In a conversation, a Connector balances the use of advocacy, stating your view; and inquiry, asking questions. When you are advocating, it is your turn to speak and be heard. You are telling a story, sharing a thought, conveying an idea, standing up for something you want or believe in. You are seeking to be understood. Inquiry is seeking to understand the other person’s thoughts and ideas. A Connector with a strength in inquiry will listen beyond the words and ask questions to understand not just what they are saying but the “why” behind the “what.”
Inquiry is the foundation for building understanding and creating connection. Effective inquiry will enable you to discover the ways you can add value. Often when a Connector hears what someone is working on, their synapses begin to spark. They are listening to discover what the other person needs, who they want to meet, and how they can be helpful. They are listening to learn, connect, and uncover opportunities to assist. Inquiry helps you figure out the WIIFT (what’s in it for them) and is one of the keys to persuasion. Whereas advocacy is working toward your WIIFM (what’s in it for me) and is one of the keys to results.
I always say the best way to get what you want is to figure out why someone else wants you to have it. If you focus on inquiry and leverage your natural curiosity to understand what is important to the other person, then you can advocate for yourself, basing it on accomplishing something that is vital to them. Curiosity sparks a natural desire in us to know or learn something, based on the spirit of inquiry that rests in all of us.
Creative Ways to Connect
Last October I received a notification from LinkedIn that my friend Maria Ross, an Authoress, had mentioned me in a post. I clicked through to a post started by James Carbary, the host of the B2B Growth podcast (B2B GrowthShow.com) and a Huffington Post contributor. Turns out he was called out for not including more women on his list posts—you know, the posts where you list the top people in a field or experts on a topic.
Stepping up to accept the feedback, he built a list of people creating and distributing original content to follow and asked for suggestions of women to include. (Thanks, Maria!) Being a Connector, I then reached out to James on LinkedIn, which led to a phone call, which led to me asking him to share the unique ways he coaches people to build targeted relationships.
It was the story James told me about creating a scholarship as a way to create relationships with his buyers, who are athletic directors, that grabbed my attention. James started a scholarship competition for their athletes to attend his character-development programs. He sent an email to every athletic director in the state of Texas asking them to nominate two of their student athletes for a $1,000 scholarship. At the end of the campaign, he had contacted every single decision-maker in the state in a value-first way—brilliant! So creative, surprising, and effective.
James poses the question, “What if we are more intentional with the relationships that we create?” I have always talked about being less intentional and to make the friends you want to, rather than the ones you think you should. Perhaps my approach isn’t always realistic. So I asked James for some creative ways to be strategic and connect to a target decision-maker or hiring manager or influencer. Here are James’s top five creative ways to proactively create relationships with the right people... at the right time.
Podcast. I know this approach isn’t for everyone, but podcasting is more accessible than you think. There are companies that can help including James’s Sweet Fish Media. His tag line is “Our service allows you to partner with your ideal clients to create industry specific content through an interview-based podcast.” As James puts it, “When you ask a potential customer to be a guest on your podcast, there’s a good chance they’ll say yes. Once someone has been a guest on your show, you have a genuine relationship with them.” To prove that genuine relationships actually map to revenue, he shares, “Within an 18-month window of time, our business has done over $165,000 in sales directly from guests that we’ve featured on our podcast. It just works.”
Do Free Work. This may not sound enticing, but the truth is, you are probably already doing it. I know I have. The first talk I did for the national organization SIM (Society for Information Management) was unpaid. According to James, “Once you’ve proven that you do great work, chances are good that they’ll end up hiring you.” And that’s exactly what happened. The head of the organization was in the audience of that free talk and immediately asked me to do the national keynote, paid. From that one free event, I booked four paid talks in the following year. Henry DeVries, CEO of Indie Books International, hosts a free seminar to help consultants learn how to market with a book or speech. I personally know a half-dozen aspiring authors who attended the summit and then hired Henry to help them execute their book projects. As James explains, “If you have a specific skill set, consider offering that skill set at no charge to your dream clients or employers. Build a relationship by making it a no-brainer to work with you.”
Give a Personalized Gift. James says, “A sure-fire way to create a relationship with someone is through thoughtful gift-giving.” This seems obvious, but I admit I could do it more. When I brought a certain CEO a bottle of his favorite tequila, it led to an invitation to meet up again and was the start of a dozen years of mentorship and friendship. James recommends two resources to help. Check out John Ruhlin’s book Giftology to learn more about the art of strategic gift-giving, and use tools like Alyce.com, which uses personal social data plus your business goals to send the right gifts at the right times to drive action. I suggest sending mail that’s bumpy. Sometimes bumpy mail is the first opened. I once sent chocolate to a pregnant producer, which got a great response. When I send a book to someone, I often include my signature pen with the green hair. It always gets a response. According to James, and I agree, “You don’t need to spend a lot of money to make an enormous impact.”
Feature Them. One of the great (and sometimes not-so-great) things about social media is that it gives everyone a voice. As James puts it, “Social media allows each of us to have our own spotlight... and we can shine it on anything we want.” Instead of posting pictures of your dinner, James suggests you “shine your spotlight on the person that you want to connect with. Talk about the book they wrote, an article they were featured in, or write a ‘best of’ blog post that includes them at the top of the list.” I can attest to the fact that this one works. I have always reached out to connect and thank the author of a list who included me. James calls it “making them look like a rock star.” And don’t forget to share the link with them when you do.
Organize a Group Participation Game. When I was working for a publishing company, one of the C-suite organized the March Madness basketball pool. My officemate was terrified when she called him only to find out it was to tell him he won! She now knew who he was because of it. Whether a pool, a fantasy football league, a book club, or the office lottery ticket, James advises, “Organizing a group can be a great way to create a relationship with someone.” Be sure to “invite other people that the person you want to connect with would want to be associated with. So if you’re trying to build a relationship with a CEO in the manufacturing industry, invite other manufacturing CEOs, investors, or possible customers to be a part of the group as well.”
Mindset Mission
Get Curious, Be Social through Questions
Curiosity is an ever-present mindset of the Connector, but it isn’t always easy for everyone. Think about the last time you were genuinely curious because you wanted to learn or know more. Rachael O’Meara, author of Pause: Harnessing the Life-Changing Power of Giving Yourself a Break (RachaelO Meara.com), shares that when she does this one thing, she instantly relaxes, has more fun, and creates deeper relationships. Her secret? “The next time you find yourself dreading an event or having a mundane conversation, pause and shift your intention to be open and more curious!”
Leveraging the techniques taught in the Law o
f Curiosity, Rachael provided this Mindset Mission to activate your natural curiosity in your next conversation. Ask yourself these questions:
What do I want to know or learn about this person right now?
What question do I really want to know the answer to?
What can I share (about me, my work, my world) to support this person based on what I’m learning?
Rachael suggests that the ideal social mindset is simply to “drop your agenda or routine, and instead focus on being genuinely curious in the moment. Conversations have a tendency to be more engaging, relaxed, and satisfying.” Adopt a growth mindset, defined by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University professor, as “a mental attitude that sees challenges as exciting rather than threatening.” 1 It makes you more inquisitive. The best part is, each of us is capable of having a growth mindset, but it is a choice we must make deliberately.
Remember, great social interactions do not have to look a certain way. In fact, I met someone who would become one of my best friends, and buddy coach, because we were both speaking at a Columbia University Women in Business event. We arrived at the same time and were trying, unsuccessfully, to get into the building. It was February and snowing, and here was this woman wearing purple suede shoes. I instantly thought that she must be awesome and complimented her shoes. We quickly joked, “How smart do you need to be to make your way into this building?” Every door we tried was locked or required a student ID. By lunchtime that day, it felt like we had known each other for much longer than a few hours. We are still great friends nearly a decade later.
Social happens everywhere. It is about being open, curious, smiling, and having a willingness to share. Social is everything you do, every post you like, and every conversation you have.
Refresh Your Memory
We are all social beings: introvert, extrovert, or ambivert—it doesn’t matter whatsoever when it comes to your ability to connect.
Find your format. Being social can look different for everyone. Select the mode that feels comfortable for you: virtual, group, or one-on-one. Remember to stretch yourself and test out other formats to grow your comfort level and connections.
The introvert’s edge. Introverts have innate skills that make them capable Connectors. They are good listeners who know how to make someone feel heard, they focus attention on the person in front of them, and they are best in the one-to-one where true connection forms.
Work the room. If you’re going to show up to an event, be positive, enthusiastic, and upbeat—and don’t have an agenda. Attend with a friend, or strike up conversations with a lone wolf who would welcome the interaction. Don’t forget to follow up to move from conversation to connection.
Leverage your curiosity by balancing advocacy and inquiry. Ask yourself these questions to help conversation flow:
What do I want to know or learn about this person right now?
What question do I really want to know the answer to?
What can I share to support this person based on what I’m learning?
Try creative ways to connect. Think outside the box to connect with a variety of people. Host a podcast, offer to do work gratis, send personalized gifts, or feature them on your social media.
Connectors Are Conscientious
“Nothing will work unless you do.”
Maya Angelou
You Have to Be Conscious to Be Conscientiousness
Conscientiousness is the personality trait of being careful, or diligent. To be conscientious implies a desire to do a task well and to take obligations to others seriously. You can think of it as personal accountability. According to my survey results, Connectors of all levels are 2.6 times more likely to have positive conscientiousness than Non-Connectors. In other words, if a Connector says they are going to do something, they do it. The follow-up and follow-through lead to credibility and strengthens your positioning in other people’s minds as a Connector. The more people see you that way, the more they want to connect with you and the more connected you become. Conscientiousness is an essential part of being a Connector at any level of the spectrum.
Some people are wired for conscientious behavior. They are punctual and organized. They are better at goals: setting them, working toward them, and persisting through setbacks. They are not easily discouraged and always have a plan. We are not all born with those tendencies. For a considerable portion of the population, time is “just a suggestion”: they see time as a restrictive and unnecessary boundary. The good news is that, according to the Journal of Research in Personality, conscientiousness is a trait that can be cultivated at any point in your life. 1 You become more conscientious by adopting the habits and attitudes of conscientious people.
To be conscientious, you must first be conscious of your current thinking. One thing I found consistent in the research is conscientious people and Connectors have an internal locus of control. My survey revealed an inclination of those self-categorized as Connectors to be 1.7 times more likely to have a strong locus of control. In other words, they believe they are in control of what happens, they take responsibility for themselves and what they do, they do not blame others or the circumstances when something goes wrong. They work hard in the face of challenges and can control their impulses. So the first step in adopting a more conscientious mindset is to begin cultivating the belief that you’re in control of your life, and whether you fail or succeed depends on you.
Do What You Say You’re Going to Do
Connectors take action. Think about the person in your office or life that you are never sure will follow through with what they promised or the person who you always give an earlier deadline to since you know they will ask for an extension. How do you feel about working with them? A lack of follow-through erodes trust, which damages relationships. If you are one of the many people who needs to work at being conscientious, here are a few suggestions.
Make a Plan
Often the challenge in adopting this mindset is that we try to configure ourselves into how someone else approaches their work or their day. Make your own plan. Consider how you work and when your energy ebbs. I am sharpest in the morning and schedule my thinking activities early, since my brain is much slower later in the day. I track what causes things to fall through the cracks and implement strategies to fill those gaps. I am a huge fan of reminders. That little chime on my phone has saved me from many a missed phone call.
Focus on a specific area of conscientiousness. You are not changing your personality; you are building skills. Simply deciding to be more conscientious will likely not work; it is too vague and broad. Instead, pick a concrete aspect to work on, such as punctuality, scheduling your day, or organizing your office, and craft a SMARTER goal. Part of planning is deciding what to do when things don’t work out the way you planned.
Don’t Phone It In
Another trait of the conscientious Connector is that they go beyond just doing what they say they will to do it to the best of their ability. There is a difference between doing something and doing it well. A conscientious person takes pride in how they execute a task. They are concerned with doing something correctly. I had an assistant whose work I constantly had to check. There was always a typo, or he didn’t send a contract out in time, or he forgot to upload a file: there was always something. He had no attention to detail and didn’t seem phased by the constant errors. He didn’t last long.
Marshall Goldsmith, bestselling author and renowned leadership coach (MarshallGoldsmith.com), shares an example of conscientiousness from his childhood. “When I was 14, we were very poor and our roof started leaking. My dad hired Dennis Mudd to help us with the roof. They recruited me to help, so we could save a little money. We worked very hard and put on this roof, and you know Dennis is very proud and does the best job he can. When we finished the roof, he looked at my father, Bill, and he said, ‘Bill, I want you to inspect the roof. If the roof is high quality,
pay me. And if it’s not, it’s all free.’ Dennis Mudd was poor, he needed the money. I looked at Dennis Mudd and said, ‘This man is poor, but he’s not cheap. Dennis Mudd has class.’”
Dennis Mudd had more than class; he exemplified conscientiousness. He stood behind his work. To access conscientious behaviors, double-check your work. Ask questions to ensure you are clear on the task and the desired outcomes. When you deliver, explain how the product ties back to the definition of success for the project. If you, like me, can’t see the typos, find a work buddy to proof it for you and do the same for them. Often those details are hard to catch when you can only see what you expect to see. If you want to encourage this approach, give and ask for feedback. Pride in your work is reinforced when you receive recognition for it.
Follow Up
Things fall off the radar. It happens to the most conscientious of us. Think about how you process your to-do list. What happens when something moves to someone else’s list before it comes back to you? That is often where things get lost in the shuffle. For example, when you check in with a client, or pass a request along, you can cross the task off your list. What happens if they don’t respond? Do you remember to check in again? It feels great to cross off a task, but there are often more stages in a task then done or not done. I have a WIP folder for work in progress that I review weekly. You can find your own way to catch those things that don’t require immediate action but are not truly completed.
I am often asked how to determine the balance between thorough follow-up with a new contact and pestering. When is waiting too long, too late? I refer to the rule of threes. I don’t think one reach-out without a response should end the attempt to build a connection. I do recommend extending the time between each reach-out. After three attempts across a few months, I would not persist. I may put them on a list for a six-month follow-up and see if it was just bad timing. A possible subject line is “This fell off our radar.” No response after that and I move on. As for too late, timely is ideal, but in the Connector’s mind a potential connection is never too late. I have had business cards sitting for six months collecting dust and will still send an email. The subject line may be, “Just found your card” or “It’s been a while,” so that the follow-up is immediately personalized.
The Connector’s Advantage Page 13