by H A Dawson
‘So what have you been up to?’
I cast him a troubled stare. His sudden cheery mood sounded false, and as far as I was concerned, it was an indication of his growing anxiety.
‘Have you been to taekwondo classes of late?’
‘I went a couple of days ago,’ I said, relenting to his needs. ‘And Ebony and I had Marie and Shona over a couple of nights ago. It was like old times.’
‘Too much drinking, no doubt.’
‘Just a bit.’ I smiled. ‘I am trying to stay off the bottle.’
‘I never said a word!’
I averted my shamed expression.
‘Do you think you drink too much?’ he asked.
‘No, not really. I’d just like to drink a bit less.’ I forced a bright face. ‘I don’t want to go wrinkly before my time.’
‘That’s a long way off. You’ve a beautiful complexion.’
We carried on with our light-hearted comments for several minutes, and I had to admit it was a preferable state. As we chatted and laughed, it was as we used to be, so much so that I almost forget he was seriously ill and in a hospital bed. When thoughts surrounding his poor state of health hit me, I felt as though all my energy had left me and I felt saddened, demotivated and flat. Yet I knew they were emotions I had to hide. My training had taught me to remain positive at all times; the last thing a seriously ill person needed was for visitors to make negative comments and to add to their own worries.
Dad caught my wandering gaze. ‘I’m sorry for being grouchy earlier. It’s this place … it does things to you.’
‘I know.’
I wanted to say so much, yet I couldn’t find the words to speak, and fiddled with the buttons on my blouse and cast a plaintive stare. Time was also running out, and if I didn’t broach the subject of his past soon then my opportunity would pass.
I gulped back my dread and took a deep breath. ‘You’ve never told me much about your past. I feel I know so little about the life you once had.’
Dad did not reply.
‘How did you meet Mum?’
He caught my gaze, looked away and breathed short quick breaths. When he held his hand to his chest, I feared my comment had increased his blood pressure to a worrying state and I was ready to retract my comment. However, he quickly regained composure, looked me straight in the eye as though warning me of his limits, and then speaking in a stern voice told me it was in a pub somewhere.
‘It was in Warwickshire, wasn’t it?’ I said in the brightest voice as I could muster.
He nodded.
‘Whereabouts?’
‘I don’t remember.’
I didn’t believe him for one second, not if Matt was correct in that he had been visiting the area over the course of the last few months. He was clearly hiding something, and it was serious enough to lie. Nevertheless, despite my doubts, I didn’t intend to force it out of him and pretended to accept he spoke the truth.
‘Neither of you talks about it very much,’ I said. ‘Was it where you were raised?’
‘No, that was in Cheshire, as well you know.’ He gasped for air. ‘Why all the questions all of a sudden?’
‘I want to know more about you, that’s all.’
‘If I know you as well as I think I do, you have an ulterior motive.’
I folded my arms wondering what to say.’
‘So go on. What is it?’
I gulped. ‘I watched a few of the videos. There was one of you and me taken when I was about two or three years old, maybe older. You were taking care of a baby. I …’ I regarded him briefly. ‘I called her Bex.’
He passed me an apprehensive stare. According to the machine, he was attached to the tension had spread to his heart, quickening his pulse and raising his blood pressure. His breathing was faster too, causing my unease. Yet I didn’t want to withdraw my need for answers and asked him who she was.
He averted his pained stare. ‘Your mother doesn’t know about her.’
‘I won’t say anything, I promise.’ I paused. ‘Is she … is she your daughter?’
‘Why would you think that?’
‘I … I just thought she might be. You had time apart from Mum when I was little. It makes sense that-’
He cut me off. ‘I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t want to. Whatever happened in the past stays there. Got it?’
‘Are you …’ I stopped speaking, a sense of foreboding clutching my throat. But I had to get it out. Dad was not going to offer me anything. If I learned anything at all, it would be by dragging it out of him. ‘Are you my real father?’
My comment surprised him, causing a moment of calmness to soften his face. ‘Of course, I am. That’s a silly thing to say, Kelly.’
I sighed. When I noticed him studying me with a mixture of parental concern and anxiety, I feared he was about to change the subject, so without giving it anymore thought, I asked him again if Bex was his daughter. He didn’t take kindly to my comment and once again, without responding, the effects on his heart were apparent.
‘Please talk to me, Dad,’ I said in a reassuring voice. ‘This obviously concerns you, and whatever happened doesn’t matter to me. I’ll still love you regardless.’
His breathing intensified and his hands quivered. ‘I need to find her.’
‘I wondered if you did. Will you tell me who she is?’
‘She … she might be my daughter.’
‘I understand. What’s her mother’s name?’
He shook her head and turned away.
‘If I’m going to help you look for her, I need some information. Where might I find her?’
‘Benholt, Warwickshire, but you can’t tell Pam.’
‘I’ll keep Mum out of it for now. But I can’t forever. She’s every right to know.’
He raised his fist to his cheek and averted his fearful stare. I could tell he was imagining her response and all the distress it would create, and he was right to think of such a thing. Mum would be devastated, understandably so, and she would have innumerable questions. He had to talk to her whilst he still had the chance; it was the right thing to do.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice Dad’s condition had worsened until the machine at his side started to beep. Driven by panic, I leapt to my feet and scanned the ward for the duty nurse. But she was already reacting to the sound and commanding one of the other nurses to get help whilst hurrying towards us.
She pulled the curtain around the bed and ushered me out. I tried to resist and reminded her that I was a qualified nurse and that I could help. Yet my comment had no impact, and seconds later, another nurse guided out of the ward.
Waiting for news, I plonked onto a chair in the corridor, my heart sinking and laden with grief and anxiety and my body shaking. Unable to sit still, I hurried to the ward entrance and stared at the curtain around his bed. My instincts were to charge across to see what I could learn, but a little voice inside my head reminded me of how disruptive anxious relatives could be in situations such as these. So, I tried to settle, and flopped back onto the chair, resting my head on the wall and stared blindly at the ceiling.
Seconds later, I called Matt on the phone.
‘Something has happened to Dad,’ I said. ‘It’s his heart. I don’t know if I caused it. I was asking about Bex when it happened.’ I ran my hand through my hair. ‘Oh, God. What if …’ my words trapped ‘… what if I’ve caused him to … to …’
‘Are the doctors with him?’ he interjected.
‘They are.’ I hurried to the ward entrance and stared at his curtained bed. ‘I can’t see what they’re doing. What if … what if he’s died?’
‘Try to stay calm. I’ll be up there in a few minutes.’
Chapter 7
Matt had been brilliant during Dad’s worrying episode, and kept me calm and stopped my mind from analysing a future that had not happened. Thankfully, the team rapidly brought his heart under control, and whilst his discomfort had diminished, t
hey decided visiting time was over for us. They also requested that I didn’t engage him in stressful conversations in the future just in case there was a connection to the incident. It left me feeling adrift.
Exiting the hospital, I glanced at Matt searching for his comfort, support, and wisdom. I didn’t know whether I should progress my search to find Bex. In addition, I feared the outcome would have repercussions for us all, repercussions we’d rather be without.’
‘He is going to be okay,’ Matt said.
‘For now.’
Frowning, he squeezed my hand.
‘Dad said I might find Bex in Benholt. It’s just … I don’t know if finding her is the best thing for him. Her presence, or maybe just my questions, might push him over the edge, and he might not be so lucky next time. I couldn’t bear it if …’ I gulped back my rising emotion ‘… if my questions cause him to have a massive heart attack.’
‘How important do you think Bex is to him?’
‘My instincts tell me she is. Despite what he said, I do think Bex is his daughter. I think he needs to meet her before it’s too late.’
‘Then that’s what you should do. Trust in him … in yourself. You will both get through this.’
‘What about Mum? How’s she going to cope with the news?’
‘It might not be as bad as you think.’
‘I hope not. Having just witnessed how precarious his health is, I perfectly understand him wanting to keep her out of it.’
‘But it’s likely to happen eventually.’
‘Don’t remind me.’ I climbed into his car. ‘I’d still like to talk to him first.’
‘It might be better to wait for a few days. We could go to Benholt on your next day off to see what he can find out, and then we can take it from there. There’s no point in having what could be a stress-inducing conversation with him if we then reach a dead end.’
‘I guess not.’
‘Now,’ Matt said and smiled. ‘What do you fancy doing? We could go to the shopping centre for a walk around and a coffee, or we could go back home.’
‘I don’t mind.’ I fastened my seat belt. ‘I’m not much company, am I?’
‘Nonsense. We can’t be chirpy all the time. And your father is ill. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
I forced an appreciative smile.
‘How about we go to see a late afternoon film to take your mind off things?’
‘Do you mind if we watch one at home? I don’t feel to be up to anything else.’
‘Sure. Your place or mine?’
We agreed to go to my house and upon our arrival, I shared a brief conversation with Ebony who was entertaining one of her girlfriends in the lounge. At first, she was going to stay to watch a film with us, but when I told her it was going to be Matt’s choice, she pulled a face and they vacated the room.
I turned to Matt. ‘You make a choice, and I’ll get the drinks and snacks. What do you fancy?’
‘I’ll have a coffee.’
‘Not a beer?’
He grinned. ‘A coffee’s fine. I’m not stopping you from having something stronger.’
‘No,’ I said in a confident voice. ‘I’ll have a coffee too. It’ll do me good.’ I paused at the door. ‘Thanks for keeping me company. I do appreciate it.’
‘I’d do anything for you. You know that.’
I studied his intense expression, but not for long, as I was soon overcome with guilt and hurried away. I was certain that I didn’t feel the same intensity of love for him as he did for me, and believed that one day, perhaps when this was over, that I would break his heart by ending our relationship.
The truth was that I enjoyed having a male companion in my life. It wasn’t about the sex, as that was infrequent, to say the least; it was about the relationship. Opposite gender relationships differed from those that I had with my female friends and in some ways, it felt preferable, at least to me. Whilst I felt supported and loved by both, I felt calmer with men and had less of a tendency to get into an emotional state. Matt, in particular, was good to lean on, as he had strength and calmness I enjoyed.
Once I’d made the coffees, I returned to Matt in the lounge. As I’d expected, he selected an action film. He then asked me to sit beside him on the sofa. Given my disappointing thoughts, my instinct was to avoid physical contact altogether, but when I reminded myself of his kindness, especially regarding my recent turmoil, I decided it was an appropriate way to behave and did as instructed.
Once seated, he placed his arm around my back and we started the film. But my mind was hazy with my focus remaining on Bex and my father. Repeatedly, I remembered Dad’s anxious expression as our conversation progressed through elements of his past. I guessed that his fears were connected to my mother’s reaction should she learn the truth of his promiscuity. Yet it was an unavoidable truth, as it would, one way or another, find a way out.
I expelled a noisy breath of air causing Matt to squeeze my hand. How would either of us ever be able to tell my mother the truth when the fallout could potentially kill him? If only Dad had acted prior to his illness then we wouldn’t be in a dilemma.
Had the only contact Dad had ever had with Bex been during her first few months of her life? If so, what had happened to cause them to lose touch? And who had been his lover?
I had more questions than answers and it was infuriating. I also couldn’t imagine my father deceiving my mother and me, and it felt like a horrid betrayal of trust. Yet I tried not to think about that. My burden was significant enough as it was without adding his unfathomable behaviour to it.
A thought shot through my mind. ‘I haven’t told Mum what happened at the hospital.’ I stood up. ‘I should call her.’
Matt reached the remote control and pressed the pause button. I considered telling him not to bother since I hadn’t been watching the film, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to admit my mind had been wandering, and thanked him for his consideration and rushed from the room.
Speaking to Mum, I was deliberately vague in my description of what had happened and assumed when father spoke to her that he would be too. Since her responses were brief and her tone calm, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. I decided not to think about it and made an excuse to leave. Before we ended the conversation, and despite my reticence, I accepted the invitation to visit and we made a date a few days hence.
To say I wasn’t looking forward to it was an understatement. I didn’t like having to censor everything I was going to say, yet I knew that was what I would have to do. Aside from keeping my knowledge of Bex private, I was going to have to keep my visit to Benholt out of the conversation, too. I could afford no slip-ups and would have to be mindful of my words and actions at all time.
I returned to Matt in the lounge.
‘Everything okay?’ he asked.
‘She wants me to visit. I don’t know how I’m going to keep Bex from her.’
‘You’ll find a way.’
‘I hate lying to her Matt. I wish I wasn’t in this situation.’
‘It won’t be forever.’
‘I hope not,’ I said and snuggled beside him.
Each time I thought of my imminent visit to see my mother, I grew increasingly nervous. To put it from my mind, I tried to occupy myself as much as possible, so rather than returning home to an empty house after my night shift, I chose to join Matt in a taekwondo session. He had just started to coach a girl called Sarah, and unusually, because she was home-schooled, he trained her in the morning. To make my time there worthwhile, we agreed to book a forty-minute session at the fitness centre prior to his private tuition. It proved to be a good decision as by the time it was over, I felt reinvigorated and happier than I had felt for ages.
‘That was so much fun,’ I said, beaming from ear to ear. ‘Thank you for inviting me.’
‘My pleasure. You don’t need to stay around if you don’t want to.’
‘No, a deal is a deal. But I am going to freshen up. I’ll
be back in five minutes.’
I rushed from the room and went into the changing room where I wiped down my sweaty body with a wet wipe and changed my top under my suit. Once I’d locked my possessions back into the locker, I vacated the room with a smile on my face.
I hadn’t gotten far when one of the fitness instructors stopped me and asked after my father. Since the incident, many people had offered me supportive comments, and whilst I was appreciative, I regretted being unable to speak positively of his progress. He may be stable, but he wasn’t in a position to return home, something I was beginning to fear he would never be able to do except to die.
I forced a joyous tone. ‘He’s still in the hospital. They say he’s a bit of a misnomer. Hopefully, we’ll know more soon.’
‘Aw, that’s tough,’ Dwane said. ‘We’re all missing him. He’s a top bloke. You must be proud of him.’
I grimaced. Up until I learned of his dark past, I would have agreed. As it was, I wasn’t certain how much pride I could feel. He should have tracked down Bex sooner than now, and not only for Mum and me but for Bex too. She couldn’t feel great not knowing her father. How was she going to handle the news knowing that he had taken the best part of twenty-five years to make an effort?
‘He’s in the best place, Kelly,’ he continued. ‘Try not to worry.’
‘The number of times I’ve heard that …’
‘Sorry,’ he said and frowned.
‘No, I’m sorry. I’ve just worked on the night shift and I feel a bit grouchy. Ignore me.’
‘Then I should let you go. Pass on my regards.’
I said I would and wandered back to Matt in the room at the end of the corridor. He had already started training Sarah, and had completed her warm-up routine and was instructing her on a move that she was trying to learn. When he saw me, he asked me to spar with her so he could assist her with her technique. Even though she was a slight girl, she was strong, confident, and displayed a keen desire to learn, and we made good progress.