by I K Dirac
“So, no Kwokkah. Did you know it was never there in the first place?”
“We did have a little hint, yes.”
“And do you know where it is now?”
Jim always admired how de la Beche rarely gave any sign of surprise or suspicion, but he noticed his eyes narrowing almost imperceptibly.
“Are you saying you do, Your Feminence?”
“As a matter of fact, Captain, I am – but before we go any further, there is the little matter of our fee.”
Jim thought he saw de la Beche's eyes narrow more.
“Your fee?”
“Yes, our fee. I seem to remember that last time you promised us a million.”
De la Beche looked astonished, not entirely convincingly, Jim thought.
“That was when you were part of the operation, Your Feminence, and it was on a strictly no-win, no-fee basis. I did explain to you that, despite all my entreaties, Commander Splenditheran would not contemplate your participation. You know how stubborn and prejudiced some people can be.”
“Yes, naturally I believe you, Captain. Many, I dare say, would not.” She paused as if to emphasize the firmness or otherwise of her belief. “Well this time it is on a strictly no-fee no-information basis and our fee is fifty thousand. Take it or leave it.”
This time Jim thought the Captain's astonishment was less feigned.
“Fifty thousand? Impossible, Your Feminence. Where would I get that sort of money?”
“From your usual paymaster, Captain. I think he will be delighted to pay up.”
De la Beche shook his head.
“I doubt that very much, Your Feminence. And how do I know that your information is correct?”
Orestia and Junipa exchanged smiles.
“I can assure you that it comes straight from the horse's mouth and I think we both know about which horse we are talking. Our source is closer to that mouth than anyone you are ever likely to know.”
De la Beche shook his head resignedly.
“Well, Your Feminence, I suppose I can ask but I don't hold out much hope.”
***
Jim saw de la Beche was bent over a small communicator screen and using an earpiece so he could not hear what was being said at the other end. It was clear that the request was not well received.
“Yes, Commander, I quite understand … absolutely outrageous … extortionate … blight on the Galaxy, I quite agree … one of these days, yes, absolutely, Commander ... sticky end … no less then they deserve … but what choice do we have? … no, I don't think they would accept less.”
The conversation continued in the same vein for some time. Eventually Jim heard de la Beche say, “Agreed, Commander ... We'll tie them down ... No wiggle room ... If it's wrong we get it all back ... Thank you, Commander, I'm sure you won't regret it.”
***
Jim watched as Orestia's face appeared on the main screen. Her expression had now reverted to stern.
“No, Captain, we do not offer any sort of money-back guarantee. You have our word that the information is absolutely correct. That should be enough.”
De la Beche sat back, shook his head and sighed.
“Commander Splenditheran was most insistent, Your Feminence.”
Orestia shrugged.
“As I said, Captain, take it or leave it.”
De la Beche sighed again.
“Very well, Your Feminence. I take your word for it. I am making the draft over to you now. It should be with you shortly.”
Orestia's face disappeared from the screen. It reappeared several minutes later.
“Thank you, Captain. That all looks satisfactory. I can now tell you that the Kwokkah is on Utrophia.”
De la Beche threw up his hands and a look of total disbelief came over his face.
“Utrophia? Are you sure? You know what it is?”
Jim thought Orestia was faintly amused by the reaction.
“Of course I do, Captain. It's the dumping ground for every mystical cult and superstition in the Galaxy.”
“That may be your opinion, Your Feminence; others take a different view. But you must know that its location is a secret. I'm told that only high ups in all the religions know where it is and are allowed to be there. How do you suggest we go there?”
Orestia's amusement seemed only to increase.
“Not my problem, Captain. We have kept our side of the bargain. It's up to you as to what you do now.”
As her face faded from view, Jim became increasingly puzzled. What and where was Utrophia? The most likely source that might enlighten him was Galactopedia, although something told him that Culpepper might not let him enquire. However, when he returned to the surgery he found Culpepper was not there. He went over quickly to the screen and requested information.
Utrophia
Under the Treaty of Opiuchus, the planet Utrophia has been designated as the seat of the High Consistory, the body set up under the Treaty to adjudicate on all questions of dispute or interpretation between religious denominations.
Its location is secret, known only to recognized religious authorities. Only those authorities can communicate with Utrophia and have the right to designate personnel who can reside there. Such personnel can only be male.
34
When he returned to the Bridge, Jim found that de la Beche was only too well aware of the dilemma.
“It seems we're in a bit of a pickle. We know where the Kwokkah is, but we don't know where it is, if you see what I mean. Any ideas?”
There was a long silence. Even Mister Betelgeuse seemed stumped. Then Doctor Culpepper spoke.
“If I might make a suggestion. Libertania.”
De la Beche seemed baffled.
“What do you mean 'Libertania', Sawbones? Are you talking about that hideout for blackguards, renegades and retired members of our esteemed profession?”
Culpepper nodded.
“Back in the day, when I sailed with Captain Blacksabre – remember him? – we had a couple of shipmates who had come back from Libertania. I remember one of them saying that they had found a way to get to Utrophia. They thought there would be rich pickings there, but they all got boozed up as usual and, when they landed, they were set upon by a horde of black monks. Gave them a terrible hiding, so he said, and sent them packing. They never went back.”
De la Beche pondered this news.
“Thank you for that cautionary tale, Sawbones. It does at least offer us a scintilla of hope. I was not looking forward to informing Commander Splenditheran of where we think the Kwokkah is.”
***
“Captain de la Beche, you really have excelled yourself. First you tell me that the Kwokkah is on Utrophia and then you tell me that you need to go to Libertania to find it. Or to put it another way, the Kwokkah is on a planet, no one knows where it is and to get there, you need to go to a planet to which no one in their right mind would dream of going.”
De la Beche, Mister Betelgeuse and Jim sat across the large table in Splenditheran's boardroom from the Commander and his Chief of Staff, who chewed impassively on a large cheroot.
“I suppose you could look at it that way, Commander, but why not be more optimistic. What's to lose?
Splenditheran looked across at his companion.
“I shall ask the Chief of Staff what he thinks.”
The Chief of Staff continued chewing on the cheroot for several seconds.
“I think they're full of shit.”
Splenditheran nodded.
“I'm afraid I concur in those sentiments.”
They stared at each other across the table, no one saying anything. Finally de la Beche broke the silence.
“Let's put our cards on the table, darling. Frankly, what's the alternative? If we all do nothing, then the Orsonians will be up to their usual mischief and you will be in a pickle, while we, I can assure you, will not have made a penny from all our efforts. Why not give it one more try? Better that than to give up.”
Sp
lenditheran looked again at his companion who, still chewing, said,
“I think they're still full of shit.”
Silence descended again. Eventually Splenditheran spoke.
“Against my better judgement, Captain, I have decided to give you one more chance. I will sanction this expedition to Libertania as part of our contract, but you must keep me fully informed of all your actions there.”
De la Beche beamed.
“I'm sure you won't regret it, Commander. If the way to Utrophia is to be found, we will find it. So there's just one little matter to finalize.”
“There is?”
“Yes, our expenses.”
Jim thought Splenditheran was going to explode.
“Captain de la Beche, we have given you endless expenses – to what avail, I ask myself? No more.”
“Well, darling, if that's your final word, so be it, but it would be spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You know the sort that we will find on Libertania. Palms will need to be greased, paths smoothed, gratuities paid. These things don't come cheap and I haven't a penny to spare. Creditors are making my life a misery. I hardly dare open an invoice these days. I was hoping for more, but I do understand that you don't want to be profligate, so I think thirty thousand will just be enough if we are canny.”
Jim thought another explosion was coming, but Splenditheran eventually managed to control himself.
“Twenty thousand and no more. This is absolutely the last expenses payment you will receive. Is that understood?”
“Of course, Commander, gratefully received. I think we should just be able to scrape by on twenty thousand.”
***
Jim watched as activity on the Bridge built up. De la Beche sat in his Captain's chair, wearing a sheer silk chiffon skirt and ruched saffron-coloured blouse beneath a slim tweed coat-jacket. On his head was a large fedora, garnished with an ostrich feather. A diamond encrusted cross hung on a gold chain from his neck. The plangent sound of an aria, which Jim now recognized as Ombra mai fu from Handel's Serse, fell gently on his ears and on the air he detected hints of honeysuckle and lavender, tinged with musk.
“Mister Betelgeuse. will you please obtain the coordinates for Libertania, and, Helmsman, prepare to set the course. I will give the customary orders. What wind do we have, Helmsman?”
“Freshening from nor’ nor’ west, Captain.”
“And what sail?”
“Mainsail, foresail, main topsail and mizzen staysail, Captain”
“Hoist jib and main topgallant.”
“Do you think she can take it in this wind, Captain?”
“She can take it, Helmsman. Libertania, here we come.”