But not careful enough.
Thinking of James was enough to give her a headache. The fragility of their situation had hit her that morning, when she’d realised what a spin the appearance of his ex had sent her in to. And of course, it made sense; he had history with this woman, a past, a planned future, a planned wedding for goodness sake. They were things she didn’t have with him. She had a great time, they had amazing sex, there was chemistry, for sure - but no real history. Not like he must have with her…
And now fragility was even more of a concern.
Pregnant.
Even now she couldn’t quite believe it, even with the doctor and test telling her exactly that. She couldn’t be happy, because it was all out of order. Could she do this on her own, if it came to it?
So much to think about.
As if to force her brain to pause at that moment, there was a sudden knock on the door. She debated ignoring it for a second, but thought better of it.
The sight of him made her want to cry.
“Hey,” he said, concern colouring his face. “Gina rang me, said you were ill and not answering her messages.” He walked in before she could invite him to, and she closed the door behind him, not quite knowing what to say.
“I didn’t realise she’d messaged,” she answered truthfully.
“Come, sit back down, you look really pale.” He took her by the hand and led her over to the sofa. “Sorry you’re feeling rubbish.”
Lee curled up into the arm he held out, feeling safe and warm in his embrace even as she knew it might only be temporary. “You didn’t have to rush round.”
“Gina was worried you hadn’t made it home. I was worried…” He pressed his lips to the top of her head, then rooted around in his pocket. “I’d better text her - I promised I would and, well, I wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of her.”
He fired off a quick message - I’m here, she’s okay, thanks for ringing - before putting it back in his pocket. “You should’ve told me you felt ill, I could have picked you up.”
“I knew you were working,” she said, aware of the stiffness of his police uniform beneath her hand. “I didn’t want to be a bother… I just feel really rotten.” She paused. “Maybe I ate something bad.” It was a lie, and she knew it, but she couldn’t tell him the truth just yet. She needed to get her own head round it all first… and see where they stood.
“James,” she said, swallowing a little. “I need to tell you something.”
He looked at her expectantly.
With a deep breath, she spat out the words as though they were the thing making her ill - which she now knew was not the case. “Lottie came in the cafe today. She’s back in Totnes… for now.”
She saw the colour drain from his face; she felt him freeze next to her. And that she could understand; she was sure that, even in the future, the mention of Nathan’s name would be enough to make her blood run cold.
“James?” she prompted after a few moments of silence.
His tongue dampened his bottom lip. “Sorry. Just…wasn’t expecting that. How… how did you know it was her?”
“Val,” she said with a weak smile. “Small town charm, eh - everyone knows everyone’s business.”
He laughed, but there was no real mirth in it.
Lee closed her eyes and took a deep breath - partly to settle her nerves and partly to settle her stomach.
“I know this will have thrown you for six. I get it. You don’t need to hide your emotions from me.”
An echo of words he’d said to her previously - and yet she knew it would hurt her to hear him speak of a former love. Did it hurt him, when she mentioned Nathan?
“Thank you…” he said slowly. “I think… I think I just need to process. Is that okay?”
Lee nodded. It had to be.
“Do you need anything right now?” he asked, and her heart melted at his sweetness even in his own moment of turmoil.
“Just sleep,” she said, releasing him for now. “You go. Honestly. We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?”
He pressed a long, hard kiss to her forehead - and then he was gone.
Lee curled up in a ball under the blanket and cried tears that wouldn’t solve anything at all.
Chapter 6
Lee must’ve fallen asleep, for when she opened her eyes it was dark outside and Gina was quietly cooking in the kitchen. Her eye lids felt heavy, as though they were stuck together, and it took her a moment or two to process where she was.
“Hey,” Gina said softly, and Lee heard the click of the kettle being switched on. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. How are you feeling?”
Her mouth was too dry to answer immediately, and she didn’t really know what the answer would be anyway. Slowly she sat up, feeling the room spin a little and grabbing a sip from the bottle of water that was on the coffee table.
“Not great,” she answered truthfully. The room was quiet for a few minutes, until Gina wandered over with two mugs of tea and sat on the sofa opposite her.
“Sorry for sending James round - I was worried.”
At the mention of his name, tears fell from Lee’s eyes yet again and Gina rushed over to sit beside her on the sofa.
“Shit, what have I said? Lee, what’s going on?”
“Oh Gina…” she said, feeling like she needed someone to help her make sense of everything that was going on in her life. “Everything just keeps being turned upside down. Just when I thought I had some sort of plan…”
“Lee, I don’t get it. Did James do something? He seemed really worried when I rang him, if he’s hurt you, I’ll-”
“No, no, it’s not his fault,” Lee said, sniffing a little and taking a large gulp of tea. She proceeded to tell Gina about Lottie’s appearance this morning, and her conversation with Val after.
“He hasn’t… he hasn’t left you to be with her has he?” Gina asked cautiously.
“No… I don’t think so. I told him to go and sort out whatever he needed to - because I know what it’s like to have someone from the past that you’ve had a whole lifetime with just turn up out of the blue and make everything more complicated. I’m not going to be that person who says he needs to just ignore her and focus on me.”
“You’re more mature about it than I would be…”
“It’s killing me inside,” Lee admitted, feeling that Gina wouldn’t judge her. “But I’m trying. But… things have got even more complicated.”
Gina didn’t speak, and so Lee continued.
“I threw up before I made it home today. The owners of that sweet shop, you know, the one halfway up the hill? They made me go to the doctors. And… I’m pregnant.”
“Well,” Gina said, obviously at a loss for words. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Nor do I,” Lee admitted. “Nor do I.”
***
A glass of wine (for Gina) and a second cup of tea later, and Lee felt no closer to knowing what on earth to do with this news - but the tears had at least stopped.
“You’ve always wanted kids, right?” Gina asked, and Lee almost found it strange to think that she had a whole life and past that Gina had never known, had never been a part of. She was such an integral part of Lee’s daily life now - but she had never known Nathan or her life with him back in Bristol.
“Yes. The time was never right… but yes, I always wanted to have kids. But that was when I had a plan, a house, a husband, a career…” She didn’t want to insult Gina or what they had here, but things were different now. Things weren’t as ordered, or as planned as she would have wanted when making this huge decision.
“And things with James are so new, and we said we were going to take things slowly - and this is the exact opposite of slow. And now with Lottie… I need to wait to see if he even wants to continue with this.”
“Surely, once he knows you’re pregnant, if you decide to go through with it-”
“I’m not going to tell him,” Lee said, putting her mug down
on the coffee table with more force than she intended. “Not until he has got his head together about Lottie. If I tell him, I’m fairly sure he will want to do the right thing - that’s the kind of man I think he is. And I want him to decide about us based on us - not because I trap him with an unwanted pregnancy.”
Privately, Gina didn’t really agree with her plan - but now didn’t seem like the right time to push that fact.
“So with James, you just have to wait, right?”
“Mmmhmm.”
“But with this pregnancy - you can decide about that, can’t you.” It wasn’t a question.
Lee considered that for a moment. A decision needed to be made, and it could be made - Gina was right. This decision needed to be made without knowing whether or not James was going to be a part of her life. She knew she was looking at a worst-case scenario, but she had to be realistic; she and James had only been seeing each other since December. The idea of a kid might freak him out. The reappearance of his ex might derail their relationship. He might simply decide that Lee wasn’t the one for him… there were so many what ifs, and she knew that she needed to make this decision for herself. Because it may well be her alone dealing with whatever decision she made.
“Do you know what you want to do?”
“No… I don’t know…” Lee took a deep breath. “I never thought I’d be in this position. I’m a planner - I always have been. And we’ve been careful…” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “But yes, I do know. There’s no way I could do anything else, I don’t think, than continue with the pregnancy. Even if that does mean going it alone…”
Gina reached across and took hold of Lee’s hand. “You won’t be on your own, Lee. I promise you that.”
Lee felt tears building in her eyes once more as she felt the safety of her friend’s love.
***
Even though she knew sleep would evade her, Lee felt drained by the day’s events and took herself off to bed after a long soak in a warm bath. Gina had told her to take a few days off, and while she knew the sickness would probably only get worse for a while, she was grateful to have a few days to regain her energy and make plans. She knew, to start with, that she needed some more permanence in her life - and that meant finally collecting her belongings from Bristol.
She pulled out her phone and sent a short, business-like message to Nathan’s number, knowing that it was a necessary evil to move on to the next stage of her life.
I need to collect my things from the house. Will be there on Saturday at 12 - please be out.
The reply came moments later.
Okay.
Short and to the point. At the same time, another message popped up on the screen, one that filled her with a bubble of hope.
Hope you’re feeling better - see you soon. J xxx
Lee awoke the next day - well, awoke was a bit of an exaggeration, as there hadn’t been much sleeping going on - determined to make a plan. Still in her pyjamas, with a cup of tea in one hand and a notebook in the other, she sat at the kitchen table in the empty flat and began to do what she did best: organise.
Make doctors’ appointment. She had decided she was continuing with this pregnancy - now she needed to get on top of what that actually meant.
Collect belongings from Bristol. That was going to need something a bit bigger than her little car, she thought - even though she didn’t really plan on bringing much in the way of furniture back with her. He was welcome to it; it held far too many bad memories anyway.
Talk to James. That was possibly the hardest of all - and something she knew needed timing right. He needed to have sorted out whatever was going on in his own head before she could burden him with all the things going on in hers.
Hire a new employee. The cafe was, she was pleased to note, going from strength to strength. Despite the post-Christmas nature of the month, they were doing well and actually making a profit. She and Gina needed to be able to have some time off - and, with a baby on the way, Lee needed someone she could rely on to support Gina. A new member of staff was definitely on the cards.
Speak to mum and Beth. Definitely one that was pushed further down the list… she didn’t plan on telling anyone (besides Gina and, eventually, James) about this pregnancy until she was past the twelve week mark - she’d done enough googling to know that was the sensible way to go about things. But that mark wasn’t too far off, if the doctor had been right in her estimations, and she needed to prepare herself for the response the news would get. Not from Beth, really - but from her mother.
Without really realising she was doing it, she ran a hand backwards and forwards over her stomach. The sick feeling was definitely still there, but she was pleased to note that she hadn’t actually thrown up yet that morning - although she also hadn’t attempted any food yet. There was still time for that, though; she knew she needed to take care of herself. No drink, cut back on the caffeine, read up on all the foods she wasn’t meant to eat… Even though it was terrifying, there was a bubble of excitement slowly building alongside that fear.
After a leisurely shower and a piece of dry toast that, thankfully, she’d managed to keep down, Lee took out her phone and tried to compose a message to James. As much as she didn’t want to put any pressure on him if he was sorting his head out - or indeed having deep and meaningful conversations with Lottie (something that definitely made Lee want to throw up that toast), she also didn’t want him to think she’d totally lost interest.
Heya - feeling a bit better today, thanks. Hope everything is okay with you - let me know when you want to meet. I’m off to Bristol on Saturday to pick up some things, but free other than that. Lee x She read back through it before sending, and hoped it wasn’t putting any pressure on him to see her before he was ready, before hitting send.
A reply came back almost immediately. So glad you’re feeling a bit better. Want some company to Bristol? J xxx
As tempting as it was, Lee felt this was something she needed to do without James. She wasn’t sure she could cope with the mix of her old life and whatever her new life here might contain. And just imagine if Nathan ignored her wish to stay away…
I love that you offered, but think I need to do this on my own if that’s okay? Xxx
Totally understand. How about I take you out Saturday night then? J xxx
Lee’s heart soared and she smiled to herself.
Sounds perfect. Just let me know when. Xxx
She would see what he had to say about everything…and then maybe she could share everything that was going on for her.
***
Lee didn’t feel any joy as she drove up the A38 and the M5 towards Bristol. She didn’t need a sat nav; there was only one direction to travel in, until she reached Bristol itself. If felt odd to be heading away from Devon, and as she passed Exeter she was filled with memories of that night when she’d fled from Bristol with no real idea where she was going, or for how long - just that she needed to get away from the disaster that her life had turned into. She’d spent a night with her sister, Beth, on her way to Devon - and she wondered if she might have time today to stop off and have a catch up, before being back in Totnes for her seven o’clock date with James.
She very much hoped the queasiness would stay at that and not develop into full blown sickness today - else everything might take a lot longer.
Instead of her usual little car, she’d hired an estate (she had no idea what it was called, only that the boot was double the size of hers) and the journey was already a little slower due to her lack of confidence in the new vehicle. A longer journey was not what she needed - all the more time to mull over the reason she’d left Bristol in the first place.
Collecting the belongings that she still wanted from Bristol felt as though she truly was closing a door on her life there. She’d known when she’d made the decision to stay in Devon that things were changing, but visiting the house again for one last time was not going to be easy. It wasn’t just morning sick
ness that fluttered in her belly as she approached the driveway; nerves were certainly playing a part in her nausea, she was sure.
There was no car on the drive, which Lee took as good sign. She presumed that, since she’d driven off with the only car they owned, he had bought a new one - and its absence hopefully meant he had complied with her request for him to be out. She knew she should be glad that he was on a decent salary - otherwise this separation and divorce would have been a lot more complicated.
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