by T. S. Joyce
“I wanted it to end,” Lynn whispered.
Ben inhaled sharply. “Wanted what to end?”
“Me. I didn’t want to go alone, though. I made Barret come with me so I wouldn’t be alone at the end. He’s broken, too. He could’ve gone with me, and it would’ve been okay. Everything would’ve been okay.”
Eden forced her Change as her heart broke at her friend’s words.
She crawled to her, holding her stomach where she’d been cut in the battle. Tears dripping from her jaw, she gathered Lynn’s head into her lap and cradled her close, rocking. “Don’t say things like that, Lynn. Everything will be okay. You have to stay here with me and keep fighting, though.” Eden swallowed a sob. “I need my friend here with me.”
“Nobody needs me,” Lynn whispered. She closed her eyes and squeezed out two tears, then turned and buried her face against Eden’s leg. “I want it to end. Ben…make it end.”
Ben looked instantly gutted. He shook his head over and over and linked his hands behind his hair, backed up a few steps like he’d been punched. “Lynn—”
“I’m serious,” the frail woman whispered, shoulders shaking.
Jaxon squatted down right next to them and stared at Lynn with ghosts in his eyes.
“This war was her doing,” Anson murmured, his arm around Kaylee. “She put us at risk trying to end it, and we have two cubs to protect in the crew.”
“Anson, I know what’s at stake,” Ben gritted out. “One of those cubs is mine.”
“There’s no improvement,” Anson continued.
“Stop!” Ben said, slashing his hand through the air. “I need a minute. I have to think.”
“She’s asking, man. She’s asking for you to put her down. She’s too far gone. She could’ve gotten us killed tonight, and you think the pride would stop with us? Fuck no. They would’ve gone straight to the cabins and—” Anson swallowed hard and shook his head at the direction of Red Havoc Woods. “I don’t want her put down, but sometimes this has to happen. You know it and I know it.” Anson jerked his chin toward Lynn. “She knows it.”
“How about,” Eden gritted out, “if anyone tries to put her down, I’ll fucking murder you. I dare you to try.” She inhaled and yelled, “I dare you!”
Ben was pacing back to them, his eyes full of heartache. “Eden, I’ve waited for her to get better, but her broken mate bond hurts her. And then her giving away her cub? She has no anchor. Do you understand what I’m saying? For a minute, I hoped it would be you, but it’s not. You came to help her, and she still tried to end it.”
Eden gathered Lynn’s frail body closer. “Jaxon.” She gave him a pissed off glare and dared him to deny her.
Jaxon locked eyes with her and looked like he’d aged ten years in a few minutes.
“Jaxon!” Eden said again. “She’s from home. She was raised right outside of Damon’s Mountains. She’s one of us.”
“She’s part of this crew and under an alpha who can make these decisions.”
“Jax, please,” she begged. “Lynn’s my best friend. She needs more time.”
His eyes rimmed with moisture, and he wiped his cheek on his shoulder fast. And then he stood and put himself between Ben and Lynn. “I’m asking your permission to take her back to the Gray Backs. I’ll have my brother pick her up. Give Creed a chance to rehab her. Last chance for her. If he can’t do it, I won’t stand in the way of her being put down.” He turned and looked down at Eden. “Neither will Eden.”
“Do you know what you’re asking of me?” Ben yelled, hooking his hands on his hips. “Do you? The last troubled shifter I let go was Brody, and he went out in the world and did awful things. Innocent blood is on my hands because I didn’t put him down when I should’ve.”
Lynn curled in on herself and went quiet with her crying. Her eyes went vacant again as she stared off into the woods.
“Please,” Eden begged.
“Vote on it,” Jaxon said low.
Ben snarled up his lip and did an immediate thumbs down. Anson did the same, and so did Greyson. They looked heartbroken about it, but they were voting to end her. Kaylee gave her mate an apologetic look, then put her thumb up. So did Jaxon and Annalise. Lynn lifted her shaking hand in the air and did a thumbs down.
Greyson murmured, “It’s a draw. We can wait to see what Jenny and Barret vote for.”
Ben snarled and paced toward the woods and then back again. “No, we don’t have to. I know how they will both vote. Jax, make the call to Jathan. He needs her in hand by next week. Creed has one month to fix Lynn, and then I’m granting her wish. I have to. It’s my job. I’m alpha, and it’s the worst part about this, but someone has to make the hard decisions.” He spat in the mud, eyes blazing and face twisted in a feral expression. And then the alpha walked away without looking back.
The others followed one at a time until it was just Eden, Jax, and Lynn left.
“Thank you,” Eden murmured.
Jax stood and threw a stick he’d picked up into the woods. “She ain’t saved yet, Eden. You bought your man time tonight. That’s all you did for Lynn. You bought her time. You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved.” He gave her one last fiery look, then strode off behind the rest of his crew.
And then it was just Lynn, a broken panther, and Eden, a broken-hearted falcon determined to fix the ones she loved, whether they wanted fixing or not.
Chapter Eleven
Barret yanked the wrench over and over, desperate to get the bolt to move on the old beater truck, but all he was doing was stripping it. He only came to the shop at nights when he was running away from the memories. When he was desperate to do mindless work on a car.
Tonight had gone so wrong. His entire world had been stripped to nothing…again. He’d bonded. Him. Broken Barret the Barbarian. Murder Kitty. He’d found his match against all odds. He’d found someone who accepted his darkness, but how could he and Eden get past this?
He’d lost her. How could he keep her now? Her people had killed his people, and he’d been hunting. He’d been taking revenge on the falcons who had stolen everything away. The blood of her people was on his hands too. Everything had gotten so messed up. Fuck the Fates who decided to give him a falcon. It was a tease. It was a good life dangled in front of an unsalvageable man, and then ripped away.
Sleep my boy
For I am near…
The sound of wings beating the air overpowered his senses, and he covered his ears. He gripped the wrench as hard as he could as he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. “Leave me alone!”
Fucking ghosts, fucking ghosts…he could feel the spray of warmth across his face.
Hide in here, little cat. If ever there comes a day when you need to run away, hide in here, and I’ll be with you.
“Liar!” Barret covered his face and screamed as long and as loud as he could just to rid himself of Marney’s voice.
It wasn’t working. She was singing again, softly, like she wanted attention. He used to sit on the rug by the fireplace and listen to her play guitar and sing songs she’d made up. She was so good. Good voice. Twitch. Fuck. Twitch. Fuck!
He slid out from under the truck on the creeper, and stood in a rush, desperate to get the memories to stop flooding him. His chest cavity felt like it was full of fire, and panic seized him. “I’m dying!” He chucked the wrench and knocked over a tool box. Metal clanged deafeningly across the floor. Barret gripped his hair and squatted down.
Dying and alone. It was as if he was in the cave, hiding from the falcons all over again.
“Shh,” said a voice. A real one. And then a hand was on his back. He froze and inhaled, scenting the air. Greyson.
With a sigh of anguish, Barret slumped over against his leg. “She’s a falcon, Grey.”
Greyson pulled him tighter against his leg and murmured, “She ain’t like them. She was raised outside of the Crestfalls.”
“And when they come for her? Fuck.” Twitch. “When they come to
kill her and I can’t save her?”
There was another hand. Ben. Gripping his shoulder.
Another. Jaxon, hand on Barret’s head.
Another. Kaylee, sitting beside him.
Another. Annalise, kneeling behind him, palm on his spine.
Another. Jenny. Hand gripping the back of his hair.
Warmth was blanketing him, stretching from their touch, but it wasn’t enough.
Hide in here, and you’ll be safe. Don’t come out until the sky is clear, okay little cat?
“Tell us,” Eden said from the doorway. “Let us hold the memories with you. You’re strong, Barret, the strongest man I’ve ever known, but this is too much for one man to carry alone.”
“You know. You know what happened. You lied to me. You knew what happened to the Four Deadlies, and you hid your animal from me.”
Eden approached slowly, and then she did something that shocked him to his core. Despite the long, rattling rumble of his snarl scratching up his throat, she straddled his lap and hugged him tight, as if she had no survival instincts at all.
“I was so afraid I would lose you because I did know what happened to your crew. None of the details, just the end result. I was afraid you would see my animal and hate me.”
He swallowed hard and hugged her against his chest, clutching her shirt. “When I tell you, you will be the one who leaves. You’ll be the one who hates me.”
She eased back and searched his face. “I don’t understand.”
Barret licked his lips and wished to God he didn’t have to do this. He angled the tattoo toward her and pointed to the marks. “Those aren’t losses, Eden. They’re kills.”
She looked at the marks, all ten of them, then back to him and then to the marks, utter confusion in her pretty blue-gray eyes.
“I’m halfway through the Welkin Raider’s council.”
Realization washed across her face like a tidal wave. “You were the one who killed the Crestfall council members?”
“I waited until I was a man and I knew what it was to take a life before I sought vengeance for the Four Deadlies. If I didn’t do it, who would? I was the only one left.”
You’re too angry, Barret. Be calm, little cat. You’re safe.
“Fuck,” he gritted out, shaking his head to rattle the ghost free. “Your feathers are white like your hair. I thought you were a snowy owl. What is your lineage? I can’t tell from your feather markings. You barely have any.” Please let her not be a Crestfall.
Eden’s face crumpled, and he hated himself for hurting her. “My lineage is on the Crestfall side. You killed my grandfather. He was on the council.”
Barret’s heart dropped down to the floor. Jax muttered a curse, paced away and then back before resting his hand on Barret’s head again.
“I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I would choose a falcon,” Barret forced out. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I made it look like part of the war.”
Eden’s shoulders were shaking, and she buried her face against his chest. “I never met him. I haven’t met any falcons other than my mom.”
“But Eden, how can we be together now? Even if you haven’t met them, I killed part of your family—”
“Stop. Barret, stop! The falcons are bad. My parents and Damon Daye went to great lengths to keep me and my coloring a secret from them. My grandfather would’ve sent warriors into our mountains to retrieve me if he knew there was a white falcon there. My own grandfather would’ve put me in their breeding program, just like he did to my mom. You didn’t hurt me by killing him, Barret. You made me safer without realizing it.” She gripped the back of his hair, forcing him to look at her, and now her entire body was trembling against him as she locked her churning silver gaze on his. “Tell me about Marney.” Would she let him touch her with his hands? He had to try. He needed his palms against her skin. Touch meant forgiveness, right?
He pulled her against his chest, and she allowed it but didn’t wrap her arms around him. She just sat in his lap, arms tucked between them. His heart felt like it was being shredded by the thought of admitting what he’d done, but she should know the reasons he hunted the falcon councils.
“My dad had a broken mate bond. He was headed where Lynn is, except he had an anchor. He had me, but I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t nearly enough to keep him okay. Two years into his spiral, two years into me not being touched or talked to or cared for…two years of feeding myself and getting myself to school and feeling completely alone in that house with him, Marney came, and she changed everything. My dad was like this flower. He opened back up, started living again. She didn’t let him give up. She fixed the broken parts of him, but she wasn’t a panther. The Four Deadlies’ alpha balked at her being there because of the falcon wars, but he was an understanding alph—”
I love you, little cat. You’re the son of my heart.
“Fuck.” Twitch. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this.”
“Get it done, Barret. Please just get it out before it poisons you,” Eden pleaded. Her voice was so small he held her tighter, as if to hold her breaking pieces together, but really he was trying to keep himself together.
“The alpha let her stay, and we were happy. So happy. She was a good step-mom, a good mate for my dad. She brought us both back to life and made me feel safe and not alone.” His voice broke, so he cleared his throat before he continued. “We were quiet with her shifter, and she only Changed at night. We wanted to keep her off the radar of the falcons forever, but we failed. We knew from the beginning that either the Crestfalls would come to put her back in the breeding program she’d escaped from or the Welkin Raiders would come to kill her. No one leaves the falcons. They don’t let their people escape, or the females would wise up and all flock away from them. War happened on a Thursday. The Raiders had found her, and they were there to kill her. The Four Deadlies tried to protect her, and protect me.” His voice went thick. “It was stormy, Marney’s favorite weather. It was early in the morning. The panthers in my crew were screaming outside. Fuck.” He could see it so clearly, the memories he’d worked so hard to tuck away in the darkest corners of his mind. It was like a movie playing right in his head. “I’m dying.” God, he sounded pathetic.
“No, no, no, you’re still here. With me,” Eden said, wrapping her arms around his torso.
Barret rubbed his face against hers on one side, then the other, then rested his chin on her shoulder and stared at the night sky out the open garage door. “The panthers were screaming. Dad told me and Marney to stay in the house and lock the door. Marney was crying and saying it was all her fault. She was looking out the window with this look on her face as she watched the war… It was like she was dying inside. I could tell when my dad got killed—from her eyes, from the sound in her throat. She turned to me, and her eyes were empty. She told me to hide in the place she’d made for me in case the falcons ever came. ‘Run, little cat. Hide, little cat. I’ll come for you if I can. You have to run now so I can help the crew.’ But I was ten and felt brave. I didn’t want to leave Marney, so I followed when she went out the front door. I remember she walked with her arms out at her sides, palms up, her shoulders shaking, and her voice was broken when she screamed, ‘You win! You ruined my life after all. You took everything good from this world just to hurt me.’ And then she Changed and, God, she was fearless.” He dragged in a hitching breath and squeezed his eyes closed. “She took the war to the air, drew the falcons up, up, out of my reach. When I was a cub, it felt like there were a hundred of them, but now looking back, there were probably just thirty in the sky. There were another twenty or so on the ground with the bodies of my crew. With the body of my dad. I was screaming for Marney to come back because I couldn’t reach her. She was all I had left and I couldn’t help her. There was a swarm of falcons on her, and something warm sprayed across my cheek as I was screaming her name over and over, “Marney! Marney! Mom!” I wiped off the raindrops, but it wasn’t water on my fi
ngertips. It was blood. Her blood. And then I watched her fall. And when she hit the ground and didn’t move, I ran like she’d told me to do, and I hid in this little cave for three days, starving, thirsty, alone, replaying that awful day over and over in my head until I wasn’t okay anymore and I knew I never would be again. On the third day, a man found me. A wild-looking man with bright green eyes who talked strangely. He said his name was Beaston, and he picked me up, hugged me for a long time, and then put me in his truck and bought me three hamburgers from this place in town. And then he drove me four hours to an old mountain man, a grizzly shifter who wasn’t okay in society. And that old grizzly raised me. But he could never fix me.”
Eden was crying so hard her body was shaking with her silent sobs, and from the sniffling around him, the others were emotional, too.
“So, there it is. There’s the damage. Someday Ben will put me down like he’ll have to do for Lynn.”
“Never,” Eden said, easing back, stubbornness in her eyes. “I won’t let you stay broken, Barret. I won’t.” Her cheeks and nose were red, and her eyes were full of tears. She looked hurt and fierce all at once.
“You should go back to Damon’s Mountains. You’ll be safe there.”
“I’m safe with you.”
“Except I can’t save anyone, Eden. I only kill, not save.”
“Says the man who defended my body against your crew. Says the man who was defending Lynn’s body from an entire pride of lions tonight. Says the man who protected me during that same fight. You’re breathing still because of me.” Eden cupped his cheeks gently. “And I’m breathing because of you.”
“Eden, the falcons will come for you. They always come. They’ll draw you into their breeding program, or they’ll kill you. You feel like mine, and I don’t hurt so bad around you. You feel like my future. Like my steady. Like my heart. I bit you for a reason. Claimed you for a reason. You feel like everything that’s good. Like everything that could make me better someday. You can save me, but I’m one man against two armies, and I’ve seen my limits before. What if I can’t keep you safe?”