by Willow Aster
“That’s what you think last night was?” I get out of bed and reach out to take her hand, but she backs up and laughs. It rings so false, but it works. I don’t touch her.
“It’s all it was for me,” she says. “And it’s all it was for you too. Come on,” she laughs again and the sound scrapes across my skin, “you know we’d never work. I’m not up for a relationship any more than you are.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth that I don’t mean.” I start putting my clothes on, now in an urgent race to get out of here. “Come find me when you’re ready to grow up, Emma.”
She opens her mouth to say something and then closes it, choosing instead to go into the bathroom and shut the door behind her.
Fine. She doesn’t want to deal with this like an adult? I’ll make it easy for her.
I get out of her place and I don’t look back.
Chapter Sixteen
Emma
I know I’ve blown it. I know by the ache in my gut, the way I can barely hold my shoulders up, the weight of the way I treated Spence heavy on me.
The look on his face, the jolt back like he’d been slapped when I basically told him to get out … that keeps replaying in my mind, over and over.
Our night together. I can’t even describe it. Nothing I’ve experienced has ever come close to that, and I’ve experienced more than I’d like to admit on my quest for being a sexually-aware woman of the twenty-first century.
My quest for never being left.
My quest for always maintaining control before I get hurt.
The fear. It’s so tangible I can taste it. I can’t just ignore that. Because feelings like this, with only one magical night—can you imagine if I let that continue and got even more swept up in something that can’t possibly last?
I get to the office early and am already a couple of hours in when Mya saunters in and drops in the chair across from my desk.
“You look good. A little wrung out, but good.” She smirks. “Anything you want to tell me? I passed Spence in the elevator on my way into the office, and he looked like he was just getting home. Jesse told me Spence went to talk to you last night.”
I suck in a long breath. Everything about Spence Taylor is complicated. It’s the reason I’ve pushed him away for as long as I have. Not only is he Mya’s boyfriend’s brother, he’s become someone that I depend on. I don’t have a good day unless Spence is somehow in it. Which is why this absolutely has to stop now. Our physical chemistry is explosive, and I knew better than to allow things to go this far. I can handle hating Spence Taylor, because when he walks away, I’ll still be standing. But falling for him, repeating what we did last night—it’s not an option. There’s no exit strategy. No escape door. He will destroy me, and I can’t allow that to happen. I’ve worked too hard … I learned at a very young age how to protect myself.
Hell, I’m still learning. And every time I’ve let my mom back in, I’ve been kicked in the gut.
I’m writing this off as a mishap. A moment of weakness. A terrible lapse in judgment.
“We won’t speak of it again. It was a mistake.”
Her smile fades and she looks wounded. “It wasn’t good?”
“Of course it was good. The best. Which makes it worse.”
Her head cocks to the side and her lips turn up again. “Why is that worse?”
“Mya.” I let out a long breath. “You know it can’t work.”
“Why? Give him a chance. I’ve never seen you like someone this much,” she says, and her gaze narrows as she tries to figure me out.
“Exactly why it needs to end. I didn’t grow up like you and Spence. I didn’t have the white picket fence or the perfect childhood. I live in the real world, and I like my independence.” I fold my hands on my desk and give her my you’re-not-going-to-change-my-mind look.
“You don’t have to have the perfect childhood to be in a relationship, Em. Or to live in the real world. Come on, you aren’t even being open-minded right now. You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy. Being on my own makes me happy,” I say, as my phone vibrates on my desk. I hold it up for her to see it. “Oh, look. My mother needs to borrow some money to get on her feet.”
“You need to say no to this woman. And stop letting her control every relationship that you have. You’re giving her too much power.”
Mya has never said anything like this to me before and it makes my stomach churn. My dad has told me the same thing before, and I hate it when he says it too.
“She has no power over me. You are literally talking out of your ass.” I move to my feet, as she has clearly hit a nerve. “I’m in control of everything in my life. And there is no room for a man. I’m focused on my career. My dating card is full. End of story.”
“I disagree.”
“You disagree? Seriously? Why? Because you suddenly have an awesome boyfriend after dating a slew of losers, and now you’re the expert?” I hiss. I know I’m being unfair to her, but it’s the only way to end this conversation.
“You can lash out at me as much as you want, if it helps. No, I’m not an expert on relationships, Em. You know that better than anyone. But I am an expert on you. And you’re scared shitless because, for the first time in your life, you actually like someone, and it’s terrifying. I get it. But don’t be too quick to push him away. Guys like Spence don’t come around every day. You know that. I just want you to be happy.”
Right. Guys like Spence don’t stick around, is what she means to say.
My phone vibrates again and I groan. An endless reminder about what happens when I love people too much. They walk away and then show up every few years asking for money.
I’m not claiming Spence is like my mother, but I’m also not willing to see what he’ll do to my heart. I’ve survived a long time being this way and it works for me.
“Okay. I love you. We need to get to work. I have a full day of meetings.” I reach for my blazer and pull it on before walking to the door.
This conversation is over. I love Mya. She’s my family. But she hasn’t walked in my shoes, so she’ll never fully understand why I’m the way that I am.
I’ll avoid Spence for a few weeks and the whole thing will blow over.
That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve spent the past few days working nonstop. Except when I have to leave early to deal with my mother. She’s got a new boyfriend, of course. He was sitting on the steps outside my door beside her two days ago when they stopped by to borrow some money. Apparently, he is also a recovering addict who happens to drink alcohol as well because they both reeked of booze. But she wasn’t loopy or acting irrational, so I still have hope that she isn’t using drugs again. I realize I need to unpack my role as her enabler, but one battle at a time. I’m not there yet.
I haven’t heard from Spence since he left my apartment and told me to grow up. Which is fair. I can’t say I’m proud of myself right now in the emotional baggage department. Still, it hurt to hear him say those words. Mya mentioned that he seemed a little down in the dumps, but I refused to discuss it. Spence Taylor will be just fine without me. Hell, he’s probably onto the next woman by now. I’ve insisted that my bestie not discuss it with me, and yet I am dying to know what he’s up to. It’s been days. I can’t stop thinking about him, so I decide to pop into Mean Mug. I’ll get a glass of wine and sit in the back of the bar and just see if he’s there. I don’t want to run into him. I just want to see him.
“Why are we wearing a hat and glasses in a dark bar?” Allen asks, and I roll my eyes. He can’t see it because I have oversized black glasses on and a baseball cap.
I’ve gone undercover to spy on my mother a few times in my day. I’m as sneaky as the next girl.
“Too many questions. Chardonnay, please.”
He laughs before pouring me a glass. I survey the area. There are a couple of locals sitting at the bar that I recognize, a super cute girl sitting at a high-top table by herself
, staring down at her phone, and a couple that can’t keep their hands to themselves, sitting in a booth.
Get a room. No one wants to see that.
I look up when light floods the pub because the door pulls open, and I’ll be damned.
Tall, dark, and perfect strolls in like he owns the place. My mouth waters at the sight of Spence. How can you miss someone that isn’t even yours? I want to run to him. Beg for a repeat. Force him to talk to me or fight with me, anything just to hear that voice.
But, oh my. The cute girl with the auburn hair is on her feet.
Is she running?
She’s running toward him.
What the mother eff is this about?
She trips and stumbles, and he freaking catches her.
Like her goddamn knight in shining armor.
This isn’t new. This is familiar. Practically overnight, this freaking guy has a girlfriend.
He hugs her and she can’t stop laughing and it’s freaking adorable.
And I’m nauseous.
This is the kind of girl that Spence deserves. A giggly, happy girl who runs to him at the end of the day. Not a bitter, jaded, unlovable woman like myself.
I’ll bet this girl’s mother made her cupcakes on her birthday and hurried home to make her favorite dinner. She’ll fit in perfectly with the Taylors.
He doesn’t kiss her, he assists her over to the table as if she’s porcelain and he’s afraid she’ll break.
“Allen,” I hiss.
“What can I get you, my dark and mysterious lady?” He thinks he’s hilarious, but I’m not laughing.
I slap some cash down on the table. “I need to use the back door. I wasn’t here.”
He laughs like I’m joking, but one look at my face tells him I’m not. “Okaaaayyyy. You know where the kitchen is. But seeing as there’s hardly anyone here, I don’t know why you’re behaving like a crazy person. That asshole with the abs that stiffed you with the bill hasn’t been back if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve had James and everyone else on the lookout for him and I doubt he’ll be back.”
If only my problems were as simple as that douchetaco, Rocco.
I hold my finger to my lips to tell him to stop talking and I hustle toward the kitchen.
I make my way down the street and stop at Gino’s for a pizza before making my way to Kingsley’s Auto Shop.
“Queenie,” Little Joe shouts as he hurries toward me and grabs the pizza. “How’d you know I’d be hungry?”
“Because you’re always hungry,” I grump.
Spence is on a date and I’m sitting at my dad’s shop with a bunch of filthy men. At least my mother isn’t planted outside my door asking for money.
I’m thankful for small wins today.
“Hey, sweetheart. You okay?” my father asks.
I swear the man has been able to read me since I was a kid. It’s uncanny.
“I’m fine. Just heading home from work.”
He studies me just as Fish and Stinky Pete grab a slice of pie from the box and thank me over a mouthful of food.
“So, what ever happened with the big guy?” Little Pete says, as he continues to chew.
“Nothing. He’s no one.”
“Didn’t look like that to me. And you left here with him that day,” Fish says.
“Are you seriously pretending to be a relationship expert? You dated your ex-wife’s sister after your divorce.”
The room erupts in laughter and even Fish can’t help but join in. I’ve learned how to handle these guys over the years.
“Queenie is on one tonight.” Now it’s Stinky Pete piping in.
“I am not. It’s called being tired. I had a long day.” And I just saw Spence embrace a really cute girl and I’m still reeling. I keep checking my phone, hoping he’ll make up some reason to text me, but there’s nothing.
He’s done.
It’s over.
He’s doing exactly what I told him to do.
“I heard your mom was parked outside your door the other night. Everything okay with that?” My father pulls up a stool beside me.
“It’s fine. She’s still clean. She drinks a little, but she isn’t using.”
He avoids meeting my gaze. “Did she ask for anything?”
“Just a few bucks to get on her feet. It’s the least I could do.”
“No. The least you could do is turn your back on her. It wouldn’t be unwarranted. I’d say you’re going above and beyond.”
I shrug. “It’s not a big deal.”
“You sure you’re okay? Did you go out with Jesse’s brother?” My father never asks about guys. Where is this coming from?
“No, Dad. We’re hardly even friends. We’re nothing. Plus, I think he has a girlfriend.”
“Didn’t look like that to me,” Stinky Pete says as he snags another piece of pizza. “He likes you. Trust me.”
I laugh now because taking dating advice from Stinky Pete would be like taking weight-lifting tips from Little Joe. Pete’s been married four times.
“How the hell do you know that? I am not taking dating advice from a man whose last girlfriend shot him in the ass.”
Laughter spills out around us and Stinky Pete covers his mouth to hide his smile. “It was a BB gun.”
“You got stitches.”
“Three little stitches does not count. Anyhoo, that man was giving you the eyes, Queenie.”
“I liked him. He’s the first guy you’ve ever brought around that I’ve liked.” Little Joe nods at me like he’s proud to be adding to this ridiculous conversation.
“I’ve never brought anyone around. And I didn’t bring him around either. He’s a friend of Mya’s. Her boyfriend’s brother. He was just being nice.”
“Why haven’t you brought anyone around?” Dad asks and everyone turns to look at him.
“Because I don’t date guys more than once. One and done, that’s my creed and I live by it.” I don’t bother telling them about my foray into multiple dates with Rocco. He doesn’t count in this discussion. “What is with you guys tonight? This is like a therapy session gone bad.” I move to my feet because I am done with this conversation.
Done with this day.
I can’t stop thinking of Spence and that girl. I’m dying to call Mya to ask about it, but I can’t. I’ve insisted I don’t care and I need to stay the course.
“Just because your mama’s life is a mess doesn’t mean yours has to be. Look at you, Queenie. You’re an attorney. You’ve done well for yourself,” Stinky Pete says and I want to yell at him and hug him all at the same time.
“You’ve all lost your minds. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I make my way out the door and pull out my keys. A lump is forming in my throat and I know I need to be alone.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.
“Emma,” my father’s voice startles me as I open the door.
“Dad, I’m okay, I promise. I’m just tired.”
“I know you, sweetie. And I know when you’re going through something. It’s okay to say you’re not okay. You know that, right? You don’t always have to be so tough.”
I shake my head. “You sound like Mya.”
He laughs. “She’s a smart girl. Maybe you should listen to both of us once in a while.”
“But everything’s fine. I promise.” I give him my best smile and pull the door open.
“I can’t change who your mother is, Em. But I can tell you that you’re nothing like her. And what’s more … you have never deserved the way she’s treated you.”
I just walk inside and pretend I didn’t hear him, because I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I drop down and bury my face in the couch.
All I can think about is Spence Taylor.
I curse his name before I fall asleep, dreaming of the man who won’t leave my head.
And I hate him a little bit more.
Chapter Seventeen
Spence
/>
“Who the hell pissed in your cornflakes again?” Gus hisses after I toss a bag of grout at him and the whole thing explodes all over his feet.
“No one. We have work to do,” I say, before grabbing the broom to sweep the mess up.
I have been in a perpetual bad mood for a week. Emma has gone radio silent and I haven’t seen her or heard from her since we spent the night together. This has never happened to me. If I spend the night with a woman, they are usually all over me. I’ve never felt this close to another person, yet she’s pushed me so far away, I don’t know that I’ll ever hear from her again.
Mya insisted I give her space and I’m trying to listen since she knows her better than anyone, but I’m about done with this bullshit. I like her. I like her a lot. And I know she feels the same about me. So why are we staying away from one another?
“You’ve been a dickwick all week and I’ve had enough. You didn’t help me move out at all. You’ve been snapping at me on the job. I’m over it. I’m taking a me day.” Gus brushes off the powder covering his pants and storms to the door.
“What the fuck is a me day?” I have zero patience for his bullshit today.
“A me day is a day to celebrate me, you grumpy motherfucker. You’ve been bringing me down all week, and I need to take some time.”
I groan. “Wouldn’t we all like to take some time? It’s not an option. Pull your head out of your ass and stop whining.”
“I will not. I’m going to get a massage, go get a nice lunch. Hey, maybe I’ll grow some balls and call the girl I like,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Who the hell do you like?” I ask, because that came out of left field.
“I’m being sarcastic, you dickfilet. You like someone and you are moping around like an idiot.”
“I’m not talking about this with you. You’re the one who fucked it all up by telling her I liked her.”
“I’m the one who got you in the door. You’re the one who couldn’t stay there,” he says, and I see red.
I storm toward him and punch the wall beside him. “Go take your me day, and get out of my face.”