by Jo Bartlett
‘You’re a brilliant midwife and that’s never once slipped.’ Anna put a hand on her shoulder. ‘As for the rest, your personal life is just that – personal. But I want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need to. The ball’s in your court, though.’
‘I know and it means a lot. I just don’t want to have to think about it at work as well as at home.’ Toni stood up, putting a full stop on the conversation. ‘Let’s get going.’
‘Absolutely.’ Anna nodded. All she could do, as a boss and a friend, was offer the opportunity if one of her team wanted to confide in her, but it was up to Toni in the end.
Anna stood on the step outside Luke and Tamara’s house and, even with the limited view she had as Luke pulled back the door, it was obvious the place was immaculate. It was like stepping into a glossy magazine shoot and she immediately felt as if she looked like she’d been dragged through a hedge backwards as a result.
‘Shall I take my shoes off?’ Anna turned to Luke, who must have been hovering by the front door, judging by how quickly he’d answered it.
‘Sorry, I hate having to ask people, especially in circumstances like this, but it freaks Tamara out a bit if she thinks the house might get messed up.’
‘It’s not a problem, lots of people ask us to do it.’ Anna kicked off her shoes and Toni followed suit. All either of them cared about was checking that Tamara was okay. She’d been asked to do far more unusual things, anyway, including putting a crystal in her pocket to welcome one couple’s baby with the right energy. ‘How’s she doing?’
‘She’s bracing against the back of one of the armchairs and the pains seem to be coming pretty fast.’ Luke furrowed his brow. ‘She keeps insisting it’s just practice contractions, but I really think this might be it.’
‘Does she know we’re coming?’ Anna followed Luke as he turned to head down the corridor, with Toni close behind her.
‘She said I shouldn’t have called you, but then she started crying and asking when you were going to get here. So I’m sure she’ll be okay about it.’
‘Hi Tamara, are you okay if we come in? I’ve got Toni with me. I think you met her before, at one of the clinics?’ Anna walked towards Tamara, who was bent at an almost 90-degree angle, with her stomach facing towards the floor.
‘I’ve got a confession to make.’ Tamara lifted her head to look at them. ‘My waters broke two hours ago.’
‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’ Luke visibly paled. ‘We could have been at the hospital within half an hour. I’ve practised the route three times, just to make sure we didn’t end up in a situation like this.’
‘I didn’t want to go to the hospital. It’ll take away all my choices. I just thought, if I could somehow make it through until it was too late, I could have the baby here.’ Tamara started to sob and Luke crossed the room to put his arm around her.
‘It’s okay, I understand. I’m just scared, that’s all.’
‘Me too.’ Tamara was crying hard now.
‘Okay, let’s have a look at you and we can see what our options are.’ Anna forced herself to keep a relaxed tone, despite the flicker of panic that made the skin on her face too taut to offer Tamara a reassuring smile. There was no particular reason to think she was going to have a difficult time, but with first-time mums it was always unknown territory. Then there was the fact that she was very underweight and physically and emotionally vulnerable, as well as the fact there was a high chance that the baby would have a birth weight on the low side too. All of that meant a hospital would be the safest bet, but if they had to do it here, she was more grateful than ever that Toni had decided to come along too.
‘We need to go upstairs. Everything’s in the wardrobe ready, there’s plastic sheeting and it can all be thrown away afterwards. I’m not even getting on the bed until it’s laid down.’ Tamara must have been planning this for a while. Even if the arrival of the baby didn’t look imminent, Anna had a horrible feeling it would be almost impossible to persuade Tamara to transfer to the hospital.
As soon as they got upstairs, Toni swung into action and transformed the bedroom with the supplies Tamara had stored in the wardrobe. Anna’s first check of Tamara’s blood pressure had shown it to be higher than she would have liked. But once every possible surface was cleared or protected with the disposable sheeting, her blood pressure started to drop and she finally agreed to lie on the bed for an examination.
‘How long have the contractions been this intense?’ Anna had a strong suspicion what the answer was going to be.
‘Since straight after my waters broke.’
‘That explains it, because you’re fully dilated, you’re at ten centimetres already.’ Anna exchanged a brief glance with Toni, who grimaced. Even if she’d been willing to go, there wasn’t time to transfer Tamara to the hospital before the second stage of labour started.
‘Does that mean the baby’s coming now?’ Luke was wringing his hands together.
‘It means it’s highly likely Tamara’s going to have the urge to push at any moment.’ Anna was still keeping her tone as light as possible, but that didn’t stop a look of sheer panic washing over Luke’s face.
‘Shall I call an ambulance?’
‘No!’ Tamara was already trying to get up off the bed.
‘It’s okay, I think the baby will be here before it arrives anyway.’ Anna took hold of Tamara’s hand. ‘If everything goes okay, we can do it here, but if you or the baby look like you might need any extra help, we’ll call an ambulance then, okay?’
‘Uh-huh.’ Tamara suddenly slumped back against the bed, dropping her chin to her chest. ‘I think I need to push.’
‘Then go with it, let your body do what it was designed for.’ Anna never ceased to be amazed by the strength of women in labour. As tiny as Tamara was, she was soon pushing with a power that was difficult to quantify, unless you’d seen it in action for yourself. Less than twenty minutes later, the baby was crowning.
‘Okay, I think she’ll be here with the next couple of pushes. You can do this.’ Anna encouraged Tamara, as Luke and Toni supported her legs, giving her something to push against.
‘You’re so amazing, Tam, I can’t believe you’re doing this.’ Luke blew his wife an air-kiss and she gave another groan.
‘Oh my Goddddddd!’ As the baby emerged, Anna caught her breath and not just because she was witnessing a new life come into the world. She’d seen a baby born with this condition before, several times, but not without the parents knowing in advance. It was never as bad as people feared, but there was no doubt it was going to be a shock. Especially to someone like Tamara.
‘Is she okay?’ Luke was beaming, just like a new dad should, as Anna lifted the baby up to lie her on Tamara’s chest.
‘She’s absolutely fine, but she does have a cleft lip.’
‘No, no, she can’t have! It would have shown up on the scan.’ Tamara’s eyes flashed and she recoiled as Anna lifted the baby towards her. ‘Get it away from me! It’s not mine! My baby was perfect, they said so when they scanned her.’
‘I don’t understand. How could they have missed it?’ Luke turned to Toni, as Anna held the baby in her arms.
‘It’s fairly unusual, but it happens sometimes if the baby’s in the wrong position when it’s scanned and it’s especially common if the baby doesn’t have a cleft palate too, as that’s much easier to spot on the scan.’ Toni answered Luke, but Tamara was silent, staring straight ahead of her. Anna had to look twice to check she was still breathing in and out. She’d expected tears or hysterics from Tamara, but the total silence was far worse.
‘It’s just her lip that’s affected, her palate is fine, which is great news. It means you can even feed her yourself if you want to.’ Anna looked down at the little girl, her almost navy-blue eyes wide open. She needed her mum.
‘I don’t even want to look at it. Take it away.’ Tamara turned her head to the side and then she was silent again, closing her eyes, only the tears trickling dow
n her face and dropping off her chin giving any indication she was still awake. When the baby’s mouth started to move, searching around for her first feed, Anna felt like her heart was in danger of breaking too.
‘I’ve spoken to the consultant and they’re going to want to admit the baby to hospital.’ Anna put a hand on Luke’s arm, as he cradled his daughter to his chest.
‘Her name’s Belle.’ He turned to look at Anna, his voice catching in his throat. ‘Although Tamara said she doesn’t want to call her that any more. She still won’t even look at her.’
‘I think she’s in shock.’ Anna had gone downstairs to make the call to the hospital, and Luke had followed with the baby, while Toni monitored Tamara. She’d barely spoken since the delivery and every attempt to get her to hold Belle, or even acknowledge her existence, had been rebuffed.
‘I understand that, but Belle’s beautiful, even with her lip the way it is. If I can see that, why can’t Tamara?’ There was a muscle going in Luke’s jaw. ‘A mother’s love is supposed to outweigh anything and she knows better than anyone what it feels like when that’s not the case.’
‘Giving birth can be hugely traumatic in itself, and you know Tamara struggles with a lack of control. So Belle’s condition being undiagnosed is all the more difficult for her to deal with.’
‘Why do they need to admit her to hospital? She’s going to be okay, isn’t she?’ Luke knitted his eyebrows together, his concern for the baby obvious.
‘They’ll run some hearing tests and a paediatric check, just to make sure there aren’t any other issues, but all Belle’s initial checks look fine. They’ll also help you to get to grips with feeding, and Tamara might still be able to feed Belle herself, if she wants to.’
‘That’ll be a struggle if she won’t even pick her up.’
‘I know it’s difficult for you, but I’ve seen mums have problems bonding with their babies before, and things usually work out in the end. You just need to give her time.’ Anna wanted to promise that it would all be okay, but Tamara’s existing mental health issues were complex, and there was no way of knowing how long it would take before Tamara was able to interact with the baby in the way that Luke expected her to.
‘Belle’s going to need me in the meantime, isn’t she?’ Luke looked down at his baby daughter. ‘I’ve got a catering business. I can’t just take time off, especially not at this time of year with loads of weddings coming up.’
‘Try not to worry about all of that for now. We’ll give you as much support as we can, but friends and family often rally around at a time like this.’
‘My family will help if Tam lets them, but she’s funny about letting people get too involved. And, as for her own family…’ he shook his head, ‘you probably know all about that?’
‘She told me things are difficult.’
‘Things with Tam are always difficult.’ Luke sighed. ‘But I love her and we’ll get through this somehow, just like we’ve got through everything else.’
‘She’s lucky to have your support; not everyone in her situation has that. I’m sure it’ll make all the difference.’ Anna silently prayed she’d be right, wishing she could relieve some of the burden resting on Luke’s shoulders. ‘Shall we go back up and let Tamara know the ambulance is on its way to take Belle in? And that she can go with her, if she wants to?’
‘Okay, but I can’t see her being willing to leave. Can you?’
‘Maybe not, but we’ve at least got to give her the option.’ Anna followed Luke, who was still carrying the baby, up the stairs. Tamara might not have bonded with Belle, but her dad already looked like an old hand.
‘The hospital need to take Belle in, Tam, and I think we should both go with her.’ Luke’s tone was gentle, but his wife kept her head turned away. ‘You can’t keep pretending not to hear me, or that she isn’t here. I know the thing with her lip is a shock, but if you look at her properly, you’ll realise it’s not that bad and Anna’s been telling me all the things the hospital can do to help.’
‘But her face, it’s so… I can’t look, because that’s the one thing I didn’t want for her, to go through what I did. I wanted her life to be so much happier than mine and now it isn’t going to be. Maybe it’s my fault, something I did, and I’m so sorry if I’ve done this to her. But I can’t bear it, I can’t! I won’t watch her be bullied and tortured by other kids the way I was.’ Tamara was still looking in the other direction. ‘I went through all of that at school, the name calling and the taunts because I didn’t look the way they thought I should. There was always something they found to hate about me, right from the moment my parents dumped me at that school. I just wanted to go home and not have to face the constant taunts. Now the baby’s going to have to face that too and it’s going to be even worse for her.’
Anna desperately wanted to reach out and comfort Tamara, the way she should have been comforted when she was facing those taunts at school; taunts that in truth had nothing to do with how Tamara had looked, but the vulnerability other kids had seized upon because of her sadness at being sent away. It was that vulnerability that enabled them to convince her that the taunts about the way she looked were true. She wanted to tell Tamara that it would be different for Belle, because she did have parents who would fight her corner and support her when life wasn’t fair. She wanted to say that everyone had times like that, times when they needed their mum and dad, regardless of anything else. But it would be easy for Anna to say, because she’d always had it. There’d always been someone to pick her up from a party when she’d been teased about her far-too-short ankle-swinging jeans that looked like they’d had a row with her shoes after a rapid growth spurt, and she just wanted to go home and have someone tell her that the other kids were only jealous when they called her carrot top and Duracell. That wasn’t Tamara’s experience, though, and she’d have to learn its power by being there for Belle. For now Anna had to take it slowly and help her see, bit by bit, that it was going to be okay.
‘Luke’s right, just look at her and you’ll see how beautiful she is.’ Anna slowly approached the side of the bed. ‘The problem with playground taunts is that the kids will always find something to pick on, just like you said. Especially if it gets a reaction from you. I’ve got red hair, so you can imagine the ammunition that gave them, but most of it was pretty much water off a duck’s back, I was so used to it. Then one lad in the year above picked up on the fact that my feet were really big, the biggest out of every girl in the year. It didn’t matter that I was the tallest too, it gave them something new and he started calling me Sideshow Bob, you know, from The Simpsons? I lost my temper and launched myself at him in the playground. He’d probably have got bored eventually if I hadn’t, but because he knew how much I hated it, and everyone else realised I did too, it pretty much stuck for the rest of the time I was at school. I swear, if I saw some of them now, they’d still call me Bob and find it hilarious.’
‘What she’s got is a million times worse than that! It’s a deformity.’ Tamara screwed up her eyes. ‘I can’t bear it. All I wanted was for her to be okay and not inherit my issues. Now there’s no chance of that.’
‘There’s a lot the hospital can do to help minimise the impact of the cleft in the short term. Then, when she’s between three and six months, they’ll be able to operate.’ Anna reached out and touched Tamara’s arm, heartened by the fact that she didn’t snatch it away. ‘You might find this difficult to believe now, but a lot of people say they actually miss the gap when it’s closed up, because it changes their baby’s smile.’
‘It’s true. My second cousin’s little boy had the op when he was six months old and she felt exactly like that. To look at him now, you wouldn’t even know he’d had a cleft lip in the first place.’ Toni reached into her bag, which she’d left in the corner of the room. ‘I’m not sure if she’s got any pictures on her Facebook account, but I’ll have a look. If not, I can send you some later.’
‘So she’ll still be able
to smile?’ Tamara looked directly at Anna for the first time.
‘Absolutely and, like I said before, if you want to, you might even be able to feed her yourself, with the support of the specialist staff at the hospital.’ Anna took a deep breath. ‘One thing we already know about Belle for certain, is that she loves a cuddle. She’s been snuggling into her daddy’s arms for the last twenty minutes, but I bet what she’d like most is a cuddle from her mummy.’
‘I don’t know if I can.’ Despite her words, Tamara turned slightly, towards where Luke was still holding the baby in his arms.
‘Yes, you can, you’re going to be fine and so is Belle.’ Anna kept speaking in the same gentle tone, as Luke leant down and carefully placed their daughter in her mother’s arms.
‘I’m scared to move. What if I knock her and make it worse?’ Tamara’s eyes widened as Luke stepped back, leaving the baby resting in the crook of her arm.
‘You can’t hurt her lip. It’s not painful for her either, it just stopped forming very slightly earlier than most babies, before the gap had fully joined up.’ Anna still felt as though she was holding her breath as Tamara ran a finger very slowly down the side of her daughter’s face.
‘Apart from her mouth, she looks exactly like the baby photos your mum showed me of you. She’s got the same brow line and her nose is just like yours.’ Tamara smiled. ‘I’m so glad she looks like you.’
‘Look at her watching you, she hasn’t taken her eyes off your face since I put her in your arms.’ Luke was beaming and Anna shot Toni a look. They both knew a newborn baby couldn’t focus on much more than light and motion at first, but Toni gave an almost imperceptible nod. They’d seen Belle come into the world, but now they were witnessing the birth of a family. Whatever helped Tamara to bond with her daughter was fine by them.
‘When the ambulance comes, they’re going to want to take Belle to the hospital, just to check her over and give some advice on how to manage the cleft until she can have the operation.’ Anna smiled. ‘I think she looks really comfortable lying in your arms and they’ll probably suggest you go with her. Is that something you think you could do?’