by Ann Grech
She wasn’t squeezing my hand. She wasn’t moving. She wasn’t shushing my cries or pinching my nipple, trying to get a rise out of me. There were no snarky comments. There was just nothing.
“Anna,” I cried. “We need you. I don’t know how to do this. I’m not strong like you. Why can’t you come back? Why’d you have to leave?” I dashed the tears away with the heel of my free hand, then rested my forehead on our joined hands. “You had a baby girl. I haven’t met her yet, but I will soon. I can’t wait, but God, I wish you were here. I’d do anything, fucking anything, to have you back.” My tears were falling hard, my voice choked up. And yet she still didn’t move. She never would again.
In that moment, a piece of me broke, never to be whole again. Life wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It wasn’t supposed to punish an innocent baby. It wasn’t supposed to punish my beautiful sister.
“I’ll look after Gracie for you, Anna. Raise her right, just like you would’ve wanted. I’ll be a better man for her. I’ll protect her. I’ll never let anything bad happen to her. I promise.”
Time was passing too fast and yet too slow at the same time. I knew in my heart that every second with Annalise was one I couldn’t get back with Grace, and she needed me now more than anyone. Gracie was my life now, which meant I needed to say goodbye.
Through the tears falling, I looked upon my sister one last time. My beloved, beautiful baby sister. I ran my fingers through her hair and took in a shuddering breath. “I love you, Anna, but I need to go now. Watch over us, yeah? Guide me. Hell, I dunno, give me something to let me know I’m not completely fucking things up.” I kissed her forehead and squeezed my eyes closed, willing the tears to stop for just one second. “Bye, Anna.”
If I thought walking in was hard, walking away broke me. With every step, my soul was wrenched out and stomped on. I was ravaged by the storm by the time I reached the door, and going through it crushed me. The doctor was waiting outside the room for me but gave me space. I leaned back against the wall and breathed deep, trying to pull myself together again. I was coming apart at the seams, unraveling, but I was desperate to hold it together.
My voice sounded hollow, just as broken as me. “Dad wasn’t coping. He… there’s something wrong with him. He hasn’t been the same since Mom died. Now Anna. I dunno if he’s gonna be strong enough.”
“I can put him in touch with someone to talk to. There are techniques that help. You should go too, Caden. Counseling will help you process everything.”
I nodded. At that point, I’d take whatever help I could get.
“Can I meet Gracie now? I need to explain. I know it sounds stupid, but Anna would want that. She’d want Gracie to know how much her mom loved her.”
I sucked in a breath, trying to stop myself from crying, but I couldn’t. I was trying to be happy, to be excited that I would meet my little niece soon, but everything was raw, utterly overwhelming. It was like a hurricane had ripped through me, swallowing me up and spitting me out, leaving me mangled and broken in its wake.
“It doesn’t sound stupid, Caden. Not at all.” The doctor moved over to me, resting a hand on my arm. “Come with me to the nursery.”
Chapter Four
Caden
The landscape of the hallways changed as we walked, going from clinical to brightly dressed with happy colors and artwork along the walls. Laughter echoed from rooms, and I received smiles from every person I passed. It should’ve been us. We should’ve been happy, Anna lying in bed cuddling Gracie with a smile on her face a mile wide. Instead, my insides were shredded, a bloodied mess.
The doctor stopped in front of a glass wall looking into a small room with murals of rolling fields and farm animals, bright sunshine and fluffy clouds adorning the walls. It was dimly lit, and a nurse walked between the four miniature cots on wheels, checking on the swaddled babies. Each one had a surname at the foot of the cot. I held my breath when I took a step closer, pausing at the glass. Another man was there, watching his baby. The doctor spoke in a hushed tone. “I’ll go get her so you can meet her.”
The other man turned to me and saw the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Missed the birth or overwhelmed? It’s a pretty big moment.”
I shook my head but didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to bare my soul to this stranger.
“Which baby is yours?” he prodded, ignoring my discomfort.
“Gracie,” I whispered. “Grace Lambert.” I pointed to the cot where the doctor was now standing and heard a choked gasp come from the man next to me.
“Oh, um… yeah,” he mumbled, taking a step back. I was instantly on edge, but I had no idea why.
“Who were you watching?” I asked, trying to figure out what it was about him that had alarm bells ringing.
“Um.” He hesitated and his shoulders dropped. “You’re Caden, aren’t you?” It wasn’t a question. He knew me, but I had no idea who he was. “Annalise spoke of you often. I’m the baby’s father. Anna messaged me yesterday to tell me that she was coming in. I felt like I had to visit, you know?”
“No, I don’t.” I bristled. “Why now? When you’ve given up your rights? Don’t think you’re gonna change your mind.”
“I’m not. I just… I suppose I wanted to come by and wish Anna well.” He pointed to the nurse’s station that I’d walked past but hadn’t noticed and continued, “The nurses wouldn’t tell me where she is. Figured she’s in recovery or something, so I thought I’d check out what the baby looked like.”
I didn’t even know what to feel. My gut told me to beat the shit out of him, to make him hurt as much as I was, but then the doctor walked out, Gracie in her arms. I turned to the tiny baby, but he snagged my attention again, tapping me on the arm with an envelope. “Here, maybe you could give her this. My wife always likes it when I buy her this stuff.”
The doctor stepped back, putting some space between Grace and me when I stiffened. “Your wife?” I spat out. “You cheated on your wife with Annalise?”
“No.” He shook his head. “We were taking a break. Anna’s fun and hot, but we just hooked up. It didn’t mean anything.” He winced when he saw the thunderous look on my face, but the idiot just kept on talking. “My wife had already asked me to come home when I found out Anna was knocked up. I couldn’t have another kid. It would’ve ended my marriage.”
It took everything in me not to beat the bastard to a pulp. I knew my emotions were running close to the surface—I didn’t have the energy to filter them—but like an idiot, the dude kept his back ramrod straight and his hand extended.
I took the embossed envelope made of heavy cardstock and, out of morbid curiosity, asked through gritted teeth, “What’s in it?”
“Voucher for some lingerie.”
I clenched my jaw shut so tight I was sure I’d crack a molar. This guy was a piece of work. He was giving his baby mama a lingerie voucher hours after she’d given birth to a baby he wanted nothing to do with. Talk about disrespecting her. He was a piece of shit, completely unworthy of my sister. Thinking about him taking advantage of her, using her as a way to blow off steam when he was single and could fuck around, made me want to kill him. But my niece didn’t deserve that. I wouldn’t let the first thing she saw be me getting hauled off in cuffs for beating the ever-loving shit out of her sperm donor.
I stepped up to him until we were chest to chest. He was a few inches taller than me—I barely came up to his chin—but I was pissed enough that he flinched when I growled, “I don’t want to see you near her ever again. Not here, not at the house. Never. Again. You hear me?”
“You can’t keep me from Anna. If I want to see her, I’ll damn well see her.”
“Only if I fucking kill you, you bastard.”
“That’s enough, gentlemen,” a guy in military uniform interrupted. “Sir, if you’ll step this way.” He faced the dick I was talking to and pointed down the corridor.
They began walking and I turned away. It was on the tip of my
tongue to tell him what happened, but something held me back. What if he tried to take Gracie from me? I couldn’t risk it.
When I turned to the baby girl in the doctor’s arms, the rest of the world fell away and mine tilted on its axis. She was perfect. A tiny bundle of perfection. I’d never seen a creature as beautiful or precious as her. Her lips were pouty, her button nose pink-tipped. Her long dark eyelashes, just like her mother’s, fanned over her cheeks as she slept. Her dusting of hair was the same dark brown as my sister’s too. Her tiny hands were curled into tight little fists near her chin, the only parts of her I could see with the sheet tightly wrapped around her.
The doctor held her out to me and I took her gratefully, cradling her head and snuggling her against my body. I took a slow breath in and began crying for a totally different reason. Pure and unfettered joy filled me. Love like I’d never experienced before pulsed through me. In that moment, I gave my heart and soul to her. This baby girl, my niece and now my daughter-to-be, had from that second onward become my life.
“Hi, baby girl. Your name is Gracie. Your mama named you after our nan. Welcome to the world, sweetheart.” Her eyelids fluttered, and I cupped her tiny head, running my thumb over her forehead. “I love you, Gracie. More than anything on this earth. Your mama did too. She didn’t want to leave, but she didn’t have a choice.” I brushed the tears off my cheeks with my shoulder, trying not to disturb Grace too much. “God, I miss her so much already, but you remind me of her. You’re gonna be beautiful and strong and smart just like her.”
Gracie blinked open her eyes and yawned before letting out a tiny cry that was more like the bleat of a lamb than the wail of a baby. My breath caught as I looked in her eyes, and I let out a sob. “I’m such a mess, but I promise I’ll get better. I’ll be the best I can for you. Whatever it takes, I promise you. But you gotta help me, yeah? We’re a team. It’s us against the world.” I reached for her balled-up fist, and she curled her fingers around my pinkie, squeezing tight.
Her cries intensified, and I figured I needed to do something, although I had no idea what.
The doctor, who’d been standing off to one side checking paperwork, rested a hand on my arm. “Would you like the nurses to show you how to change and feed her?”
“Yes, please.” I nodded, unable to look away from my baby girl. “Do you think the lawyer will be able to help me adopt her?”
“He will.” The warmth in her voice had me looking up. “You’ll make a great dad, Caden. Gracie’s lucky to have you.”
I spent the next half hour going through changing and feeding and burping Gracie before Dad stuck his head in the room.
“Dad,” I greeted him, unable to help the excitement in my voice. “She’s so beautiful. You have to see her.” I smiled at him and stood up, Gracie in my arms.
“I can’t,” he murmured quietly. “I… I have to go.”
I halted my steps and took a moment to think over what he’d just said. Confusion filled me. “What? What do you mean you have to go?” Where the hell was more important than right there? Anna and Gracie were our only priorities.
“I need to get out of here, Caden. I can’t breathe. I can’t stay.”
“Dad, we need to stick together. I need you. Gracie needs you. I can’t do this alone. We both need to grieve, I get it, but please don’t leave me alone,” I begged, gently placing Gracie in her cot.
“No.” He shook his head, backing out toward the door. “I have to go.”
“No you don’t.” I was being harsh with him, but I couldn’t let him check out on me. I caught his arm as he stepped out of the room and held him there. “I know what you’re going through. Remember, I just lost my sister too, and Mom a few months ago. I know they were the loves of your life. They were mine too. But that baby in there? She needs us to be strong for her. We’re everything to her now, and she deserves the best of us.”
He looked at me sadly and shook my arm off. “I’ll see you tonight when you get home, Caden. I can’t stay.”
“I won’t be coming home until Gracie’s ready to come with me. Please don’t do anything stupid, Dad.” My emotions were riding the surface again, my voice hitching. “I can’t bury you too.”
“I won’t. I just need to be out on the water for a while.” He stepped back and the desolation in his eyes was palpable. “You’ll be a good father.”
“Don’t you dare speak to me like you’re not coming back, Dad.” I lurched forward and grabbed his shirt, hauling him to me. He was frail in my arms, like he’d turned into an old man in the blink of an eye. It was no wonder why. “I love you.”
He held me tight, squeezing just as hard as I was hugging him. His tears fell then, soaking my shirt while I somehow managed to hold it together. All I could think about was Gracie. How much she needed me, how she deserved a wonderful life. My sister should’ve been there to give it to her, but I was privileged to stand in her place.
“I love you too, son.”
Mason
July
There was no answer to my calls. For three weeks I’d been trying to reach Caden, but he didn’t pick up. There were no return messages, nothing. I didn’t have much experience with newborns, so I might’ve been totally off base, but surely he’d have a free moment when his sister was feeding the baby or when it was sleeping. Hell, I was still calling the baby an “it.” I didn’t even know whether Annalise had had a girl or boy.
“Still no answer?” Ricky asked me as I palmed my cell, my shoulders slumping after I ended the call. His message bank was probably full—I’d loaded it up, begging him to call me, or anyone if he decided he didn’t want to talk. I was worried. It was unlike him to go for so long without answering. Even when we weren’t speaking, he responded to my messages quicker than he was doing now.
“No.” I shook my head. “Shouldn’t he have called? He said we had a lot to talk about. I didn’t think he was gonna cut me off.” I hated the neediness in my voice, but I was too old to deny how much I wanted him in my life. I wanted more than friendship too. I had no idea if anything would ever come of my attraction, but even if it didn’t, I couldn’t lose that. He meant too much to me for me to just let him go.
Ricky surprised me, stepping closer until he could reach up and cup my face. I tried not to act surprised, basking in the warmth of the other man’s palm against my skin. I didn’t want him to let go; I wanted him just as much as Caden. I didn’t even think it was possible. Being attracted to two people at a time was the kind of stuff that only happened in porn, but there was something there. A spark. Want. Need.
Ricky had been showing me more of himself of late, letting me know that he enjoyed both men and women. He treated me differently to his friends, touching me on my hip or placing his big hand at the small of my back when we were together. He didn’t do the back-slapping hug and double-cheeked kiss he gave to Reef and Ford with me either. Instead, he held me a little longer, a little tighter, before letting me go and giving me the odd smile that looked almost shy.
His touches, though few and far between, had bolstered my confidence, but it also had my mind running wild with fantasies I was almost desperate to act out. The idea that he could pin me against whatever surface he wanted and get me to submit—even though I knew he’d never take what wasn’t freely given—was such a turn-on that it had my dick leaking whenever I thought about it. Add in thoughts of what Caden would be doing with us, and I usually shot my load so damn fast it was embarrassing.
But it wasn’t just the possibility of sex with them—I wanted so much more. I had these daydreams of us in ten years toasting marshmallows on the fire in the iron pit Ricky had on his back deck, and it was heaven. The idea that I could find that kind of happiness had been a pipe dream for so many years I couldn’t count. I could’ve quit traveling around and settled down anytime, but I hadn’t found anyone I wanted to have that sort of future with. And now I couldn’t think of anything else, anyone else I wanted.
I wasn’t sure why I
was comfortable with the idea of being attracted to men. In my forty-one years on this planet, I hadn’t even looked at a man that way before, never mind two, but I couldn’t deny that my attraction to both Ricky and Caden existed. I didn’t want to deny it. I hadn’t quite figured out whether I was sexually fluid and the change was normal, albeit a late one for me, or I’d discovered I was actually bisexual, pansexual, in denial, or just completely blind for most of my life up to that point. Whichever way I labeled myself, it honestly didn’t worry me so much. It was kind of a revelation, actually, like I’d been in the shadows all that time and I’d just walked out into bright sunlight.
Except now I was wondering where that revelation would leave me if Caden wouldn’t even return my calls. I had no idea how to move things forward with either of them. Even though Ricky was becoming more affectionate, he’d back off after every touch. It was one step forward and two steps back with us. I feared it was going to be even worse with Caden. He’d let slip one night in the quiet of the hotel room we were sharing that he was gay. I don’t know if he remembered it afterward—he was so sleep-deprived that he was almost delirious. It was only when I pulled him into my arms that he relaxed enough to catch a few Z’s. Since then, since holding him and having him go lax in my arms, his body vulnerable in sleep, I’d wanted more. Now I didn’t even know where I stood.
That uncertainty was my fault though. I’d reported him to the World Anti-Doping Agency. I’d been the one to start the ball rolling that ended his career. Or perhaps more accurately, the career after his time on the snowboarding pro circuit ended. He’d planned on retiring anyway, but he had media gigs lined up and sponsorships that would’ve continued for years afterward. Then he tested positive for THC, and that was the end of that.
He found out in the worst way possible too—overhearing me telling our friends. I’d planned on talking to him, but I was scared to death of losing him. That fear had stopped me from being honest with him. It was selfish, absolutely a dick move on my part.