by Marie Force
“That’s not why.”
The confirmation that he’s abandoning me and us breaks my heart into thousands of pieces that’ll never again be put back together. I’ll never be the same after him. That much I know for certain.
“Why, then? If you’re going to give up on us, at least have the decency to tell me why.”
“He’s right that you can do so much better than a guy who can’t even bring himself to tell you how he feels about you.”
“You have told me. You’ve told me you care about me more than you’ve ever cared about anyone. What else do you think I need to hear?”
He remains stubbornly silent.
I slide off his lap and drop to my knees before him. “Do I get any say in how my life unfolds, Hayden? Do I get a vote about what I want, or do you get to decide that for me?”
“I’m not deciding for you.”
“If you tell me we’re through because my father went off on you, then you are deciding. You’re deciding for both of us, and I’m right here, looking you dead in your gorgeous blue eyes and swearing on my life that you are what I want. You are what I’ve always wanted. We are what I want. After having what we’ve had, I can’t imagine seeing you with someone else or letting any other man touch me—”
A low growl erupts from his chest as he hauls me up and into his arms, his lips crashing into mine in a savage kiss that’s all about possession and dominance and love. There’s so much love here. He cups my ass and pulls me in tight against his erection as my heart soars with hope and more love than I knew was possible to feel.
His hands are under my skirt while his lips continue to devour me in deep, bruising kisses that I’ll feel for days.
A quick knock sounds on the door before it opens. “Hey, Hayden—”
He rips his lips free of mine. “Get the fuck out and stay out. The next person who comes in here is a dead man.”
“Gotcha.” The door clicks shut again.
“That wasn’t very nice,” I mutter against his lips.
“Fuck being nice. I’d much rather fuck you than be fucking nice.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
Again, that low growl thing he does sets me on fire for him, and our hands collide as we pull at clothes to free the important parts. He lifts me up and onto his hard cock, and I bite my lip to keep from screaming from the burning ache of his entry.
“So tight, so hot, so wet and all mine.”
I cling to him, one arm around his neck, the other hand fisting his hair. “Yes, Hayden, I’m yours. I’m all yours. Always.”
He squeezes my ass cheeks as he lifts me up and drops me back down, forcing me to take all of him.
My head falls back and my mouth opens on a silent scream as I come instantly. I’m still in the throes of it when my dress clears my head and my bra is released, freeing my breasts to his ravenous mouth. That anyone could walk in here and catch us going at it doesn’t faze me in the least. That’s nothing when stacked up to how close I came to losing him today. I don’t care about anything other than the tight squeeze of his cock inside me, the rough tug of his mouth on my nipple or the second orgasm that’s about to boil over.
I ride him shamelessly. I want him to feel this every bit as intensely as I do. Judging by his groans and fierce, desperate kisses, he’s feeling it. How could he not? And then I’m coming again, harder than before, and I can’t stop the cry that’s torn from my soul. He covers my mouth with his, and I’m glad that one of us is concerned about the scandal that’s probably ripping through the Quantum building.
I don’t care. I have him, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Nothing, not even my beloved dad, is going to come between us. Not if I have anything to say about it.
I follow Addie up the stairs to the private plane Flynn chartered to take the Quantum crew to Mexico. We’re all in need of a break after the last few insane months. As of midnight, when I turned in the final cut of Insidious, I’m on vacation. The gang is in high spirits as we buckle into our seats for takeoff and order drinks from the poor steward who drew the short straw for this trip. I hope Flynn is taking good care of him. He’s going to more than earn anything he makes.
In addition to Flynn, Natalie, and myself and Addie, Jasper, Kristian, Sebastian, Marlowe, Leah, Ellie and Emmett have joined the party. It’s like a freaking miracle that all of us could break free at the same time, but for once, the gods of schedules smiled down upon us, and we’ve got a whole week to spend together at Flynn’s awesome house in Cabo San Lucas, one of my favorite places to unwind.
I’ve been tightly wound since the day Simon York handed me my ass and Addie refused to let me go like she probably should have. Though I’m deeply thankful that she’s made up her mind that her father’s disapproval isn’t going to derail us, I wish I could be so certain.
Tucked into a secret compartment in my suitcase is the stunning ring Hugh and his team created for Addie. The three-carat emerald-cut diamond is flawless, and the platinum setting is one of a kind, just like the woman I love. I debated about the size of the stone, but I wanted her to be able to wear it every day, not just on special occasions. My Addie is endlessly efficient and productive, and she’d hate a big clunky ring that gets in her way. So I settled for a smaller but still gorgeous stone that I think she’ll love if I can work up the courage to actually ask her.
I hope that’ll happen in Mexico. I’ve had the ring for six days now, and there’s been plenty of opportunity in that time, but something always stops me when I think the moment has come. All my insecurities where she’s concerned come roaring to the surface any time I try to say what needs to be said to make her mine forever.
As the others laugh and talk and guzzle their drinks, I relive those painful moments in Simon’s studio. His words have cut me deep, and the wounds are still open and festering despite Addie’s best efforts to put her special kind of balm on them. I can’t stop thinking about the things he said and the abject hatred that came through in every word. I keep telling myself all that matters is that she loves me. The whole rest of the world can hate my fucking guts for all I care as long as she loves me.
If only it were that simple.
The plane taxis to the runway, and the ground rushes by as we hurtle lift off into the heavens. Addie’s hand covers mine, and I turn my palm faceup to rub against hers, looking over in time to see her smile at me. Everyone who works in the Quantum building knows we had wild sex in the editing room last week, but my partners have wisely refrained from comment. Perhaps they can sense how fragile our relationship really is. And it is fragile, despite the $200,000 ring I had made for her, despite the nights we’ve spent together, the love we’ve made. Underneath it all is a fragile foundation that could crumble at any second.
If I thought the ring could shore up that foundation, I would’ve put it on her finger the night I picked it up from Hugh. But it’s going to take far more than a piece of jewelry or a lifetime commitment to fix this. I heard everything she said that day in the editing room. I heard her say she chooses me over her father, over anyone, and that’s not going to change. I heard what she said, but I know her. I know how important her father is to her, how essential they’ve been to each other since they lost her mom. I remember their tight bond from the first time I met her, when she came on location with us and tended to Simon like a mother duck while he worked long, grueling hours.
A rift between them will lead to a rift between us. I’m as sure of that as I am that the sun will set tonight in spectacular fashion in Cabo. And therein lies the crux of my dilemma. How do I give her what she says she wants most without costing her a relationship she cherishes?
I can’t get my head around it, no matter how hard I try to see it from all angles.
“I thought Aileen was coming with us,” Kristian says when we reach cruising altitude and the steward returns with more drinks.
“She couldn’t swing it with the kids in school,” Natalie says of her friend in New York who has been b
attling breast cancer.
“Oh,” Kristian replies. “That’s too bad. Would’ve been nice to see her again.”
I see Natalie and Addie exchange intrigued glances at Kristian’s apparent interest in seeing Natalie’s friend again. I’m sure they’ll be matchmaking in no time with that little tidbit now out in the open. Poor Kristian.
Addie settles herself against me, her arm wrapped around mine. “You’re quiet.”
“Decompressing. Second-guessing.”
“What’re you second-guessing?”
“The film,” I say, quickly realizing she thinks I meant us.
“What about it?”
“Oh, the usual… coulda, shoulda, woulda. After that last time through last night, I’ll never watch it again.”
She raises her head off my shoulder. “Why?”
“I’ll see something that’ll piss me off because I didn’t fix it when I had the chance.”
“When you look for the flaws, you run the risk of overlooking the magic.”
Her wise statement applies to much more than my moviemaking-induced anxiety.
“How’d you get so wise?” I ask, cuffing her chin.
Smiling, she says, “I’m not all that wise.”
Raising the armrest between us, I put my arm around her and bring her in as close as I can get her in the restrictive confines of the seats. “I think you are, possibly, the wisest person I know.”
“And you are, without a doubt, the most brilliant filmmaker of your generation. Insidious is brilliant. Camouflage is brilliant. All your films are amazing, and so is the person whose vision makes them possible in the first place.”
“I hate to point out that you may be a tad bit biased,” I say, embarrassed by her effusiveness.
She sighs and puts her head back on my shoulder, making it impossible for me to read that ridiculously expressive face of hers.
“Why the deep sigh?”
“Sometimes I wish you could see yourself the way other people do.”
I’m almost afraid to ask. “What do you mean?”
“When people say you’re the most gifted director of your generation, they aren’t saying that to blow smoke up your ass. They say it because it’s true. I say it because it’s true, not because I’m in love with you. I know your childhood was less than ideal, Hayden, but you grew up to be a very fine man who everyone on this plane is honored to call friend, partner, collaborator. You take care of the people you love even if you have trouble telling them how you feel. You’re nothing at all like the people who raised you, and regardless of what you believe, I often feel like I’m not good enough for you.”
They are, quite simply, the most magnificent compliments I’ve ever received from anyone, and I’m rendered speechless. I tighten the grip I have on her shoulder.
She lifts her head off my shoulder to look into my eyes, which have to be shinier than they were a minute ago. “So shut up about the film being anything less than perfect, will you please?”
“Sure, baby.” I smile at her, my heart full to overflowing. “Whatever you say.”
Chapter 19
The time in Mexico is pure bliss—sunshine, lots of laughter with most of my favorite people, amazing food, all the booze we can drink and some of the sexiest nights of my life with Hayden. He’s lightened up somewhat since our talk on the plane, but he’s still burdened by something—and I suspect that something is my father’s disapproval.
Since that night at his place before he saw my dad, there’s been no more talk of our house on the coast, the blue-eyed children or the life we might one day have, but that’s okay. I’m giving him all the time and space he needs, hoping he’ll relax during this much-needed getaway. I’m also trying not to think about how he’ll soon be leaving town for a few months to shoot his next film in the Middle East.
The thought of all that time away from him makes me sick at heart. But we’ll get through it. Even though we’ve had our ups and downs, I’m more convinced than ever that we belong together, and I’ll fight to the bitter end to make that happen.
I’ve had a few tense conversations with my dad since the day Hayden saw him. I understand that he has a right to his opinion, but I’ve urged him to spend more time with Hayden and with the two of us together before he passes judgment. He’s agreed to think about it, leaving us truly at odds for the first time in my life.
I’m not sure what I’ll do if he never comes around to seeing what I do in Hayden, but I’ve made up my mind that if our relationship has to permanently change because of the choice I’ve made, then so be it. I’ll miss the closeness I’ve always shared with Dad, but I won’t sacrifice my happiness—or Hayden’s.
A thunderstorm blows in after dinner on our fourth night in Mexico, and everyone is hunkered down in various corners of the big house. Jasper, Sebastian, Kristian and Emmett are playing an intense game of high-stakes poker while Leah, Ellie and Marlowe look on, taking sides, teasing and generally rabble-rousing. Natalie is in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. She chased us all out when we offered to help, and we let her. I’ve noticed how much she enjoys mothering us all, and I wonder how long it’ll be before she’s mothering a baby.
“Where did Hayden and Flynn get off to?” I ask.
“I heard something about cigars, so you might check the den.”
“Ewww.”
“That’s exactly why I’m in here rather than in there.”
“Wise woman. What is it about men and their cigars anyway?”
“I have no idea,” she says, “but they do remind me of my grandpa.” The wistful expression on her face is a poignant reminder of the family she left behind as a young girl. “If you find my husband, tell him I was looking bored and lonely.”
Laughing, I squeeze her shoulder. “I’ll give him the message.” I leave the kitchen and head down the short flight of stairs that leads to the den on the lower level where Hayden and I have been staying. I’m about to knock on the partially closed door when their voices stop me.
“So you already bought a ring?” Flynn asks.
“Yeah, Hugh hooked me up.”
I raise one hand to my heart and another to cover my mouth to contain my shriek of excitement.
“So when’re you going to pop the question?”
“I don’t think I’m going to, actually.”
Like a balloon stuck by a pin, I’m deflated, and tears fill my eyes.
“Why not?” Flynn sounds almost as disappointed as I feel. “I thought you were crazy about her.”
“I am. I’m out of my mind over her.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Simon hates me. He made it clear he’ll never approve of us together, and he’s too important to Addie to pretend like that doesn’t matter. Somehow, he even knows about the kink.”
“Fuck. He came right out and said that?”
“He said word on the street is I need to tie up a woman to get off, and I could tell the thought of me with his daughter thoroughly disgusts him.”
“Yikes. What does she say?”
“That she’ll work it out with him, but we both know if she marries me, her relationship with him will be permanently fucked. She’s said she can live with that, but what if she can’t? What if she hates me someday for forcing her to choose between us? I don’t know, Flynn. I just don’t know. I’m fucking losing my shit over this.”
The sob that’s been trying to get out breaks free of the hand I’ve placed over my mouth. It’s loud, and they go quiet. I know they heard me. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here now. I push through the door that leads to the pool deck and run out into the rain that’s coming down in sheets. It’s a cold rain that soaks through the light dress I’m wearing in a matter of seconds. I reach the end of the pool deck and take the stairs that lead to a path we hiked the other day.
I hear him and Flynn calling my name, but I keep running. I can’t do this anymore. All the determination I felt only ten minutes ago has deserted
me in the face of his statements to Flynn. Either he wants me or he doesn’t, but I can no longer love him enough for both of us. He’s gaining on me, so I run faster, blinded by the rain and the wind and darkness. I should be scared, but I’m too numb to feel anything other than a fierce need to flee.
“Addison!” He’s still quite a ways behind me, and just as I decide to cut right onto a different trail, my foot catches on a root and I pitch forward into the darkness, screaming as I claw for something to hold on to while sliding precariously downward, propelled by mud. My hand finds a narrow branch and I cling to it. I have no idea what’s below me or how far the fall would be. Maybe this is it. I’m going to die out here, and whereas the thought of that would’ve terrified me an hour ago, now…
“Addie!” He’s much closer now, and I don’t want to die. I don’t want this to be the end, even if my heart is shattered.
“Hayden!”
“Sweetheart, where are you? Keep talking to me.”
“Down here.”
“Oh my God. Don’t move. Hold on as tight as you can. I’m going to get you.” In the darkness, I can barely make him out about three feet above me. He’s flat on his stomach, reaching down for me. “Give me your hand.”
“I can’t let go.”
“Baby, you have to trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear. Give me your hand.”
The ground that’s holding me shifts precariously, sending a jolt of adrenaline crashing through me that gives me the courage to reach for him, to put my trust in him. His grip on my wrist is tight enough to shatter my bones, but he doesn’t let go. Flynn is there, too, pulling on Hayden as he pulls on me.
It takes both of them to drag me back up onto the trail and into his trembling arms.
“Oh my God.” He holds me so tightly I’m afraid I’ll truly break. “Addison. Oh my God.”
Still on his knees next to us, Flynn’s head is bowed as he pants from the exertion.
“Baby.” Hayden sounds as shattered as I feel. “God, I love you so much. Don’t ever run away from me again. Promise me. I love you.” He’s hugging me and kissing me and rocking me as the rain comes down even harder than it was before. “I need you to promise me.”