be in touch.”
“That’s it?” I say a little too loudly.
“That’s it.” He winks, then walks away as he lights a cigarette and joins the group by the parking lot.
I thought Six was the kind of trouble my heart didn’t need. The kind that would make me fall and not bother to catch me. Turns out, this is so much worse.
Alex and Katie walk up, so I try my best to wipe the shock from my face. “Hey,” I chirp.
Alex gives me an odd look. “You okay?” she chuckles.
“Yeah. Of course. I’m good,” I ramble.
“I saw Six over here. What was that about?” Katie asks, wiggling her eyebrows.
I roll my eyes and try to simmer the anger that wants to boil from my mouth. “He just won’t take no for an answer.” I wave my hand around. “I’m not interested, but he won’t give up.”
“Classic Silas West.” She grins.
I shake my head, then shrug. “I guess. So,” I start, “what exactly do people do here?”
“We just hang out.” Alex smiles. “Sometimes we smoke and drink, but mainly, we just chill.”
I nod. Smoking isn’t my thing. Well, not green anyway. Cigarettes help curb your appetite, so it’s something I indulge in every now and then.
Alex and Katie plop down into the grass, and I follow. “How much time do we have?” I ask.
Alex looks to her phone. “About two hours.”
I nod and lie down, letting the grass tickle my back. Might as well try and relax while I can.
“I’ll see you later,” Alex says, as we walk into the Safe Haven.
I nod and salute her with my hand. My appointment with Dr. Keller is in exactly three minutes, and I really don’t want to go. I hate letting people in and talking about my life. It just isn’t my thing.
I make my way down the hall and stop in front of Dr. Keller’s door. I knock one quick time and wait.
She opens it and smiles at me. “Sonni, you’re back.”
“Kind of don’t have a choice.”
She doesn’t reply but sweeps her hand in front of her to invite me inside. I walk straight to the small black couch and plop down. If I want to stay, I need to start taking this shit seriously. I mean, maybe if I just give her what she wants and talk, then she’ll tell whoever the fuck is in charge I’m doing good. I can’t afford to get kicked from this place. It would suck to lose three badass meals a day too.
Dr. Keller walks in front of me and sits in the same chair from yesterday. “How’re you today, Sonni?” she asks.
I let out a deep breath and decide to just tell the truth. “I’m doing okay. Could be better, as always, but I’m good.”
She smiles. “That’s good. Anything you want to talk about?”
I shake my head. “Look, I’ve never been good with these sessions. I never know what to say or how to react to things. I’m not trying to be rude, but I am only here because it’s mandatory.”
She nods. “I understand that. Maybe we can just talk about your friends, or maybe school? Start simple.”
I laugh. “I don’t have friends, and I don’t go to school. Not anymore anyway. I got my GED a while back.”
“Oh! That’s interesting. Do you have any plans for your future? Maybe college?”
“School has never been my thing, so no. I have no interest to go back. I’d rather travel the world, get the fuck out of Harper Valley.”
She laughs. “I felt the same way when I was your age. So ready to leave this tiny town and not look back.”
I push back into the couch. “What changed your mind?”
“I didn�
�t want to leave my mom or friends. I did some pretty messed-up things growing up and needed to repair those relationships. Then, I got pregnant. I wanted my son to be able to visit my dad, so I stayed even longer. Things just fell into a groove that worked and made me not want to leave.”
“Your dad couldn’t just come visit you wherever you decided to go? That seems kind of dickish.” I raise a brow at her.
“I’m sure he would have, if he could have. My dad passed away when I was eighteen. He isn’t going anywhere,” she laughs sadly.
“Oh…” I look around the room, not wanting to meet her eyes. Way to fucking go Sonni. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean to sound—”
She cuts me off. “Don’t apologize. It’s okay.” Her smile is back in place.
I nod and look to the picture frames on the wall, still not wanting to meet her eyes.
“How about you tell me something about yourself now. It can be anything.” She leans back in her chair and crosses her legs.
My mind runs trying to think of something, anything to tell her so the awkward silence can be broken, but the only thing it comes up with is something I hate talking about. When I was six. I don’t want to let her in, but my mind is screaming at me, telling me to just do it, so I do.
“I guess we can start with Mr. Barbie,” I whisper, defeated.
“Who is Mr. Barbie?” she asks.
“A vile fucking pig.”
She nods and releases a deep breath, almost as if she already knows what I’m about to say. Hell, she probably does. She counsels all the kids here, at least I think, so I’m sure there have been more Mr. Barbies.
“I’m listening. Whenever you’re ready.”
I run my hands through my hair and give a weak nod. “He started coming around when I was six,” I let out a breath. “I hated him…”
I was so cold. I hated when Mommy left me in there. She wasn’t my real mommy, but she said I had to call her that. Mommy’s real name was Barbra, but I never dared to call her that after the first time. She hit me so hard my tooth came out. She told the school it was already loose and just fell out, but it wasn’t true. She always lied to everyone about my bumps and bruises or split lips.
Daddy wasn’t too nice either. He’s the one who told Mommy to put me in the basement when I was bad. They caught me sneaking a cup of water after bedtime. I was just really thirsty. I didn’t take the soda like Maggie did, but Maggie never got in trouble. Maggie was Mommy and Daddy’s real daughter. I was just an annoyance and another mouth to feed. At least that’s what they told me. Maggie said they got money for me, that’s why they kept me around.
I crawled over the cold concrete floor to the corner. I really didn’t like being in there, but Mommy said I had to sit, wait, and think about my actions. I didn’t have a choice, so that’s what I did. I curled up by the water heater and tried to stay warm.
It was winter, and I only knew it was winter because in the basement there was a window. I was level with the road and could see cars drive by. Sometimes I thought about screaming for help, but I never did. I knew Daddy wouldn’t like that and he would keep me down there longer, so I just waited and cried.
Snow covered all the pretty green grass and the small yellow flowers I liked to stare at. It just ate them all up, so I didn’t even bother to try and look. I knew if Daddy caught me, I’d be in trouble too.
I heard the footsteps before I saw anyone. They creaked over the wooden floor and stopped. The door at the top of the stairs opened and light shone down on me. I tried to push myself up against the wall as far as I could, but it didn’t work.
Mr. Barbie’s ugly brown loafers were the first things I saw. They moved down the stairs with ease and precision. I knew why he was there, but every time I prayed to god it would be different.
I had been with Mommy and Daddy for about four months. Mr. Barbie started coming to see me within my first week there. His name wasn’t Mr. Barbie, but that’s what I called him. He told me to call him Daddy too. He said he liked it when he heard that name come out of my mouth when I spoke to my daddy, but that felt icky. I didn’t even like my daddy, or calling him that, and Mr. Barbie was no better.
He thought because he brought me dolls and Barbies, I would be more at ease and like him, but I didn’t. What he did to me hurt.
He saw me in the corner and creeped toward me, then squatted in front of me. “Hey, baby. Are you ready to play today?”
“I don’t want to play. It makes my tummy hurt,” I whispered, but that didn’t stop him. It never did.
He led me to the dirty mattress on the other side of the basement and laid me down. I squeezed my eyes shut and pictured the yellow flowers. The way their stems swayed just a little to dance in the wind, and their small petals fluttered with the same beat. I really loved the yellow flowers. They reminded me of better things and sunshine.
After what seemed like forever, his weight was lifted off me, and the soft tapping of his shoes sounded up the stairs.
You’re so beautiful… Daddy loves you… You’re such a good girl for Daddy…
His words always echoed in my head after he left. I tried to push them away and think about better things, like the pretty yellow flowers, but it was hard. His words were like a snake slithering all over my brain that wouldn’t go away.
When the door clicked closed again, I turned on the nasty mattress and curled into a ball. One time when Mommy and Daddy took me to church, the Sunday school teacher told me God didn’t like bad people, said bad people went to hell. I hoped Mr. Barbie would go to hell. He deserved to burn all up in fire and be hurt how he hurt me.
The door opened again the next morning. I tried to hide my eyes from the light. It was bright and hurt after being in the dark for so long.
“Get up. It’s time to get cleaned up,” Mommy shouted at me.
I was glad it wasn’t Mr. Barbie again, and I didn’t want to upset Mommy, so I jumped up, ran up the stairs, and went straight to the bathroom, then waited. A minute later, Mommy was walking in with the big white bottle. I hated that bottle. It stunk and made my eyes burn.
“Get undressed. Now.” Mommy wouldn’t look at me; she never did. She would always look to the ground or around me, but never at me. She always had bruises too. I don’t think Daddy was nice to her either.
I stripped out of my small purple shorts and dirty white shirt and stepped into the tub. I held my breath and waited. I hated this part.
Mommy put the plug in the tub and turned on the hot water. For a minute it burned my feet, but it was nice to feel warm other than cold like in the basement. When I saw her unscrew the top, I squeezed my eyes shut. Sometimes if I wasn’t looking, the pain wasn’t as bad.
She started pouring the stuff from the bottle in the water, then dumped it over my head. I didn’t dare open my eyes. I made that mistake before, and when I screamed because it burnt, Mommy hit me hard.
I tried to take small breaths through my nose, but that didn’t help. I felt like I was suffocating, and my throat was on fire. I opened my eyes and reached for the water. I cupped my hands and threw some of the scalding water on my face. Big mistake…
“Goddamn it!” Mommy yelled. “You’re dirty and need to be cleaned!” She threw the bottle down onto the pink rug by the tub, then pushed me away from the water faucet.
My feet slipped and made me fall backward. I tried to catch myself, tried to hold myself up with the ugly pink shower curtain, but it tore and sent me to the floor. I hit my head so hard I started seeing stars, and I felt like throwing up.
Mommy just looked at me and screamed. “Damn it! Now my rug is ruined. This is why you don’t have parents! You’re a fucking embarrassment!”
I didn’t know what that meant, but it hurt my feelings. I knew it wasn’t nice. I held my tears back because Mommy didn’t like when I cried; it made her even more angry.
I reached for the back of my head because it was hurting really bad. Worse than a million bees stinging me and worse than the stuf
f in the white bottle.
When I pulled my hand away, it was red. I was bleeding, but Mommy didn’t care. She just picked up the white bottle again and dumped the rest of it on me, then took a loofa and scrubbed me all over.
“Dirty, dirty, dirty. That’s all you are. Fucking disgusting,” she mumbled.
I didn’t say anything, and I didn’t cry. I just bit down through all the pain. One day Mommy would go to hell too.
When I finish, I look up to Dr. Keller. She’s shaking her head lightly and has her hand over her mouth.
“Pretty fucked-up, huh?” I ask with a chuckle.
She doesn’t reply right away. She just stares at me with watery eyes. “I think—” She clears her throat. “I think we’re done for the day. I’ll see you again in a few days.”
“A few days? This isn’t an everyday thing?” I ask.
“It can be if you’d like, but I think a break would be good. That can’t be easy to relive.”
I huff. “I relive it every night in my dreams. This is nothing.”
She nods, letting her blonde hair that matches mine fall around her face. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Sonni.”
“It is what it is,” I say, standing from the couch and stretching. “I’ll see you in a few days, Doc.”
I stroll to the door and open it before she can reply. Once it latches closed behind me, I lean against it and take a few deep breaths. It’s over. Stop being a little bitch. You got over this shit years ago, I tell myself.
I release one last breath, then walk to the front door. Only two hours have passed, so I still have loads of time to kill before curfew. Maybe a walk can help chill me the fuck out. I slip out and walk down the long drive. Once I’m on the sidewalk, I turn left and just walk. I have no clue where I’m going, or where the street even leads, but I don’t care.
The cars zip by on the road beside me, and I watch them. Red, blue, black. All the colors merge together in a blur. I turn my head back in front of me and keep walking until I reach a small diner that has JOE’S flashing in red neon lights at the top.