by Jo Bartlett
Brae let out a low whistle. ‘I can handle a sugar rush with the best of them, but judging those biscuits nearly finished me off!’
‘Me too, but you did a great job seeing as I hit breaking point about two-thirds of the way through. It was really sweet of you to make sure all the kids got a prize today.’ Anna caught hold of Brae’s hand as they headed back towards their cottage. It was typical of him to order a medal for all the children who’d taken part, to go with their goody bags of sweets. He’d also bought a trophy in the shape of a whisk for the overall winner, so that they’d have something to remember the day by once they used their pass to the farm. His reputation as the nicest guy around wasn’t going away any time soon.
‘They all did so well and it’s just a bit of fun, isn’t it? Ella’s campaign is whipping up a great sense of community spirit, as well as helping save the lifeboat station.’
‘She’s been amazing, but I feel guilty that I haven’t done more to help.’ As Anna spoke, Brae pulled her towards him.
‘You, my beautiful, brilliant fiancée, are running a midwifery unit, pulling together a wedding and turning up and helping out at every event Ella comes up with. Not to mention making an oaf like me the happiest man in the world. Do you know how often I look at you and can’t believe how lucky I am that someone like you would even look in my direction?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m the lucky one.’ Anna closed the space between them, enjoying the warmth of his lips as they met hers. She didn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, but she’d been dying to talk to him ever since she’d opened the email from the adoption agency that morning. They finally had some time on their own, so now was as good a time as any. ‘I heard back from the adoption agency today.’
‘That was quick.’ Brae searched her face and she nodded.
‘It was just information giving, but I sent them a list of questions and they answered all of them. Shall we sit down?’ She gestured towards the bench that looked out across the water towards the Sisters of Agnes Island.
‘Is it a sitting down sort of conversation?’
‘I’m just not sure I can walk and tell you all the information on the way home, I’m not as good at getting up the hills as I used to be as it is!’
‘You make it sound like you’re eighty. If we had a race, you’d be home and back again before I was even halfway there.’ Brae took hold of her hand as they sat down. ‘Come on then, tell me all about it. Am I going to need to get fit enough to run home to pass the medical to be an adoptive parent?’
‘That’s one question I didn’t ask them.’ Anna squeezed his hand. ‘The good news is that we seem to meet the eligibility to adopt.’
‘What is it?’
‘To be honest I was quite surprised about how open they were. I was worried about my age.’
‘Well there’s a surprise.’ Brae shook his head, but his tone was gentle.
‘I know, I know, but I thought it might count against us, or mean they’d only let us adopt an older child, but it doesn’t make a difference.’
‘That’s great.’
‘Uh-huh.’ Anna looked at the floor, still trying to work out how she felt about what she was going to say next.
‘What aren’t you telling me? This is all great news as far as I can tell.’
‘My age doesn’t make a difference to our chances of adopting a baby, because they’re almost non-existent anyway.’ Anna met his gaze and it was her turn to try and read his expression. ‘The social worker from the charity said that most of the children they place are quite a bit older and they’ve usually been through the care system and had a really tough time of things before the court makes an adoption order.’
‘They sound like exactly the sort of children who deserve to have a mother like you.’
‘Do you think we could really do it?’ Anna had reread the second to last paragraph in the social worker’s email at least ten times:
Not everyone makes a good adopter; lots of the children have complex needs and carry their earlier traumas with them. As such, you’ll need to be resilient, incredibly patient and empathetic, but with the right support most of the children settle into their new families with time.
‘You can do anything you put your mind to and I know whatever decision we make about this – going ahead with applying to adopt, or not – it’ll be the right one, and for all the right reasons too.’
‘I wish I had as much confidence in myself as you do.’
‘That, my darling, is just about the only thing I’m better at than you.’ Brae kissed her gently and then pulled away again. ‘There’s no need to rush into any decision, is there? Let’s just enjoy the fact that it’s another option we’ve got.’
‘I’ve got to admit it is quite nice not to hear the tick tock of time running out for once.’ There had been a real shift in Anna’s mindset over the last few weeks, and it was all down to Brae. He’d made her realise that she’d already found her family, even if it was just the two of them. It was his encouragement that had made her take the first step in setting up the infertility support group and sharing her experiences with Jess and the others, which had opened her heart and her mind up to the possibility of adoption. She already owed him more than she could ever repay and she finally felt excited about the wedding and their future together beyond that, without a shadow hanging over her.
‘I’m going to make the most of every moment I’ve got you to myself.’ Brae pulled her to her feet. ‘I might even be able to motivate myself to start jogging home. That way, I could have a six-pack by the time we decide whether to adopt or not.’
‘Let’s just stick to walking for now.’ Anna leant into him. He was right, there was no need to rush into anything. She just hoped he was right about everything else too, and that she’d know what the best decision was. The only thing worse than the thought of letting Brae down was the prospect of letting a child down too.
14
Anna’s last appointment of the day was a booking-in appointment with a patient called Lucille Dench. The first appointment with any new mums-to-be took a lot longer than most of the others and Anna would spend the time finding out about Lucille’s medical history, as well as outlining the types of tests she would be offered in the first ten weeks of her pregnancy. One of the most important things Anna would cover was what support Lucille had at home and she’d also try to gently unpick whether there might be any issues. Sadly domestic violence tended to escalate during pregnancy and sometimes the booking-in appointment was the expectant mother’s only chance of getting the help she needed to escape from a dangerous situation, before it was too late.
‘Lucy! I had no idea it was going to be you!’ Anna got to her feet as her friend from the infertility support group came into the room. ‘Are you okay with me being the one to book you in, as I can always ask one of the other midwives if not?’
‘I know, no one calls me Lucille unless it’s something official and I don’t think I know anyone’s surname from the support group. But I’m okay with it, if you are?’ Lucy’s voice was quiet and she could barely seem to make eye contact with Anna.
‘Of course, I’m so thrilled for you and I couldn’t think of a better way to end the day. Come on in and take a seat.’ Anna smiled, but Lucy still looked strangely deflated. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I just feel so bad.’
‘What’s wrong? Is it nausea?’
‘No, I mean I feel bad because I’m coming in here and telling you I’m pregnant, when I know everyone else in our group is still struggling. I feel so guilty, especially because I didn’t even have to have the treatment.’
‘Oh Lucy, don’t feel guilty.’ Anna didn’t care if it wasn’t protocol and she didn’t even ask permission before giving Lucy a hug; sometimes it was the only thing that would do. ‘I’m so happy for you and the baby clearly has excellent timing! You were due to start treatment last week, weren’t you?’
‘My periods have never really recovered from
so many years of using the contraceptive implant, when I thought falling pregnant would be so easy.’ Lucy managed a half-smile at last. ‘So the IVF clinic have been tracking my cycle to try and work out when I should start the fertility drugs. They gave me a pregnancy test, just as a precaution, and it came back positive.’
‘That’s amazing!’
‘I don’t think it’s sunk in yet. They kept telling us there was almost no chance of conceiving naturally with Henry’s sperm count the way it was.’ Lucy let go of a long breath. ‘I just keep thinking it must be a mistake and I can’t let myself get excited in case it doesn’t stick.’
‘Oh sweetheart, I know it’s hard when you’ve wanted this for so long, but these things happen a lot more often than you think.’ There was a tiny part of Anna that was aware she was trying to convince herself, almost as much as she was trying to convince Lucy. Miracles happened all the time. ‘I think the research shows that nearly a fifth of women end up falling pregnant naturally in the six years after they stop having IVF treatment. So it stands to reason that there must be quite a few who fall pregnant whilst they’re waiting too.’
‘But it’s not going to happen for Jacinda, is it? She keeps texting me to ask how it’s all going and she’s going out to Ukraine after our next get-together.’ Lucy’s mouth turned down at the corners. ‘If the surrogate falls pregnant, she’s got to pretend to her husband’s family that she’s carrying the baby herself. How crazy is that? She’s the one who could have used a miracle, because I’ve had nothing but support from my family and Henry’s, but she’s not suddenly going to grow a new womb, is she?’
‘Jacinda would hate the idea of you not being able to feel excited about the baby, because of everything she’s going through.’ For a split second Anna thought about admitting that Lucy’s news had actually given her a tiny bit of hope. It proved that things weren’t always black and white when it came to fertility, but confessing to a tiny bit of hope out loud was a risk. Anna had to keep it damped down. She’d come so far in accepting what might never be, with Brae’s support; she never wanted to go back to feeling that something she might not ever have was the only way she could be happy.
‘Tara said pretty much the same when I rang to say I wouldn’t be coming to the support group meeting at her house this week.’
‘You’re not going to come any more?’ It felt as if a weight had settled on Anna’s chest as Lucy shook her head. ‘I hope you change your mind. Jess is thinking about leaving too, now that she’s decided to foster. But we set up the group to be there to support each other and, for me, none of that changes when one of us gets closer to becoming a mother. One way or another.’
‘Are you still thinking of adoption?’
‘We’re talking about it…’
‘But?’ Lucy raised an eyebrow and Anna shrugged.
‘It takes a special kind of person to adopt, so it’s not something to rush into without really thinking it through.’
‘Well you’re definitely up to the job if that’s what you decide to do; you’ve made me feel a hundred times better already.’ Lucy’s smile finally looked genuine. ‘Now the only thing I’m dreading is having to be weighed! I lost three stone so they’d let me start the IVF treatment, but I’m still way off where I really should be.’
‘You did brilliantly to lose all of that weight and it might have made all the difference.’ Anna opened Lucy’s file on the computer. ‘Don’t stress about anything like that, we can make a plan for what will be a healthy weight gain for you for the pregnancy, but the best thing you can do is relax and enjoy it as much as possible. So we’ll start off with the easy bit and check your address and medical history, then I can take your blood pressure and run you through the tests we recommend. If you agree to them all, I’ll take some blood too. I’m guessing you’re not too worried about needles, after all the preparations for the IVF?’
‘I was about to be turned into a pin cushion during treatment, so I think I’m getting off really lightly.’ Lucy smiled again. ‘I’d like to stay in the group if no one minds and I just hope me and Jess will be the start of a clean sweep, so that we can turn it into a mother and toddler group at some stage!’
‘That would be great.’ Anna nodded, trying to get the image of a chubby red-haired toddler out of her mind. If she and Brae adopted, they’d almost certainly be bypassing that stage of parenthood. If she couldn’t be more like Jess and accept that an alternative route to parenthood meant letting go of some expectations – with rewards that would far outweigh that – then she didn’t have what it took to adopt. Whatever Lucy might think.
It was painful to admit that she might not have what it took, but she’d supported mothers-to-be before who were suddenly gripped by the fear that they might not love the baby they were carrying, and worse still that they might not even like it. She always reassured them that the bonding would come, even if it wasn’t instant. Caring for a newborn, who relied on you totally, was such an integral part of that, but adoption could mean skipping to the middle. She had to be certain that the perfect family picture she’d spent so long building up wouldn’t blind her to the gift of adoption. The children out there waiting for a family deserved the sort her parents had given her, and she wouldn’t step forward until she was certain she could deliver.
‘You don’t really want me to wear that, do you?’ Anna picked up the stretchy black and white body-con dress that Jess had laid out on the table in front of her.
‘It’s sexy. Anyway, have you seen what the boys are wearing?’ Jess raised her eyebrows. ‘I could have got us matching inflatable sumo wrestlers’ outfits if I’d known you’d prefer that.’
‘It’s just that I would have worn my Spanx if I’d known.’ The packaging on the outfit described it as a ‘classy convict costume’. Was there such a thing as a classy convict? Either way, it came with an accompanying plastic ball and chain, and a matching black-and-white hat. ‘Are we all wearing the same thing?’
‘No, I thought you should stand out. You are the bride after all!’ Jess grinned. ‘The rest of us have got orange jumpsuits. I’ll open the first bottle of Prosecco to help get us in the mood.’
‘Okay.’ Anna picked up the dress again as Jess disappeared to pour the drinks. It was going to take more than one glass of Prosecco for her to feel comfortable wearing this.
‘Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have delegated organising the hen night outfits to Jess. I thought it would just be a sparkly L-plate, or a tiara with a veil that you could ditch when you’ve had enough.’ Ella gave her a sympathetic smile.
‘It might not be my thing, but it’s lovely that she’s gone to all this trouble and I know how busy you’ve been with the fundraising.’ Anna was determined to have the best night ever, even if it might take most of the bottle before she felt brave enough to put on the dress. She didn’t have sisters, a mum, or even an aunt to invite along to her hen night, but being surrounded by so many good friends who wanted to make the night special, was definitely the next best thing.
‘For what it’s worth, I think you’ll look great. If I was marrying Brae, and had access to unlimited fish and chips, I probably wouldn’t be able to leave the house without the help of a forklift truck.’
‘The orange jumpsuit would have clashed with my hair anyway.’ Anna’s wavy red hair meant she’d never have been able to get lost in the crowd, even if she hadn’t been wearing skintight black-and-white stripes. ‘Although I’m glad you and Dan organised the joint hen and stag do itself. I’m not sure I‘d have coped with what Jess might have come up with.’
‘So you didn’t fancy drinking shots off a male stripper’s washboard abs?’ Ella laughed. ‘There’s just no pleasing some people.’
‘In that case, I’ll make sure you get a hen night to remember. I’m thinking naked waiters, dare cards you have to act out with strangers, and a giant willy-shaped cake, just for starters.’
‘You can read me like a book!’ Ella looked at Anna, as they both started laug
hing again. ‘But you do know you’ll have to fulfil your promise to organise it, if I ever do get married. I’m making you maid of honour, even if you’re seventy-three by then.’
‘Dan would ask you tomorrow if he thought you’d say yes.’
‘I wouldn’t count on it.’ Ella rolled her eyes. ‘I’ve told him so many times that I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it again after what happened last time, I’ve probably put him off for life.’
‘Have you changed your mind? If you have, you could always ask him.’
‘I don’t think—’
‘Prosecco ladies!’ Jess came into the room balancing a tray with cocktail glasses filled to the brim, breaking off their conversation.
‘Why is it purple?’ Anna eyed the glass suspiciously. She couldn’t remember what had happened after the end of the New Year’s Eve party that Jess had thrown the year before, or even getting to midnight come to that, and it had all started with a similarly colourful-looking cocktail.
‘There’s sloe gin mixed in with the Prosecco. I made the gin myself.’ Jess swirled the drink around the glass. ‘I can be quite the domestic goddess, as long as I’ve got the right motivation.’
‘Is this what we had on New Year’s Eve?’ Anna wanted to remember her hen night, and not just from a series of photos she had an increasingly hazy recollection of even being in.
‘No, that was Parma violet gin and champagne. Much more potent than this; you’ll be fine. Anyway, I’ve got to make the most of being the queen of the cocktails, because once I start fostering this will all be a thing of the past.’ Jess thrust a glass towards her just as there was a knock at the front door.
‘That’ll be Toni, I’ll get it.’ Anna passed her glass to Ella, glad to escape before Jess could suggest they downed it in one.
‘Sorry I’m a bit late.’ Toni was clutching two bottles in each hand – a potentially risky move – but it was Anna’s jaw that hit the floor.