by BL Mute
I stomp across the room and throw open the door, then slam it behind me. Sonni’s blonde hair is flowing in the wind as she sprints across the lawn. I finally catch up to her and grab her arm. “What the fuck was that?” I command.
She jerks her arm from my hold. “If I remember correctly, we are nothing. I don’t see why you’re mad—you’re the one with the slut from the clothing store all over your dick,” she screams.
I laugh and look up into the darkening sky. “I knew it.”
“Knew what?” she retorts.
“You want me. You can’t hide the jealousy shining in your eyes, Sonni.”
She chuckles. “No, no I don’t.”
I step closer to her. “Yes, you do.”
“No,” she whispers.
I step even closer. Her breath is hot through my shirt on my chest. “Yes.”
She looks down. Maybe she thinks if I can’t see her eyes that I won’t know how she feels, but her body language speaks for itself. Slowly heaving chest, red0stained cheeks, arms straight to her side just waiting. She isn’t closing herself off—she wants me to touch her.
Without another thought, I push my hand into her hair and tug her forward, closing the few inches between us. “Yes,” I whisper on her lips.
She doesn’t reply. Instead she closes her eyes and tips her head to the side, inviting me in. I push my lips to hers and let them take control.
Soft, so soft, just like the rest of her. I move my lips on hers in a slow rhythm as Cesar twitches in my jeans, letting her warm up to the kiss. Her mouth opens on a gasp, and I take advantage of it. I push my tongue into her mouth and relish the sweet taste before a sharp pain has me retracting and backing up.
“No,” she deadpans with a small drop of blood running down her chin. My blood.
I swallow the metallic taste and smile. She wants to keep playing the game, fine. I’ll play. “Let me give you a ride home.”
“No, thanks.” She pulls the phone I got her from her back pocket and hits the screen a few times then brings it to her ear. “Hi. Yes, I’m fine… No, nothing is wrong. I just need a ride… Yeah, I’ll text you the address… Okay. Thanks.” She shoves the phone back into her pocket.
“You didn’t need to do that. I would have driven you, Sonni.”
“No, thanks. Drinking and driving isn’t my thing. I can taste the vodka on your lips.” She shoves my chest and turns on her heel.
I chuckle at her pissy attitude, then step to the front of her. “I get it. You hate me.” I wipe the blood from her chin. “But remember you need me.”
“It’s a shame I have to admit that—that I do need you. But don’t get it messed up, Silas. I need you for one thing, and one thing only. Once this little arrangement is done, then I’m gone.”
“Oh, I’ll pay you.” I grin as headlights slash across my face. Once the car rolls up to the curb, I know who it is immediately. “Is that Dr. Keller?” I question with a little too much surprise in my voice.
“Yeah. What’s it to you?” Sonni throws back.
I just shake my head and watch as she climbs into the car. Dr. Keller’s gaze catches mine. I give her a warning look, and I know she doesn’t understand, but soon she will. I turn on my heel and make my way down the curb to where my car is. Things just got a lot more complicated.
I slam the car door closed as Dr. Keller drives off. “You okay, Sonni?” she questions.
I let out a deep breath. “I’m fucking dandy.”
She gives me tight smile, then focuses her eyes back on the road. “Was that Silas West?” I don’t reply. I’m not in the mood to talk about him. “You know, he’s trouble, Sonni,” she adds after a beat of silence.
“You’re not the first to say that, but don’t worry, I know,” I sigh. “Thanks for picking me up.”
“You’re welcome.” She smiles.
I lean my head back into the seat and release a deep breath. Six kissed me. He kissed me and I liked it. I’m doomed. I shake away the thoughts of him and try to focus on other things.
Suddenly I realize I haven’t buckled my seat belt. Willow assaults my mind, and my chest starts to ache. I tug on my seat belt with shaky hands and make sure it’s firmly buckled and in place. My breaths become shorter and shorter. Not this again. You’re fine, Sonni. You’re fine.
I open my mouth and suck in big gulps, hoping it helps, but it never does, not when this happens. I squeeze my eyes tight and try to fight the need to throw up.
“Sonni?” I can hear Dr. Keller, but my mouth refuses to work, refuses to answer.
My eyes are closed so tight that stars float behind them. I feel the car slow, then finally come to a stop. I force my eyes open and hurry to open the door before I barf. Once it’s open and the cool air hits my face, my body starts working on its own.
I leap from the car and run to the front of it. The yellow headlights hurt my eyes, but it doesn’t stop me. I dry heave over and over until my breath is finally back, then bend at the waist, putting my head as close to my knees as I can get.
“Sonni?” Dr. Keller speaks quietly as her own door closes. “Are you okay?”
I try to answer, but nothing comes out.
Small warm hands run in small circles over my back. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” she soothes.
After what seems like forever, my nerves calm and I’m breathing again. “Panic attack,” I rasp out.
Dr. Keller nods with a sad, tight smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I take in one last deep breath and release it. “Willow,” I say slowly.
“Who is Willow?”
“She was my best friend, and I killed her.” My voice comes out shakier than I would like.
Dr. Keller is silent for a few seconds. “What made you think about that?”
I shake my head and lean against the hood of the car. “My seat belt,” I basically cry. “I didn’t buckle my seat belt. I never do that. And Six… He kissed me. He kissed me, and I could taste the alcohol on his lips. I knew I couldn’t ride with him, but I so badly wanted to. What is wrong with me?”
Dr. Keller’s eyes grow wide. “You kissed Six?”
I just told her I killed someone and she didn’t bat an eye, but when I say I kissed Six, she’s shocked? I shake my head, silently asking her not to question it. I don’t want to talk about Six. Hell, I don’t want to talk about Willow, but I feel it’s time. Time someone finally knows what happened from me.
“When everything happened with Willow, I was drinking,” I add, trying to change the subject from Six.
“The mind is a funny thing. Sometimes it puts things together we never would. It has a way of making you do and feel things you never thought was possible. Do you want to talk about Willow?” Her voice is low and sweet, and her movements are slow and calculated.
She slowly walks to the hood and plants herself next to me. It’s like she knows she’s playing with fire and needs to be careful and cautious.
I don’t bother telling her it’s okay and I won’t murder her. No one ever believes me, so instead, I nod and take one last deep breath.
For once in my dreadful existence, life was actually okay. I was placed with a decent family, I was doing okay in school, and I had a friend. A true, genuine friend.
I had met Willow Hayes my first week in Cedar Ridge Junior High. She was the perfect churchgoer. She was secluded from the world and morphed into what her parents wanted, but she always wanted more, was always curious about more. Me being the rebel I had turned into within the past year, I took her under my wing and showed her the world as I knew it.
Cedar Ridge was the first place I thought I would like. There were no cliques, everyone seemed friendly, and I even scored myself a boyfriend.
Ryan Johnson. Such a basic name for such a basic boy. He was older than me by three years, had his own car, and even had a way to buy cigarettes. Being thirteen and thinking smoking was cool, being able to buy cigarettes was a huge deal.
Willow, Ryan, and I fe
ll into a comfortable routine over the months. She would come stay the night with me, and we would go to Ryan’s house and party. We were on top of the world drinking, popping random pills from medicine cabinets that belonged to other kids’ moms, and of course, smoking cigarettes. Almost every weekend we would find something to do or a party to go to. The “parents” I had weren’t too strict, so that was a total plus.
“Are you coming over today? We are going to Nathan’s. Ryan is helping him with his car or something.” I waved my hand around, bored, and waited for Willow’s reply.
She smiled, showing off all her teeth. She had such a beautiful smile. Willow had this air around her that seemed to draw people in. The more fucked-up the person, the more Willow cared for them. I guess that’s the real reason she and I were friends. She wanted to help me, to save me, but I couldn’t even save her.
“Already told my mom we have a project to work on. I’ll be there.” The smile never left her lips.
The evening was going by so fast. The sun was setting, and the breeze was getting cooler. It was Halloween, and surprisingly, we didn’t have a party to go to. So instead, we had all met up at Nathan’s so Ryan could help him work on his car. For hours Willow and I sat there and watched them while we drank.
“Hey, baby.” I stood from my spot on the curb and walked behind Ryan and wrapped my arms around him.
“Sup?” he cooed, turning in my hold.
“Let me take the Metro around the block. I’m tired of sitting here,” I pouted.
Ryan’s little blue Geo Metro was his pride and joy. He souped it up, put on a new exhaust, and had a bumping system in it. Of course, I didn’t have a license, but that didn’t matter. Ryan was always letting me do whatever I wanted. If I had a smile on my face or let him cop a feel, he was all for it.
He fished his keys from his dirty jean pocket. “Just be careful.” He smiled.
“We will.” I gave him a quick peck on his cheek, then hopped over to the Geo as Willow followed.
We circled the block numerous times. The exhaust rumbled throughout the entire car, but when I pushed the gas harder, it got louder. The sound exhilarated me, made me want to go even faster, so I did.
I busted a U-turn in the road and gunned the gas. The last thing I remember was Willow’s smiling face, her laughing and swaying in her seat, then everything went black.
I came to after passing out when the airbag deployed late. It sent my small body flying back into the seat. I’m not sure why, but when I woke up, I knew something wasn’t right. I looked to Willow and saw her halfway slouched in the floorboard. My gut told me she wasn’t okay. I reached out my already rolled down window and opened my door, then rushed to her side of the car.
I never understood why people would say you never know what you’re truly capable of until fear sets in, but at that point I did.
We hit a pothole that sent us flying off the road and into a telephone pole. The entire block was black, no power, and Willow’s side of the car took most of the impact. Her door was mangled and jammed, but that didn’t stop me.
With all my might I grabbed the handle and yanked. My one-hundred-and-fifteen-pound frame managed to pull enough energy from my mind to rip open the door. Adrenaline is a crazy thing, something that still amazes me.
I grabbed Willow’s crumpled-up body and dragged her in the grass, away from the car. She looked fine, but she wasn’t breathing, wasn’t moving, she was just lying there with her eyes open.
I scanned her body trying to find a reason she wouldn’t be okay, but there was nothing. There was no visible organs or bones, no blood other than a few drops from a small cut on her forehead, but nothing to indicate how bad things really were.
I could see the color draining from her face, and then my panic set in. The small buzz I had from the beer was long gone. All I was worried about was Willow.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but that didn’t stop me. My body took over and worked without my mind. It was almost as if I were a bystander. Someone just hovering behind watching as everything played out.
I beat her chest and blew my short, labored breaths into her mouth. When nothing happened, I stood and ran in the direction of Nathan’s place. My legs didn’t have to carry me far though. Before I could turn the corner, headlights hit my face.
“Sonni? What the fuck happened?” Nathan yelled from the driver’s seat.
I was out of breath and weak. My mouth couldn’t formulate words because I wasn’t even too sure what had happened at that point. I jumped in the back seat and started pointing and screaming to go the direction I left Willow.
Ryan dialed 911 as the car came to a stop next to his now totaled Geo Metro. I didn’t know what to do or think, I didn’t even know how to feel. I just stood back and watched in shock as Ryan and Nathan did all they could to save Willow.
All my efforts didn’t work, and neither did theirs. Paramedics finally showed up, and I knew it was over. Willow’s lifeless eyes were closed, and her body was covered with a sheet. I killed her. I killed my best friend…
“Wow,” Dr. Keller said softly beside me.
“Wow is right.”
“What happened after that?” she asked.
“Well, Ryan tried to lie and say he was driving, but Nathan ratted him out. I ended up telling the cops the truth. I told them everything. Willow’s parents hated me. They wanted me to suffer how they were suffering, but when court came around, they decided to drop the charges. They were good Christian people and finally realized it was an accident and I didn’t mean to cause them pain. Hell, I was in pain too. I know it didn’t compare to what they felt, but I lost my best friend. All I could see every night trying to fall asleep was her face. Her pale, lifeless face. It killed me. I wished over and over it had been me.
“I thought everything would be okay, but then the state picked up the charges. I was charged with criminal negligent homicide and put on probation until I was sixteen. I was officially a felon at thirteen.” I let out a small breath. I’ve never spoken those words to anyone. No one has ever cared enough to hear my story. My side of things.
“Is that why you dropped out of school?”
“No. I always hated school, but since I was a felon, I couldn’t attend a normal school with kids. I spent three years going to school ay my probation officer’s office. Once I was finally free of my probation, I still hated school. I was brought in for truancy numerous times. The judge took one look at my record and gave me three options. Go to jail, go to school, or get my GED. I chose the last.”
She nods with tight lips, like she wants to say something but doesn’t know how to ask.
“Spit it out,” I bark.
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I know this is a touchy subject, I just have so many questions.”
“Ask away. Trust me, I’ve heard it all, but no one has ever asked me for my side. This is my chance to tell someone.”
She nods again. “Did you go to the funeral?” She says it low, almost as if she isn’t sure of her own words.
“No. Her parents didn’t want me there. I never got to see her laid to rest.” My voice cracks on the last words, but I cover it with a fake cough. No one has ever seen me weak; I can’t be weak. Being weak and having feelings get you nowhere in this fucked-up world.
“Are the charges with you forever?”
I’m thankful she doesn’t pry further into my feelings. Maybe she knows how I feel deep down, so she doesn’t need to ask. Regardless, I’m thankful for that. Her seeing me so low and having a panic attack is already more than I wanted her to see.
“They will be sealed when I turn twenty-one.”
She nods again and hops from the hood. “Okay. Let’s get you home before curfew.”
I slide down the hood of the car. “That’s it? That’s all your questions?”
“No, but the others can wait till another time.” She smiles with sad eyes.
I return her smile. “Okay,” I whisper.
Nev
er in my life have I felt connected to anyone, but with Dr. Keller, I feel she gets it. She gets me. I circle to the passenger side of the car and sink into the seat.
“Are you okay, Sonni?” she questions while buckling her seat belt.
“I will be,” I answer quietly.
Before I can say anything else or she questions me further, my phone in my back pocket starts to vibrate. I pull it out and see Alex’s name flash across the screen.
When she finally came home and invited me to the stupid party we saw Six and Avery at, I made her give me her number and had her take mine. I’ll be damned if someone else I kind of consider a friend needs me and I’m not there.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Sonni, you aren’t going to believe this,” she states. I can hear the smile in her voice.
“What? Is everything okay?”
“Oh, everything is fine, but Six is being hauled away in the back of a cop car as we speak,” she giggles.
“What?” I exclaim a little too loudly.
“He’s in a cop car. Going to jail I presume.”
“No, I got that. Thanks, smart-ass,” I deadpan.
“Just thought you would want to know. He stared right at me and told me to call you, said you would know what to do.” That’s all she says before the line goes dead.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I mumble to myself.
“What’s going on?” Dr. Keller ask, dragging me out of my thoughts.
I debate on telling her for a second. I mean, she basically works for his parents, but I have no clue what to do, so I tell her. “Six is going to jail.”
She rolls her eyes the same way I do. “That boy” is all she says before turning around in a random driveway and heading the opposite direction of Safe Haven.
“Okay, Mr. West, wait here until we can figure out what to do with you.”