by Ruth Heald
‘That’s a relief.’ He reaches over the threshold and touches me. ‘I’m so sorry, Katie. I don’t know how to make it up to you.’
‘I’ve had to do everything without you. Getting them settled. Learning to look after them. Feeding them, changing nappies, comforting them. You’ve missed it all.’
‘It’s only been a week…’
It already feels like a lifetime.
‘The most important week. You have no idea how stressful it’s been without you. I had no idea whether you were even coming back. I thought you’d left me. You didn’t reply to my messages. I thought you didn’t even want to meet our babies.’ I’m crying now and my tears are a mixture of anger and relief. I’m angry he didn’t try harder to contact me while he was away, but I’m relieved he’s finally back. Not so much for me, but for the twins. They have a father who does want to be in their lives. He hasn’t abandoned them.
He reaches out to touch my arm, and leans in close to the babies.
‘Which one is this?’ he asks, stroking Alice’s face. I feel suddenly protective of my children. He needs to earn his place in their lives.
‘It’s Alice,’ I hear Paula say from behind me. ‘And it’s time to change her nappy and then feed her.’ I let Paula take her from my arms and into the living room.
‘This must be Frances,’ Ian says.
‘Yes.’
Paula returns. ‘And she needs her feed too. It’s getting late,’ she says pointedly.
I look at Ian. ‘She’s right. It’s too late for this now.’
‘Why don’t you leave?’ Paula says, her gaze flicking towards the door, where Ian’s suitcase still sits on the mat. ‘You can’t expect to just walk back in here. Katie’s been so worried.’
I nod. ‘She’s right, Ian. We can talk in the morning.’
‘It’s my house,’ Ian protests. ‘And I had no idea you’d had the twins until yesterday, I promise, Katie, please believe me.’
I can’t get my head round it all now. ‘I need to feed the girls,’ I say, not knowing what to think. ‘Come back in the morning.’
* * *
I toss and turn all night, unable to sleep. Paula comes in with the twins regularly so I can feed them, and each time I feel a sense of relief. I want to hold them as close to me as possible, to feel their skin on mine. As much as I’ve wanted Ian to come back, I feel unsettled by his return. I’ve got used to coping without him. I want to believe he didn’t get my messages, but my trust in him has been shaken. I can’t let him back into our lives if he’s just going to disrupt the finely balanced routines we’ve established and then leave again.
* * *
The next morning, he arrives early. He must have been shopping after he left last night because he presents me with a beautiful wooden baby walker for the girls. I feel myself soften towards him just a little, as I lead him into the living room where the twins sit with Paula, one in each arm.
She stands, carefully balancing them. ‘You’ve returned,’ she says, her eyebrows raised.
‘Paula.’ Ian greets her with a smile. ‘I think we got off on the wrong foot last night. The first thing I should have done was thank you for helping Katie out with the babies.’
‘Katie needed someone. You were away.’
Ian looks taken aback. ‘I’ve explained to Katie. I didn’t get her messages.’ He leans towards the babies. ‘So these are my girls. Can I hold them, Katie?’
I nod and he takes them in his arms one at a time.
‘They’re beautiful.’
‘They change so much in the first few days,’ Paula says. ‘They already look different. They’re growing up so fast.’
‘Wow,’ Ian says. ‘I can’t believe I missed it all.’ He turns to Paula. ‘I’m so grateful you were here to help.’
‘Paula’s done so much for me,’ I say, aware that Paula’s still angry on my behalf because he missed the births. ‘She’s been living with me, helping me settle the babies. I don’t know what I’d have done without her.’
‘Well, thank you Paula. But I don’t think we’ll need your help now I’m back.’
I give Ian a warning frown, remembering how Paula reacted the last time I suggested she leave.
My phone beeps and I see a text message.
Ten minutes away. Amy. I frown. I’d completely forgotten she was coming round today.
* * *
‘Katie!’ Amy greets me with a huge hug and then hobbles into the house, on crutches.
‘Ian’s back,’ I whisper.
‘What?’ Amy’s eyes widen in surprise. ‘When?’
‘Last night.’
‘Are you pleased?’
‘I think so.’ I nod. ‘I’ll take your coat,’ I say, louder, for Ian and Paula’s benefit.
‘Thanks.’
‘He’s just in the living room with the girls.’
‘Actually Katie, I need some help paying for the taxi. I’m out of credit again.’ She smiles apologetically.
‘Right. Ummm… I’ll ask Ian.’
When I ask, Ian reaches his hand into his pocket for his wallet and hands a couple of twenty pound notes over to Amy.
‘Thank you so much,’ Amy says to Ian, when she comes back in with his change. ‘I don’t know what I’d have done without you. I’ll pay you back, of course.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Ian says with a dismissive wave. ‘How’s your leg?’ he asks, eyeing her cast.
‘Oh, not that great,’ Amy says vaguely. She’s already distracted by the babies. Ian is holding Alice, while Frances is lying on the play mat.
Amy sits down on the floor awkwardly and then picks Frances up and holds her high in the air, breathing her in. ‘Oh my goodness, Katie. You’ve produced two such adorable children.’
Ian laughs. ‘I think I had something to do with it too.’
‘How was Thailand, Ian?’ Amy asks, and I realise I haven’t even thought to ask him yet.
‘Actually it went really well. I think we’re about to sign a new multimillion-pound deal to be involved in the building of new hotels over there.’
‘Worth missing the birth of your children for, then?’ Paula says.
Ian looks flustered for a second. ‘Of course not. If I’d known they’d been born I would have rushed back immediately. I’d have been on the first flight as soon as I knew Katie was in labour. But my phone wasn’t working properly. I didn’t know.’
Amy looks at me and raises her eyebrows, as if to ask whether I believe him. I frown. I have to trust him if we’re going to bring up a family together. But I still have an uneasy feeling in my gut. What if he’s lying to me?
Ian looks down at Alice in his arms and tickles her under her chin. ‘I’d never have missed your entry into the world if I could have avoided it, would I?’ he says to her, beaming.
‘I suppose the deal means you’ll need to spend more time abroad?’ Paula says.
‘Well,’ Ian sits up straighter on the sofa. ‘They‘ll need me there to lead things. But I’m trying to limit my input as much as possible. I’m hoping I can get away with just the occasional trip over. I want to be here with my girls.’
‘You’re going to need to keep going back?’ I ask incredulously. He hadn’t mentioned this when he first told me about the trip. I’m angry that after all he’s put me through, he’s even considering leaving again.
‘Well, I’m trying to get out of it. But I might need to go back once or twice. It will be worth it, though. The deal is worth a fortune.’
‘I don’t care about the deal,’ I say. ‘I need you here to look after the girls with me.’
Ian turns to me and smiles. ‘Katie, I’m so glad you’ve said that. I was devastated last night when you turned me away. I know you’re angry with me, and understandably. But I want to make things work. Can I move back in? I really want to make a proper go of things. As a family.’
I hesitate. In my head alarm bells are ringing. After everything that’s happened it’s hard to trust
him. But despite it all, I love Ian so intensely it hurts. I want the twins to have a father around so badly. And I need the help. I can’t look after the twins on my own. I take a deep breath. It’s worth giving it a go. For my daughters’ sakes. ‘OK, then. But I need you around to help me. Not in the office all hours.’
‘I’ll do as much as I can, honestly. These two girls are the most important people in my life. I know we’ve got off to a bad start, but I want us all to be a proper family.’
10
We’re waiting for the man to come round, watching for him from the huge stained-glass window that overlooks the driveway. He comes round every week at around 4 p.m., bag slung over his shoulder. Sometimes he arrives a little bit before, sometimes a little bit later, but he’s always there.
We know he’s not a policeman now. He doesn’t look like a policeman at all. He always wears shiny clothes. I think it might be a football strip. It must be his favourite team because he wears it all the time. And he can’t be a policeman, because if he was a policeman he’d want to punish Dad. But he seems to like him. We hear their laughter echoing up the stairs, before he goes out into the garden and Dad puts him to work.
He never takes a break when he’s in the garden and my sister and I watch, fascinated, as he becomes red-faced and sweaty and covered in mud. It’s almost as if he doesn’t care about getting dirty, as if he enjoys it. The boys at school are like that too. Dad would kill us if we ever let ourselves get that dirty.
The garden looks better after his hours of labour. But nothing else changes. I wonder if Dad pays him for the work. He’s never paid anyone to do any work around the house before. He says it’s lazy to pay for work you could do yourself. But he’s happy to make our mother do it.
My sister nudges me and my eyes are drawn to the driveway. Out of the window, we see him approaching the house as usual. For a second, he looks up and I think he might have seen us. I wave tentatively. He tilts his head back, staring up at the window. My face splits into a smile and I wave harder. But he’s looking away now and we hear the front door open and close as he comes into the house.
There’s only a brief murmur of conversation before we hear the back door open and we scoot across the hallway to our room to watch him in the garden.
We don’t hear Dad coming up the stairs. We don’t hear him open the door to our room. But I scream when I see him grab my sister and lift her up, clamping his hand over her mouth to muffle her scream of surprise.
‘I’ll be back for you!’ he calls. I hear him clambering down the stairs.
I sit on the floor, shaking. In horror films children often hide under beds. But in horror films they’re always found, dragged out by whichever angry man or monster wants to hurt them.
I wait, and he returns. When he lifts me up, I don’t wriggle or protest like my sister. I let him carry me down the stairs. And then he opens a door. The door to the basement.
My sister screams from the darkness below. I’m thrown down at the top of the cold stone stairs that lead down into the black. The door shuts behind me and I hear the bolt move across.
Twenty-One
That evening Ian opens a bottle of wine at the kitchen table and pours a glass for each of us. It’s an expensive one he’s brought back from duty-free. I know he means it as a peace offering, but I really don’t feel like drinking and I tip mine into his and pour myself a glass of water. We can hear Paula pottering about upstairs, putting the twins to bed. Their wails echo around the house, as they always do at bedtime. My whole body is tense as I listen to them.
Ian turns to me and whispers. ‘Shouldn’t we see what’s wrong with them?’
‘No. Paula’s sleep-training them.’ Their screams reverberate inside me and I feel a primal urge to go to them, but Paula says it’s essential to get them into a routine.
Ian takes a gulp of wine. ‘Why’s she still here?’
‘She’s helping me out, getting them settled.’
He nods. ‘Well, she can go now. I’m sure she’s been great, but you don’t need her anymore.’
‘Ian, I can’t just get rid of her because you suddenly reappear out of the blue.’
‘Why not? Surely a doula is a short-term role? I’m here now. I can help out.’
‘Help out, Ian? You’re their father. I’ll need you to do just as much as me. Or else we keep Paula.’
‘How much is this costing?’
I frown. I haven’t paid her anything yet.
‘Well, nothing at the moment. When I didn’t hear from you, she offered to help out in exchange for bed and board. But now you’re back, I want to pay her properly for all her work and the help at the hospital.’
Ian gets out his wallet, counts out twenty-pound notes and hands them to me.
‘This should be more than enough for what she’s already done. Why don’t you thank her for helping you and ask her to leave?’
He doesn’t understand. I can’t just hand Paula some money and tell her to go. Ian has no idea what Paula’s meant to me, how much she’s helped me.
‘She’s very reliable. I need her.’
‘But what about me? I want to be there for the girls.’
‘You haven’t been reliable, have you? You missed the births and you missed the beginning of their lives. I need to know I can trust you, Ian. And at the moment, I’m just not sure.’
Ian flinches and takes another sip of wine. ‘I’ll do anything I can to prove myself to you.’
‘I’m going to bed,’ I say. ‘I’m tired.’
‘Stay up a bit longer,’ he says. ‘Let’s talk things through. I know I made a mistake. I should have tried harder to contact you from Thailand. I love you, Katie.’
I sigh. ‘I’m too tired for this, Ian.’
‘OK, I’ll bring my glass up to bed, we can talk there.’
But I don’t want to talk. I can’t bear to confront everything. Ian missed the birth of our twins. He hasn’t been there for the first days of their lives. And now he’s waltzed back in and wants us to continue as before. The idea of him in bed beside me, talking at me, seems too much. We have so much to discuss, but right now I just want a bit of peace.
When we get upstairs, he turns left towards the main bedroom, and I grab his arm and pull him back.
‘Don’t. Paula’s in there.’
‘She’s sleeping in our bedroom?’
‘She had to. There was a leak in the spare bedroom and the other rooms haven’t been done up.’
‘Well, where have you been sleeping?’
‘In the spare room.’ I push open the door to my mouldy, damp bedroom and Ian crinkles his nose in disgust.
‘This is crazy, Katie. How can this room not be good enough for her, but good enough for you? It stinks of damp.’
He looks round. ‘And where are the girls?’
‘They’re with Paula,’ I say, blushing. ‘She helps them in the night.’
‘Katie, this is ridiculous. We can’t live like this.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘But I could hardly make Paula sleep here, could I?’
* * *
It takes a while, but I manage to convince Ian not to march straight into Paula’s room and instead come to bed with me in the spare room.
‘I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping in here,’ Ian says as he strips down for bed.
‘I didn’t have any choice. I desperately needed Paula’s help. And I couldn’t afford to fix the leak without you.’
‘I’ll take a look at that tomorrow. See if I can do some repair work. Then Paula can sleep back in here.’
‘OK,’ I murmur. ‘Thanks.’
He runs his hands over the wallpaper peeling away next to the bed’s headboard. ‘I can fix this too. What are these marks behind it?’
‘They’re drawings, I think. They look like they were done by a child.’
‘Oh,’ Ian says absent-mindedly. ‘I hadn’t thought any children lived here.’
‘I know. There’s no evidence that a family l
ived here, is there? No old play equipment in the garden or anything like that. I’d have thought the drawings are years old.’
‘Probably,’ Ian says, as he climbs into bed beside me. He wraps his arms round me, pushes his torso up next to mine. ‘I’ve missed you,’ he says.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I mumble sleepily, grateful for his warmth embracing me in the bed. I feel safe again as the house creaks and groans around us and the roof sags above us.
‘I love you.’
‘You too,’ I say truthfully. Despite everything, I still love him.
* * *
I wake to the sound of the babies screaming and check the time once more: 1 a.m. I sit up in bed and start adjusting my nightdress, exposing my breast. Ian stirs in his sleep.
Then Paula pushes the door open, flicks on the light switch and brings the girls into the room.
Ian jerks up in bed at the sudden invasion of light and noise.
He stares at Paula, eyes wide. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I’m bringing the girls in for their feed,’ she says reasonably.
She places Alice on one breast and Frances on the other and sits on the bed next to me. As usual Alice immediately starts sucking vigorously, while Frances makes a half-hearted attempt and then pulls away. Paula pushes her back on, while Ian watches.
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ he asks.
‘No,’ I say, concentrating on Frances.
When the feed is over, Paula leaves and Ian turns to me.
‘Is this what you want?’ he asks. ‘Paula bringing the babies in in the middle of the night?’
‘Not really,’ I admit. ‘I’d like them to be right beside me, to be able to just look over into their cots. But this room’s far too damp.’
‘I knew this couldn’t be working for you. You’re their mother. You need to be with them.’
I feel the familiar sense of longing for my children and tears prick my eyes. I roll away from Ian so he can’t see my face.