by Primo Levi
MINISTER OF THE WATERS (interrupts): Water is a superb conductor of sound, gentlemen! It is twenty-seven times as fast as air!
MANY VOICES: Slow down! Slow down!
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR (continuing): . . . can be said about the ears. It is indeed very easy to construct a subaquatic ear, but equally difficult to generate sound in water. I confess that I wouldn’t know how to clarify for you the physical explanation for this, which is not, by the way, my business; rather, the Minister of the Waters and our distinguished colleague the Anatomist will have to explain the singular circumstance of the proverbial muteness of fish. Perhaps it’s a sign of wisdom, but it seems to me that during my inspection visits I had to travel to a remote corner of the sea surrounding the Antilles to find a fish that emitted sounds; and these were barely articulated and even less pleasant, and, so far as I could determine, the above-mentioned fish, whose name escapes me . . .
VOICES: The cow fish! The cow fish!
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR: . . . emits these sounds in an entirely blasé way at the moment in which the swim bladder is emptied. And, of particular interest, the fish surfaces before emitting the sound. In conclusion, I ask myself, and I ask you, what would the perfected ear of the Man-fish hear, if not the thunder when he gets near the surface, the rumble of the surf when he nears the coast, and the occasional lowing of his Antillean colleague? The decision is yours: but remember that, given the technology actually in hand, this creature would be half blind and, if not deaf, mute; therefore, what advantage would this provide in terms of (he grabs the Man motion from the table and reads out loud ) “the capability of expressing himself articulately etc. etc.” and then, further on, “proclivity for community life . . .”? I leave it to each of you to judge.
ARIMANE: I will take the liberty of proposing an end to this first fruitful exchange of viewpoints, assuming responsibility for the consequences. The Man then will be neither an arthropod nor a fish; it remains for us to decide whether he will be a mammal, a reptile, or a bird. If it is appropriate for me to express my bias, dictated less by reason than by sentiment and sympathy, allow me to urge the reptiles on your attention.
I will not hide from you that, of the multiple forms and figures created by your art and ingenuity, my admiration has been sparked by none more than the serpent. It is strong and cunning: “The most cunning of Earth’s creatures,” it has been called by the highest Judge. (All rise and bow) Its structure is of an exceptional simplicity and elegance, and it would be a shame not to perfect it further. He is a skillful and reliable poisoner: it shouldn’t be difficult for him to become, according to his merits, the master of the Earth, perhaps by creating a void in his immediate vicinity.
ANATOMY ADVISOR: All true; and I might add that serpents are extraordinarily economical, and lend themselves to numerous and interesting modifications, so that it wouldn’t be difficult, for example, to enlarge his brainpan by 40 percent, and so on. But I must remind you that so far no reptile among those which have been constructed has been able to survive in cold climates: subsection (c) of the motion would be in violation. I would be grateful to our thermodynamic colleague if he would confirm my statement with some numerical data.
THERMODYNAMIC ADVISOR (very curt): Median annual temperature above 10ºC; never temperatures less than 15ºC below zero. That says it all.
ARIMANE (embarrassed laugh): I must confess to you that these circumstances, though obvious, escaped me; nor will I hide from you my disappointment, since I have often thought recently about the striking appearance Earth’s surface would have, furrowed in every sense by powerful multicolored pythons, and how their cities, which I liked to imagine dug out among the roots of giant trees, would provide many spaces where individuals who had consumed a large meal could collectively rest and meditate. But, since I have been assured that all this is not possible, let’s abandon the thought and, since the choice is now restricted to mammals and birds, let’s dedicate all of our energy to a speedy decision. I see that our distinguished colleague the Psychologist requests leave to speak: and, since none can deny that he is responsible for a large part of the project, I beg all of you to give him your full attention.
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR (precipitously begins to speak before the other has finished): In my opinion, as I have already indicated, the solution should be looked for elsewhere. Ever since I published my celebrated study on termites and ants (interruptions from various parts of the audience), I’ve had in my drawer a little project (the interruptions become increasingly violent) regarding some unique automatons that would ensure an incredible savings on nerve tissue.
All hell breaks loose, and, with great difficulty,
ARIMANE, gesticulating, calms things down.
ARIMANE: I have told you once already that these inventions of yours are of no interest to us. We absolutely do not have the time to study, launch, develop, and test a new model of animal, and you should be the first to advise us of this: now, tell me, regarding your precious hymenoptera, from prototype to their present stabilized morphology, didn’t a number—somewhere in the eight to nine figures—of years pass? We therefore call you to order, and this will be the last time; otherwise we will find ourselves forced to give up your precious assistance, since before you were hired your colleagues perfected, without making any great claims, for example, some splendid coelenterates, which still function very well today, never break down, reproduce themselves galore without complaint, and cost next to nothing.
Yes, those were the days, and I say it with no offense to anyone. Many working and few criticizing, much done and little said, and everything that came out of the factory was good enough and without any complications from you modernists. Nowadays, before we can move from design to manufacturing, we need the psychologist, the neurologist, and the histologist to sign off, as well as the certificate of inspection and the approval of the Aesthetic Committee in triplicate, and other such hullabaloo. And I’m told it’s still not enough, and that soon none other than a supervisor for Spiritual Things will be hired, which will make us all stand at attention . . . (Realizing that he has let himself go on, he is suddenly quiet and looks around with a certain embarrassment. He then turns again to the PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR) In conclusion, reflect upon it and then clearly explain to us if in your opinion we should research a Man-bird or a Man-mammal, and the reasons on which you base your decision.
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR (swallows repeatedly, sucks on his pencil, etc.; then): If the choice comes down to those two possibilities, it is my opinion that the Man should be a bird. (Uproar, comments. Everyone exchanges nods of satisfaction and approval; two or three start to get up as if everything had been concluded) One moment, goodness me! I didn’t mean by this that all we needed to do was dig out of the archives Project Sparrow or Project Barn Owl, change the register number and three or four opening paragraphs, and submit it to Central Development for them to build the prototype!
Please pay attention; I will try to briefly present to you (since I see that you are in a hurry) the idea’s main considerations. Everything is fine with regard to the motion’s subsections (b) and (d). Already today a large assortment of melodious birds exists and so the problem of an articulated language, at least as far as the anatomical aspect is concerned, can be considered resolved; while nothing of the sort has been done so far among the mammals. Am I right, Colleague Anatomist?
ANATOMY ADVISOR: Quite right, quite right.
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR: Naturally, still to be accomplished is the study of a brain adapted to create and use language, but this problem, in my limited competence, would remain nearly the same whatever form we decide to give Man. As for subsection (c), “suitability to life under extreme working conditions,” I can’t recall or come up with a criterion for choosing between mammals and birds; in both classes, species exist that easily adapt to the most disparate of climates and environments. It is, on the other hand, obvious that the ability to move quickly in flight constitutes an important prejudice in favor of the Man-bir
d, insofar as it would permit an exchange of information and foodstuffs over distances that span continents, which would facilitate the immediate installation of a single language and of a single civilization for the entire human race. It would eliminate the existing geographical obstacles and render futile the creation of artificial territorial boundaries from tribe to tribe. And I hardly need emphasize the other, more immediate advantages that rapid flight brings for both defense and offense against all land and sea species, as well as the expeditious discovery of ever new territories for hunting, farming, and development, for which it seems fair to formulate the axiom “The animal that flies never goes hungry.”
ORMUZ: Excuse the interruption, distinguished colleague: how does your Man-bird reproduce?
PSYCHOLOGY ADVISOR (surprised and irritated): What a strange question! It would reproduce like other birds, the male attracts the female or vice versa; the female is fertilized, a nest is built, the eggs are laid and incubated, the chicks are raised and educated by both parents until they achieve a minimum of independence. The fittest of them will survive. I don’t see any reason to change.
ORMUZ (at first uncertain, then a little more animated and passionate): No, gentlemen, it doesn’t seem so simple to me. Many of you know . . . and as for the rest of you, I have never made it a mystery . . . in short, to me, sexual differentiation has never seemed a great idea. It certainly has its advantages for the species; it also has advantages for the individual (even if it is my understanding that these advantages are of a rather short duration); but every objective observer must admit that sex is initially a terrifying complication and subsequently a permanent source of dangers and problems.
Nothing counts more than experience: since we are dealing with social life, please remember that the only example of a successfully realized social life, lasting from the Tertiary period to today without the least inconvenience, is that of the hymenoptera; in which, due in large part to my intercession, the sexual drama was evaded and relegated to the extreme margins of productive society.
Gentlemen, my prayer to you is the following: weigh your words before you pronounce them. Whichever Man will be, bird or mammal, it is our duty to make every effort to smooth his path, since the burden he must carry is very heavy. Having created him, we understand his brain, and we know what miraculous feats he is, at least potentially, capable of, but we likewise know his measure and his limits; we also know, since we had a hand in it, both the subliminal and aroused energies played out between the sexes. I don’t deny that the experience of combining the two mechanisms is intriguing; but I confess to my hesitation, I confess to my fear.
What will this creature be? Will he be dual, a centaur, a man as far as the precordium and from there on a beast; or will he be tied to an estrous cycle, and, if so, then how will he maintain a sufficient behavioral consistency? He will adhere not to (don’t laugh!) Good and Truth but to two goods and two truths. And when two men desire the same woman, or two women the same man, what will become of their social institutions, and of the laws that should protect them?
And what is to be said with regard to Man of those famous “elegant and economical solutions” boasted of by the Anatomy Advisor present here today, and enthusiastically backed by the Economist, also present, as a result of which the orifices and canals originally destined for excretion are shamelessly used for sexual purposes? This situation, which we know is due purely to a calculation to reduce encumbrances and costs, could be construed by our thinking animal as nothing other than a symbol of mockery, a despicable and disturbing mess, a sign of holy filth, of two-headed insanity, of chaos, inserted into his body, inalienable, eternal.
And here I come to my conclusion, gentlemen. Let there be Man, Man should be made, even if he is a bird, if that is what you want. But grant me the possibility of dealing with the problem immediately, of extinguishing today the seeds of conflict that will fatally explode tomorrow, so that we will not have to watch in the foreseeable future the unlucky spectacle of a male Man who forces his people into a war in order to win a woman, or of a female Man who distracts the mind of a male from noble causes and intentions in order to reduce him to subjugation. Remember: he who is about to be born will be our judge. Not only our errors but all of his, for all the centuries to come, will be upon our heads.
ARIMANE: You might even be right, but I don’t see the urgent need to bandage our heads when they’re not yet injured. That is, I don’t see either the possibility or the expedience of freezing Man in the planning stage, and that is for obvious reasons of expediting the work of production. If your disturbing predictions should then come to pass, well, we’ll see; there will be plenty of time and opportunity to make more suitable corrections to the model. On the other hand, since it appears that Man will be a bird, it seems to me that it’s not necessary to dramatize. The difficulties and risks that worry you can be easily limited. Sexual interest can be reduced to extremely brief periods, perhaps no more than a few minutes a year; there would be no pregnancy, no breast-feeding, a precise and powerful trend toward monogamy, a brief brooding time, babies that come out of the egg ready or almost ready for autonomous life. This can be attained without reconfiguring the anatomical plans that are now in force, which, besides everything else, would involve formidable impediments of both a bureaucratic and an administrative nature.
No, gentlemen, the decision has by now been made, and Man will be bird: bird in the true sense, not a penguin, not an ostrich, a flying bird with a beak, feathers, claws, eggs, and nest. All that remains is to define some important constructive details, which are:
(1) what the optimum dimensions will be;
(2) whether to predetermine if he is sedentary or migratory . . .
(At ARIMANE’s last words, the door at the back is cautiously opened. The head and shoulders of the MESSENGER appear; he, without daring to interrupt, glances around and vigorously gesticulates in order to attract the attention of those in the room. A murmur begins and then confusion, which ARIMANE finally becomes aware of) What is it? What’s happening?
MESSENGER (he winks at ARIMANE with the informal and confidential attitude of porters and sextons): Come outside a moment, your eminence. There is important news from . . . (with his head he motions behind and upward).
ARIMANE (follows him out the door; an agitated conversation is audible over the buzzing and remarks of the others. Suddenly, the half-open door is closed violently from the outside, and a little later opened again. ARIMANE comes back in, his pace slow and his head lowered. He is silent for a long time, then) . . . Let’s go home, gentlemen. It’s all over, all resolved. Home, home. What are we staying here for?
They didn’t wait for us: wasn’t I right to be in a hurry? Yet again, they wanted to show us that we aren’t necessary, that they know how to do it alone, that they don’t need anatomists, psychologists, or economists. They can do what they want.
. . . No, gentlemen, I don’t know many details. I don’t know if they consulted with anyone, or if they followed any logic, a long considered plan or a moment’s intuition. I know that they used seven measures of clay, and that they mixed it with river water and sea water; I know that they molded the mud into a form that they considered best. It appears to be an upright animal, with almost no fur, defenseless, and to the messenger here present it seemed akin to a monkey and a bear: an animal without wings or feathers, and therefore to be considered substantially mammal. It further seems that the female Man was created from one of his ribs . . . (voices, questions) . . . from one of his ribs, yes, by a procedure that was not clear to me, and which I would not hesitate to define as unorthodox, and I have no idea whether it is intended to be maintained for future generations. Into this creature was infused I do not know what breath, and he moved. Thus Man was born, oh, gentlemen, a long way from our consensus: simple, isn’t it? If and how much he conforms to the requirements proposed to us, or if instead we are dealing with a Man by mere definition and convention, I do not have the necessary informat
ion to determine.
There is nothing else to do, then, but wish this anomalous creature a long and prosperous career. Our colleague Secretary will take charge of the message of good wishes, the validation form, registration in the roster, the calculation of costs, et cetera; the rest of you are free of all duties. Be of good cheer, gentlemen; the meeting is adjourned.
Retirement Package
I had gone to the Fair for no particular reason or need, compelled by that irrational sense of duty that all Milanese understand, and without which the Fair wouldn’t be the Fair, meaning that most days it would be empty, and convenient and easy to visit.
I was very surprised to find Simpson at the NATCA stand. He greeted me with a sunny smile: “You weren’t expecting to see me, eh, in this stall, usually occupied by a pretty girl or a young agent fresh out of the gate! In fact, it’s none of my business to be standing here, responding to the silly questions of passersby (ahem . . . present company excluded, of course), and trying to guess who among them are actually competitors in disguise, which isn’t really that hard, because their questions are less silly. But I came here on a whim, even I don’t know why. But wait, why not say it? There’s nothing to be ashamed of: I came out of gratitude.”
“Gratitude to whom?”
“To NATCA, for goodness’ sake. Yesterday was a great day for me.”
“Did you get a promotion?”
“What do you mean, promotion! More promoted than I already am . . . no, no: I’m retiring. Come on, let’s go to the bar—I’ll buy you a whiskey.”
He told me that according to company policy he should have retired in two more years, but he had asked for early retirement, and just yesterday had received a telex giving the management’s consent.