by Ian Todd
“Bit, er, whit ur we supposed tae write aboot? Ah mean, whit Ah’m trying tae say is, that’s the story ae the moment. There’s an expectation that…”
“Youse’ll get yer story wance the trial comes roond. The guff youse ur spouting is upsetting people in times ae trouble. So, stoap fucking writing shite and find another victim worthy ae yer talents. Christ, it’s Glesga. Surely ye kin come up wae something better than telling porkies aboot hard working businessmen.”
Silence.
“Bit whit…”
“Sammy, this his come fae the man himsel. Don’t you fuck wae us noo. You get thegither wae yer pals and come up wae a new angle oan life. Whit aboot aw this back-scratching amongst the plods, eh?”
“Back scratching…”
“There’s a fucking inspector living the life ae Riley, sitting up there in the hospital wing ae the Bar-L, working oot a deal that’ll get him a reduced sentence efter he bloody battered his wife tae death and aw youse kin come up wae ur made up stories aboot Wan-bob and Charlie?”
“Bit…”
“Don’t you sit there and expect me tae tell ye whit tae write aboot, ya wee fucking rodent, ye. You’re supposed tae be the journalist aboot here, no me. Jist you remember tae lay aff the people that hiv been good tae ye in the past. This is yer first and final warning, so it is,” The Goat warned him, staunin up, before swanning through the parted Red Sea fur the second time in five minutes.
Chapter Thirty One
“Oh aye, here she comes. So ye’ve managed tae drag yersel away fae lover boy tae grace us wae yer company then?” Aggie McCoy shouted oot, as Helen Birnie exaggerated her bow-legged walk behind Senga’s back, efter letting her intae DIRTY JAKE’S BOUTIQUE doon in Buchanan Street.
“Aye, they say jealousy’s a fine thing,” Senga greeted them, accepting the flute ae champagne fae Kim Sui.
“Right, Senga, plap yer sore arse o’er here and tell us aw aboot it,” Jean Maguire shouted, slapping her haun oan tae the seat ae the chair beside her, tae mair laughter.
“Listen, Ah’m saying nothing. Youse’ll jist aw slag me aff.”
“So, when kin we go up tae see him then?”
“He’s still finding his feet, plus he’s still goat a bit tae go in the recovery stakes, so he his. He warned me no tae let oan tae any ae youse whit his new address is,” she replied, smiling. “So, Ah take it she hisnae arrived…Madam Tussaud or whitever her name is this week?” Senga asked, deflecting them away fae the love ae her life.
“It’s Madame Elektra, spelt wae a K, so it is. And who’s stupid idea wis this anyway?” Lizzie wanted tae know.
“It wis Helen’s. She better be good or Ah’m demanding ma money back.”
“Listen, don’t blame me. Ah only mentioned tae Michelle, Geraldine and Senga that me and Aggie hid sat and watched a medium oan the telly wan night who’s spoken tae people’s relatives. Ah wisnae convinced that it wisnae a con. If ye want tae blame anywan, speak tae them or Donna The Prima Donna. Seemingly, she swears by this wan, so she dis.”
“How’s the job front, Pearl?” Senga asked her, as Aggie started telling a filthy joke aboot a minister, a dying spinster and a ghost.
“Ach, ye know whit like.”
“Naw, Ah don’t.”
“Ah’ve been roond by The Glesga Echo, The Evening Times and The Citizen, bit it’s the same auld story, so it is.”
“Whit?”
“They won’t entertain me withoot a reference. None ae them hid ever heard ae The Morayshire News, the lying basturts.”
“So, why wid they lie?”
“Ah’m being catty, Senga. Obviously, they widnae hiv heard ae that wee piss-pot ae a paper,” Pearl cursed, as Senga went across and gied her a wee hug.
“Ach, something will turn up, Pearl. You wait and see, hen.”
“Oh, Ah’m no too sure aboot that. Journalism is a closed shoap, especially wae the boys here in the toon, so it is. Ye’re either in or ye’re no. Even wae a reference, ye’re still no guaranteed. Ah wis maybe being a bit too hasty in dumping that auld prehistoric boss ae mine, so Ah wis,” Pearl grumbled doubtfully, as the rest ae the lassies aw aboot pissed themsels laughing at Aggie’s punchline.
“God, Ah hope this isnae another wan ae Donna’s scams,” Michelle wondered oot loud. “Remember they slender tone machines that weighed a ton? Jake nearly broke his leg tripping o’er it every time he goat up tae go tae the lavvy fur a pee in the middle ae the night before warning me that either him or the machine hid tae go.”
“Aye, Ah telt ye at the time, ye should’ve kept the machine, Michelle,” Geraldine quipped, as everywan laughed and Kim Sui topped up their glasses.
“The wan Ah hid, the belt kept whizzing across tae the other side ae the room every time ah wrapped it roond that arse ae mine efter switching it oan…”
“Ah still use ma electric knife…bit it eats up the batteries like a hungry pawnbroker.”
“Aye, bit it’s supposed tae be fur cutting yer meat, Aggie, no slipping it up yer cardigan and kidding oan ye’re aff tae hiv forty winks. She thinks Ah don’t know whit she’s up tae,” Helen said conspiratorially, drapping her voice, tae mair laughter.
“That insurance policy she sent the wee, wan-eyed insurance guy wae the squint up tae sell me? It claims that, should anything ever happen tae me, Jake will be set up fur life, so he will. Even Jake says it’s the best wan he’s ever come across. That ma ae mine took it intae work and says hauf the patients and doctors in the surgery up in Bishopbriggs ur queuing up demanding wan, so they ur.”
“Ah’m no sure aboot aw this, so Ah’m no,” Jean mumbled.
“Whit, the best insurance policy known tae man or beast?” Michelle asked.
“Naw, this Madam Elektric.”
“Why?”
“Did youse no see that film that wis oan the telly the other night there? Gied me the willies, so it did. Ah still cannae believe that Ah turned up the night.”
“No that Rosemary’s Baby wan, Jean?” Frances asked her.
“Aye, did ye watch it?” Jean asked, shuddering.
“Whit aboot it?” Pearl asked.
“Er, Ah think the clue’s in the title, Pearl.”
“Well, blow me doon wae a feather fur being so bloody thick, Frances,” Pearl retorted.
“Think ae a baby and who we’re meeting up wae the night…Christ, where hiv you been, Pearl? Another planet?”
“Well, it’s funny ye should ask that, Frances,” Pearl said tae laughter. “Kin wan ae youse tell me whit Mystic Mind Reader here’s dribbling oan aboot?”
“It wis aboot this wummin stuck in this big creepy flat…” Jean started tae say.
“Mia Farrow…”
“Who’s up the stick…”
“Like you, aye?” Pearl acknowledged impatiently.
“Well, the baby…in the womb…”
“Aye…”
“Is the devil…before he wis born, like.”
“Oh, we watched it. Scared the shit oot ae us, didn’t it Aggie? When she wisnae aff changing the batteries in that meat slicer ae hers at the scary bits, that is,” Helen said dryly, as they aw hooted, haudin oot their glasses fur a refill.
“Anyway, unknown tae her…”
“That Mia Farrow wan…”
“Is carrying the devil’s baby, so she is.”
“Ah’m sorry, Jean, bit whit the hell’s that goat tae dae wae Madam Flashbulb coming here the night?” Pearl wanted tae know, clearly no getting the connection.
“She obviously hisnae seen the film or she wid’ve goat it by noo, Jean, hen,” Helen said tae her, putting her erm roond her shoulders. “It’s awright, we aw know where ye’re coming fae.”
“Ah mean, whit if this Madam Elektric calls up the spirits?”
“Is that no whit she’s supposed tae be daeing…like, seeing as she’s a medium?” Senga said helpfully.
“It’s awright fur you, Senga. You’re used tae dealing in death, so ye ur,” Aggie reminded her. “In f
act, Ah’m surprised you’re even here, so Ah am.”
“Eh?”
“Imagine aw they patients ae yers that ye’ve failed tae save o’er the years? Here’s their big chance,” Frances said, looking aboot, as people smirked across at Senga.
“Aye, right enough, it’ll aw come oot the night, so it will,” Pearl reminded Senga, as everywan laughed.
“Ah’ve goat nothing tae be scared ae,” Senga declared, trying tae sound brave.
“Anyway?” Jean reminded them. “Wid any ae youse be here if ye wur six months pregnant? That’s whit Ah’m asking.”
“Only if ye believe in aw that shite.”
“So, why ur you here then, Michelle?” Jean demanded tae know.
“Whit’s your take oan aw this, Kim Sui?” Michelle turned and asked her, as everywan looked across at her.
“Oh, in Chinese culture, we have Youling, or ghosts, as you call them, for every day of the year,” Kim Sui replied. “They’re everywhere.”
“So, ye believe in them then? Ghosts, Ah mean?” Aggie asked, taking a skoof fae the neck ae the bottle before passing roond the champagne.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? The spirits of the dead are worshipped and revered…but also feared. There are many angry and very cross spirits out there, so you have to be careful that you don’t make them angry,” she replied, nodding towards the street ootside, as everywan inadvertently turned and quickly hid a wee swatch ae the fancy, heavy bronze, glazed doors, before turning back tae her.
“Whit? Ye mean like The Exorcist?”
“Christ, Ah aboot pished they pants ae mine up at The Odeon when we aw went tae see that wan. Remember?” Aggie reminded them, as everywan smiled, remembering their ain reaction tae it.
“Some may be like that, but they are usually justified in their anger,” Kim Sui assured them. “A particular favourite of the women in my family is called Nu Gui. You would all like her. She’s the spirit of a young virgin who appears in a beautiful long dress with her hair flowing behind her. She committed suicide after being raped. Her family buried her in a beautiful red dress. The colour of her dress was meant to signify to those who committed the crime and shamed her and her family, that she’d come back one day to avenge her death.”
“And did she…” Aggie started tae ask.
“…Get her revenge?” Helen finished fur her flatmate.
“Oh course,” Kim Sui telt them. “Another one of my favourites is Ba Jiao Gui.”
“Bah Jings Gee? Christ, whit’s that supposed tae mean?” Michelle asked, as everywan smiled at the mispronunciation.
“Ba Jiao Gui, or The Banana Tree ghost, sits hiding under the leaves on top of the banana tree. People usually tie red string or ribbons around the bottom of the tree and attach the other end of it to their bedpost at night. Before going to sleep, they stab the tree with long, sharp needles. At night, the banana ghost appears at the bottom of their bed and begs to be set free. In return, she’ll reward them with good fortune, luck and success in the future.”
“And dis it work?”
“Look about you,” Kim Sui replied smiling, wae a sweep ae that erm ae hers.
“Aye, bit whit aboot weans, Kim Sui? Is there any involving weans?” Jean demanded tae know.
“Well, sometimes The Banana Lady arrives carrying a baby with her…although no-one is sure whether it’s her own or if she’s stolen it from one of her greedy tormentors after they reneged on setting her free once they became rich and successful,” Kim Sui replied, smiling.
“So, Ah take it that aw this hokery-pokery stuff the night disnae bother you then?”
“Oh no, Michelle. Let’s hope Yuan Gui puts in an appearance. That’s who we want to hear from,” Kim Sui telt them.
“Ah thought it wis Rose Bain?” Geraldine asked.
“It is, but there are different categories of ghosts. Yuan Gui, is the ghost of grievance, and represents the spirits of those who have died of a wrongful death. They are the spirits whose souls wander, who cannot rest in peace. In China, families of those who have disappeared suddenly, in mysterious circumstances or have been murdered, seek out the assistance of spiritual mediums to act as a go-between to seek justice for their departed ones.”
“And dis it work? Dae they get tae speak tae them, like?” Jean asked oan behauf ae everywan.
“We’ll soon see,” Kim Sui replied, smiling, as a few ae them nervously looked at each other.
“Well, ye kept aw this a secret, Kim Sui,” Aggie said, breaking the ice.
“It’s strange. Johnboy telt me that he hid some sort ae dream, ae meeting up wae Wee Skull Kelly.”
“Whit, Skull, who goat burnt tae death in that dookit fire up oan Parly Road when we wur weans?” Pearl asked.
“Aye, and it wis recently tae,” Senga said. “He said that he wis talking tae him the way Ah am tae youse. The way he telt it, Ah suspect that it wis while his heart hid stoapped oan the way up tae The Royal fae Dumfries.”
“Ah’m still no sure aboot aw this, efter seeing that bloody film. Ah knew Ah should’ve listened tae Peter. He thinks we’re aw aff oor heids, so he dis.”
“Yuan Gui? He sounds like a right wee wanker, so he dis,” Michelle hid jist said, making wanking motions wae her clenched fist, as everywan suddenly jumped in their seats or let oot wee frightened yelps, as wan ae the double doors at the front ae the shoap wis loudly thumped.
“Christ’s sake, youse aw look as if ye’ve jist seen a ghost,” Donna The Prima Donna cackled, as everywan tittered nervously, aw eyes oan Madam Elektra, bringing up the rear.
“This, girls, is the wan and only Madam Elektra, who’s come aw the way fae The Calton…bit we’ll no haud that against her, eh?” Donna announced, smiling, staunin tae the side.
Everywan sat and stared at the striking looking wummin, as Donna wrapped her black fur-collared, leopard-skin coat roond the shoulders ae wan ae the two shoap mannequins, staunin there silently, looking at them. Madam Elektra wis dressed hippie chic style, in a dark purple, wan piece tye-dyed frilled dress, wae a beautiful black crocheted shawl, hauf hinging aff her slim shoulders, reaching tae jist below her waist. When she moved, the large roond earrings dangling fae under her black, shiny, curly tousled hair, gently bounced aff they lightly rouged cheeks ae hers. Covering her legs under the dress, she wore a pair ae deep purple suede boots, whose taps disappeared under the frilled hem ae the dress. Oan each wrist, silver, ornate carved bangles, jangled lightly, competing fur attention wae the myriad ae dark precious stones embedded intae the silver rings, resplendent oan they fingers ae hers.
At least she looks the part, Senga thought tae hersel, convinced she’d seen Madam Elektra somewhere before.
“Well, say something then,” Donna The Prima Donna chided them.
“Congratulations oan winning the business wummin ae the year, Donna,” Aggie kicked aff, as everywan nodded.
“Ah meant, youse better introduce yersels.”
“Oh, hello there. Ma name’s Jean,” Jean said shyly.
“So, when’s he due?” Madam Elektra asked, smiling sweetly, nodding at Jean’s stomach, as she gasped, hivving no telt any ae the lassies that Peter and her wur hoping fur a wee boy.
“Oh, er, probably sometime in January,” Jean beamed, deciding she wis in safe hauns. “And this bunch ae hairys ur Aggie, Helen, Frances, Geraldine, Lizzie, Pearl, Kim Sui, Michelle and Senga,” Jean announced, pointing and getting wee smiles in return.
“Ah, you’re the nurse?” Madam Elektra said tae Senga, nodding across tae her.
“Oh…how did ye…” Senga asked, sounding a wee bit flustered.
“Ah used tae work up at The Royal masel a few years ago. Ah remember you and Geraldine here fae the canteen. Youse wur baith working in casualty at the time, if Ah remember right. Ah wis Trisha Healy back then.”
“Still there,” Senga admitted, smiling, liking her.
“Would you like a drink, Madam?” Kim Sui asked her.
“A wee glass ae fresh orange
juice, if ye’ve goat, hen,” she replied.
“Donna?”
“Ah’ll hiv an ashtray and the champers, if it’s a good wan, Kim Sui, hen,” Donna rasped, as Aggie burped and everywan smiled, as her and Madam Elektra settled themsels oan tae the two spare seats that wur waiting fur them. “So, whit hiv aw youse been up tae then?”
“Kim Sui here’s been telling us who her favourite spirits ur,” Pearl said. “Is that no right, Kim Sui?”
“Oh, and which wans wid that be, hen?” Madam Elektra asked the host.
“Ba Jiao Gui?”
“The Banana Tree sprit? Oh, I like her. I’ve met her quite a few times oan ma travels…always popular her, so she is. Who else?”
“Gui Po.”
“Aw, a lovely auld dear. Wan ae the best, so she is. Ur ye hoping tae make contact wae her the night?”
“That would be nice,” Kim Sui replied, clearly chuffed.
“And?”
“Well…” Kim Sui replied hesitantly. “I think the girls are hoping for Yuan Gui.”
“The Grievance Spirit?” the medium asked, sounding a wee bit surprised, looking roond at the group ae trendily dressed young wummin.
“Oh, Ah decided tae let the lassies tell ye themsels, whit they wur efter, Trisha, hen,” Donna The Prima Donna admitted, before Kim Sui could reply. “Right, which wan ae youse ur gonnae fill Madam Elektra here in, oan why we’re aw oot oan a cauld, wet and windy night doon here in the toon centre,” Donna asked them, as everywan looked across at Senga.
“Me?” Senga glared at them.
“Jist tae start wae, Senga. Don’t worry, we’ll aw jump in as and when required. Won’t we girls?” Geraldine said encouragingly, as everywan smiled and nodded.
Silence.
“Right, okay, bit remember, youse’ll aw hiv tae help me oot here,” Senga replied, starting the explanation aff.
Between them, they spoke fur jist o’er hauf an hour.
“And youse want tae find oot who wis responsible fur her unfortunate demise?” they wur asked.
“Well, we wurnae really searching fur that. It wis jist as Senga said. We aw know who committed the crime…or at least, gied the orders. Whit we want tae know is, kin we trust the brief whose boss Ah discovered shagging that wee hairy prosecutor wan, that’s gied us nothing bit grief aw this while,” Michelle replied oan behauf ae them aw. “Don’t get us wrang, she’s been great…bit then, so his that traitorous boss ae hers.”