Have Wroom Will Travel

by Jim Conder

  “Romantic physical activites,” Damien corrected. Susan fixed him with a stare, then slowly reached up and removed the pins from her bun. Her black hair flowed down her back like a dark river and she gave it a shake. She walked over to a large walk-in closet on the far side of the room.

  “Maggie,”she called,”help me find something more apprpriate.”

  Damien watched her walk in and gave a half grin, half sigh.

  “I definitely want to watch this,” he said.

  And the world continued to devolve from lack of magic. The gnomes began to solidify into garden statues, the gremlins to small ugly vehicles.Large brutish ogres turned to high school physical education teachers, though no one really nooticed.

  The kudzu continued to grow.

  Though she would never admit it to Damien, Susan had begun to regret this rather rash plan of action. First of all the lacy negligee she and Maggie selected, had been designed to be somewhat revealing yet covering enough to tease, assuming you had the bosom to hold the hold the bits of cloth in place. On Susan, however, the two strips of cloth simply dangled looselly, and every time she walked they swung from side to side, flashing whoever happened to walking past.

  Secondly, Susan had faced trolls without the slightest hint of fear. She had beaten back the mermen with little effort. She faced down giant city destoying beasts with out batting a lash. But finally she had met an enemy she couldn’t seem to conquer: six inch spike heeled pumps.

  Susan always wore flat, in either her sandals, or her boots. She had never previously in her life seen a need for high heeled shoes, and had never thought for an instant about what it would be like to walk in them. Very difficult it turned out. She’d practically broken her ankles twice before mastering a stumbling sort of walk that seemed less like the walk of a seductress and more like that of a whino who’d just drunk an entire bottle of aftershave. She considered carrying them until she found Malventia.

  She’d topped off the outfit with a pair of fishnet hose and had a devil of a time getting the seams straight. Why all of this clothing had been in the closet of Damien’s father couldn’t be explained, and frankly the three of them hadn’t wanted to dwell on it much.

  “Here, let me help you with those,” Damien said, kneeling down to straighten her seams. Had Susan not know him better, she could have sworn he looked a bit flushed.

  “Are you feeling all right Mr.Taft?” Susan asked him. Twisting her hips slightly to obtain a better pose. Damien’s eyes never left her.

  “Me?Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine,”he replied, taking off his hat.

  “It’s just that you seem a bit red,” Susan said, looking at him through half closed eyelids.

  “Oh, really? well you, it’s, well it’s a bit warm in here,”He said, fanning himself with his hat. “Don’t you think?

  “Oh, possibly,”Susan said, slowly licking her lips “possibly it is a bit, hot, in here.”

  “Well, you know these old castles, “Damien said, swallowing hard.”Freezing in the winter,and well um hotter than blazes this time of year.”

  “well,” Susan said turning away,”I guess I have a job to do.”

  “A job? Oh yes, yes, a job right,”Damien said.

  Susan walked slowly out of the room, her hips swaying side to side. Stumbling on the heels marred the effect slightly, but not much. Susan looked over her shoulder at Damien, and gave a wink and a smile. He seemed to have trouble getting his mouth closed. This outfit, Susan decided, was going with her when they left.

  Vlad Draco recovered his Dark Wizards robes and the dignity that went with them. He tried to summon a magic circle to flee this place, then smacked his forehead when he remembered that all of the world’s magic now rested in the hands of Malventia. He sighed, somedays it just wasn’t worth it to be a Dark Wizard.

  He stepped into the coridor, where he met two familiar face wandering around.

  “Grod! Glod!,” He began.

  “Huh huh, he’s wearing a dress,” Grog said.

  “Dude looks like a lady,” Glod said.

  “What is the…”Vlad said, before noting the glazed eyes and dazed expressions. Damned Munchkins.

  “We’re like, looking for the kitchen,”Grog said.

  “Yeah, we’re like really hungry man”Glod added. The two of them wandered off aimlessly. No magic, useless henchmen, Vlad shook his head sadly.

  “some days you just can’t catch a break,”

  He now doubted the wisdom of deserting Damien and the two witches. In fact, somewhere deep within the recess of his mind came the treacherous thought that perhaps his son had been right. Vlad had been a villain since he’d been old enough to grasp the concept, but now … age had begun to rear it’s ugly head and all Vlad could really call his own were the family’s dark castle and a lot of stories. stories of failures.

  He needed to find Damien again. The boy had his mother’s brain, though not, fortunately enough, her tendency to kill everything she found annoying. Damien would know what to do. Maybe he knew of counselling services, or one of those twelve step programs for villains on the mend.

  Malventia had left the study and found a small drawing room off to the side of the castle. She sat on the end of a sofa, carefully handling the medallion to preserve this piece of furniture, directing the beam of magic at a potted plant, which began to glow a soft violet light. She looked around the room, and felt a bit disconcerted by a large dragon’s head mounted on the ceiling. She could have sworn it watched her every move.

  There had to be a way of controlling this damn thing, she thought, inadvertantly turning a couple of wall sconces into purple paisley porcupines pensively playing penuckle. She couldn’t even think of it (the curtains began typing love letters to each other) without setting it off. In her younger days, Malventia had once tried to play every member of the court of hell against each other, while simultaneously seducing the King of Hell himself.

  It had been the only time in her life in which she had gotten in over her head, and it had ended very very badly. She wondered if perhaps she weren’t headed for the same thing now. Too much power, too soon and she couldn’t control it.

  She shook her head to clear it. she had the ultimate power in the universe and nothing would make her give it up. Only the weak suffered self-doubt, and Malventia had never been weak, nothing lay beyond her abilities. she would learn to control it., then the world, no not just the world but even the courts of heaven and hell would be hers to command.

  Clear definite, and acheivable goals are the secrets to sucess in any endeavour, she thought.

  Under normal circustances Susan walked with a firm steady,business like and above all, quick stride, the walk of someone with somewhere important to go. She even walked this way when home alone and simply steeping out to the outhouse. But now her speed had been halved, both to practice walking in a sexier fashion, and because she really didn’t want to trip in these stupid heels.

  As a result her progress through the corridors had been far slower than she would have preffered. It didn’t help that the map Damien found had been somewhat out of date and, they soon realized, they had no idea where in the castle Malventia actually had gone.

  She knew she had to do this alone, though Damien and Maggie trailed behind her, keeping hidden in the shadows as muchas possible. She tried to ignore the growing knot in her stomache and picture in her head the way the scen would go. Walk sexy, talk sexy, sidle up beside Malventia, grab medallion, smash it. It seemed easy enough.

  From a doorway up ahead Susan saw the flash of green light, then heard a female voice say:

  “Dammit!”

  The largest, wartiest mauve frog Susan had ever seen danced out of the room in a top hat and carrying a cane. Susan watched as he danced and sang his way across the corridor and into another doorway. She crept forward to peer into the doorway from which he had come.

  Inside she saw Malventia standing beside the sofa, clutching the medallion, her eyes closed in concentration. a flas
h of green light and the fireplace poker ran screaming from the room. Malventia opened her eyes and saw Susan standing in the door way.

  “Who are. . oh, it’s you,”Malventia said,”You’ve… changed a bit.”

  Chapter 11

  Pudding Wrestling and Death

  Out in the corridor, Damien noticed something. Along the wall, about ten feet from the door to the drawing room, several of the stones were a slightly different color drom the rest, as if one section of wall came from a different quarry. A quick once over, and Damien realized that a gap, unfilled with mortar, seperated the normal stones from the new ones.

  The stone lying behind a nearby torch sconce had tiny almost imperceptible scatch marks on it. He turned the sconce and watched as the newer stones slid away. This sort of ting happened quite often in older castles like this one. At the time of the castles construction this had all been cutting edge secret passage technoology and not yet cliched.

  “Stay here,”he whispered to Maggie,”signal me if anyone is coming.”

  He crept down the passage as quietly could. In fact he crept up the passage way, since it had a very definate and steep upward slope to it. At the end of the passage he found a hole in the wall with a trange shape protruding further on from it. Damien realized he was looking at the inside of a large dragon’s skull, probably a hunting trophy mounted on the wall of the drawing room.The eyes had been replaced with green glass, which allowed Damien a good view into the drawing room. He saw Susan entering the room.

  Susan looked ar Malventia and fluttered her lashes. despite the fact lash fluttering did not come natural to her, She’d been practicing for over an hour now and thought she had it down pretty good.

  “Is there something in your eye?”Malventia asked.

  Susan crossed the room as Malventia watched her. They both sat down on the couch, Malventia on one end, Susan on the other. after a moment the problem dawned on Susan and she slid up next to Malventia. she tried to think of exactly what should come next. She would never tell him but Damien had been right, she did not have a lot of experience in these matters.

  “What do you want?” Malventia asked. Susan began to softly stroke Malventia’s legs, sliding her hand under it and laying it across her lap. She slid her fingers back up the leg and across Malventia’s stomache.

  “Hmmm, this is a surprise,”Malventia said softly,”what about Damien?”

  “What about him?”

  “I thought you and he had a thing going on”

  “Oh, please,”Susan said, sliding one arm around Malventia’s waist and pulling them closer together. “He served his purpose.”

  “Oh really,”Malventia said with a giggle ,as their faces came closer together. Suddenly she stopped and looked to one side.”That dragon head on the wall …”

  “What about it?”

  “Does it look like the eyes are steaming up to you?”

  Inside the dragon’s head, Damien waited until Malventia looked away agia, then quickly cleared the steeamed up windows with his sleeve. He pressed in closer to watch, er, keep an eye on Susan.

  “Mr. Taft?”

  Damien jumped at the sound of Maggie’s voice, banging his head against the top of the dragon’s. He bit off a curse, by biting his tongue. He held a finger up to his lips to tell Maggie to be quiet.

  “What’s going on Mr. Taft?” Maggie whispered.

  “I’m just, er, watching out for Mistress Crone,”he said quietly. “Now you just…”

  “What’s going on in here? What are…”Damien jumped forward and his hand clasped across Vlad Draco’s mouth, as Vlad made his way up the passage.

  “Shutupshutupshutup!”Damien whispered.”Maggie go out to the corridor and warn me if anyone else is coming.”

  “You need to leave also,”Damien told Vlad as Maggie left.

  “Why, what’s… Helllllooooo Nurse!” Vlads said, catching a glimpse of the scene in the drawing room.

  “Move over,”Damien said,”That’s my spot.”

  “Hey you’re witch is wearing my…”Vlad paused and looked at Damien, “er my my last mistress’s clothes.”

  “Good thing you all wore the same size.”

  Susan ran her fingers along Malventia’s neck, pausing lightly to linger the chain holding the medallion. She needed to be subtle about this. Any sudden moves could be dangerous. Her hand moved around the back of Malventia’s neck. Susan felt Malventia’s arm encircle her waist and pull Susan closer. Malventia licked her lips.

  In an instant their mouths touched. Susan fought to control her embarassment. Malventia’s tongue entered Susan’s mouth and Susan relaized with revulsion that what had seemed to be a normal tongue, felt forked, snake-like and far longer than normal as it licked Susan’s own tongue.

  “Oooh yeah, let’s get those clothes off girls,” Vlad said, watching the scene below intently.

  “Dad,” Damien said with a sigh,”Please be quiet.”

  “Like you’re not enjoying this,”Vald repsonded.

  “That’s not the point,”

  “You know,”Vlad said, tearing his gaze over to his son for a brief moment “I can’t believe you gave it all up.”

  “Believe it,”

  “But you’re so good at this type of thing, much better than I am,”Vlad diad,” I tend to get to directly involved., The best villains always stay one step removed.”“

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The way you can get other people to do all dirty work,”

  “Is that what . .’Damien paused and looked down at thge scene below in horrifie realization.

  “You’ve always had a knack for manipulaion,”Vlad said, admiration in his voice.”I’ve always just had to pay people.”

  Damien staggered backwards,”I think I’m going to be sick..”

  “Mr. Taft, Mr. Taft!”Maggie whispered urgently, as she ran up to him,”someone’s coming.”

  “Did you see who?”

  “Those two big guys you’re father hired,”

  ` “Oh great,”Damien looked at his father, “Dad, watch Mag… wait scratch that. Maggie, watch dad. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

  “Hey!”Vlad cried.

  “Quiet dad,” Damien ran down the passage way, and cautiously looked out. Three seconds too late.

  Susan concentrated on the clasp of the chain, trying to ignore the flickering tongue in her mouth. She could feel the catch and fumbled to cause it to relaese. When it seemed as though Malventia might be getting suspicious, Susan Quickly began running her fingers through the succubus’s long blond hair. After a moment she worked her hand back down, There, she just about…

  “Whoa, Hot chick action!” Glod said as he and Grog burst through the door. Malventia stood quickly shoving Susan away from her. The witch tumbled to the floor as the demoness glared at Grog and Glod.

  “YOU IDIOTS, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU BOmmmmmmmmmm~” came a shout from the dragon’s head upon the wall . Malventia fired a beam of magic at it and the head burst into butterflies. Behind it, looking through a whole in the wall, Malventia saw Vlad with Maggie’s hand futily covering his mouth. A second burst of magic came at them, but Maggie ducked, jerking Vlad down by his braid. The wall behind them turned to orange marmalade.

  ““You, you tricked me,:Malventai said, fixing Susan with a hard stare. She aimed the medallion and fired at Susan who rolled to the left just missing the blast. The carpet melted. Malventia turned the medallion to fire it again.

  Outside the room Damien stopped short as the future hit him in hte face. The problem with precognitiion is that sometimes it comes when you don’t want it to. By the pricking of his thumbs, Damien knew something evil would come from the medallion with it’s next blast. He saw less than a minute into the future and knew what would come next, or the two most likely options anyway.

  If he went in there he’d die.

  If he didn’t Susan would die.

  “Susan,”He called as he burst into the room, seizing a va
se and hurling it at Malventia. She turned the medallion away from Susan and aimed it at him. A green blast tore through the vase and hit Damien .

  The burst of magic slammed him into the wall. He cried out in pain as green eldritch flames wrapped around his body. His flesh burned and peeled away from his body, leaving only a skeletal remains to collapse to the carpet. Susan gasped, but as she gasped she made it a point to jump up and grab the medallion. Malventia reach up to prevent Susan from getting it. Green tendrils sprang from the medallion, warpping around their arms . Both women stared hard into each others eyes,

  “They’re both in contact with the medallion,”Vlad said, peering into the room. “It’s now a battle of wills.”

  “You don’t know what you’re dealing little witch,”Malventia said, horns growing from her forehead, “I’ll eat your soul!”

  “How about a knuckle sandwich instead?”Susan asked, as her free fist crunched Malventia’s nose. The demoness fell backwards from the force of the blow. The chain snapped and the medallion jerked free from both of them and flew into the air.Green energy crackled as a beam of magic transformed the floor. Four posts with ropes attaching them together spang up, while the floor boards changed substance.

  “Allright!”Grog cried,looking at the changed scene,”Pudding wrestling!”

  As Malventia went for the falling medallion, Susan grabbed the succubus by the wrist and slung her into the ropes. Malventia bounced off the ropes and came back at Susan. the witch held out her arm and clotheslined the on rushing demoness. Malventia went down and and Susan went for the medallion. Malventia jumped up and grabbed her. She wrapped one arm around Susan’s throat and used the other arm to hold it in place.

  Trapped in Malventia’s sleeper hold, Susan fought for consciouness. She fell to her knees in the chocolate pudding. As the darkness closed in, she maaged to grab a handfull of pudding and fling it into Malventia’s face. In the moment of surprise, she broke free. A wave of pudding sloshed the medallion away from them both.

  Malventia went for it, but Susan kicked around, catching Malventia in the side. Susan struggled towards the medallion, and Malventia jumped on top of her, pushing her face into the pudding. Susan rolled over and broke free. Both women stood to face each other, and Susan grabbed her opponent, lifting the demoness up and body slamming her into the chocolate sludge.