by Janie Crouch
“No, she’s not,” Finn said, looking at the water.
Oh God, did Finn still have feelings for her? Did he want to try and work things out with her in the long run? That had never even crossed Charlie’s mind.
“I’m sorry. Your relationship with her is none of my business. I didn’t mean to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.”
Now he looked over at her. “We don’t have a relationship. She and I never did.”
“Oh. Does Ethan have a relationship with her? Maybe you could get her input on your concerns about his friendship with Jess.”
“She’s dead, Charlie. Ethan’s mother died.”
Crap. She was just making this worse. “I’m sorry. I’m going to stop talking now.”
Finn didn’t say anything for the longest time and she wondered if she had ruined the entire afternoon. She was supposed to just be sitting here and enjoying the sun, and instead she’d gotten all into his business and caused him to withdraw.
She nudged his shoulder with her own. “Hey, I’m sorry. I, more than anyone, understand some things you just don’t want to talk about. Please don’t let me ruin our easy afternoon. Still want me to go in the water with you?”
Finn looked over at Charlie’s pinched features, which just a few minutes ago had been relaxed and laughing.
Way to go, asshole. You promised her an afternoon of no worries, then turned around and gave her one more thing she thinks she needs to shoulder.
Even more, he kept wanting her to tell the truth about her life—to trust him with it—and wasn’t willing to do the same himself.
It was hard to leave yourself open to judgment. He needed to remember that when he was expecting it of her.
“No,” he finally said. “I want to tell you about Tamara. I’m sorry I was being a jerk.”
“No,” she rushed. “You weren’t. I pushed, and I shouldn’t have—”
He reached over and kissed her, partly to stop her rambling words, but mostly because it was the easiest way to make her understand he wasn’t angry at her. She tried to draw back almost immediately, but he threaded his fingers into that long blonde hair and kept his mouth against hers. He didn’t care who saw.
Only after she stopped all resistance and melted into his kiss did he let her go. Those blue eyes blinked open. “You’re dangerous,” she whispered.
He smiled. “I don’t like talking about Tamara because I made so many mistakes. Ones Ethan ended up paying for. It’s hard for me to tell you, especially you, how bad things got.”
Her hand came up to stroke his jaw. “Can I remind you that until a few days ago I was living in my car? So, if this is a contest of who fell the furthest, I think I have you beat.”
Finn wasn’t so sure. “I didn’t even know about Ethan for the first three years of his life. I met Tamara when I was on . . .leave. It was a one-night stand, a stupid mistake.”
He didn’t want to tell her that it had been after he’d failed to stop Charlie from marrying Kempsley. That had been why he’d taken a stranger back to his hotel room. Because he couldn’t stand the thought of Charlie on her wedding night with someone else. He pulled back from her now and stretched his legs out in front of him.
But she was too smart not to figure it out. “You met her here in Wyoming?”
Finn sighed. “Yes.”
She looked over at Ethan. “He’s seven, right?”
Finn nodded. She was doing the math in her head.
“It happened when you came here to stop my wedding,” she whispered. “I don’t know how I didn’t figure that out before.”
He nodded. “I was reeling pretty hard.”
That didn’t even come close to the emotional devastation he’d been going through. And, since he’d gone AWOL, he’d had no idea what sort of future he was going back to in the Army, if he had one at all. Fortunately, that had worked out for him, largely thanks to Major Pinnock.
Finn took off his sunglasses and rubbed his fingers over his eyes. “I know after what happened against my door yesterday you’re going to find this hard to believe, but I did use protection with Tamara. Yesterday is the only time in my entire life I’ve been too caught up to even think about it.”
She gave an adorable snort. “Thank you, I think. And I’m on birth control, by the way, so we’re safe.”
This woman had no idea how much she splintered his focus. Always had. “Honestly, I never even thought about Tamara again. I was trying to put that entire period behind me.”
“Did she contact you when she found out she was pregnant?”
“No. But in her defense, I hadn’t given her any reason, or much method, of doing so. The place where I hooked up with Tamara makes The Cactus Motel look like the Ritz.”
She winced. He couldn’t blame her.
“She was on drugs. I mean, I wasn’t actively aware of that at the time, but honestly I didn’t care.”
“How did you find out about Ethan at all?”
He glanced at the water. “That’s what kills me the most. If I hadn’t had my particular name—there aren’t very many Finns from Wyoming in the Army—I never would have.”
“She contacted the Army for child support?”
Finn scrubbed a hand over his face. “Worse. She tracked down my mother.”
Charlie’s mouth gaped open. “When she was pregnant?”
“No. Three years later. She’d already had Ethan and he’d been taken away from her by social services. By that point she was a full-fledged junkie.”
“What did she want from your mom?”
Finn watched his son playing with Jess, looking like any other healthy, happy seven-year-old. Maybe a little on the small side, but Finn had been scrawny growing up also.
“Tamara showed up with a picture of Ethan and said she needed help to get clean.” He picked at pieces of grass next to the blanket, unable to look Charlie in the eye. “You know my mom. Hell, she probably would’ve helped for any kid, but one that looked like me in my baby pictures? I don’t think she felt like she had any choice. She knew the timing of Ethan’s birth coincided with when I had been here on leave. And Tamara knew stuff about me, that I was in the Army, that I had been upset about someone getting married. Tamara knew enough to be credible.”
Charlie’s small hand covered his on the blanket.
He kept going. “Tamara promised she would get the information about the baby and return with it, so they could get him out of foster care. She promised to get clean, with Mom’s help, and get back custody of Ethan. I don’t know if Mom believed her, but she didn’t know what else to do. She gave Tamara two hundred dollars. But she never showed back up.”
Charlie shook her head. “Honestly, she was a junkie. I’m surprised she didn’t return to try and get more money, even if she never planned to provide more information about Ethan.”
“She didn’t show back up because she overdosed and died.”
“Oh my gosh,” Charlie gasped.
“Mom spent the next six months trying to find her. All she had was a first name and that picture of Ethan as a baby. Not much to go on. Finally, she told me about what had happened. I took leave and came home to try to figure out what was going on.”
He finally looked over at her. “It took a long time to find Ethan. And once we did, it was an extensive process to gain custody of him. I had to undergo physical tests to prove I was his biological father, and then it was just a long, slow system to wade through. Ethan got bounced around a lot, since he was listed as a temporary placement in the foster care system. God, Charlie, it broke my mother’s heart to know her grandson had no permanent home when all she wanted to do was pull him close and keep him with her forever.”
Her fingers trailed up and down his hand.
“The foster homes were a damn sight better than how he’d lived with Tamara. I can’t even imagine the full truth, but I saw a picture of the shithole they were living in when Child Protective Services finally picked him up.”
The pl
ace had been infested with rats—both the literal and metaphorical kind. This part of the story made him want to vomit.
“She tried to sell Ethan when he was two. That’s how CPS found out about him. Evidently some other junkie couldn’t stand the thought of a baby being sold, so he called the police.”
He couldn’t keep the agony out of his voice. He would live his whole life knowing he had failed his son in the worst possible way before even knowing he existed. Charlie’s hand curled around his in silent support.
“Ethan didn’t say a word the entire first year we had custody of him. I moved back in with Mom, so one of us could be with him every second, and worked at the factory.”
At that moment Jess let out a squeal and Ethan a cackle. Both Finn and Charlie looked at them. Ethan was chasing Jessica with a piece of wood, pretending it was some sort of monster.
Charlie gripped his wrist. “But look at him now, Finn. And yes, if Tamara was using drugs during her pregnancy, or if Ethan didn’t get proper care or nutrition as a baby, that might affect his cognitive development. But look at him. That’s a happy, well-adjusted little boy. You should be proud of him. Of yourself.”
“I am proud of him. Hell, if he had never said another word his entire life I would’ve been just for having the strength to survive what he did. But hell yeah, I’m proud of him.”
Himself? Not a whole lot to be proud of there.
“You’re wrong, you know,” she said without even looking at him.
“About being proud of Ethan?”
“Wrong about whatever thoughts are in your head about yourself.” Now she turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised, as if daring him to contradict her.
How was it possible that she still knew him so well?
“You’re thinking you didn’t do enough,” she continued, not waiting for him to speak. “That you somehow should’ve known, should’ve done more. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had. You acted when it was needed. That’s what counts. Ethan’s home life and happiness—those are the things that matter now, not what you couldn’t do anything about.” She picked at the grass. “Not that I’m any expert or really get any say in the matter.”
Now it was his turn to raise an eyebrow at her. “Why?”
She shrugged and waved a hand back and forth between them. “This isn’t important. We’re temporary. I know that.”
“You and I need to talk.”
He expected her to make some comment about how they had been for the past thirty minutes, but instead she drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, as if trying to protect her vital organs from a blow. “I already know what you’re going to say,” she finally whispered. “And I understand, especially after what you just told me. You have to protect Ethan from people like me who won’t be in your . . . his . . .life on a long-term basis.”
“You don’t think my son has seen us together today? You don’t think he doesn’t already suspect something? I haven’t had any serious relationships since I got custody of Ethan. Some casual, but you’re right, there’s been no one he’s seen me with.”
She nodded. “Exactly. That’s wise, and it what’s best for him if you don’t want him to get attached to someone like me, who means nothing to you. Better to keep it strictly on an educational level between Ethan and I.”
Nothing? “Do you really think you mean nothing to me?”
She let out a sigh. “I’m not being coy, Finn, and I’m not trying to make you out as the bad guy. I just know once you get me out of your system or whatever, this thing between us will be over.”
She still didn’t get it. Hell, he wasn’t sure he did. Charlotte Devereux had been in his system for the past fifteen years. He didn’t think she was ever getting out.
“What about your system, Charlie? Am I in yours?”
She looked over at the kids, out at the water, down at her toes. Anywhere but at him. “Does it matter?”
“Yes, it very much does.”
He thought she might not answer. Charlie was so brave, strong, and larger than life—sunshine mixed with a little hurricane—but admitting her feelings out loud had never come easy to her. He didn’t know if she’d be able to now, especially if she thought he didn’t care about her.
She was wrong. So, so wrong.
“What do you want me to say, Finn? Do you want the truth? That I’ll take every second I can get from you? That I’ll take the scraps of your time? That if you want to keep me as a hidden piece of ass on the side, I’ll take it?” Her words were quiet but so passionate they felt like blows.
Now those blue eyes looked at him, pinning him. She was being sincere, no doubt. He could do nothing but sit there, gutted.
She continued, her volume staying low but her intensity growing. “Do you want me to tell you that you’ve always been the one for me? That I never stopped loving you even when I was married to another man? That I look over at Ethan and desperately wish he were mine? Ours?”
“Charlie . . .” He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to her, only that he had to stop her words. Had to stop the agony he could feel dripping from her.
She took a shuddery breath and wrenched herself under control. “You don’t get do-overs in life, I know that. So, believe me, I don’t expect it.”
This was such a surreal conversation to be having with half of Oak Creek around them, even though no one was close enough to hear their words. But he wished they were alone so he could peel her out of that black bikini that had been driving him crazy all afternoon and show her how much she meant to him.
But those sorts of actions were part of the problem. Sweaty, passionate sex might make all the bad feelings and doubts disappear for a moment, but in the long run, it didn’t do anything to alleviate her fears. If anything, it just added to them. Passion, heat, and physical connection had never been their problem.
Communication had.
“Charlie, look at me.”
After a long moment, she finally turned her eyes to his.
“I used to have nightmares, you know, about your wedding day. Or maybe it wasn’t really so much nightmares as it was my subconscious trying to figure out if I could have done something differently to change the outcome.”
She opened her mouth, but he held out a hand and she shut it again.
“I’ll be honest, five years ago, there’s no way I could’ve forgiven you. Yeah, I probably still would’ve had sex with you because Christ, Charlie, I’m not sure there’s anything in the world you could do to me that would make me not want to have sex with you.”
She gave him the tiniest of smiles.
“So yeah, it would be exactly like you’re thinking now. I would have fucked you—well and often—for a while, but that would’ve been it. It would’ve been nothing deeper to me.”
He reached out and spun her whole body, which was still pretty much curled in a ball with her knees to her chest, so they were facing each other.
“Five years is a lot of time to grow,” he continued. “To change. To learn that life is sometimes complicated.”
“There are things I should tell you about why I got married.” The words burst out of her like she couldn’t hold them back any longer.
He trailed a finger down her cheek. “Five years ago, I would’ve taken you up on that offer. Because whenever I woke up from that nightmare about your wedding day, all I could think about was why. Why had you done that? I knew you loved me, Charlie. I knew you didn’t love Brandon.”
“He offered me—”
Finn reached over and cut her off with a gentle kiss. “Something I couldn’t. I don’t need to know what it was. Maybe it was money, security, stature . . .it doesn’t matter. There was something you needed, and he could provide it when I couldn’t.”
She nodded. “It was more than money.”
Finn gave her a half smile. “Good. I’m glad to hear that.”
But he realized he already knew. Even when he’d thought the worst
of Charlie, he’d always known there had to be more at play than just the obvious. And some day he would get her to tell him everything. But that wasn’t what was important right now.
“Five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed you, even though deep inside I never thought you left me because of Brandon’s money. Seven, I probably wouldn’t have talked to you at all, so it wouldn’t have mattered.”
“And now?” she whispered.
“Do you know when the last time was I had that nightmare?”
“When?”
“Ethan had been home for thirteen months. And he had just spoken his first words to me. Nothing life-changing, just ‘Night, Daddy.’ It was the first time I heard his voice. The first time anyone had ever called me Daddy. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard.” For the rest of his life he would remember Ethan’s tiny voice as Finn had tucked him into bed.
“The dream about you that night started out the same, with me trying to figure out what I could say or do to stop you from marrying Brandon. I struggled frantically, running out of time, distraught. I reached the point I always did, when complete helplessness washed over me as I watched you walk to Brandon. Usually I woke up then. But that time it was different. That time in my dream, little Ethan came over to me. He took my hand and just said ‘Daddy’ in his tiny voice and led me away with him.”
Tears were trailing down Charlie’s cheeks. “Because if you had had me, you wouldn’t have had Ethan.”
Of course she understood. Had he really thought she wouldn’t?
“I think that’s when I started to let all my anger toward you go. In life, we don’t see the bigger picture. We just see pieces. Sometimes those pieces are ugly. Some pieces of our past—yours and mine together—are always going to be jagged and rough and difficult to look at. But maybe, when the whole is finished, it might be something beautiful.”
With a little sob, she brought both hands up to cover her face. Finn couldn’t help it, he pulled her into his lap. Charlie’s tears were always going to wreck him.
“This is twice I’ve seen you cry. You’re starting to make me think you’re not invincible.”