by H A Dawson
Glenn remained in my thoughts as I trotted to catch up with my companions and we progressed along the top floor to the staircase to the roof. At the far side of the corridor was a gathering of people outside a conference room, and at the other was another staircase. I believed I had just seen Glenn weaving through them and heading away, and even started to make the chase. Yet it proved a futile decision. If it was Glenn, he was long gone. In addition, his presence might not be important. Lauren was all that mattered; she was the person I needed to reach.
We arrived at the door to the roof. My companions passed through first and I followed. To my utmost regret, a security guard appeared from the upper level and forced me back down the steps.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘There’s no viewing gallery. Please make your way out of here.’
‘But you don’t understand. She’s my patient.’ I considered adding that she wasn’t any more, but I changed my mind. Announcing my suspension would not go in my favour, regardless of the circumstances. ‘She’ll listen to me. You have to let me speak to her.’
‘There’s one person up there and that’s how it’s going to stay. He’s trained in such matters.’
‘You just let those other two up.’
He passed me a blank stare.
‘Please,’ I persisted. ‘This is important. She warned me she felt suicidal.’
He scanned me up and down whilst holding me in his uncompassionate stare. ‘You didn’t do a good job stopping her, then, did you?’
Tears misted my eyes.
‘Couldn’t you talk her out of it or tell someone?’
‘I did, I …’ My voice drifted, my explanation lost. How could I tell him of the reason I’d ignored her plea? It wouldn’t go in my favour. Quite likely, I’d be escorted from the building.
‘Come on now, love,’ he said. ‘No need to bring out the waterworks. I’m sure you did your best, but it’s my time now. No one else is going up there without my say so.’
My hackles rose. ‘So you’re going to let her jump? Because that’s what she’ll do if you don’t let me pass! She doesn’t believe her life is worth living, and quite frankly, I can’t say I blame her. She thinks everyone is against her—she’s lost everything she has, and now, to top it all, she has terminal cancer. Her decision is about taking control, and that’ll be a first in recent months. So, if you honestly think she’ll listen to someone who she doesn’t know telling her why she should continue living, then think again. All that’ll happen is that she’ll be further convinced that she’s made the right decision.’
He passed me a sympathetic smile before gazing at someone at my rear. When I turned around and saw Sheila approaching, my hope slipped. But I wasn’t going to give in so easily and speaking assertively told them both that Lauren trusted me and had confided in me and that I was the one to talk to her.
‘You’re not in any fit state to be here,’ Sheila said. ‘Go home, Ebony. We’ll deal with this. It’s our job now.’
‘You’re wrong! I’m the only person she will listen. You can’t tell me you’ve not noticed how the other nurses on the ward have been unable to get her to open up. She trusts me. We’ve developed a bond. Plus, I know some of the problems she’s dealing with and I understand why she’s up there. No offence, but I doubt you know how she’s lost everything of value in her life—including her son.’
She hesitated. ‘You speak a convincing argument.’
I tensed. She didn’t think that a few days ago when I told her that I hadn’t administered the incorrect dose of morphine to my patient.
‘I’m still unsure you’re in the correct frame of mind. You’re bound to be in shock … too emotional to deal with this.’
I hated her patronising me and having the audacity to tell me how I felt, and it made me feel as though she wanted to see me fail, an irritation causing my determination to rise. I may have just lost my job, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t able to compartmentalise those emotions and think of someone else. My compassion for others was what had caused me to sign up to be a nurse in the first place. I might have been suspended, but fundamentally, I remained the same person.
‘I can do this,’ I said. ‘I care about Lauren. I won’t let her down.’
‘I don’t know …’
‘I can’t believe you’re wasting time procrastinating. How long has she been up there? Clearly, there has been no solution else she’d be back down here.’ I looked at her and the security guard. ‘You’re both wasting precious time!’
‘It’s your decision,’ he said, glancing at Sheila.
She held a thoughtful pose.
‘At least go up there and see if anyone is making progress. If they’re not, let me try. I can’t do a worse job, can I? And she might even be glad to see me.’
Sheila glanced at the security guard then progressed through the door and up the steps. I was desperate to follow her, and before the door swung shut, strained my ears to listen for sounds. Yet I heard nothing and paced the hallway waiting to learn of the decision.
The more time that passed, the more my doubts emerged. As they did so, I recalled the moment I learned of my suspension and a heavy weight filled my gut. I tried to push it away and focus on Lauren and her troubles, but my mind was in turmoil and the heartache and pain within me intensifying. I told myself to cast it aside and stop considering the empty days that were ahead of me, but it wouldn’t shift. My career was potentially over. What was there left for me and what was I doing here? I should be at home; I should be anywhere but where I was.
I was seriously considering fleeing when the door opened and the man I’d been following instructed me to go up to the roof. Suddenly, I was in professional mode again and listened to his account of what had happened before progressing up the stairs.
Sheila and a couple of others were standing at the top. Passing them by, I noticed doubt within Sheila’s expression, but I didn’t focus for long enough for it to affect me. Instead, I searched for Lauren, who I saw at the far side of the roof perched on a railing with her legs on the side with the drop. I halted my steps.
The man I’d spoken to warned me to approach cautiously and not to make any sudden moves that may alarm her, and so I waited, hoping to catch her attention. It didn’t take her long for her to see me. I didn’t receive a rapturous welcome; rather, she gazed blankly and turned her attention back to the view.
‘Do you mind if I join you?’ I asked.
I gave her a few seconds to respond, after which I walked slowly towards her and joined her at the railing. I didn’t look her in the eye in case she considered it intimidating; rather, I gazed at the view of the city and studied the different designs of the buildings, the traffic, and a small park a short distance away.
‘It’s a lovely view,’ I said, trying to sound relaxed and cheerful. ‘There’s a lot to take in.’
She did not respond.
Whilst I wanted to ease slowly into our conversation, it was difficult to do that when out of my eye corner I could see Lauren sitting in a ridiculously precarious position. Gazing down the drop made me feel anxious and queasy, and I was in a position of safety. In my opinion, to be where she was, she had to be of unsound mind. One sudden movement or a momentary loss of concentration and she would fall to her death.
Lauren was the first to break the silence. ‘I don’t know why you’ve bothered coming up here.’
‘I thought we were mates. I don’t know how you feel, but I could do with a mate right now.’
She passed me a puzzled stare.
‘I’ve had a crappy day. But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to seek solace with you.’
She did not reply.
‘Life throws all sorts at us and no one escapes it. You just have to deal with it the best you can.’
‘Easy to say.’
‘I agree. But we don’t have much of a choice, though, do we? Like you, I’m angry with the world right now, but you know what?’ I paused and studied her expression.
‘They’re not going to beat me. I’m going to make them listen and have the last word.’ I paused, hoping for a response. ‘I reckon you should do the same.’
She cast a blank stare.
‘I like you. You seem a compassionate person with a lot of love to give, but unfortunately, it can make you a target. Some people like to make those with a big heart suffer. What they don’t realise is that we’ll punish ourselves far more than what others can do.’
‘You might be right.’
‘I’m happy to listen if you want to talk.’
‘What’s the point? My life is over anyway.’
‘Only if you want it to be. Having cancer as you do, is a horrendous thing to happen, there’s no denying that. But I suspect it’s the other things in your life that are hurting you the most.’
She passed me an anxious stare.
‘As I said, I’m happy to talk. But I’d prefer it to be elsewhere.’
She did not reply, so I let it rest. I didn’t want to get into a discussion about the problems in her personal life whilst she was perched on a narrow piece of metal. If she became upset and forgot where she was it would be disastrous. I had to remain focused on my aim of getting her off the railing.
‘Can I take you back to the ward?’ I asked.
‘I’m not going back.’
I wondered if that meant she had been notified of her discharge or if she still intended to fall to her death. I hoped it was the former, but there was no way to tell. She was impossible to read and gazed into the view, giving away nothing.
I was considering what else to say to reason with her when Sheila and her companion caught my attention. They wanted me to go to them for a chat, but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving Lauren and shook my head, and without giving them any time to convince me further turned away.
‘Go to them,’ Lauren said. ‘No one’s making you stay with a loser like me.’
‘Firstly, you’re not a loser and secondly, we’re in this together now, like it or not! I’m going nowhere!’
Tears misted her eyes and her head slumped. Then she released her hand from the railing to wipe the dampness from her cheeks and as she did so, she wobbled causing my adrenaline to surge and my hand to reach out to grab her. Thankfully, she regained her stability, and whilst she didn’t look directly at me, she seemed unfazed. Either she was seriously troubled or good at acting.
During the next few moments, my heartbeat normalised and some of my tension dispersed. Yet my nervousness and anxiety never remained far from my mind, not with the drop in front of us and Lauren perched on the edge. Privately, I willed her to see sense.
‘Please go,’ Lauren whimpered. ‘I want to be alone.’
‘If I go, someone else will take my place. No one wants to see you here. We want you to be somewhere safe.’
‘No one cares, not really. They just don’t want to see someone jump on their watch.’
I frowned. Unfortunately, I believed she had a point.
‘It’s the same for you too. Can you honestly tell me if I do as you say I’ll ever see you again?’
‘Then we’ll make a pact. We’ll be friends. I’ll come to your home as often as you need me to. We can hang out, talk, whatever.’
‘You lie!’ She shook her head. ‘You’re all the same. You’re in it for yourself and protecting yourself from the guilt.’
‘Or perhaps I like you.’
‘You don’t know me! How can you like me?’
‘Then let me find out. Despite what you might think, you still have a life ahead of you. It might not be quite what you wanted, but surely you have the time to do some things that would please you.’
She regarded me with bewilderment and confusion.
‘There must be one thing that would make you happy.’
‘You haven’t been listening to me at all, clearly. There’s not one thing that I have left to live for. Not one.’
Dared I mention her son? I wasn’t sure if it was a risk worth taking. On the other hand, if there was anyone who could give her a reason to live, I suspected he was the one. I might not know the first thing about their relationship, but a mother-child relationship was special, and I suspected theirs was no different, especially since I had seen her secretly looking at a photo of him on multiple occasions.
‘How about you challenge me to find you a reason? But I’ll need time and your cooperation. Let’s say twenty-four hours.’
Lauren tensed. ‘I won’t be bullied! Just leave me alone, will you?’ Her face reddened. ‘I said go!’
Her sudden outburst caused Sheila and her companion to dash from their viewing area and hurry towards us. I was unsure how to react, and held my position and glanced between them.
Lauren saw them striding towards us and shouted for them to stay away. ‘Else I’ll jump,’ she yelled. ‘Don’t test me!’
They stayed where they were and tried to coax her down. But she was not going to be swayed and it caused a sickly feeling to gather in my throat. I had a horrid sense that Lauren’s patience was running out. All it would take on her part was to make an unwise split-second decision and it would be over. I doubted there would be any backup, such as the fire brigade and a mattress down below. As far as I was aware, such things only happened in the movies.
Once Lauren calmed down, Sheila and her companion guided me to one side and asked me for my opinion. I still believed I was the person best positioned to help her and told them as such. Their expressions told me that they didn’t believe me, but I didn’t care and told them I had a fresh idea and strode back to Lauren at the railing.
‘Are you still here?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, sorry. I’m going to be your very own parasite from now on. Like it or not.’
She passed me a blank look.
‘Right,’ I said and breathed deeply. ‘I have two things to say to you. Firstly, I was suspended from my job before I came up here, so I know what’s it’s like to be treated unfairly.’
She shot me a surprised glance.
‘I’m not saying it out of sympathy but so you know I’m going to have an awful lot of time on my hands. I’m willing to spend some of it with you if you’ll let me. That way, we can help each other.’ I paused and studied the slight glint forming in her eyes. ‘Bad things happen to us all, Lauren. You’re no exception.’
‘What’s the second thing?’
‘Promise me you’ll stay calm.’
Her nod was cautious.
I took a breath. ‘I believe all this is about your son.’
Her face scrunched and her eyes moistened.
‘Is the situation rectifiable?’
She shook her head.
‘Okay.’ I glanced at Sheila and her companion hovering a short distance at our rear. ‘I can accept it might look that way, but in my humble opinion, there’s always hope. Perhaps we can—’
She cut me off. ‘There’s not, okay? I grassed on him to the police for owning illegal drugs. My own son! And he …’ She gulped a mouthful of air. ‘He was innocent all along … they weren’t his! I ruined him. He went to prison and everything!’
‘Perhaps I could talk to him. He might listen to me.’
‘No! I don’t deserve his forgiveness. Not ever!’
‘That’s not true. You made a mistake. Everyone—’
Screaming out her annoyance, she released one hand from the railing to gesticulate at me and shifted positions. As she moved, her bottom slipped and she started to drop. But she managed to cling on by some miracle, and moments later, and with the aid of the others, we pulled her back onto the roof.
It was a monumental relief. I had invested a huge amount of emotional energy into the last half an hour or so, and collapsed on the floor by her side, held her in my arms, and wept.
Chapter 3
It took a while for me to get my emotions under control and stop crying, at which point I noticed Lauren’s puzzled stare. Embarrassed, I apologised for my outburst and wiped the dampness from my chee
ks.
‘This is not about me, is it?’ Lauren said.
Ashamed, I cast a troubled stare.
‘I thought you were kidding when you said you’d been suspended. But you weren’t, were you?’
‘Everything I said was the truth.’
‘So what happened?’
I glanced around the roof area and noticed we were alone. Presumably, the others had progressed onto the top floor to give us some privacy and discuss what to do with Lauren. I didn’t know what the procedure was for such situations. Perhaps, they would admit her to the mental health unit. There was no way to tell.
I turned to my companion. ‘They’ve accused me of something I didn’t do. Someone died—an elderly woman in ward four. I …’ I paused, the thought of what I was about to say temporarily choking me of words. ‘I don’t know what happened. What I do know is that I am innocent and followed the procedure to the letter.’
She nodded thoughtfully.
‘There were a couple of other incidents too. They said I’d been drinking and smelled of alcohol.’ I gazed misty-eyed across the rooftops. ‘I hadn’t. On one occasion, I’d had one glass of wine the night before, and the other I’d had nothing. The only drinks I’d had all day were from the cafe on our floor.’
‘I hope you told them that.’
I nodded. ‘Admittedly, I felt a bit out of it, but I assumed I was off colour. Anyway, they tested me, and lo and behold, they were right.’ I glimpsed at Lauren. ‘I couldn’t believe it. Either I’m going crazy or … or … I don’t know what to think. I can’t work it out.’
She did not respond and held a cold stare. I didn’t sense much sympathy coming from her, which irritated me given all the emotional energy I had given her over the last hour. Then, I reminded myself of the situation she was in and compared it to mine and decided I expected too much. Nevertheless, I couldn’t find it within myself to move the conversation on and remained withdrawn and hopeful.