by Marie Force
I get up and go to him, placing my hands on his shoulders and touching my lips to the indent between his shoulder blades. “What’s hard for you to do?”
“This! Us. All of it. I don’t know how to do this, Addie. I’ve never done it. I’ve never seen it done. I’ll fuck it up so bad, and then you’ll hate me for real, and I couldn’t bear that. I just couldn’t. If I lost you…”
I slide my arms around his waist. “You won’t lose me, Hayden. I promise that no matter how badly you fuck it up, no matter how ugly it might get, you’ll never lose me.”
“You can’t make that promise. You don’t even know what you’re saying.”
“Tell me what I don’t know. What big, dark secret are you keeping from me that’ll prevent us from making a go of this?”
“There’s no secret. You’re asking me to be someone for you that I have no idea how to be.”
“All I’m asking you to be is you. We’ll figure out the details together, one step at a time.”
“What if…”
“Say it. Whatever it is, put it out there.” I feel like I’m fighting for my life by fighting for him.
He turns to face me, and the torment I see in his eyes sears me. “What if this isn’t what I want?”
I force myself to remain calm, to not show him how much his question hurts me. “Only you can know that.”
His hands land on my hips, keeping me with him when I would’ve turned away to get myself together. “I want you. I don’t know if I want all the bells and whistles you’re looking for, but God help me, I do want you.”
“I want a chance to make it work. That’s all I’m asking for, Hayden. A chance.”
He stares down at me, and I hold my breath waiting to hear what he’ll say. “Why me? Why in the world have you set your sights on me?”
“Why not you? Why do you believe that no one in their right mind would ever care about you or love you?”
“Because no one ever has.”
“Your mother does.”
He shrugs. “She has to. I’m all she has.”
I stare at him, incredulous. “That’s not why she loves you. She loves you because you never stopped believing in her, even when she gave you every good reason to turn your back on her. Flynn loves you. Jasper, Kristian and Marlowe love you. What about Sebastian? You saved his life, Hayden. Where would he be without you?”
All this talk of love makes him squirm. “You’ve built me up to be way more than I actually am.”
“No, I haven’t. I see you exactly for who and what you are, and I love you.” When he would turn away from me, I stop him. “I love you, Hayden, and not because I have to, but because I don’t know how not to. I’ve loved you, I think, since the first time I ever laid eyes on you, lording over one of your first sets, bossing everyone around. You blew me away with your passion and your intensity and your sexy blue eyes.” I’m telling him far more than I ever intended to, but I sense he needs to hear it. “I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want you, and now that I’ve had you, I want you even more than I did before.”
He stares at me, seeming stunned by my confession. “That long?” he asks, his voice hoarse.
“That long. So you see, you have to give me a chance or else—” I never get to tell him the “or else” because he’s kissing me. His hands cradle my face as he devastates me with every stroke of his tongue. I cling to him, hoping this is his way of telling me I’m going to get that chance I want so badly.
His hands drop to my shoulders, and then his arms are around me. He breaks the kiss, his lips skimming over my face and neck. Only the tight hold he has on me keeps me standing when I’d otherwise slide into a puddle on the floor. His tender sweetness disarms me. I wonder if he’s ever shown another woman this side of himself. Probably not. Look what it’s taken to get him to be vulnerable with me.
“I want to give us the chance,” he says haltingly.
The surge of joy that overtakes me has my heart on the verge of bursting.
“But…”
With that one word, the joy is gone, replaced by anxiety. What now?
“I won’t bring you into my BDSM lifestyle. That’s off-limits.”
He giveth, and he taketh away.
I let my arms fall from around his neck and take a step back. When he tries to come with me, I flatten my hands against his chest to stop him. “No deal.”
“Will you listen to me?”
“No, I won’t. I want all of you or none of you.” As I say the words, a stab of panic hits my abdomen, leaving me reeling but firm in my resolve. “Your choice.”
“Addie, please. Listen.”
“You heard me. I don’t see what else there is to say unless you’re willing to give me everything.”
“You’re seriously going to tell me you’ve loved me for ten years and then walk away if I can’t give you everything?”
I force myself to meet that intense blue gaze that shreds me. “Yes.”
Shaking his head, a furious expression on his face, he stalks across the room to grab his T-shirt off the floor and puts it on—inside out. But he doesn’t notice as he leaves the room.
I stand perfectly still until I hear the door slam behind him. My legs begin to tremble, and I stumble my way to the bed, where I sit and focus on breathing. One breath at a time, one second at a time. That’s how I’ll bear the pain that makes every part of me ache for what I just let walk away. Isn’t some of him better than none?
“No,” I say, moaning. “No, it’s not enough.” I don’t know what to do with all the emotions running around inside me. I’m confused and despondent and furious. And sad. I’m incredibly sad for what could’ve been. My cell phone rings in the tone I’ve assigned to Flynn.
Another rule to being the successful assistant to the biggest movie star in the world is never ignoring a call from him, even when your heart has been shattered.
“Hey,” I say. “What’s up?”
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“Nothing, why?”
“You sound weird.”
“I’m fine. I was working out.”
“Are you lying to me?”
“What do you need, Flynn?”
After a long pause, he says, “I’m coming over. Don’t go anywhere.”
Before I can object, the phone goes dead. “Great.” I put on a robe and head for the bathroom to do what I can to repair the damage before he gets here. I usually love the way he looks out for me, but tonight I want to be alone. I don’t want to talk about it. What’s there to say?
I love Hayden. He loves me. But we can’t be together for some reason that only he seems to understand.
My face is swollen, my eyes are red, and I generally look like death warmed over. I suppose I should consider myself fortunate that it took twenty-seven years to have my heart broken. Sure, I’ve had boyfriends, a few I even liked a lot, but I’ve loved only one man. In the back of my mind, always, was the image of how my life would transpire.
Hayden and I would sow our so-called wild oats with other people, and then it would be our time. After a gorgeous, joyful wedding, we’d buy a fantastic house on the coast where we’d entertain lavishly and raise a family of blue-eyed babies. I’d hold down the fort at home with the kids while he was on location, and in the summer, when our kids were on vacation, we’d go with Hayden to exotic places where he’d create magic on film and our family would share in a grand adventure. There’d be delicious Thanksgiving turkeys and ten-foot Christmas trees and Easter egg hunts on our huge lawn. There would be friends and family and love and laughter and happily ever after.
I wipe away the new flood of tears that course down my cheeks as it becomes clear that none of that is going to happen. Not with him, anyway. The sad thing is, I can’t imagine any other man but him playing the starring role in my fantasy life. I’m still in the bathroom and still weeping when I hear a pounding knock on my door.
I’m in no way prepared to see anyone right now,
but I know Flynn won’t leave until he’s laid eyes on me. I tie my robe tighter around my waist and wipe my face—as if that will matter. I open the door to find Flynn, Natalie and Marlowe. Fantastic.
He gasps at the sight of me. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“No, you’re not.” Leaving the door open for them, I turn away and head for the bar I keep in the corner of my living room. “Who needs a drink?” I pour glasses of prosecco for myself, Natalie and Marlowe.
“Yeah,” Flynn says. “I’ll have one.”
I pour two fingers of Bowmore, his favorite single-malt Scotch, into a highball glass and hand it to him. He’s pacing the length of my living room, clearly livid with Hayden. Part of me wants to set Flynn on Hayden and encourage him to beat some sense into his best friend, but what good would it do?
Marlowe hugs me. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. How was your trip?”
“Screw that. I don’t want to talk about London. I want to talk about why you’ve been crying and what we’re going to do about it.”
“There’s nothing we can do.”
“What happened?” Natalie asks, her expression empathetic and kind.
I sit on a floral chaise and curl my feet under me. “He offered me eighty percent, and I said that wasn’t good enough.”
“What do you mean?” Flynn asks, his sharp gaze intently focused on me.
“It’s sort of personal…”
“Come on, Addie,” he says. “This is you and Hayden we’re talking about here. We want to help.”
Again I tell myself it doesn’t matter if they know the truth, because there is no me and Hayden as anything other than “friends.” I clear my throat and vow to get through this without tears, which also aren’t helping anything. “He wants to be with me, but not in the way he is with other women.”
Flynn stops moving, his entire body going still.
Marlowe’s lips form a surprised O. “How do you know about that?”
“How do you know?”
The three of them exchange glances.
“You, too?” I ask, seeing my old friend in a whole new light.
“All of us, honey,” Marlowe says softly.
“All… I, um, oh. Wow. I had no idea.” And how is that possible that my closest friends and colleagues are involved in something I knew nothing about? Now in addition to being heartbroken, I feel stupid, too.
“Don’t go there, Addison.” It doesn’t surprise me that Marlowe read my mind. She’s been doing that for years now. “You didn’t know because you didn’t need to, not because people set out to intentionally keep something from you.”
“What she said.” Flynn uses his thumb to point at Marlowe. “It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about respecting privacy.”
“I respect your privacy. I respect everyone’s privacy. If he thinks I’d ever tell anyone…”
“That’s not why.”
We all look to Flynn.
“You better explain what you mean,” Natalie says to her husband, and I want to kiss her for articulating my thoughts.
“He’s a very demanding Dom, Addie.” To Natalie and Marlowe, he says, “You guys know what I mean. He’s probably afraid to scare you off by showing you the true extent of who he really is.”
“I already told him he won’t scare me off.”
“How can you say that when you don’t know what you’re signing on for?” Flynn asks.
“I do know. I’ve done some research. I’ve seen what goes on.”
“When? Where? You just found out about this.”
“I went with a friend to Black Vice and had a tour.”
Flynn’s face registers shock and disbelief.
“Don’t act like it’s so unbelievable that I would do that! I love him! I want to understand him! He’s refused to train me, so I’ve found someone else who will.”
Flynn drops his glass onto a table with a loud thunk. “No fucking way, Addison. This is not something you just go out and do.”
“Give me a little credit, will you?” It’s not often that I find myself truly furious with him, but this is one of those times. “I’m not an idiot, Flynn. I know exactly what I’m doing, and I’ll be doing it in a safe, sane, consensual environment.”
His jaw pulses with tension, and I can tell he’s on the verge of losing it. So can Natalie, because she gets up and goes to him.
She puts an arm around him. “Settle down.”
“I will not settle down when she hasn’t the first clue about what she’s getting into!”
“Yes, she does,” Marlowe says. “We’re talking about Addie. She’s nothing if not thorough, and that’s why you brag about her being the best assistant in Hollywood. I have no doubt that whatever she’s doing, she’s researched it thoroughly and feels comfortable.”
I smile at her. “Exactly that.”
“I don’t like it,” Flynn says.
“You don’t have to,” Natalie says. “It’s her life and her choice, and frankly, I don’t blame her for doing her own research. That’s what I would do in her shoes.”
Flynn’s low growl lets his wife know what he thinks of that statement.
“Tell me more about what you’ve got planned,” Marlowe says.
“I have a date tomorrow night—or I guess it’s tonight now—with one of Devon’s staff members, who will oversee my training.”
When Flynn starts to object, Natalie puts her hand over his mouth. His eyes flash with rage. I fear she’ll be in for it when they get home, but judging by the dewy glow of happiness she constantly wears, she seems to enjoy his brand of punishment.
“And you feel confident that he’s someone you can trust and who’ll take good care of you?” Marlowe asks.
“I trust my friend, who trusts Devon Black, who trusts Andre, so yes. I feel confident.” I don’t, really, but I keep that to myself. The only man I want to surrender to won’t have me.
“I agree that you’re going to keep that date and find out more about what you’d be taking on with Hayden,” Marlowe says with a calculating look in her eyes.
“What’re you up to, Mo?” Flynn asks.
“What if you were to casually mention to Hayden that Addie has a date with a Dom at Black’s place?”
“He’d fucking lose his mind!”
“Exactly,” Marlowe says, smiling.
“So wait…” Flynn begins to pace again. “Are you suggesting we set him up?”
“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. He needs a nudge, and if this doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.”
Listening to Marlowe’s plan, I feel a flutter of hope in the area of my breastbone. It’s a delicate, fragile feeling that I want to hold tight to, even though I’m scared, too. Marlowe’s idea goes much further than Devon’s would have.
“Addie?” Marlowe asks. “What do you think?”
“Do I really want him if I have to trick him into wanting me?”
“That’s not what you’re doing,” Natalie says. “Wanting you isn’t the problem. If he actually sees you embracing his lifestyle, that might make a difference to him.”
“I don’t like the idea of her embracing the lifestyle outside of our clubs,” Flynn says.
Once again, I’m stunned. “Wait a minute. There’re clubs? Where?”
“Um, in the basements of the Quantum buildings here and in New York,” Flynn says, seeming reluctant to share.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” This is truly shocking to me. “Right under my nose? When can I go there?”
Marlowe waves her hand. “Let’s worry about that another day. Are you in on this plan or what?”
“You’re sure it’s a good idea?” The only person I trust more than Marlowe is my dad, with Flynn also at the top of the list. They’ve been the three most important people in my life for a lot of years.
“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have suggested it,” Marlowe says. “You’re just what he needs, Addie, and he’s so afraid of screwing
it up that he refuses to even try. We need to take that option off the table and give him no choice but to let you all the way into his life, which is where he wants you anyway. Don’t you agree, Flynn?”
Other than when Natalie’s painful past was being made public, I’ve never seen him so tense. “I’m not a big fan of game playing in situations like this, but I agree that Hayden’s never going to come to this conclusion on his own, and a push in the right direction might be beneficial.”
“Okay, so it’s unanimous,” Marlowe says.
Natalie holds up her hand. “Wait. Do I get a vote?”
“Of course you do, babe.” Flynn is acting as if this is his deal rather than mine. But who am I to quibble over the details when I want to hear what she has to say?
“You know I want you to get everything you’ve ever wished for and then some, right?” Natalie asks me.
“I think so.”
“I do.” She crosses the room to sit at the foot of my chaise. “You’ve been such a good friend to me since Flynn and I got together, and I’d love to wave a magic wand and have this situation with Hayden magically resolved with both of you happy and in love and planning a future together.”
Because that’s what I want, too, I feel my throat tighten with emotion.
“I just don’t know if this is the right way to go about it. I’ve seen his temper in action, and it’s not something to trifle with. He’s apt to kill someone if he thinks another guy is touching what he considers his.”
“That’s a good point,” Flynn says.
“Then we bring Devon Black in on it,” Marlowe says. “I know him. I’ll give him a heads-up.”
“It would be better if he knew,” Natalie says.
“I’ll make the call,” Marlowe says. “So we’re in agreement? We have a plan?”
All eyes turn to me. I realize this is probably the last chance I’m going to have to convince Hayden that I can be everything he wants and needs. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. “We have a plan.”
Chapter 14
After I leave Addie’s, I drive around aimlessly. I already regret leaving, and I hate that I hurt her. I suppose it was inevitable, which is exactly why I kept my distance for so long. Thinking about Oscar night, when she basically took the choice away from me, I realize I was powerless to resist her. I lost control, and I can’t let that happen.