The raw sadness in his eyes clashed with the slight upturn of his lips and she let her mind believe it was her that he wanted, even if Conall only sought to escape a decreed marriage. With a slow crawl, his fingers trailed down her jaw before falling away and she bit her lip to prevent letting free the groan that had built with the exquisite contact.
Okay, so maybe he did mean me.
Neither one moved, so she shared her long night. “I don’t understand anything here.” The simplification of loss, pain, desire and confusion had him nodding in understanding.
Abruptly he turned to the stairs. “I will take you.”
As he began his descent, Bella ran ahead, and she noticed the massive sword strapped to his back. “Where are you taking me?” Not sensing any concern about the armed warrior in the lead, it still struck her as an odd comment.
Turning to the front doors, Conall pulled them open and waited for her to pass. Chilly, damp air washed over her and she pulled the plaid around her while inhaling Conall’s unique aroma to the fabric.
Bella dashed off to the clear area by the cliffs and Conall headed for the stables with a promise of a quick return. Sarah stood in the cobbled courtyard, mesmerized by the fog that swirled at her feet as her skin felt Conall’s distance and the second he began to move closer. Why do I physically feel him?
In the dark pre-dawn mist, his approach carried an otherworldly air, the dark outline of his massive build revealing itself with each step. But the large mass at his side had her calling for the dog.
“Would you prefer your own mount?” his rich voice asked with hushed tones that mirrored the silent grounds.
“Why do I need a mount?” Sarah stared at the stallion at his side. Then she added, “I don’t know how to ride.”
“Then you will be taught,” Conall crooned to her as he stepped directly in front of her. “I will take you to the place you. . . where you came to me.”
That’s a poetic thought. If only that were true.
Lifting her head to see more than his neck, she blinked rapidly, not quite sure how he guessed a desire she had yet to realize. But he answered before she could form the question. “‘Tis where I would seek to go if I were you. Come, Sarah.” Conall held out his hand and waited for her take it.
Sarah hadn’t been certain if that had been her goal but knew it would be eventually once she had worked up the courage to ask. “Thank you.”
Instead of speaking, his large, warm hands gripped her hips and lifted her onto the waiting beast without a single pause. Then she shivered as he mounted behind her and her back rested against a rock-solid chest while muscular thighs pushed against the slides of hers.
“Do you wish for another plaid? The air still carries the night’s chill.” His breath flitted over her temple causing another burst of shivers.
“I’m fine,” she lied, knowing it hadn’t been the cold, but rather her inexplicable reaction to him.
An arm banded around her waist as his powerful legs urged the horse to move. With a quick command, one gate opened enough for them and the dog to pass. Only the clip of hooves and dog paws filled the still air as the moon dipped low on the horizon, signaling dawn’s approach.
Sarah only saw shadows and the shaded difference between trail and trees. Savoring the uncanny sensation of security mixed with bliss, she leaned back to savor the moment, certain it would never come again.
So not fair. I lose everything and find him only to find out I don’t even get a single shot. Romance novels lie.
Minutes passed with Bella darting on and off the trail behind them, never once causing her concern. Conall’s beard occasionally tickled her temple and she wholeheartedly knew that they both stole small touches and seemingly innocent contact that remained far from chaste in her mind that wanted him without reason.
The arm around her waist tightened as he pulled lightly on the reins. “You came to me here.” The free hand pointed into a clearing while her thoughts relished his description that caused his lips to make the briefest of contact with her temple, after his nose had pushed her hair aside.
In a flash, Conall dismounted and then lifted her down by her waist giving her hands ample opportunity to cover his biceps that bulged delightfully. With a slight nod, he stepped back and waited for her next move.
Bella raced into the clearing, and her gaze followed the dog’s path, but the creature only sniffed the ground instead of finding a way back to their reality. Sarah strode forward on jellied legs that seemed to know walking away would be futile. No visions of her home were present, no tingling to signal a portal; there were only shadows layered in fog within a forest about to waken.
The black sky subtlety shifted to pale light as she roamed the area with twigs and foliage crunching underfoot. With the beginning of daylight, she found the view she had seen only yesterday morning from the backyard, sans Peter. If Bella sensed anything, she never reacted.
Staring at the scene, only to shift her spot to view where the door had been, changed nothing. A cold certainty filled her mind and poured over her that the door wouldn’t be back. The sky lightened to a cerulean blue and Sarah wondered why no tears filled her eyes, why her grief couldn’t be purged with such a simple, yet cleansing act.
She felt Conall at her side, though she spoke to the trees. “I’m stuck here. No one will ever know what happened to me.” Anguish trampled her heart with what her parents would experience. She would never plan the expected and demanded baby shower for Rachel, never meet her future nieces or nephews. The world she knew, her career, her family and friends were gone all because she had thought of the dog before her safety. Casting her gaze to Bella, she forced the blame away. I jumped in after her. That was my choice alone. Given that I have a history of not entertaining the impact of helping others and placing their needs first, my act is so not surprising. Crap, this is a lousy time for relevant self-introspection.
To his credit, Conall remained silent as she gave voice to her fears for her parents, her sister’s children-to-be, and the likely horrid party Aunt Marge would throw. She spoke of friends and colleagues who would search and then to what she had wanted in life. “I’ll find none of that here. No career to satisfy me, no family, and no understanding of what to do.” Self-pity and depression reigned, and she welcomed the new mental companions.
“I ken the sorrow of missing those you love. My parents are both gone, as is my younger sister. Nay a day passes without thoughts of them. But you have the clan to call your own and Peter will stand as kin to you.” Conall’s gentle voice washed over as he stepped in front of her. “We will all care for you.”
Nodding, her mind told her to move away lest grief transformed into temptation, the ultimate substitution, when his arms wrapped around her and pulled her close. Being against him felt too damn perfect and only increased her insane longing toward Conall.
With his cheek resting on the top of her head, he asked, “Did you leave a husband behind?”
Despite the emptiness filling her soul, she chuckled against his shoulder. “No, there was no one.” Leaving out the tale of love gone wrong that left her alone, her arms wrapped around his waist to take the comfort he offered.
But I had always hoped there would be someone to build a life with, to take care of even as he took care of me. I wanted it all, the picket fence and the dream of everything.
Conall accepted her simple answer and merely held her, a hand running over her hair. His benign touch was sweet and gentle even with his fingers tangled in the curls. “I wondered how it would feel.” His soft whisper washed over her.
“You wondered about my hair?” she questioned, mystified that anyone would even think about the insanity that roosted on her head. Then unwanted visions of Elspeth filled her mind and the amazingly straight blonde hair that had flowed down the girl’s back, along with the knowledge Conall would marry her.
Sarah inhaled once, filling her senses with Conall and attempting to store the memory and the way her body practi
cally vibrated with delight at being wrapped within his hold. Then she lifted a hand from the shelter of the plaid and held it to his chest certain she could feel his heart beat through his shirt before she pushed away from him.
If she had to name the expression on his face, she would have called it regret and it matched hers. Turning away from it, she searched the grass for the ball, even though Bella lay content at her feet. Picking it up, she stared at the object that had changed her life. If I had grabbed the ball before it rolled through the door, I wouldn’t be here. Not sure if she should bless or curse it, she launched the ball as far as she could throw it. As always, the dog chased her prized possession.
“Should I nay have touched you? I meant no offense.” Conall spoke to her back while she stared at the forest coming alive in the early dawn. Bird chatter and humming insects filled the air that bristled with a breeze ruffling the budding leaves.
“No offense taken, but you shouldn’t be touching anyone other than Elspeth.” Her words were correct even if she hated saying them. “But I am grateful. I needed the hug.”
“As did I.” His admission came with a step closer to her back. Sarah sensed his nearness even though his feet had made no sound. She felt the light touch to the edges of her hair that fell past her shoulder blades. “My duty is only that. I had wanted more.”
Sarah nodded. “We all always seem to want more. Yet life gives us what it can. It’s our job to make the most of it.” She’d used similar phrasing in the past with clients who were coming to terms with their personal situations never knowing how weak and shallow they really were. My advice sucks.
Shadows faded as she beheld the sun cresting the horizon with color coming to life in the grass at her feet. The day had officially started and already her heart hurt. “What were you going to do this morning?” she asked to change the topic away from the less than subtle hints of overwhelming mutual attraction. Sarah had no interest in coming between a marriage, even an arranged one.
“I was headed to the training fields. I prefer time alone before the men join me.” Conall spoke of his day’s plans. Training, checking in on the stable master, the shepherds, asking about the plans for spring planting, any matters that needed tending within the household; his list of tasks went on and on.
“How exactly are you going to get so much done in one day?” She didn’t understand how one man could see to everything.
“I will manage as did my father before me, though he had my mother to see to the household and all within. My time here is short and I would see to it that all is well on my lands before I leave.” His simple reply didn’t surprise her.
“And that Elspeth stays tucked away rather than learning her duties is a problem, isn’t it?” Knowing the answer wouldn’t change his need to voice his problem. But his seemed easier to handle and preferred over hers.
Oh yeah, avoidance seems like an outstanding plan.
“Aye. She should be learning the duties that are hers by right. Most would consider it a great honor to be handed such a fine household. Lena oversees all, but still requires approval on a great many matters.” His disappointment rang loud and clear in the still early morning.
Sarah exhaled and turned to face him with her professional demeanor in place. Her work-self had dealt with sorrow, loss, conflicts and even abuse. She could handle what she needed to if she focused. “I’m planning on spending some time with her today. I’ll see what I can do about encouraging Elspeth to take her place. Her hiding is only hurting her.”
He cupped her face, and she could feel the same tenderness he had given her yesterday and had seen it in action when he had touched his betrothed at dinner. Silently she’d loathed his hands on another. Hating that she allowed the contact to continue, she listened to his voice echo the same gentle nature. “I would never ask such of you.”
“I know, but I don’t like seeing anyone in pain. I want to help.” Even if I’m helping the woman who will have what I want: you.
Instead of speaking, he nodded, and his hand left her skin with a delicate trailing of his fingers down her cheek. Honest shivers wracked her body and she clung to the plaid rather than reaching out to pull him close.
His eyes stayed on hers for what seemed forever before they eventually fell to the dog panting on the ground. “We have tired the beast.”
“Looks like it.” A weight lifted from her shoulders with the safer topic. “We should head back. You have a full day and I need some time alone.”
I’ve done denial and visited with anger last night. Since there is no one to bargain with, I’ll spend some time with my new friend depression and wonder how long it will be before I accept where and when I am. She found it odd and disturbing that being able to recall the five stages of grief brought her comfort.
Conall took her hand in his and led her back to the horse but frowned when he faced her.
“What?” The question out before her gaze followed his to the apparent mess of tied closures on her chest. Clearly, she had tied the shift to the dress rather than closing each one separately. In the dark, being presentable hadn’t mattered. “Looks like I did it wrong.”
Conall chuckled. “Aye, you made a muddle of it.” Clumsy fingers pulled the strings loose and attempted to straighten the chaos of clothing with no success. Fingertips brushed the skin of her chest and banished the loneliness with shivers trailing down her spine. Then they both stilled at the sound of fabric tearing. Conall immediately stepped back. “Forgive me. I only sought to have you presentable for our return. There would be rumors if you appeared with your gown haphazardly tied.”
Her instinct to laugh had him relaxing only slightly. “Don’t worry about it. I know what you are saying and won’t do anything to make your day more complicated.” In the dawn’s light, she fixed the strings and tucked the signs of the torn shift into the bodice, noting his visual fixation on the neckline that allowed for cleavage.
Heated emerald eyes met hers and she forced herself to step back, nearly stumbling into the horse. But he received the message; there wouldn’t be any reason for gossip.
In silence, he placed her on the horse and took his place behind her. Too many seconds passed with his arm wrapped around her and him nuzzling her hair.
“We should go,” she spoke with her gaze locked on his hand that clenched her waist. “But thank you for taking me here. I needed to see it for myself.”
Feeling his beard against her ear, his sigh lingered against her skin. “I would do aught you ask and wish I could. . .” but then he stopped. “Aye, we should leave.”
A short ride brought them back to the currently open gates and the beginnings of life stirring. Once inside the courtyard, Conall jumped down and then lifted her down with a swift, efficient movement for those who watched.
Turning away from him, she paused as he called her name. “When I say I wanted more I meant that I wanted to choose, to have a woman beside me that called to my blood, to know her thoughts and share mine. ‘Tis unfair of fate to show me all that I will never ken.”
Her hands clenched at her sides and she didn’t have the fortitude to face him. Sarah knew it would be too easy to forget the pain of loss while being consumed by Conall. Her feet stepped one after the other, behind the dog who raced into the open doors of the keep. She spoke loud enough for him to hear. “Maybe unknown is for the best.”
Conall turned away from the keep and faced the light spreading over the sea. He could feel the warmth of the morning sun on his back and inhaled the clean fragrance of the saltwater-filled air. With his feet firmly planted on his ancestral soil, he lifted the massive sword of his father from the scabbard tied to his back.
His eyes beheld the dragon with a head on each end and no tail. The beast never ended, it only began anew. He knew that each man who had held the weapon prior to his birth had the great fortune to also hold the woman he loved. Whether from Scotland or the land of legend, the laird had always had a wife to adore and cherish.
The
blue stone of the beasts’ eyes mocked his future with the same brilliant blue of Sarah’s eyes, the hue almost exactly identical. The beast knew his fate and seemed to laugh at how powerless Conall stood to prevent it. I will marry for duty and nay love. I must nay touch her again lest I fail to recall I am bound to another.
The hand not gripping the weapon recalled the enthralling sensation of her hair in his hands. The rest of him knew her wise beyond telling to walk away from him. Fate taunts me with what I shall never ken. To gift me with a woman who makes my heart beat with life again, only to have her beyond my reach.
Without sheathing the weapon, he strode to his gates. He would train and see all done. He would banish the thoughts of Sarah with those of the Bruce’s commands and the needs of his people.
Someday he would tell his children the tales of doors and of those who traveled to Draig lands. Then he would bid them to find the one who called to their soul, knowing he had just let her walk away.
Chapter 8
Sarah’s goal had been to hide in her room and attempt to forget her overwhelming attraction to Conall while formulating a cohesive plan to adjust to her new world. The universe denied her even that small comfort. Instead, she stood outside the garderobe listening to Elspeth throw up. Ugh. Today is shaping up to be another lousy day.
Sarah had fled from Conall, too disturbed by him and what he had said to her. As if raw sexual attraction means a deeper calling. But considering their brief conversation, she believed him. That he happened to be getting married in days made her question his intent. She knew he should be keeping those thoughts quiet. Don’t flirt with me behind your fiancée’s back.
Coming up the stairs, she’d seen a blur resembling Elspeth tear from her room toward what she thought of as the indoor outhouse. Elspeth’s guard had been on her heels and had nearly tripped over Bella, cursing the dog.
Despite not wanting to be involved with the bride, Sarah had followed the pair to the end of the corridor and waited to see if she could help.
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