I don’t think I’ll post this letter after all. I don’t want you to cry.
With Love,
Fred
I was breathing hard as I re-read the letter again. The words were getting jumbled up in my head, my vision was blurring. None of this was making sense. Fred owed them money? The Hells Drifter’s were after him?
The letter was dated twenty-three years ago. Fred was involved with the Hells Drifter’s for over two decades? For longer?
I sifted through all the letters in my hands, and I decided that I had no other choice but to read all of them. Fred had secrets, I couldn’t believe that he had never confided in me!
16
Jordan
I made Lila a cup of coffee. Girth was sitting on my couch in the living room and watching TV. It was nice having the two of them in my apartment while Rodeo was away. I couldn’t have been more grateful to him for arranging this for me.
“I know how this feels right now, Jordan. I went through the same thing. I know it feels like you can never have your life back,” Lila was trying to console me.
We’d been standing in my kitchen and talking for a long time. I realized that I could really talk to her, like we had instantly connected.
“I don’t know if it is much of a life to go back to, but I’ve been trying to sort out my life—get it back on track,” I told her and Lila was nodding her head.
“But I know Rodeo, and I know that he’s trying his best to solve this,” she said and I pursed my lips together because I didn’t want to cry.
I had just finished telling her what had happened the previous night at the diner, and she was shocked and horrified by it.
“I do trust Rodeo, I just can’t be sure if my life will ever be the same again,” I said and Lila reached out to clasp my hand in hers and she gave it a squeeze.
“I know that’s how it feels right now, but trust me, things will get better,” she told me.
Lila had been telling me about how her life was under attack from a different MC called the Dark Legion. They had taken shots at her and nearly killed her, till Girth was appointed to protect her. He had rescued her from a kidnapping plot and they had been together since then.
“How did you get over it?” I asked Lila and she sighed.
“I guess for the first few days, I didn’t feel safe at all, but Girth made it better. He was patient and kind with me and I realized that I couldn’t let the past control my future,” she explained. I was nodding my head, I was trying to grapple with her advice, but I was finding it very difficult to fully understand it. The threat was still very real for me.
“Do you and Rodeo…” she began and I snapped my head up to look at her and she blushed.
“I don’t mean to pry, I’m sorry”
“No, you’re not prying. I just don’t know what’s going on between us”
“It’s just that in all the years that I’ve known Rodeo, I have never seen him with a woman, not like this. He seems like he truly cares about you,” Lila said. I was the one blushing now. I bit down on my lip and tried not to smile. This was the first chance I was getting to discuss Rodeo with someone else, and there were a lot of things that I wanted to say.
“I’m not sure what he wants. To be perfectly honest; I’m not sure what I want either. We haven’t really talked about anything seriously. For now, all I know is that he feels a certain sense of responsibility towards me. Maybe because he broke down my door,” I said and Lila arched her eyebrows.
“Well, he fixed your door. I would think that his job was done. But he’s still sticking around. He turned up at your diner last night!” Lila exclaimed and we both smiled at each other. I knew she was making sense, but I wasn’t sure how to explain what I was feeling.
I shrugged my shoulders and sighed.
“I just…I don’t know if Rodeo is the kind of man who is willing to give in to an actual relationship. To be fair to him, we don’t really know each other very well. We don’t even know each other for all that long!” I retorted and Lila nodded her head, but looked unconvinced.
“But sometimes these things happen and there is no explanation for it. That’s what I thought about Girth too…that he wasn’t the type of guy to be interested in anything serious. I mean, there was an obvious sexual attraction…” Lila said, and I was blushing again.
“I didn’t mean to embarrass you!” she exclaimed and we were smiling at each other again. Was it that obvious that Rodeo and I were sleeping together?
“I think it’s too early to tell if there is a future to think about right now. I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” I said, and forced myself to laugh nervously.
Lila smiled at me, but she had a knowing look on her face. As though she knew something that I didn’t.
“Yeah, I guess you shouldn’t. All I know is that I have never seen Rodeo behave like this before—to think about someone else so selflessly. And I also know that he would be a very lucky man to have you. If you do decide to take him,” she said.
I couldn’t help but blush. It meant something to hear this coming from Lila, who I could sense was very close to Rodeo.
I had noticed a change in him since the incident at the diner. It almost seemed like he was more willing to give in to the possibility of us being together seriously, but like I told Lila; I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. I didn’t know how I felt either, and this situation seemed like the worst time to make an important decision.
Lila and I continued standing in the kitchen and talking. I managed to quickly change the subject from Rodeo to something else because I didn’t want to keep thinking about him anymore. I had decided to just let fate take its course.
* * *
Rodeo returned to my apartment an hour later. Lila and I were still in the kitchen when Girth opened the door for him.
“Did you find anything?” I heard Girth ask him, as Lila and I joined them in the living room.
“Find anything where?” Lila asked, but Rodeo just stared at her like she’d asked him a ridiculous question.
“Rodeo?” Lila urged, snapping him out of his daze. I could sense that he was in some sort of shock. Wherever he had been, and whatever he had seen—had clearly taken him by surprise.
“I went to Fred’s apartment,” he finally replied.
“And?” Lila asked, narrowing her eyes at him.
We could all sense that he’d found something. Rodeo shook his head.
“He was involved with the Hell’s Drifters, several years ago, he owed them money,” Rodeo said. Lila’s reaction was to clasp her hands over her mouth. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I could sense that whatever it was, wasn’t very good.
“What do you mean he owed them money?” Girth tried to clarify and Rodeo took in a deep breath and shook his head.
“Fred was young, he needed money to start a business and he had nobody else to ask it from—the banks didn’t want to lend him the dough. He took a loan from them,” Rodeo continued. Lila gasped and then tried to think logically.
“What about daddy? Why didn’t he just ask daddy or our MC for the money?” she asked and Rodeo clenched his jaws.
“I’m guessing this was before he met Lewis, and before the Marked Skulls was formed,” he replied.
“What happened to the business?” Girth cut in and Rodeo swung his head around to look at him.
“It tanked. He lost all the money. He spent a lot of years trying to pay the money back to those assholes, and they were never satisfied with what they got,” he explained.
“How were they not satisfied with it if he paid them back the full amount?” I asked in a squeaky voice. Things were beginning to make sense.
Girth was the one who was shaking his head now.
“They would have charged him an interest and if Fred took several years to pay that money back, he probably owed them more money in interest than he could afford,” Girth explained.
“It wasn’t just the interest. The Hell’s Drifters seemed t
o have an open tab with Fred. They came after him for more money, they kept going after him—threatening him so they could extract more and more,” Rodeo said.
I could see Lila’s eyes watering. Clearly none of them, even though they had all known Fred well, had any idea what was going on in his personal life.
“Why did they kill him?” I blurted. It might have been an insensitive thing to say and maybe it wasn’t my place to say it but I couldn’t stop myself. I was curious and confused.
“Because Fred refused to keep paying. They’d been after him, controlling his life for thirty years and he just didn’t want to keep doing it forever,” Rodeo replied.
“So they just killed him?” I asked. We were staring at each other. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“They threatened him. They provoked him. They hounded him till he refused to pay. They weren’t just going to let him off the hook—he had been a constant source of money for thirty years. They weren’t just going to forget about it and move on. If they weren’t going to get their money, they didn’t have a purpose for Fred anymore,” Rodeo said.
I gulped. My throat had gone dry. Even though I didn’t know Fred, I had got a sense of how close Rodeo was to him, and it made me sad to think that he had discovered these secrets about his mentor in such a brutal way.
“Girth, Lila, could you please give Jordan and me some time alone?” Rodeo said. He was talking to the two of them, but he was looking at me now. There was a darkened harsh look on his face, and I couldn’t think of why he would want to talk to me alone right now.
“Sure, yeah, Girth, maybe we should go,” Lila said, picking her purse off the couch.
Girth grunted and the two of them started walking towards the door.
“Thank you! I’m so grateful that you took the time out to come stay with me,” I called after them. Lila smiled and Girth tipped his head as they were leaving my apartment.
When I looked back at Rodeo, I could see him still staring at me. It was like he had noticed something new in me and was trying to get to the bottom of that.
“What’s going on?” I asked Rodeo. I could feel a chill running up my spine. Something was wrong, that much I had been able to figure out. This wasn’t about sex. He didn’t want to be alone with me because he wanted me. He wanted to say something to me.
“Rodeo?” I urged him, when Girth shut the door behind him. We were alone in my apartment again, and Rodeo was still staring at me.
“Jordan, maybe you should sit down,” he said. I couldn’t think of one good reason why he wanted me to sit down, unless he had some bad news to give me.
“Rodeo, you’re scaring me,” I told him. He was standing over me now, looking down at me firmly. He had his jaws clenched, his blue eyes were deep and stormy. It seemed like he was trying to prepare himself to say what he was about to say. My heart was racing. What could he possibly have to say to me in private?!
“Jordan, there was something else I discovered in Fred’s apartment. Something that relates to you,” Rodeo stated.
“Me? I didn’t know him,” I argued and he breathed in deeply, squaring his shoulders—like he was going in to battle.
“Fred was your father,” he said.
17
Rodeo
Jordan was staring at me, her mouth was hanging open in shock. She was sitting on the couch and I was standing over her, while she looked like she’d just been slapped. I didn’t blame her for her reaction, that was how I’d felt when I first discovered the truth too.
“Rodeo, what are you talking about? You must be crazy,” she said.
I breathed out deeply and then sat down beside her on the couch. I reached for her shoulder, but she had no reaction to that.
“I’m sorry that you had to find out this way,” I told her and she shook her head. Her eyes were bright and wide, she was still trying to process the news.
“Please explain to me what you’re saying,” she said, in a shaky voice. I could see that she was trying to be firm, but she was confused.
“Fred was your father, that is what I’m saying, that is the truth,” I told her and she furrowed her brows.
“How do you know this? Do you think this is funny somehow?” she asked and I shook my head.
“I’m not trying to be funny. Was your mother’s name Sarah Avery?” I asked and she licked her lips nervously.
“Yes, it was. How do you know that?” she asked and I gulped. That was the last piece of information I needed, to validate my discovery.
“Because I know that Fred was your father, I have proof,” I said and Jordan stood up from the couch with a jerk.
“How do you know this?” she snapped. I could see that she was growing agitated. She was in total disbelief and she was beginning to distrust me too.
“Did your mother ever speak about your father?” I asked and she blinked at me rapidly for a few moments, before she shook her head.
“No, she didn’t. She said that it would be best if I never found out who he was. It doesn’t matter—I didn’t think I cared,” she said, and I could hear her voice beginning to crack.
“Fred wrote several letters to your mother over the years. Some of them he sent her—that’s my guess—but many of them, he never posted. I found them in a bundle in his desk,” I told her.
Jordan’s beautiful face was scrunched up and dark, her eyes were watery and the tops of her cheeks had turned to a deep red. I could see her whole body shaking from the shock.
“That is not proof, he might have known my mother at some point. That doesn’t mean that he is my father!” she snapped and I nodded my head.
“She wrote him a letter too. She talks about you in that letter,” I said. Jordan started pacing around the room, and I followed her every movement with my eyes. I was getting worried for her. I was worried that she was taking the news more badly than I’d anticipated.
“I don’t understand any of this. Why wouldn’t she tell me if she was still in touch with him? Why did he leave? Why did he never come see us? Why was he still writing letters?” she asked and she covered her face with her hands.
“Fred had no other choice. If he had a family, he would be putting their lives in danger. He was going to be indebted to the Hell’s Drifters for life—which meant that he was going to live a life on uncertain terms. Having a wife and a daughter would mean putting your lives at risk. He stayed away from you both to keep you safe,” I tried to explain.
Jordan shook her head. It was like anything I was saying to her seemed like a lie. She was still in disbelief.
“Hey, Jordan,” I said, standing up from the couch and walking towards her. She looked over at me and I could see that there was a fire in her eyes.
“No! Don’t just tell me all this and expect me to believe you. I don’t believe you. This is too crazy!” she was gasping and breathing hard as she spoke and I walked towards her.
“Hey, okay, calm down. You don’t have to do anything. I just wanted you to know,” I said and reached my hand out towards her. She flinched when I touched her arm.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. I just thought that you deserved to know the truth,” I said and she stepped away from me.
“This is crazy. Why would he do that? Why would she do that?” she was saying and I shrugged my shoulders.
“That was probably why she didn’t want to tell you about him, because you were better of knowing as little as possible about him,” I said.
“Show me the proof. I want to see these letters myself,” she said, and there was a look of challenge in her dark eyes.
I nodded my head and then pulled out a bunch of letters from the pocket of my leather jacket. I sifted through the pages till I found the one I was looking for.
I knew these letters inside-out now. I had spent all this time in Fred’s apartment reading and re-reading them. I handed one to her, and Jordan snatched it from me like she was afraid that it would escape from her hand.
I watched her as
she scanned the writing and then she looked up at me with an intense and horrified stare.
“This is my mom’s handwriting,” she said and flipped over the page. I knew that she was looking for the name at the bottom of the letter. I knew that it would say Sarah Avery.
“I know. She wrote it to Fred. That’s your proof, Jordan. That is proof that Fred was your father,” I told her.
* * *
Fred,
I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to reply to your letters before, I just didn’t have the courage to do it. I didn’t want to go down that road of talking to you again because I knew it would make me sad. It makes me sad everyday, it makes me sad to think that we are leading such separate lives. That you have never, and will never see your daughter. You’ve made your decision already, and even though you insist that it’s for our sake—I can’t get over it.
We were in love! We were supposed to raise our baby together, we were supposed to be a family. And I can’t believe that you were able to give all that up just because you’re afraid of a gang of thugs. I’m sorry but I can’t forgive you for that.
I didn’t plan on being a single mother, Fred, and I have no idea if I’m doing a good job. It’s been tough, I’m still struggling to make ends meet and trying to make sure that my daughter has the best life she can possibly have.
Sometimes I wish that you and I never met, so that you wouldn’t have the chance to break my heart.
I don’t know what else to say to you, other than that I still miss you and that I still think of you. Can’t we run away together somewhere far from here?
I apologize in advance if I don’t have the courage to respond to any of your future letters. Just know that I will always think of you.
Love,
Marked Skulls MC Series: Books 1-5 Page 25