by BL Mute
“If you’re just here to mock me, you can leave. I’m fine and not going anywhere with you,” I bite out.
Six loses his smirk and replaces it with his serious face. “I’m not here to mock you, Sonni. I’m here to finish business. To follow through on our deal.” He reaches into the inside of his jacket and pulls out a thick envelope. “The money I promised you is there. And so is all the information I’ve gathered about Dr. Keller.”
“I don’t want your money,” I say, my voice cracking with the words.
Truth is, I don’t need it. Alex covers all the bills if I keep things clean and cook. She’s loaded but won’t let it show. She wants to save and buy us a place in a couple of years. I do want to know what he knows about Dr. Keller though. Mainly I just want to know if she knows.
“Just take it. You can hate me all you want, I don’t care, but you wanted this, Sonni. You deserve to know the truth. Dr. Keller isn’t a bad guy, and she did care about you.”
He stands and starts to walk back to the front door, but he stops in front of me. “I love you, and I’ll be here when you’re ready to stop hating me.” His brushes my hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead.
I close my eyes and marvel at the way he still makes me feel even after everything.
“Why didn’t you love me sooner?” I ask the very question that’s been on my mind since the day I ran.
He presses his forehead to mine. “I’ve loved you since the moment I bumped into you at my party, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen that night. If I went in there and shit didn’t go to plan, I’d rather die with you hating me than loving me. It’s easier to forget someone you hate rather than someone you love.”
I open my eyes and look into his. “I could never forget you,” I whisper. “And I thought you never had a plan.”
He laughs and kisses my head again. “You’d know everything if you read my file.”
What he says doesn’t make any sense to me, but I let it go. I don’t want to ask any more questions, and I don’t want to love him more than I do, because he’s right. It’s easier to forget about someone you hate rather than someone you love.
“Come back to me when you’re ready.” He lets out on a breath, then walks out the door.
My heart tells me to run after him and scream, “I’m ready!” But my brain tells me to wait. And I do.
I walk to my couch and sit down, staring at the thick white envelope the whole time. Finally, I snatch it from the table and tear it open. Stacks of one-hundred-dollar bills fall out first when I shake it over my table, then numerous folded-up papers follow.
Not only is Six’s file there, but there is one for Dr. Keller too. I decide to start with Six’s.
Words like malnourished, broken ulna from force, and mental abuse, along with sexual abuse jump off the page at me, but I try to ignore them. I don’t need to know these things about Six unless he wants to tell me, not have me read papers formed by other people.
I read on and see mentions of Six meeting with a detective when he was placed with the McKinneys. All the dirt he had on the Stones is laid out in front of me, splashed on the white paper in black ink. Of course he wanted to get Halley out, but it was so much more than that.
Six was an informant to the cops, feeding them all of the information he had on the Stones for no other reason than to bring them down. Cass ended up paying off all the men who were there that night. I really was a distraction for that. Cass and Six both knew King wouldn’t do business, not with Six, if they were around, so that was their shot to get the men out.
Once they were gone, Cass would slip them fake bills to send them on their way, but the cops would get them before they made it out of the drive. The cops assumed it would be a bloodbath with all the goons there and wanted to limit that as much as possible.
He knew I wouldn’t be hurt because the cops had the place staked out the entire time, just waiting for Cass’s signal.
I shake my head and lay the papers down. I still don’t understand why he would want me there, but whatever. That’s a question for another time. I push away all thoughts of me and Six and focus on the other file. Dr. Keller’s file.
Dr. Jupiter Keller is on the very top of the first page in big bold letters.
Jupiter…
When Avery told me Dr. Keller was my mom, I didn’t want to believe her, I still don’t want to believe it, but with my looks resembling her so much and now knowing her first name, it has to be. I read on.
All of the basic things are there. Background check, drug test, any criminal history, and a mental evaluation.
“Odd,” I say out loud to myself. Who makes a shrink go through a mental evaluation for a job? But as I read on, things start to fall into place and make sense.
At eighteen, her father passed, and she seemed to go into a downward spiral. She admitted to drug use and alcohol abuse. When she was nineteen, she learned she was pregnant. She claimed someone named James was the father but later admitted she wasn’t sure. She got clean with her girlfriend’s help long enough to carry the child. Once the baby girl was born, she was immediately placed up for adoption, and Jupiter went back to abusing drugs and alcohol.
At twenty, Jupiter suffered another great loss. Her girlfriend, Mia, was found dead, by her, from an apparent overdose. Once cops arrived, Jupiter told them a man sold Mia bad drugs. Because of the state of Mia’s body, the cops decided to pursue action against the dealer.
After one long year, Kip Stone was found guilty of second-degree murder, desecration of a body, and rape.
“Oh my god,” I let out. Jupiter being my mom is only the tip of the iceberg.
I stand from the couch and run to my room to grab my phone. I dial Six’s number I’ve had memorized from the first time he texted me and hit Call.
“Sugar,” he breathes, almost in relief.
“We need to talk. I want to see her” is all I say before I hang up and run to throw some clothes on.
I stand outside of the place I vowed to never come back to again, Harper Valley Safe Haven, but this time I’m not alone. I have Six by my side.
“You ready for this?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.
“As ready as I can be.”
He steps toward the door, and I follow. He doesn’t knock or wait for an invitation; he just walks in and goes straight for Jupiter’s office. Once we are in front of her door, he grabs my hand and squeezes.
I kept telling myself I should hate him, but my brain won’t listen. I love the thrill he gives me and sparks that emit from our bodies when we’re together. After everything I’ve been through, I think I deserve love too. Even if it’s broken and tattered, crazy, and doesn’t make sense to anyone else, I still deserve it.
“Everything is going to be okay,” he whispers, giving my hand another squeeze.
I nod and take in a deep breath as he raises his hand and knocks. The door is pulled open, and the office I’ve been in numerous times is revealed. The colorful pots still sit in front of the window, the frames on the wall are still in place, the picture I broke is replaced, but the couch isn’t empty like before.
A man who has long legs and tattoos snaking up his arms sits there with a sad smile on his face, not letting it reach his pretty green eyes.
“Sonni, it’s good seeing you again. I’m glad you came,” Jupiter says as I walk into the room.
I’m not sure what to say. All the blood in my body rushes to my ears and muffles her voice. My hands start to shake, and my stomach turns. Not now… Not now… I try and tell myself. Now isn’t the time for an inconvenient panic attack.
I close my eyes as I stand in the doorway and try to breathe deep. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Six’s hand is still clutched to mine. He gives me another small squeeze and leans into my side.
“It’s okay, sugar. Everything is going to be okay,” he whispers.
I open my eyes and turn to him. Once our eyes lock, the world around me starts to calm. Whiskey and
water may not mix well, but it sure does a hell of a job with calming nerves.
I nod, then finally look to Jupiter. She’s in tight skinny jeans, a plain black top, and has on her Chucks that match mine. I want to ease the concern on her face and tell her the same thing Six told me, but I’m not sure I can.
My head is nothing but a pool of unanswered questions that I’m tired of swimming in. I want to know it all; I want every last detail and reason. I want to know why she didn’t love me enough to keep me.
Her blue eyes with the small purple hints battle my bright cobalt ones, but not in a threatening way. It’s almost as if she’s trying to read my mind or gauge my reactions for what will follow. Staring at her is almost like staring in a mirror of an older and more mature me, and it’s scary. As a little kid I always wondered if I looked like my mom. If maybe my thin frame and blonde hair came from her. Now I know at least the hair did, but her body is too curvy to match mine.
I always imagined her to be my savior. She would come swoop in with some sort of cape and save me from all the awful things I was being put through, but the truth is, she’s no savior. She’s been living the American dream with a handsome husband and new kid. She left me for a reason and probably never thought twice about it.
Our staring battle is interrupted when the man on the couch stands and clears his throat. “I’m James.”
He extends his hand to me, but I don’t take it. Instead, my mind works on its own and flashes pictures of Jupiter’s file behind my eyes. “She claimed someone named James was the father, but later admitted she wasn’t sure.”
Without my consent, my mouth opens on its own. “Are you my dad?”
He licks his lips and lets out a breath while reaching up to comb his hand through his tight brown hair. “I am.”
I nod, then look to Jupiter. “Why?” I ask, not caring if I sound weak or sad.
She doesn’t need to ask what I’m talking about because she knows, and luckily, she answers the question. “I was young and strung out.” She steps to the side, urging me and Six to come in so she can close the door.
“I had just lost my dad, and I was a mess. A few nights before I was due to graduate, I found out I was pregnant. I never told anyone.” She looks to James, then to the ground, ashamed of herself. “Not even James. At that point, I had never been with anyone else, so I knew he was your dad, but I lied. I didn’t want someone to track him down and tell him because I knew he would fight to keep you. Use you as a reason for me to get clean and stay clean, and I didn’t want that. So instead I broke his heart and left, then stayed hidden with the help of my girlfriend, Mia.”
She shakes her head and sits down onto the office chair that is pulled in front of the couch. “I liked being numb too much, Sonni. It was never a matter if I loved you, because I did, but I didn’t deserve your love.”
“But what if I deserved your love? Even just a small bit? You know what I’ve been through. How could you let that happen to someone you claim to love?” I shout.
Her lip starts to quiver. “It was a closed adoption. An amazing family had been chosen for you, but at the last minute, they backed out. The adoption agency promised they would find someone new, and I believed them. I was naive and needed to believe that. I needed to believe you would be with someone who loved you more, with someone who could give you the life you deserved.”
“I didn’t get that life though,” I choke out.
She hangs her head again with tears rolling down her face. “I know.”
I thought hearing a reason would make things better, but I definitely don’t feel better. I feel worse than I did when we got here. I look to James. “How did you forgive her?” I ask, knowing the desperation in my voice is thick.
If he can forgive her, maybe I can, but how? How does someone forgive another for giving a whole-ass kid away and never saying anything about it?
His eyes grow soft as he steps toward me. “Love is a wicked thing, Sonni, and it makes you forget things that seem monumental. Jupiter needed me as much as I needed her.”
He grabs my hand and pulls me to sit down onto the couch next to him. I release Six’s hand and sit. Maybe it’s because he’s my dad, or maybe it’s because he thinks the same way I do about love, but I feel I can trust him. Like, he’ll never let me down.
“She did all she could to push me away. The guilt of her decision ate at her, and she never wanted to come clean about it, but I wouldn’t leave her alone. No matter how many times I was tired of being strung along or used, I still did what she wanted me to.”
He stands from the couch and goes to the wall and pulls down one of the framed letters and a picture of them with a small boy. “This is how much it ate at her.” He hands me the framed letter, and suddenly it all makes sense.
The sad soul that goes by J is Jupiter, and her sweet, sweet James is… He’s my dad. Jupiter was really going to end it all. She was ready to clock out of the world for good because of all the pain she felt.
Without thinking, I blurt out, “Well, I must get my guts and braveness from you.”
I throw a hand over my mouth, not believing what I just said. I look to Six, and his eyes are wide with shock. James has a matching expression, but Jupiter… She laughs. A deep belly-shaking laugh with tears still running down her face.
“You do,” she lets out on a sigh after the laughs subside. “I am weak and can admit that, but James…” Her eyes find his, and they share a look. A look similar to the many Six and I have shared. “He keeps me strong.”
She turns back to me. “I don’t want you to hate me, Sonni. I know there is no excuse for what I did, but what’s done is done. I gave you the name Saturn in hopes of finding you one day, but truth be told, I was scared. I was scared to face the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have never left you. I would have made sure I was everything you ever needed, but being hurt makes people act unlike themselves, and I’m sorry for that.”
I roll her words around in my head. She sounds sincere, but it’s still just too much to take in. I have a mom and a dad, and they’re sitting in front of me right now, so why am I still angry?
“I hope one day, whenever you’re ready, you can forgive me. I’d love to have you in my life, Sonni.”
“I…” I start, but I’m not sure what to follow it up with.
“You don’t have to say anything now,” James says. “Just know we are here when you’re ready.”
He hands me the picture of them with the small boy and a piece of paper with his number sloppily scribbled down. “Day or night, you call me if you need me.”
I nod my head, emotionless. Everything is just too much to take in. I have parents. Parents who want to be in my life. And a brother, I think.
I grab the picture and paper the turn on my heel and walk out of the office, down the hall, and out the front door without Six. I climb into the passenger side of his car and wait. I wait and think. My anger is finally somewhat simmered down, but it’s being replaced with sadness. For once, I don’t try to act tough or hide anything. I clutch the picture to my chest and cry. I let the tears soak my shirt and my voice go hoarse. I cry until there are no tears left. Then, I lean the seat back in the car and turn onto my side, letting the seat belt dig into my hip, as Six opens his door and starts it.
“Are you ready, sugar?”
I want to ask him what else was said, but I’m too exhausted.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I croak out.
He rubs my back and tells me he loves me, before pushing the stick into gear, and speeding away from Harper Valley Safe Haven.
Two years… So much has happened in two years.
Once Six and I left Jupiter’s office, he brought me back to the McKinneys’ and let me wallow. He had always been what I wanted, but in the weeks that followed the talk, as I like to call it, he turned into everything I needed too.
So many nights were spent wallowing and crying, and then
fucking when the pain just became too much and I needed a distraction, but I didn’t let that last long. I picked myself up, with his help, dusted off my shoulders, and set shit into motion.
I started to form a relationship with my mom and dad, and even my brother, Grant. I worked hard to build something from nothing, because just like how I felt with Six, I deserved it. I deserved to have a mom and dad in my life.
Alex was along for the long a crazy ride too. She’s kind of turned into my only and best friend. She reminds me so much of Willow. Always so sweet and caring but won’t back down from shit either. She’s doing pretty great too with the whole escort thing. She works for herself now and makes the rules. She’s living the life, and that makes me happy. Sure, I still don’t agree with what she’s doing, but she is smart, and always safe.
Halley has been doing well too, at least as far as we know. Since the Stones have gone to prison, they’ve put her into some sort of witness protection program. It was her testimony that officially locked them away. She was so brave on that stand, telling the jury every detail. It took them less than an hour to come to a verdict for King and the others closely involved. Cass even cleaned himself up. He wanted Halley to have someone to look up to. Too bad none of us really get to see or speak to her though. One of the stipulations of keeping her safe is not knowing her location or having too much communication. Six still keeps tabs on Cass though. He won’t say it, but I feel he cares a lot about him too.
And me and Six…
The bathroom door creeks open. I turn on my side in the bathtub and see Six standing there in nothing but his blue jeans.
“Are we telling them tonight?” he asks, crossing his arms and leaning his shoulder on the doorway.
I grin a little too big. “Do you think we should? I mean, it’s Grant’s birthday. I don’t want to steal his thunder.”