He’d sent Gray to pick up the rest of his stuff while Sam had been in rehab. Seeing his side of the closet so bare had taken some getting used to—she still wasn’t sure she was accustomed to the sight.
Over the past year Sam had texted her, called, left notes and flowers. He’d sent Marley flowers, as well, and she had always displayed them on the nightstand right next to her bed. She wasn’t naive. She knew he wanted their life back, but hearts weren’t so easily mended. In theory, having a whole family again sounded picture perfect, but reality proved to be a different story.
Tara would never admit to anyone that she still had each and every note Sam had mailed—yes, mailed—or put under her windshield wiper over the past year. They were in a neat, orderly stack in the top drawer of her dresser.
When she’d received the first note, she’d wanted to shred it and throw it away because even seeing his handwriting had been too painful. But she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of it because, as much as she wanted to hate Sam, she knew addiction wasn’t a choice. He certainly hadn’t chosen to get hurt and have a physician prescribe something so addictive. Yet she’d had to let him go in order to save him.
“Are you okay, Mommy?”
Tara turned her attention to Marley and smiled, though her throat burned with emotions. “Better now that you’re home.”
“Is Daddy okay? You guys seem kinda sad.”
Why were kids so in tune with their surroundings? Tara could tell Marley eight times to get her shoes on in the morning for school and her daughter would still shuffle around in her socks until the last minute. Yet here she was, picking up on the tension between her parents without a word being spoken on the topic.
Tara would have to work harder because, as much as she hated to admit it, Sam had been right. They had to pretend to be happily married, just like they had been.
Oh, they’d been so happy. They’d been that sickening couple who held hands in public, who sent lovey-dovey texts throughout the day, who woke up holding each other after making love and falling asleep in each other’s arms. They’d had their occasional disagreements, but nothing they hadn’t been able to overcome.
Until addiction crept in and they couldn’t overcome.
“Mommy?”
Tara smoothed Marley’s hair away from her face and tapped on her daughter’s nose. “What do you say we binge-watch your favorite movies all day? We’ll have your favorite foods, too.”
“Well, Dad is already making tacos, so that only leaves pizza for lunch.”
“Pizza it is,” Sam stated, coming into the room juggling three bowls of strawberry ice cream. “I’ll go out and get the stuff and you can help me make it.”
“Deal,” Marley squealed as she took her ice cream. “Are both of you off today?”
Sam’s eyes met Tara’s. He offered a smile and a wink. “I took time off to be with my family.”
Those last two words nearly gutted Tara. Sam seemed a little too settled into this temporary role and they’d only been faking it a few hours. How would she survive the rest of this farce?
More important, what would happen when Marley remembered that her father didn’t actually live here anymore? How would she react to reliving her dog dying, her father leaving? The first time had been crushing to her sweet girl. She’d had nightmares, worried something would happen to her daddy because he wasn’t home where he should be. Tara had just gotten Marley sleeping through the night again.
Tara didn’t like the lies already mounting. Nothing about this was okay. Nothing.
After they finished their ice cream, Tara sent Marley to her room to get her favorite pillow, blanket and stuffed animal for movie time. Once she was out of earshot, Tara crossed to the mantel and adjusted some of the photos to give her hands something to do.
“I lived with half-truths and flat-out lies for too long,” she started. “I don’t like this, Sam.”
His boots shuffled on the hardwood floor and she tensed as he moved closer. But he didn’t reach for her.
“I don’t like lying to her, either,” Sam agreed. “But we have to trust the doctors. Telling her about an entire year will only confuse her and hurt her even more. Do you want her to relive that all over again? And then again when she really remembers it?”
Tara pulled in a deep breath and turned to face him. “She’ll have to relive it at some point and I think it’s better coming from us than to have her smacked in the face with a blindsided thought.”
“Not today.” He took another step forward until he was too close. “Today, let’s be the family she needs.”
“And the family you want?”
The muscles in his jaw clenched. “I can’t change the past, Tara. But I can sure as hell make the future better for all of us.”
She’d never heard him speak with such conviction. Before he’d entered rehab, Sam had begged her to give him another chance, but she’d been all out and knew if she didn’t push him away, he’d never get better. She simply couldn’t risk letting him in again. Not into her heart, not into her bed.
Since he’d gotten out of rehab, he’d been the epitome of a gentleman and she wasn’t sure if that pleased her and made her life easier or if it irritated the hell out of her because she couldn’t figure out his angle. She thought he wanted her back, but he’d never said the words. He was just always present in one way or another.
Damn it. Her nerves were utterly shot.
“You need to sign those papers.”
Sam opened his mouth, but Marley came into the room and dropped her stuff right at their feet.
“Can we watch cooking shows instead of movies?” she asked, looking between her parents, completely oblivious to the turmoil.
Well, she hadn’t been oblivious. Marley knew something was up, but Tara vowed to make sure her daughter didn’t suspect anything was wrong from here on out.
“Of course,” Sam replied. “Then maybe you can make dinner.”
“No way. You promised me tacos and I want corn cakes to go with it.”
Sam ruffled Marley’s hair. “You’re lucky I love you.”
And he did. Above all else, Sam loved Marley like she was his very own. He had from the moment he’d come into their lives. Even during his treatment, he’d made sure Marley knew he would be okay.
But he couldn’t be the man she’d married. He would never be that man again and for that reason alone Tara had had to come to grips with the fact they were over.
Playing house was not helping her already battered heart and this was only the beginning.
Chapter Four
“Where’s the picture when we were skiing?”
Sam stilled in the recliner across the room from Marley. Tara had gone into the other room to call Kate and Lucy since they kept texting and were worried.
“Which one?” he asked, knowing full well which photo she referred to.
There was only one that had been displayed on the mantel before. The ski trip had been one of their first getaways as a family.
Marley paused the television show as the chef set the dessert on fire. Sam watched as she slid from her makeshift bed on the sofa and crossed to the mantel. The same photos Tara had fiddled with earlier were spread across the top of it. Sam had noticed some were missing, but he hadn’t said a word earlier. This was no longer his house, and as much as his obvious absence hurt him, he had no right to question Tara. She’d had to move on; she’d had to cope however was best for her.
“It always sat right here.” Marley pointed to a spot where a decorative black lantern now sat. “It’s my favorite family picture because we had that lady take it right after we got to the top of the mountain and you had to hold on to me so I didn’t fall off the lift. Remember, Dad?”
He remembered. He recalled every single detail of their trip. His addiction hadn’t swallowed his life at that point
and his family had been whole and happy. They’d taken a spontaneous trip to the mountains and Tara and Marley had taken to the snow like champs. He, on the other hand, had not only hurt his backside by falling so many times, his ego had taken a hit, as well.
“Sometimes Mommy likes to rearrange things,” he explained. “I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”
Marley crossed to him. When she climbed onto his lap, it took all of Sam’s strength not to lose it. He’d seen his daughter since the separation, she’d stayed over at his apartment multiple times. But he hadn’t been in this chair, in this house, cuddling with his girl.
“Can we go get Daisy now? I miss her.”
Well, that was going to be a problem.
Sam smoothed her long dark hair from her face. His little girl was going to be a stunner when she grew up—just like her mother.
“Your mom and I will talk in a bit. Why don’t you rest here on the sofa without the television?”
When her lip came out and she attempted those puppy-dog eyes, Sam squeezed her close to his chest. “Nice try, but you are recovering and rest is important. Your mom and I will be here, but we have things to discuss so we’ll stay in the kitchen.”
Marley eased back, her big blue eyes locked onto his. “Is something wrong, Dad? You and Mom seem weird.”
Marley had always been smart and mature for her age, something he’d always been so proud of. “We’re worried about you. We want you to feel better and make sure you don’t fall off the playground equipment again.”
Her brows drew in. “I don’t remember falling.”
Of course she didn’t. While they weren’t telling her the events of the past year, they had discussed how she’d gotten the knot and the headache.
“That may be best,” he told her. “But why don’t you rest. Okay? Maybe we can go to the park later.”
“After we pick up Daisy.”
Something came over her face as she glanced to the front door, then to Sam. Her brows drew in and her chin quivered.
“What is it, sweetheart?” he asked, patting her gently.
“Daisy,” she murmured as tears filled her eyes.
Sam’s heart clenched.
“She isn’t coming back, is she?”
He wanted to lie and tell her Daisy was fine, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie now that she had figured it out. “She’s not. I’m sorry, baby.”
Marley flung her arms around his neck, and warm tears landed on his bare skin as he comforted her with a strong hug. He held tight, letting her deal with her emotions however she needed to.
“I don’t know what happened to her.” Marley’s tearful, muffled voice came from the crook of his neck. “I just remembered a flash of her going to the back door, but the door was stuck and I had to take her out the front, but she ran off without me.”
Another layer of guilt because Sam had been supposed to fix that door. There was a spot on their rear porch where they’d hooked Daisy so she could walk into the side yard and onto the porch and to her bed near the porch swing. But the door had been stuck that day and Sam hadn’t gotten it fixed... Instead, he’d gone and gotten his own fix.
Marley had let Daisy out the front door, but the gate hadn’t been closed and the dog had chased a cat and been hit by a car.
Sam recalled that same back door was the one he’d nearly ripped off the hinges the day he’d left. A few days after Tara had kicked him out, he’d been sober enough to come by and fix it while he knew she’d be at work.
He’d sanded it down and repaired it, but it was still the same door. It didn’t stick anymore, but he still hated that damn thing and he hated even more that his innocent daughter was sobbing in his arms yet again over the loss of her beloved pet.
“We’ll get a new dog,” he promised her. He probably should discuss this with Tara, but right now, Sam would promise Marley anything to get her to stop crying. “You really need to rest and we can talk about Daisy later. But you’ve had enough trauma for one day.”
Marley eased back and sniffed as she nodded. “My next dog will have to be named Daisy.”
Sam smiled as he framed her delicate face and swiped her tears away. “Name her anything you want.”
He said nothing more as she slid off his lap. Marley made her way to the couch and cozied up into a ball before Sam slipped from the room. He hoped she could rest and not lie there and cry, but he would be checking in on her shortly to make sure.
Sam eased the pocket doors shut to help drown out some of the noise. They were one of the things he loved about this old cottage they’d lived in. The charm of this home they’d found together, combined with the stylish way Tara always kept each room decorated, always made Sam feel like this was a sanctuary—their sanctuary.
His bare apartment didn’t come close to feeling like a home or looking as amazing as this house.
Sam stepped into the kitchen just as Tara sat her cell on the table. She offered him a forced smile and he hated that he’d done this to her. Hated that he’d taken the genuine smile from her lips, taken the light from her eyes.
“She’s resting,” he said, nodding toward the living room. “But she just remembered Daisy isn’t here anymore. She doesn’t know how she died, but understandably Marley is pretty upset.”
“Of course she is. Damn it, I don’t like this,” Tara repeated. He’d lost count of how many times she’d said that since being given the doctor’s advice. Tara left no room for questions on where she stood regarding their opinions.
Tara rubbed her forehead, then raked her hand over her face. Despite the fact that Sam found his wife stunningly beautiful at all times, he couldn’t deny how exhausted she appeared. She had to be in a rough position, worried about Marley and having the one man she couldn’t stand the sight of back in her house.
He couldn’t blame her. There had been days he couldn’t stand the sight of himself, either. But then he’d healed, he’d started taking a whole new outlook on life. And he was damn well going to keep moving forward until he was proud of himself again.
Without thinking, Sam took a step and started to reach for her. He hesitated, his hand in the air between them. Tara glanced from his extended arm to his eyes. Her silence was more of a green light than he’d experienced in a year.
Slowly he reached for her, feathering his fingertips across her face. Her eyes remained locked onto his and he wasn’t sure if either of them had taken a breath.
“Sam.”
He said nothing as he slid her hair behind her ear and left his hand right there, right at the edge of her jawline where she had a sensitive spot.
“I know you don’t want me here and I promise not to make things difficult.” Yet he couldn’t stop himself from touching her. “Just because we’re getting divorced doesn’t mean I don’t care. You’re tired, Tara.”
“I’ll rest when she’s better.” Her bottom lip quivered a second before she glanced away. “I appreciate you being here for her, though.”
Anger bubbled within him.
“Where did you think I’d be? She’s my daughter.”
Tara shook her head. “She is, but—”
“Are you going to go there?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Are you going to throw my past into my face? Fine, let’s bring it out into the open again. I know I didn’t make it to her birthday party. I’m well aware I missed bedtime stories and tucking her in more times than I can count, and I’m damn well aware of the fact that I let you down. I’ll say it until you believe it, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the hell you had to endure.”
Tara closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath. Sam had to fist his hands at his sides to keep from reaching for her again. He was angry, but mostly at himself. No, he didn’t like that she was going to bring up the wall that had divided them, but at the same time, he deserved no less.
She’d
see eventually that he’d changed, that his separation from her would be his penance until the day he died. That didn’t mean he’d ever give up showing her that he still cared...that he still loved her.
“I didn’t mean to bring it up,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “I know you worked hard to get clean, but this past year has been rough and now with Marley...”
Never in the past had he questioned when to comfort and hold Tara, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to start now. They were in this together and seeing her hurt absolutely ripped his heart to shreds.
Sam closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her. When she stiffened, Sam gritted his teeth and cursed every blasted pill he’d ever popped, every lie he’d ever told, every tear he’d ever caused her to shed.
“You can trust me to be here for this,” he murmured against her ear. “You can trust that this recovery period will be me as the foundation and the rock. I promise you.”
She didn’t return his hug; her arms dangled limp at her sides. But she rested her forehead on his chest. That small act proved she still cared for him. Maybe that was even worse than having her hate him. If they cared for each other, but couldn’t find a way to be together, wasn’t that the worst punishment of all?
“Group hug.”
Sam glanced to the doorway as Marley smiled and came at them with her little arms open wide. He turned his attention back to Tara. She sniffed as she glanced up and met his eyes when Marley wrapped her arms around them...or tried to, anyway.
“I thought you were sleeping,” Sam said, not taking his eyes off his wife.
When Tara remained still, Sam slid his hands down her arms and eased them onto her waist.
“Group hug,” he murmured.
“I don’t want to rest. I can’t stop thinking about Daisy and my heart hurts.” Marley eased back, then frowned. “Why is Mom crying?”
For Their Child's Sake Page 3