by Ann Grech
Whimpers sounded from Mace as he writhed on my finger. I hadn’t realized I’d stopped moving, stopped licking him. I added a second finger and pumped in and out, zeroing in on the bundle of nerves buried in him. He had no chance between our combined efforts, his body locking tight on a silent scream as his orgasm charged through him.
He collapsed onto the bed at a ninety-degree angle to us, his leg still sprawled across Rick’s chest. I fell the other way and cuddled into Rick’s side while Mace recovered.
When his breathing had slowed, he threw his arm across his face. “I dunno what that was, but you can do it to me any day.”
“Prostate orgasm,” I mumbled, sleep beckoning me as my eyelids grew heavy.
“I’m wrecked,” Rick groaned. “Think we can nap for a bit?”
I didn’t bother answering him, just laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Mace jostled us a little when he shifted, and I smiled when he grasped the hand I had rested on Rick’s chest, intertwining our fingers. I drifted quickly, filled with hope for what the future would hold for Gracie and me.
Chapter Eleven
Caden
Gracie’s cry startled me, especially since it came from outside.
Shit.
I scrambled up, falling over my own feet as I tore out of the room, cursing the closed door in the way. Charging through the house, my heart beating furiously, I stopped short when I saw Dad outside with her, picking her up out of her stroller. With a sad smile on his face, he bent and kissed her little head and popped the cap off the bottle one-handed. Her little lungs worked well, and by the time he’d gotten himself comfortable on the park bench under the big orange tree in the yard, she was screaming the neighborhood down. I saw, rather than heard, his lips moving as he talked to her, and I closed my eyes, sending up a thank-you to Mom and Anna for finally making him see. We had a long way to go, but I knew if we stuck together—all five of us—we’d be okay.
“He looks happy holding her, doesn’t he?” Rick said from my side, making me jump. He reached out, brushing his fingers against my hand, and I leaned into the contact, swooning at the warmth that spread through me from his touch. “I’m so glad you went to him.”
“So am I.” I nodded. “Never in a million years did I think he’d volunteer to leave the States.”
Mace sidled up between us, wrapping his big arms around each of our shoulders. “He’s doing it for you and Gracie. I respect that.”
As if he knew we were speaking about him, Dad looked up and called out, “If you boys are awake and decent, I’ve got some thoughts on how we go forward.”
“Okay, Dad. Give us a minute. We’ll come out.” Looking down at Mace and Rick, I saw they both were as naked as me. Grinning, I motioned to the bedroom. Once we were dressed and sitting around the tree with Dad and Gracie, Dad began explaining.
“My engineering background means I qualify for a visa. My skills are in high demand, so I shouldn’t have a problem getting over. Mason, I don’t know much about your background, but I’m assuming as a former coach, we should be able to get you a visa.”
When he paused, Mace nodded. “I spoke to an immigration lawyer while I was on vacation. She’s got the paperwork ready, so as soon as I give her the go-ahead, she’ll get it submitted.”
“Great.” Dad paused again and turned away. I knew that move. He wanted to say something but was nervous about doing it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but Dad persisted, blurting out, “Son, as far as I can see, you’re the only issue. Your best chance is to have a shotgun wedding with one of these two and go over as their spouse.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again, speechless as I looked to Rick for help. Surely he understood that I’d want to get over there on my own merit. Or maybe not. Knowing my overprotective… boyfriend? Partner? Lover? Whatever he was, he’d want me there as quickly as possible.
Rick smirked and I laughed nervously. “He could come over on a holiday visa, spend a few more months at home with Gracie like he wanted to. Then when he’s ready to work, he could apply for a job and swap over to a work visa. It’s exactly what I did when I moved over there,” Rick explained. “And given Mace will be home too, you won’t have to wait for a childcare place to become available for Gracie once you do get the visa and start your job.”
“Yeah, let’s do that.” I nodded a little too vigorously, making the others grin and Mace wrap a protective arm around me.
“Baby, you know you’ll wear our ring one day, don’t you?”
“Gimme a little longer than twenty-four hours after our first kiss to do that though, okay, Rick?”
Dad’s chuckle had us all laughing.
Sobering, Rick asked, “When are you thinking you’ll try to come out?” He pulled at a blade of grass on the lawn, tearing it up. “Will you have to wait until Gracie’s adoption is final?”
“We do, but it’s a straightforward application. Anna’s will was clear, and she had all the paperwork from that dickhead sperm donor relinquishing parental rights signed well before Gracie was born. The lawyer was confident that it’ll be turned around in a few weeks rather than months. Then it’s a matter of getting an updated birth certificate and passport.” I counted it out in my head. “I’d give it three months, maybe.”
He breathed out in a gush, his shoulders sagging. “Oh.”
“Mace is gonna come earlier than that,” I volunteered, and Rick’s lips rose in a half smile.
He reached out and took my hand, squeezing my knuckles. “I have to go back next week. The other pilots can’t cover me for that long, especially not during winter. It’s our busiest season.” He sent a small smile my way. “I’ll come back if I can—”
I cut off his words with a kiss, soft and slow, all-consuming. “You’ve done more than enough,” I whispered against his lips. “We’ll be okay. We’ll come home to you as soon as we can.”
“Home to me. I like that.” He pulled back and cupped my face before kissing me softly, a slow peck that had me sighing. “I can’t wait.”
When we pulled apart, I saw Dad looking at us fondly and my face heated, I knew I’d be blushing like a freaking teenager. Who did that? I shook my head at myself. I was a grown man, apparently one who blushed. Even as a teenager I hadn’t been embarrassed taking a boy home. My folks were cool, hadn’t batted an eyelid when I came out. I’d planned it meticulously, writing out and memorizing a speech. Then when I had Mom, Dad, and Anna seated at the table eating breakfast, my palms got all sweaty and my heart started beating so fast I thought I was going to keel over.
But I’d worked myself up into a nervous wreck for nothing. When I blurted out that I was gay, Mom smiled, nodded, and asked me to pass the salt. Dad snatched two pieces of toast and took a massive bite of one, giving me a thumbs-up as he did, and Anna shrugged before reminding me it was my turn to do breakfast dishes.
But somehow introducing Mace and Rick to Dad felt a whole lot more significant than even my coming out did.
I watched Dad cleaning up the kitchen after a delicious pasta dish Rick and Mace had made, Mace wiping the little table down that we’d eaten on as Rick relaxed on the sofa next to me with a beer in his hand. Happiness swirled inside me. I didn’t think I’d ever appreciate domesticity as much as I did at that moment. The people around me, my family, made my life wonderful. They’d lifted the burden and shared it, supporting me and loving me for no reason other than being me.
I realized that the people I’d surrounded myself with when I was on tour—who I thought were my friends—weren’t even close to that. They were in it for how I could benefit them. These men before me, they wanted to give, not take. And my little girl with her precious eyes on me was adoring.
The whole afternoon had been blissfully domestic. I had no idea how much I wanted it until I’d experienced it firsthand. Even when we were on vacations it hadn’t been like this—perhaps because the three of us were still hiding in one way or another. Now that the cards were on the table and
we all knew exactly what we wanted, we wouldn’t settle for anything less.
But before we could move on, there was something I needed to do.
“Rick, you think you and Mace could move Gracie’s cot into our bedroom for me? I wanna put her down in there after this feed.”
He looked a little skeptical, one eyebrow hiking up a little higher than the other for a moment, but he nodded nevertheless and began to stand. “Sure. I’ll go do it now.”
I grasped his wrist as he was stepping past me. “Not for the whole night, just a few hours. I need to get into Anna’s room.”
Leaning down to kiss me, he responded, “Anything for you,” and I couldn’t help my dreamy smile in return. I was so gone for him. For both of them.
Mace sat on the armrest of the sofa, massaging my shoulders with strong fingers. “Everything okay?” I leaned into his touch, sighing and smiling up at him just as Gracie finished the last of her formula. Burping her after she’d fed was a process, and it took a hell of a lot longer than I’d ever imagined, but since she’d had the first doses of medicine, she was a totally different baby. It killed me now knowing she was in pain and I hadn’t done anything about it, thinking it was just a difficult stage she was going through. My instincts were off then, but now that I knew what happy Gracie was like, it wouldn’t happen again.
Rick came back a moment later and began rubbing the bigger man’s shoulders. I set Gracie on her play mat and watched my men press their lips together in a soft kiss. “I think I’m ready to look through some of Anna’s things,” I told them. “I was hoping you could help me do it, maybe just sit with me while I box it up for Goodwill or whatever. You too, Dad, if you’re up to it,” I finished, turning to him.
He hesitated. “I don’t know, Caden. Today’s been good, but….” He closed his eyes and looked up, gritting his teeth. I could see the internal fight he was waging, but he was being too hard on himself. It was insensitive of me to have asked, but I didn’t want to exclude Dad either. He needed this as much as me—he was still mourning too. I also wanted him to get past his grief so he could function again. One of the things we’d done that afternoon was book an appointment with the Army’s grief counselor. We had regular sessions locked in starting the next day; hopefully we’d be able to continue with them once we moved.
“Dad, I thought we could maybe do her shoes. If either of us feel like doing more, we can, but that’s all I was going to start with.”
Relief crossed his features and he smiled tentatively at me before giving me a single nod. I schooled my features and nodded back, but inside I was bouncing around, dancing with joy and nerves all at the same time. Dad had come forward in leaps and bounds in the space of an afternoon. It’d been such a shock to see him so present that I was a little paranoid he was going to crash again. He’d zoned out a couple of times but snapped back quickly, rejoining the conversation after a moment.
We did our new routine with Gracie before I put her in her crib, each of us kissing her forehead and whispering good-night messages meant just for her ears. I always told her how much I loved her. She was the light of my life, appearing during my darkest hour. I’d cherish her every day.
Stepping into Anna’s room without Gracie’s cot was uncomfortable. It was like I was intruding in my sister’s space, especially because I was going in there to go through her stuff. Mace’s hand on my shoulder encouraged me to go forward, but Dad opening the door to the built-in closet had me stopping in my tracks. Every item in there screamed Anna, from her engineering boots to the purple satin robe with feathers around the wrists. I sucked in a breath, knowing it was going to be harder than I’d ever imagined.
I kneeled down, pulled out a few pairs of shoes from the floor of her perfectly organized closet and handed them to Dad. I could hear the rustling of the trash bag as they were placed in there ready to be donated, but I couldn’t look. Reality hit me full force, and I took a heaving breath as I fought off tears.
Within an instant, Rick’s arms were around me, pulling me close while I clutched him. “I’ve got you, baby,” he soothed.
“Jesus, even doing this is hard.” I took a breath and pulled away from Rick, but he didn’t let go, holding my hips loosely as I reached for the next pair. It was as if his strength seeped into me, and I managed to get through the rest without turning into a blubbering mess.
The floor of the closet was clear except for the row of shoe boxes she had sitting under the shoes at the back. The third one I lifted out was full, as were the next two. I eyed them speculatively. Did I want to know what was in there? Sooner or later I had to find out, and the warmth of being surrounded by family gave me the guts to open one of them.
It was a box of old CDs, and recognizing the cover of the one on top, I couldn’t help my huff of laughter and watery eyes. It was one she’d given me as a teenager after I’d come out to her.
“Caden, you need to be a good gay man. Mack, from school, told me that all queens know the divas. He said it’s basic factual knowledge, like douching, whatever that is.” She grinned wickedly, snatched the new Foo Fighters CD I’d been holding and dropped the two cases on the counter. “He’s paying for both.”
“She made me buy this. Told me I needed to know my divas after I came out.” I closed the lid, taking it and the two other boxes into the living room where I put the CD into the laptop and hit Play.
With Beyoncé belting it out in the background, I sat down on the sofa and opened the boxes again. Mace and Rick bracketed me, sitting close as I pulled the next CD out. Dad laughed when I handed him the burnt disc with a handwritten label on the case. “Breakup songs for the rat bastard” was the world’s tackiest mixed tape. It was full of “I am Woman” songs mixed with a few power ballads that Anna played religiously throughout most of her teen years. Thing was, she was the one getting bored with the dudes and breaking up with them. She didn’t need cheering up—she was the heartbreaker. It didn’t matter though, because after every breakup she and Mom would crank up the music, eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, and paint their nails. After my sister joined the Army, she continued to do that with Mom, then shot shit to pieces on the firing range.
Every CD told a story, and I shared how we used to dance around and be stupid, how we’d listen to them on repeat while we were playing video games, Anna usually kicking my ass every time. Ironically, the only ones I was better at than her were the shoot-’em-up games.
I loved those times. They were simple, fun. She was my best friend, the only person who knew everything about me. When I’d gone pro, she was the one I’d shared my hopes and dreams for the future with.
God, I missed her so much.
The next box had photos in it from when we were little, me as a toddler and her as a baby, right through to us starting school, and the third box held our school years. Typical Anna—not only put away but organized to within an inch of its life.
Dad picked up one of the photos and fingered it lightly, a sad smile on his face. “This was our first picture together. She was so much like Gracie, a joy.” He blinked back tears and picked up a handful of others, smiling as he looked through them and passed each to us. He stalled when he reached the third photo, his breath catching and tears falling down his face. “Your mom was exhausted, but she still looked beautiful. She was sick when Anna was born, had this terrible cold, and Anna’s birth wasn’t easy. Fifteen hours of excruciating pain. But Pat soldiered on, never once complaining. I’ll never forget that she shocked the shit out of her doctor. He was this kindly old fellow, like Santa except in scrubs, and the old man didn’t have a clue how to respond.” He smiled and shook his head.
“What did she tell him?” Mace asked.
Dad laughed. “She told me that we were done, finished. She threatened to cut my dick off if I even thought about having more kids, never mind suggesting it to her.” He ran his fingers over the photo in his hands. “She wasn’t even strong enough to hold Anna by the time the nurse set her in Pat’s arms. I was
supporting her so that she could cuddle her.”
He passed the photo to me, and Rick’s arms tightened around me when I looked at it. Mom was clearly exhausted, but she radiated this serenity too. In her arms was Anna. Dad was right, Gracie looked so much like her mom, so sweet and perfect.
But out of the three of them in that photo, it was Dad who held my attention. The look of sheer adoration he was giving his two ladies said everything about why he was destroyed now. From the moment I was born, I was his little mate. His buddy. As a kid, I followed him around everywhere. But in his mind, Mom and Annalise were his goddesses, and he doted on them accordingly. He lived for the three of us, worked long days to come home and spend every waking moment living and laughing with us.
It was the first time I’d let myself think about Mom or Anna for any length of time. Remembering them was too painful, too raw. But it was different sitting there on the sofa together. Laughter mixed with mine and Dad’s tears, and by the end of the second box, I was emotionally drained, but better than I had been in months.
“I’m gonna head outside for some air.” I stood and headed to the front door. Letting it click softly closed behind me, I sat on the front steps and looked up to the night sky, stars twinkling overhead. “Love you, Mom, Anna,” I whispered. The cool ocean breeze washed over me as I listened to the crickets and, farther away, the traffic noise from the freeway.
“Want some company?” Mace asked as he and Rick stepped out. When I nodded and shifted into the middle of the step, they sat down on either side of me. Mace pulled me close and kissed my temple. “How are you doing?”
I smiled up at him. “I’m okay. Better now that we’ve started out like this. I’ve got so many great memories of Mom and Anna, but they get pushed aside by the pain of losing them. They were incredible women.”
Our conversation drifted off and we became quiet, each of us caught in our own thoughts. I was filled with a sense of peace.