Tess just couldn’t move forward with this situation. It was only going to mess with her head. Jealousy wasn’t a flattering color for her, and she’d rather bow out than continue in a situation that was only going to be damaging to the fragile self-confidence she was finally beginning to reclaim.
Knowing what she had to do, Tess turned off her phone and hugged Red to her, mentally kicking herself for jumping from one sinking ship to another.
Trust, the woman at the amber shop had said. But now Tess wondered if the words were really meant for her, because the only person she could trust anymore was herself.
Chapter Forty-Three
Aiden,
I don’t really know how to say this, other than to be completely honest with you – this is too hard for me. I hate saying that, because I know I’m a strong person and I can handle most things, but this situation is not good for me. I miss you so much, and I’m hurting. I’m truly hurting. I know that isn’t your fault, and you were honest with me. I know you aren’t playing games, and you’re doing your best to attend to my needs from across the world. However, I just see this as a losing situation. I have to put my walls up with you. I’ve already kind of lived this, and I know how this story ends. I’m sorry, but I’m moving forward with my life.
She’d written it the night before, but hadn’t sent it, instead preferring to sleep on it and see how she felt in the morning. The morning came, and the words felt right, though it tore her apart to send them. Tess knew, though, that she had to stand for herself – nobody could do it for her. Satisfied she was making the right choice, Tess clicked send.
I understand, Tess, I really do. But I’ll be back soon with a hammer to break down your walls. I promise.
Tess hadn’t expected Aiden to be online. She wondered where he was now, and what he was doing with his travel buddy.
I’m sorry, Aiden. I just don’t believe you.
I’ll do everything I can to make this easier for you.
My walls are up, Aiden. I’m moving on.
I’ll still message you, if that’s okay? I promised I would, and I’m sticking to that. It’s okay if you can’t believe right now, I can do it for both of us.
Tess covered her face with her hands, aching for this man who was so incredibly sweet and patient with her feelings.
You can still message me, but just know that I mean it when I say I’m moving forward. You’re my friend, Aiden, and that won’t change. But that’s all this is for me now.
I know there’s more between us. I feel it deep down. If it’s meant to be… it will be. I have your amber skull with me, I carry it everywhere. I think about you constantly. I’m seeing some of the most beautiful things while diving, and yet all I want to do is have you with me to share this experience. What can I do to make this better? To prove to you that I’ll come back to you?
I don’t think there’s anything you can do.
Well, there was, but that would mean he’d have to leave his trip and travel across the world to be with her. While she often saw those grand gestures in movies, the likelihood of it happening in real life was slim to none. Gabe couldn’t be bothered to do anything to try and save their relationship after five years of marriage. Her own sister wouldn’t speak to her for the sin of refusing to tolerate her husband’s infidelity. So why would she expect that Aiden would suddenly realize his true feelings for her and leave a dream trip to come be with her in landlocked Denver? Maybe he was more of an optimist than she was, but Tess only had her own personal experience to go on. Life had shown her repeatedly that the people she expected to stand for her often did not.
I’m going to stick to what I promised you, Tess. I’m a man of my word. I miss you all the time. I will keep messaging you, and you can keep building your walls, and I’ll keep breaking them down. I’m not going anywhere.
You already did, Tess thought, but refused to type the words. She knew he wasn’t one to break his commitments. They were just going to continue this cycle of her obsessing over the fact that he’d left, and there was nothing she could do about it.
Have a nice day, Aiden. I hope you see some great things on your dives. I’m signing off.
Speak to you soon, sweet Tess.
Tess pressed her lips together and signed off, not knowing what else there was to say. She’d stood for herself, and the man didn’t seem to want to accept it. The best she could do at this point was to follow through on her words, and move on. Opening her Tinder app, she idly read through her messages and matches, thanks to Daniel’s continued scrolling, but then put her phone down. Filling the hole that Aiden’s presence left in her heart with another man wasn’t the answer either. It wouldn’t be fair to the new man, and it wasn’t fair to her. Ultimately, Tess was responsible for her own happiness.
She checked the shark-diving group she followed on Instagram. They still showed no availability, but she e-mailed them anyway. Who knew, maybe a spot would open up. Then she got back to work on her novel.
A few hours later, she checked her in-box, and found a reply.
Hi Tess,
Thanks so much for contacting us. As it turns out, we had a cancellation just a day ago and have one spot open for our trip to Cat Island to dive with the oceanic whitetip sharks. I’ve attached all the information. If you’d like to join us, please let us know as soon as possible; otherwise, we’ll post the opening on our social media.
“Yes!” Tess exclaimed, fist-pumping the air. Two weeks diving in the Bahamas to forget about family troubles and Aiden? Sign her up. Sending in her information, Tess confirmed her spot and then pulled out her calendar to begin mapping out the next six weeks of her time. If she had a plan, an agenda she could stick to, maybe, just maybe, Tess could begin to get over Aiden and move forward with her life like she’d promised herself she would.
An hour later, she had dates with her editors, plane tickets secured, and the beginning of a new outline for the next book in her series.
“There,” Tess said. “I’m taking care of my own happiness. See, universe? I can handle my shit.”
Chapter Forty-Four
“Oh, Vicki, hi,” Tess swallowed nervously, surprised that Vicki had answered the call. She moved to her office, and sat in her desk chair, leaning forward to pull a pack of Post-it notes to her.
“Hi. David’s not here right now.”
“That’s okay, maybe we can talk?” Tess asked. “I was hoping we could move forward?”
“Doubtful,” Vicki bit out and Tess ripped a Post-it note from the pad.
“Really, Vicki? Is that tone necessary?”
“You’re the one who created this situation, so you’re the one who has to deal with my mood. What did you expect? Me to sit here and be cheerful with you?”
“I didn’t create this situation, Vicki. If you recall, you’re the one who told me to have a nice life,” Tess said, ripping the square of paper to shreds on her desk.
“Well? You always refuse to see things my way. It always has to be what Tess wants, even if it’s the wrong choice. And now you’re off doing god knows what in Colorado, all ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ and you can’t even take time for your family anymore.”
“How am I supposed to take time for my family if you won’t answer my calls?” Tess asked, pulling a second piece of paper out and beginning to shred it.
“Oh, please. You’ve barely called. You’ve been too busy hanging out with those homos next door.”
Tess froze. “You don’t get to use those words with me,” she hissed.
“And you don’t get to tell me what to do! Nobody tells me what to do, let alone you, Tess.”
“I don’t give a shit what you believe, but don’t use your hate speech with me. You have no idea about me, my friends, or my life.”
“I would know about your life if you had stayed here instead of galivanting all over the world. And to think – you kept so many secrets from me. How was I supposed to know about all the troubles in your marriage? You never told me any
of it.”
“That’s because it was private, Vicki. That’s what happens with a husband and wife. Certain things are meant to be private, between the two of them. I am under no obligation to share my personal marital issues with you.”
“Well, don’t expect me to be crying in your corner for you then,” Vicki huffed.
“I expected you to be there for me.” The pile of ripped paper was growing rapidly.
“Maybe if you were less combative, I would have been.”
“Combative? Are you kidding me? I’m so sick of you saying that. You’re the one who is bullying me to try and fall in line with what you want and what you think – shit, you can’t even respect my wishes to not call my good friends names.”
“Bully!” Vicki all but shrieked. “I am not a bully.”
“Um, yes, you really are. You are so controlling you can’t even see it. When I didn’t agree with how you wanted me to handle my problems, you told me to have a nice life and then stopped talking to me. Don’t you know that is what a bully does? They manipulate you through silence, or through full-on attack to get what they want. You expect me to kneel to you, to kowtow to what you want, and when I don’t? You withhold your love. Emotional bullying,” Tess said.
“A bully! As if,” Vicki seethed. “Listen, you do what you want – if you need to slut all over the place on those dating apps, even though it’s obviously too soon for you to be dating, and hang out with all the liberals out in Denver smoking pot, then so be it. I don’t even know you anymore.”
“I don’t think you ever really did.” Tess clenched her fist around a ball of paper.
“Whatever, Tess. I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations as a sister. I think it’s best that I just keep you at arm’s length from now on, and protect my family from you.” Tess’s mouth dropped open.
“Protect… your family… are you actually kidding me with this?”
“This is just the way it needs to be, Tess,” Vicki said, her voice smug, happy to be taking control of the situation again, holding Tess’s nephew as leverage. “I don’t think I want your influence in our lives.”
“My influence? What? Free-thinking? Non-conformist? I’m sorry you can’t support a fellow woman who is starting her life over, Vicki, not even your own sister.”
“Combative, lying, hiding, sneaky,” Vicki ticked off.
“Seriously, standing up for myself is not combative. I’m not picking fights with you, Vicki, I’m just not letting you dictate my life. There’s a huge difference,” Tess all but shouted. “And just because I don’t tell you everything about my life doesn’t mean I’m a liar! There’s a damn good reason I keep things from you – you have an opinion on everything. Everything has to be done your way, or you have to give your two cents on what I should be doing. Look at you, you’re the first person to tell me ‘I told you so’ or that I should have just done things your way in the first place. But what if your way doesn’t make me happy? If I don’t share things in my life with you it’s because I know you’ll try to tell me what to do, and be upset if I don’t follow your advice. Just for once, could you trust me to make my own choices?”
“You do what you want, Tess, you always have.”
“Why is it on me to change, Vicki? Why do I always have to be the one to come make amends, or bow down to what you want? When will you say you’re sorry or look at your behavior for once and realize what you’re doing is wrong?”
“I’m not the one with a broken marriage who is running from her problems.”
“I’m not running from my problems, Vicki. I’m in therapy. I’m writing my books. I’m dating again. I’m just learning to be me again. Me without someone by my side. Me who follows her own passions and dreams. Why is that so scary to you?”
“It’s not scary, it’s just ridiculous. Traveling around the world alone? Shouldn’t you be at home, keeping that so-called career of yours on track?”
“My career is fine. Newsflash, I can work from anywhere. I just need my laptop,” Tess said, pinching her nose, her frustration with her sister’s inability to ever look at her own actions with any objectivity making her want to throw something – namely her sister.
“Shouldn’t you be a better sister? One who supports my path instead of blocking it? One who stops trying to control my every move and instead accepts me for who I am?”
“Oh, please, Tess. I’ve been there for you for everything – everything! And you continue with this same shit that I control you, when I’m the one who knows what’s best for you. Shit, I practically raised you after Mom and Dad –”
“I was an adult then. I am an adult now. I don’t need you to raise me, Victoria.”
“Why is it always about you, Tess? Everyone always talks about Tess and her writing, Tess and her travels… Tess this, Tess that. When I’ve worked my ass off for the life I have and am very proud of,” Vicki spat out.
Tess sat back, stunned. “Nobody has ever said it’s all about me. I don’t know where you’re getting that from. But for the last time, this is not a competition on who is doing better at life. It can’t be a competition because we aren’t playing the same game. We both want different prizes. Can’t you accept that and love me nonetheless?”
“You and this competition crap again. I’m not competing with you, Tess. As if.”
“And you continue to not listen, just like you always have.”
There was a moment of silence while both sisters recognized the impasse before them. “I won’t be coming to Easter this year; I’m going scuba diving.”
“I didn’t invite you to Easter.”
“I know you didn’t, Vicki,” Tess said, sadness washing through her. They would never come to an agreement. At least not anytime soon. But if the door was to be closed, at the very least, she could close it with kindness. Sometimes standing up for herself royally sucked, Tess thought, so tired her body ached. “But I’ll say this, Vicki. You’re family, and I love you. Even if we don’t agree on many things, my love for you is there no matter what. I hope someday you’ll realize that.”
“Honestly, Tess? I love you, too, but your actions have consequences. You’ve created this situation, now you have to live with it.”
“I…” Tess looked at the phone to see her sister had hung up. She put it gently down on the desk beside a mound of Post-it notes, once whole, that now lay in shreds, mirroring her relationship with Vicki.
She realized love alone was not enough to put the pieces back together. She’d been questioning love a lot this year, and though everyone often spoke of unconditional love, she just wasn’t certain it existed. Relationships didn’t come with guarantees, but they did come with a hell of a lot of conditions.
Tess wondered if she was doing the right thing. Was standing up for herself worth losing her sister? Was there a way she could live her life on her own terms, and still have her family in it? She didn’t want this. For all the challenges in their relationship, she still needed her sister. Vicki had always been there for her, even if it came with a side of judgment. She’d been bossy since they were little, but Tess knew it was her way of showing she cared. The problem was Vicki couldn’t accept that as adults they were equals. She had to be the older, wiser sister who was in charge no matter what. Tess did want to mend what was broken between them. She just didn’t know how.
Chapter Forty-Five
If only moving on with her life was as easy as it looked in the movies, Tess thought. In theory, she’d stood up for herself, put her boundaries up with Aiden, refused to be bullied by her sister, and had stayed true to following through on her creative endeavors and exploring her passions.
So, why did she still feel so numb?
Perhaps it was because the last year had been an emotional rollercoaster, as her therapist had pointed out repeatedly. This time last year she’d been talking about moving to Colorado with Gabe. Healing doesn’t have a timeframe, and if anything, Tess needed to be kinder to herself. As much as she wanted to fast-forward
through the process, she couldn’t deny that she was hurting.
Nobody said change would be easy.
Tess sighed as she chose a beach cover-up from her dresser, rolled it into a small ball, and tucked it next to her fins. It hadn’t been easy, she thought, kneeling back on her feet. In fact, next to losing her parents, it had been the toughest year of her life, with so many highs and lows. She’d gained her freedom, a chance at a new beginning, and a strong understanding of the type of behavior she would and would not accept in her life. But it had cost her her family. She wondered if this was why people stayed in bad relationships and shitty jobs, because change meant having to examine all those icky feelings that were easier ignored than dealt with. Comfort zones were a trap.
“Eyes forward,” Tess reminded herself, zipping her bag closed. Her flight was early in the morning, and she needed to rest, but her brain refused to allow her to do so. Instead she zipped about, going over checklists repeatedly, as she had a tendency to do before any trip. Finally, she settled her mind on the one thing that had stayed steady for her through the last six weeks.
Aiden.
True to his word, he continued messaging her, plodding steadily along toward his goal of breaking down her walls. Tess found herself incapable of shutting him from her life. She did let more time lapse now in responding to his messages, sometimes not answering for days, yet every day or so he’d send her a message about what he was seeing and how much he missed her. It was like the man stubbornly refused to hear her. She’d told Aiden he was just a friend. Of course, they both knew she was lying.
He had called her again last week.
“I just want to know if there’s anything else I can do to make this easier for you,” Aiden asked. She could hear the waves of the ocean behind him.
Ms. Bitch: Finding happiness is the best revenge. Page 25