by Tabitha Bree
“I’m trying to learn,” Sadie says, giggling self-consciously. “Casting directors are always wanting to know what extra talents I have. So, I’m trying to gain some.”
She and Jayden laugh together as she strums clumsily. You can tell after spending five minutes with Sadie she’s going to be the next big thing. Someone just needs to notice her. She isn’t in your face like a lot of famous types. She’s modest… humble. A rarity amongst beautiful, young LA actresses.
“Can I show you an easy one?” I ask, putting my beer down.
She raises her eyebrows at me. “A lesson from a pro? I’m honored.”
“You play ukulele?” Dee asks, tilting her head at me.
“There are still many things you don’t know about me, Miss Moore.”
She pushes her mouth sideways, concealing a smile.
“So, you start here, and put your right hand here…” I go through an easy little melody with Sadie, the first one I learned when I was teaching myself the ukulele. At least, I thought it was easy. When Sadie tries it, Jayden cringes, and she throws her empty beer can at him.
“Give me a break, dickhead,” she says to Jayden as he sniggers into his hand. “Compared to an actual music legend, of course I’m a bit shit.”
“Music legend is a stretch,” I say, taking a sip of my beer. “It’s mainly smoke and mirrors, I can assure you.”
“He’s being modest.”
Dee’s voice floats over the fire and I remind myself what a moron I’ll look like if I start blushing. And then she keeps going.
“His talents are even more impressive when the smoke and mirrors are stripped away.”
I frown at her, but smile. I’m pretty sure she’s never given me a compliment before. Certainly not in front of people.
“Is that so?” Sadie says. “Well in that case.” She holds the ukulele up toward me.
“Aw come on, Dee’s just teasing,” I say, suddenly filling with a strange dread. “I don’t even really know how to play this thing.”
“We literally just heard you,” Jayden points out.
“You know what, I’d like to hear this for myself,” Vik says, resting his ankle on his knee. “Why don’t you play us something?”
“Yeah, play!” Sadie grins.
Next minute, everyone is chanting ‘play, play, play’ and I’m holding the ukulele, wishing a sinkhole would appear in the sand and swallow me whole. It’s been so long since I’ve played this way in front of anyone… raw… vulnerable. With the exception of last night, but that was only because I didn’t know Dee was there.
Creeper.
She looks at me across the fire with her eyebrows bunched in sympathy and mouths ‘sorry’. And somehow, just looking at her face, I know it’s going to be okay.
“Alright, alright,” I say, putting a hand in the air. “I know one song on this thing.”
The group cheers, and I look down at the strings, wondering how well I remember the chords. As I strum, it all comes back to me like muscle memory. It’s a cover of the ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and ‘What a Wonderful World’ mashup by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, and as soon as I start, a few recognize the song. Particularly Sadie, who touches her chest and pokes out her lower lip.
Before I start singing, I look up at Dee, who is watching me with rounded eyes.
“Somewhere over the rainbow… way up high…”
The vocals for this are soft, which is good, because I’m still scared shitless. My whole body feels tense, including my vocal cords. Playing in front of a group of my peers feels disturbingly like high school, and I have to remind myself that the chance of one of them giving me a wedgie after is unlikely.
“Someday I wish upon a star… wake up where the clouds are far behind… me…”
As I sing the words, I can’t believe how much I want them to be true. I would give anything to put all the drama and the heartache behind me… start fresh. And maybe I could, maybe shedding the outer layers of myself is the first step to finding my happiness. Not carrying on with some misguided attempt to find joy by proving my haters wrong. No… but actually getting back to who I really am.
“… and I think to myself… what a wonderful world…”
When I’m brave enough to look up, I almost mess up the chords because I’m taken aback by what I see. All of these faces, watching me, smiling at me. I’m not new to having fans, but this is different. This feels like something else.
This feels like acceptance.
“… and the dream that you dare to… why, oh why can’t I?”
I don’t know how to describe it, but now, the fire somehow feels like a ritual, and the music is setting me free… free to be myself. I’m suddenly overcome with the notion that it’s okay to just be me, that I don’t need the act and the smoke and the mirrors.
Just being myself is enough.
I strum the last few chords, and the group breaks out in gushing noises, patting my legs and flashing huge smiles. It’s warm and genuine and better than any packed-out stadium of screaming fans. And as I look through the smoke of the fire, I see the best smile of all.
Dee quickly wipes at her eye when I look at her, and my heart soars. And as she joins in on the clapping, I know that it’s the only validation I’ll ever need.
19
Dee
I can’t believe it’s our last night in Hawaii. The week has flown by. On our first long day shooting in the jungle, it felt like the trip would last forever, punctuated with hangouts on the beach and Pina Coladas with dinner. But now that I’ve watched my last Hawaiian sunset, I can’t believe it’s basically over.
Even though it’s dark now, I’ve just realized this is my last chance to swim in the ocean before we leave at dawn tomorrow. It wasn’t until I was packing that I realized my bikini didn’t fit me anymore, so I’m standing here in my navy one-piece that I’ve owned for eternity.
The resort has its own private beach access, and no one else is here. It’s just me, the salty, humid breeze, and the water kissing my toes.
God, it’s just so fucking beautiful here. I know I’ll miss it. The week turned out better than I expected, and in the end, I was stressing myself out for no reason. Xavier was fine. Not once did I have to drag him out of a rowdy bar or go out of my way to keep him in line. It helped that Vik kept an eye on him too.
Xavier only ever joined our group hangs if Vik invited him. He seemed cautious around the crew, like we were a secret clubhouse, and he didn’t have the password. That, or he just has no desire to be friends with us.
“Looks like you had the same idea I did.”
I spin around and see Xavier standing on the sand, his chest lit only by the moon. His hair lit up from behind by the lights of the resort. He’s wearing bright green shorts tonight, covered in wooden surfboards and tiny girls wearing leis, hula skirts and coconut bras.
“Nice trunks. Did you and Vik go shopping together again?” I tilt my head and smile. “That’s cute.”
“We did, actually. I can ask if he’ll take you as well next time. Then you won’t have to borrow your great aunt’s swimsuit.”
I glare at him, concealing my smile. I can’t even disagree with him; this suit is horrible. All saggy in the ass section. I’m sure it’s really attractive. He’s smirking at his own joke, thrilled with himself, and suddenly I’m feeling daring.
“Alright then. Let’s take it off.”
His eyebrows come together. “Excuse me?”
“Did I stutter? You don’t like my swimsuit and your shorts are ridiculous, so… let’s take it off.”
He frowns at me, studying me like he’s waiting for me to say ‘psych!’. But I keep my face even.
He narrows his eyes. “You wouldn’t.”
“Wouldn’t I?”
“No, you’re Dee. Miss Keep It Together, Miss Always In Control… well, except for that time in—”
“Are you going to just keep talking shit or are you going to strip?”
He laughs. �
�I know what this is. You’ll get me in the buff and then run off with my shorts.”
“I’m not a twelve-year-old boy.” I snort.
“Then it must just be a ploy to get in my pants.”
I roll my eyes. “Been there. Done that.”
He laughs, walking to the shoreline and swishing his foot through the water. I can’t tell if he’s testing the temperature or just stalling.
“What’s the matter, Black? Are you scared?”
“Ha.” He presses his hand against his firm stomach. “Me? No, baby. I’m not scared.”
“Kinda seems that way. What’s wrong? Are you afraid of getting caught?”
“Well, we are right in front of the resort. Are you trying to tell me you don’t care about people seeing you naked?”
“You didn’t strike me as someone concerned about getting their dick out in public. What was that headline a few months ago…? Indecent exposure…?”
“THAT got twisted around,” he says. “I was just taking a piss in the alleyway and some pap followed me.”
“Well, there are no paps now.”
He looks over his shoulder, like he doesn’t quite believe me.
I’m shocked that I’m trying to convince him to do this. But something inside me is saying just go for it, live a little. Xavier was right when he was mocking me… I always have it together, I’m always trying to keep control. But feeling the warm breeze against my skin, I just want to embrace our last night… do something crazy.
Xavier looks at me again, a crease between his eyebrows. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
It’s occurring to me he thinks this is just another game, me playing chicken or trying a prank of my own. I need to lead by example.
I slide my thumbs under the straps of my bathing suit, and one at a time, I push them off my shoulders and set my arms free. Once my suit is sitting like a strapless top, I hook my thumbs under it again, but this time I push it all the way down… over my breasts… stomach… ass… until it falls to the ground. I step out of it, kicking it to the side. The first thing I notice is how amazing the breeze feels against my bare skin.
The second is the look on Xavier’s face.
His mouth hangs open, and then it turns up into a huge grin.
“You’re on, Moore.”
Within seconds, his shorts are on the ground and he’s standing there with his hands on his hips. I keep my eyes upwards of his collarbone.
“On three,” I say. “One…”
“Two…” he says.
“Three!”
We take off like someone has shot an invisible gun on a running track. As we splash through the shallows, water flicks up everywhere and I squeal as the crisp drops cover me. And then, as soon as we’re deep enough, we dive, breaking through the surface at the same time.
It feels incredible.
There is just something so freeing about skinny dipping, and I don’t think I really appreciated it when I did it drunk in college. The sensation of the cool water ripples over my entire being, every inch of skin, every hair on my body. Usually when I relinquish control, I feel anxious and like a failure. But this… this is the best feeling of letting go I’ve ever experienced.
I come up for air, and Xavier appears two seconds after me. I run my hands over my face and hair and laugh as he shakes his head like a dog.
“Well…” he puffs. “I think this might have been your best idea ever.”
“It’s not bad, right?”
We grin at each other, bobbing in the water. But now that the exhilaration of hitting the water naked is over, I remember the other thing.
That I’m in the water naked.
With Xavier.
Almost like a trap, my brain replays that night in the bathroom, and a shiver runs over my body that has nothing to do with the cool water. I’m just a few feet away from him, nothing but empty ocean between us, no one else around…
His expression changes, the grin falling from his lips as a different emotion takes its place. And I recognize it instantly, because I’m feeling exactly the same way…
Desire.
We’re together in an instant, my arms wrapping around his shoulders, my legs wrapping around his waist. I press my lips against his, the salt water dropping into my mouth as we take the kiss deeper. Unlike the last time, I don’t feel scandalous or like I’m embarking on a dirty little secret. It just feels good. The fresh ocean water, the skin-on-skin contact… I don’t want to be anywhere else.
I ripple my hips back and forth like the ripples of the water, and his grasp tightens around my backside. I can feel him against me… wanting more… and as I move myself against him, I know I do, too.
I don’t want to hold back.
I slide my hand down his chest and in-between us, putting him where I want him. Our noses are touching as we look into each other’s eyes… mouths parted…
And he enters me.
My whole body tightens in pleasure. It’s instantaneous. And our lips come together again as I use my hips to push myself. It’s not frantic like last time, it feels more deliberate… like we’re savoring the feeling, enjoying the delicious pressure as the ocean laps around us. He moves his lips to my neck and plants kisses down to my collarbone and along my shoulder. I grasp his head in my hands, holding him in place… running my fingers through his hair.
When the pressure builds we move faster, and I wrap my arms around his head, our faces cheek to cheek. He controls my body with his lean, muscular arms… pulling me closer, harder and faster.
And then we both cry out, our moans traveling across the water top. I tighten my legs around him and squeeze my pelvis against his, enjoying every moment of our climax. Our naked chests pressed together feels divine… our hearts beating in relief.
I lean back and our eyes meet, our lips finding each other’s again. When we break apart, his chest rises, and he still has that intense look in his eyes.
A look that says ‘this isn’t over’.
He walks us to the shore with me still wrapped around his torso, like I found him out there in the ocean and latched on like he was a life raft. When we hit dry land, he lowers me down to the sand, hovering above me. Water from his hair drips down as he stares into my eyes, lowering down and finding my lips again. He kisses along my jaw, down my neck, and over my breasts. He flicks his tongue over my nipple and I realize I still want him.
I’m not finished.
But he seems to be two steps ahead, because his head keeps moving down, kissing a trail along my ribs, across my navel… and then he moves his whole body further down the sand so that his lips can reach my hips. He looks up at me, his blue eyes piercing in the limited light we have. Just the vision of him hunkered down there is enough to send a tingling sensation through my body, because I know what’s about to happen.
I bite my lip, and he stoops his head.
As soon as his tongue touches me, I’m possessed.
I drag my heels through the sand, bending my knees as Xavier slides his arms under each thigh, holding my hips in place. The delicate licks send me wild, and I have to stop myself from pushing his head closer. There’s something so primitive about it… being spread open, naked, and Xavier naked below me. I can feel the breeze on my breasts, and I let my knees fall to the side, enjoying every ounce of liberation. As I do, his tongue intensifies, and I can barely speak.
“Oh… God… Xavier…”
When I say his name, his clutch on me tightens, and he adds more pressure. I can hardly breathe… but there’s an ache in my pelvis stirring, and it’s getting stronger and stronger.
I look up at the stars above and it’s only just now that I realize how much brighter they are here. But it’s like I’m seeing them after several wines. My vision going in and out of focus and my mind somewhere else. On the man face-down between my legs.
Just looking at him again pushes me over the edge.
My back arches as my body erupts, and I claw at the sand beside me. My head
lurches into the air like some invisible puppeteer is pulling a string from above. I know that at any moment, someone could walk out and see us. And I don’t give a single fuck. All that matters now is the delicious feeling shooting through my legs, and holding onto it for as long as I can.
And Xavier doesn’t stop. He keeps going through my moans, reaching up with one hand and grabbing hold of mine while I cry out his name. And as the climax settles into a delectable pool of satisfaction, he rolls over, so that we’re both flat, staring at the sky above. Only his hand doesn’t move.
His hand stays tangled in mine.
20
Xavier
The last night with Dee was fucking magic.
I’m not talking about a good time. I’m talking gave me goosebumps, etched into my memory forever, wanted to write fucking songs about it, magic.
Lying on the sand next to her with her hand in mine unlocked an extra chamber to my lungs. It was like I could breathe again. Looking up at the stars with my skin pressed into the sand, I felt nothing but pure contentment. Peace. So much so that I dozed off with my junk on display for the world to see. Luckily, I stirred around midnight and was able to send myself to bed before the early morning swimmers copped an eyeful. But when I did wake, Dee was gone.
I don’t hold it against her—leaving me there in my birthday suit—but I’m not going to pretend it didn’t hurt. I thought it was different from last time, that Hawaii actually meant something. But knowing she wanted to slip away into the night confirmed it.
The night on the beach was just another hookup for Dee.
We gather at the airport, everyone a little tanner, a little tired, and way chummier. It feels a bit like the end of summer camp; I have the same nostalgic, disappointed feeling in my gut. I see Dee across the terminal, but she doesn’t see me, and I suspect she’s not looking on purpose. I guess she doesn’t want to encourage me or give me the wrong idea. But as I look at the smile on her lips while she talks with Sadie, I know that it’s absolutely true for me.