No way. Uh-uh. Not good enough.
There was a child out there potentially belonging to him, and Tracey would not pretend otherwise. But she wasn’t going to push him about it. At least not that night. She finished her coffee and pondered her options.
Because of security, HIPAA law, doctor-patient confidentiality and who knew what else, getting information about Lisette and her baby would be next to impossible for Tracey. The next reliable source of info? She hated to go there, but it was true. The gossip grapevine among the nurses at Germantown Family. The same grapevine Tracey had tugged on to get information about Brian’s affair in the first place. She’d have to summon up the courage to talk to Ruthie about it. Brian might find out she asked her, but that was a risk she had to take.
From Janette’s mouth, to Ruthie’s ears, to Tracey. In less than a two-minute phone conversation with Ruthie on Monday afternoon, Tracey found out all she wanted to know. Then she quietly asked Ruthie to not mention their phone call. Ruthie murmured her understanding, then hung up.
Baby Elijah Santana weighed in at less than two pounds at birth. The doctors had worked on him extensively to help him breathe. An hour after his birth, he was transported to Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. He remained there in the neonatal intensive care unit under the care of their doctors.
The hospital discharged Lisette a week after the baby’s birth. She needed to stay after her emergency C-section and complications due to her illness. Ruthie didn’t say, but Tracey assumed she was fine since the hospital released her.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go, Tracey chanted to herself. Now she knew the full story. In no way could they demand paternity testing now. To even think about it seemed cruel.
Let it go and pray.
Which she would certainly do. But one thing continued to trouble her.
Back in the beige cocoon of Dr. Zhang’s office, Tracey dropped down on the comfy sofa next to Brian. It was their regular Wednesday evening meeting and she had more on her mind than handing in the homework.
“Let’s pray, shall we?” Dr. Zhang bowed his head. “Father in heaven, we come before You right now. We lift You up. You’ve given us life. You’ve cared for us. You’ve blessed us. Father, Brian, Tracey and I are here, and we ask your Holy Spirit to help in healing broken hearts and broken lives. Holy Spirit, lead us during this time. In this moment and always, we rely totally on you. Thank you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”
“Doctor, can we start with something else tonight instead of what we read in the book?” Tracey asked, not looking at Brian.
He laced his hands in his lap. “We can talk about whatever you want.” Talk came out sounding like “tawlk.”
“Thank you,” Tracey said, clearing her throat. “I’m not happy with how my husband is treating the baby situation.”
Dr. Zhang interrupted Tracey, saying, “I’m going to say this before you finish your comments: Don’t talk to me. Look Dr. Jones in the eye. Use “I” language, and calmly tell him how you feel.”
She shifted in her seat, directing her eyes to meet Brian’s. He sat slightly slumped on the other end of the sofa, looking uncomfortable.
“I hate how you’re behaving concerning the birth of Lisette’s baby. She’s not my favorite person in the world, but if this could be your child, I think you should do more than just sit and wait around while the baby’s in intensive care.” She looked back to Dr. Zhang. He gave a slight nod.
“Dr. Jones, you can respond to Mrs. Jones comment, but you don’t have to. If you need more time, you can ask for it.”
Brian sat up straight. “No, I’ll respond.”
Dr. Zhang nodded again. “Take your time. And remember, “I” language.”
“Got it.” Brian turned to Tracey, and their eyes met. “I don’t understand why you want me to intervene into the life of someone you also want me to avoid. Our marriage will be better off if we don’t discuss either of them until the DNA test is done.”
He had a point. They got along great as long as they ignored the past. Still. It made her skin crawl to know a woman and her baby needed support—they were in the midst of a medical crisis—and her was husband deliberately giving them the cold shoulder.
“Brian, Elijah is in intensive care!”
“I understand, and CHOP is number one in the nation for handling premature infant issues. What can I do when he’s already receiving care?” His eyes narrowed and he moved to the edge of his seat. “Wait a minute, how’d you know his name was Elijah?”
She glared at him. “I asked!”
Now they both glanced over to Dr. Zhang. He opened his hands. “Go on. Remember, if you can keep your voices down, you’re talking with opposing views, not fighting.”
“I didn’t say you should be Elijah’s doctor,” Tracey sighed.
“Then don’t be upset with me,” he said firmly, crossing his arms and leaning back.
She shook her head. “You can’t just leave her!”
“Leave her? What—”
“Alone with a baby in the hospital!”
“Tracey, I am ninety-nine percent sure I am not Elijah’s father.”
“You know what, you probably aren’t, but that’s not the point.”
“Then what …” he stopped speaking, took a deep breath, and continued—speaking in a lower tone. “Help me understand what you think I should do.”
Tracey stood up out of frustration. “Brian, you will not just drop her as if you had nothing to do with her. You cannot turn your back on the baby and his mother as if they’re trash!”
Dr. Zhang put his hands up. “The talking is good, but please keep your seat, Mrs. Jones. Let’s stay calm. This is not anger management class.”
She eased back down on the sofa.
Brian turned to Dr. Zhang. “Wait! I just figured this out. This isn’t even about me!” He shifted towards Tracey again. “This is about you and Kyle. You don’t want me to treat Lisette like Kyle treated you!”
She crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t want any woman to be treated that way.”
Brian shook his head. “It’s not the same.”
“How is it not the same?”
“Because you and Kyle were at the end of a three-year relationship when he left you. You were in love with him. Lisette and I weren’t in love. If she cares for me at all, it’s only because we were friends.”
Dr. Zhang leaned in, his voice gentle but firm. “Brian and Tracey, I’m going to redirect you now. Brian, you know how Tracey feels. Tracey, Brian knows how you feel. You can’t change the past. Now you must agree on where to go from here together.”
They sat in silence for a moment, backs straight, breathing deep.
Tracey sighed. “We’re Christians. It’s high time we act like it.”
Brian rubbed his chin. “So let me get this straight. You need me to be kind to the woman I committed adultery with less than a year ago?”
“Do you plan on doing it again?” Tracey raised an eyebrow.
“No way.”
“Then this is a new day and we need to be there for her if she’ll allow it.”
39
Pray.
Have faith.
Stay the course.
The last rule Tracey would hold tight to as she and Brian moved into their future.
It could have been a regular Tuesday morning with the kids in school and Tracey taking care of the day’s tasks and preparing to check in on her father. Instead, she rested in the passenger seat of the Lexus, staring out the window at the passing city scenery as Brian drove. She reviewed the first two rules repeatedly during the fifteen-minute drive from their Chestnut Hill home to the underground parking lot for Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.
“I have a strange feeling about this,” Brian said as he guided the car around tight parking lanes, looking for a
spot close to the elevators. “I don’t even know if Lisette will be here this morning.”
Tracey turned around and pulled her red trench coat from the back seat. “She’s a mother with a newborn baby in intensive care. Trust me, she’ll be here.”
On the ride up to the NICU, they remained a few feet apart in the elevator. Awkward. When the ding sounded signaling the floor, Tracey followed as Brian walked out in front of her. Though she may have been the one who pushed the issue of following up on Lisette and baby Elijah, she couldn’t force him to do it. In the end, he’d been the one who rearranged his schedule and told Tracey he wanted her with him.
Tracey wouldn’t have had it any other way.
He leaned over to her once they were outside of the NICU. “You’ll have to wait here.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
He handed her his keys and trench coat. “If big-mouthed Janette was correct, Lisette is either in the unit or somewhere in the hospital.”
“You asked her?”
“I didn’t have to ask; I overheard her talking about it,” Brian said. He took a deep breath. “I’ll go in and ask for Lisette Santana. I can’t walk into the unit directly because this area is strictly for the patients, their families, and the doctors and nurses caring for the babies.”
Tracey backed away. “You made a good decision,” she said, affirming Brian.
“I hope so.”
Tracey watched as he disappeared through the double-doors. What could she do except hold their coats, find a bench and wait? If Lisette wasn’t there with her baby, Brian would come back and they’d leave.
Tracey seated herself on a bench in the hallway. For a hospital, the place was vibrant and cheery. Sunshine streamed through the glass-topped atrium. Colorful artwork and murals adorned the walls. She silently thanked God for blessing her children with excellent health. Tyler and Brianna were both born full-term, strong, healthy, and bright. Not once did she have to bring either of them to CHOP for a test, surgery, recovery, or diagnosis.
She closed her eyes. Lord, please keep baby Elijah close to you, bless his growth and health, and provide all he needs at this time.
She opened her eyes in time to see Brian and Lisette heading toward her, talking furiously. Tracey’s arms dropped and their coats slid to the floor as she scrambled to her feet.
“We didn’t come up here to alarm you,” Brian said to Lisette as they stopped next to Tracey.
Lisette pushed a lock of wavy hair away from her face. “Why are you two here? I don’t get it. All I want is to be with my son. He’s all I care about now.”
Boldness rose up in Tracey. “We heard about your illness and the baby coming early. We came to offer our support.”
Lisette squinted at Tracey. “But why here? Why now?” She turned her gaze back to Brian. “I called you and asked you to check on me when I was sick. You told me to call 911. You brushed me off! Are you up here trying to make yourself feel better?”
Brian said, “We didn’t ignore you. All I said was I had to bring my wife with me if I drove over to check on you. It was you who hung up on us!”
Lisette stopped talking. Her eyes moved slowly from Brian’s face, to Tracey’s, then back to Brian’s. She must have been taking a moment to digest the truth in those words.
Tracey spoke, keeping her voice low. “If you want to be angry at us for us being here, you need to be mad at me. I’m the one who pushed him to check on you and the baby.”
Lisette crossed her arms. “Again, why? We aren’t friends. We aren’t anything to each other.”
Tracey stepped closer. “Are there any other people in your life right now, giving you unconditional moral support and praying for your health and for your son’s survival? Anyone at all?”
Lisette looked at the floor. No answer.
Tracey raised her voice a notch. “Sixteen years ago when I gave birth to my son Tyler, his daddy didn’t show up. Do you know who showed up to see the baby the next day besides my friends and family? Tyler’s grandparents! My ex-boyfriend’s mother and father. They hardly knew me, but they were there for me and Ty when I needed people to be there for me.”
Lisette’s eyes floated everywhere, never resting on Tracey’s face.
Tracey kept talking. “My husband likes to help people. He tried to mentor you this winter. He thought he could assist you when you applied to UMDNJ. What happened afterward is difficult for me, but you know in your heart he doesn’t mean you any harm. None. Despite everything, this month we’ve been on our knees praying for you! For you and your baby!”
Tracey had no clue where her speech had come from. No idea she would even have the opportunity to say those words.
Lisette turned her gaze away. Brian moved and stood behind Tracey, his hands warm on her shoulders. They all remained still for a minute. Tracey shifted her weight from foot to foot. There she was, face to face with Lisette. The Lord was guiding her, showing her how to love in the middle of a hard situation.
“How are you feeling now? How is the baby doing?” Tracey asked.
Lisette answered without looking at them. “My blood pressure is back to normal, and my pain disappeared when Elijah was born. I’ll have follow-up tests for liver functioning, so …” She shrugged. “Elijah’s pretty small, but he’s a fighter. His lungs are fine. The doctors told me about some concerns they have about his prematurity,” she said before finally glancing up. “Thanks for asking.”
“You’re welcome,” Tracey said. Her eyes met Lisette’s gaze.
“Would you like us to leave?” Brian asked, his hands sliding down Tracey’s arms.
Yellow sunshine beamed through the atrium making the brightly-colored hallway more dazzling. Lisette ran a hand through her thick brown hair. She motioned her head toward the NICU.
“No. I’m going back in though,” Lisette said with a raspy tone. “I was about to sit and hold him when the staff told me you were here. Brian, if you want, you can come and see Elijah. You’ll have to put on a gown and scrub in.”
Brian gripped Tracey’s hand gently, then released it. She turned and held his glance until he broke away. His eyes held a look of love mixed with sadness. She watched him once again disappear beyond the double doors, this time with the woman with whom he’d been intimate.
Tracey eased back down on the bench.
More prayer time.
40
Tracey and Brian set up a guideline. Brian would not visit the hospital on his own. Together, they made the trip to CHOP three more times before baby Elijah went home in early November.
Baby Elijah was tiny, but by the time October rolled around he’d gained weight steadily and was up to five pounds before Thanksgiving. Since birth he’d suffered a brain bleed and two blood infections. The doctors also mentioned hypotonia, something Brian explained as low muscle tone. The baby felt relaxed and floppy when he was held. As Brian predicted, Elijah had a challenging journey ahead.
“Will all his issues clear up?” Tracey asked Brian one Sunday afternoon after church.
“We need to keep praying. Brain bleeds can sometimes mean brain damage. High or low muscle tone issues can be an early indicator of cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, and a number of other disorders.”
“And Lisette?”
“She’s aware of all that. He’s still her son. Elijah is at CHOP and he’ll receive the best care in the nation for a premature baby.”
Never in her life had Tracey been so grateful to see the return of the routine. Each morning, when she woke with Brian, Tyler, and Brianna upstairs with her, she didn’t put a foot on the floor before thanking the Lord for the blessing of her family’s presence.
Brianna started first grade and discovered a whole new group of friends at school. She begged to visit a different person several afternoons each week, and spent less and less time by Tracey’s side. Now t
he girl wanted to be a Brownie, and she’d abandoned her Barbie dolls in favor of anything pink and white with a Hello Kitty face emblazoned on it.
Tyler’s booming voice and rapidly broadening shoulders reminded Tracey a young gentleman lived in the house now. He kept his word to his father, and once a month he visited New York. Tracey didn’t have the heart to tell Kyle that Ty had additional incentive to visit because Eva—the Zendaya look-a-like—had moved to Long Island permanently. As long as Tyler kept up his grades and respected his parents and their home, Tracey and Brian gave him the grace to come and go. No word on the BMW from Kyle. Tyler rode the regional rail and the Amtrak Keystone into New York.
Tracey and Brian continued their visits with Dr. Zhang every week. During each session, they worked through their emotions about the affair and the aftermath. Nothing was easy, but the more they submitted to the teaching and completed the homework assignments, they continued to build a better relationship.
They also kept up the new way of dating one another they’d started in the late summer. Each week they took turns choosing a date for the week. Dinner. Concerts. Theatre. Art shows. Movies. The good times brought them closer.
On the last Saturday night in October, they returned from a late movie date. After Tracey thanked Chablis for babysitting, paid her and said goodnight, she set the house alarm, and climbed the stairs to the second floor. Brian sat at the top of the landing waiting for her. He had to be cold, sitting there without a shirt. His taut muscular frame proved the extent of his daily workouts. The rock solid muscles in his legs were hidden by his silk pajama pants.
“What’s up?” Tracey climbed the stairs to reach him and rested her forearms on his legs, her elbows touching his knees. “Is everything okay and why are you out here half-naked?”
Broken Together Page 27