“Jesus, come on, really? Go out and hold your head high. Reed doesn’t control you anymore.” I hear Luke and Lilly in the background saying something. “I have to go… Luke, man, you promised.” The line goes dead.
I hate my life. I hate Reed and Jax. I would give anything to be with Brance and my kids right now. I take a big breath then wash my hands and dig inside my bag to fix my makeup a little. My poor hair that Stacey worked so hard on earlier is now curly thanks to the rain. As I apply my lipstick, my mind drifts back to Reed’s despicable behavior. He thinks he can control me? I almost laugh—he’s not the only one who’s changed. I have survived too much to give up and let him control everything. And yet somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that’s not true. Reed and I had a give-and-take relationship, and when he did control things, it’s because I wanted him too. Unlike now where he seems to think he can prove that my body still wants him. Craves him. That he’ll make me fall at his feet. Oh God, is he right? I did let him finger me to orgasm in record time.
Unlocking the door, I peek out at a couple walking by dressed in black, crying. I need to find Caroline.
“Tess?” I almost scream and turn to see Brad walking toward me. “There you are, sweetheart. Reed said you came in. I’ve been looking for you.”
He looks awful, simply awful.
“I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” He gives me a hug and a tight squeeze. I feel horrible. Poor Brad has lost his father and I’m locked in his bathroom, mad at his son, and have to stay here tonight. So I hug him again.
He pats my back. “Thank you.”
His green eyes look like shimmering emeralds and much like Luke’s. Apparently, it’s a Saddington trait. Reed’s and Jax’s eyes are turquoise but not Luke’s and Lilly’s. They’re bright emerald green although Lilly’s sometimes have a few flecks of blue. He escorts me through the lobby and into the parlor.
“To be honest, I feel like a truck ran over me, but I’ll survive. It feels good to have Reed back and everything out in the open.” His eyes get misty again. “He took it really well, Tess.”
I nod. “Yes,” I croak as my cheeks heat up.
He looks far away for a second then smiles down at me. My heart aches at his pain and resemblance to his son.
“We explained everything to him. He knows about Lexi lying and you being sick. He agreed that all of the drug use would be a huge concern.”
I can only nod not trusting myself to speak. I mean what am I going to say? Dream on, Brad. Your son despises me and seems to be planning his revenge by terrorizing me and turning my body against me.
He walks us into the parlor, which is full of a bunch of people I haven’t seen in years but recognize.
Sure enough, that old feeling that I don’t belong takes hold and I hate it. Thankfully, I don’t feel like this anymore living in Los Angeles. It’s a whole different vibe. I paste on a fake smile as I walk through the room looking for Caroline. I have always hated this about being rich. It’s one of the reasons I’m raising Luke and Lilly differently. All these people are so out of touch, never talking about much of anything except what benefits them. They don’t have a clue what the rest of the world is doing nor do they care. Not that I’m poor. Ian and Brad made sure I was taken care of. I live in a great neighborhood in a three-bedroom house. I have a dog and a large backyard with a wooden playground. I don’t have a nanny or a house cleaner. I don’t even drive a fancy car. My money goes to my kids and the house because something always seems to need to be fixed. It’s a far cry from my penthouse days and dropping fifty thousand dollars on a shopping spree.
Brad points out Caroline to me and excuses himself to speak to some well-wishers. Quickly I make my way to her side. I’m exhausted and want to give her a hug and go to my room and sleep until the whole nightmare repeats itself tomorrow.
“Caroline.” I gently touch her shoulder. She’s dressed in a stunning black dress with heels, talking to a short older woman. They stand by the fireplace; flames dance inside it.
She looks over at me as she fans herself with a white cloth napkin. “Tess, thank God you’re here.”
Poor Caroline looks as bad as Brad. Remorse trickles down to my stomach. After all, they have had to harbor my secret for four years also.
I clear my throat and hug her. “I’m so sorry. I mean that in more ways than I can count,” I whisper as we rock together in a tight hug.
“Don’t, Tess. You have nothing to feel guilty about with me.”
I guess that means I do with Reed, but since I’ve been torturing myself with it for years, I own it.
“Olivia, you remember Tess, right? My God, this fire is melting me.” She dabs the napkin at her face.
Olivia looks at me with her glasses then at Caroline. “Get on hormones, Caroline. It will do wonders for you.” She turns to me. “Still a skinny thing aren’t you? Just like your mother. I heard you have been traveling?”
I stare at her blankly.
“Olivia, excuse us. I need to borrow Tess for a moment.”
I follow her, my eyes scanning the room for Reed. My tiredness must be the only explanation for my disappointment when I don’t see him.
Caroline opens the door to Grandfather Ian’s study and shuts it behind us. It’s the same as it was the first time I entered. Except it’s quiet without Grandfather Ian’s strong presence. His mustard-colored walls and dark wood cabinets have always fascinated me. Let’s be honest—few rooms can pull off mustard walls. My eyes drift to his Monet. It’s one of my favorites and I’ve loved it since I was a child.
“How do you think Reed is taking everything?” She whirls to face me. I take a step back, exhausted with the subject.
“You tell me. He said all of ten words to me and none of them were pleasant.”
She walks to the liquor buffet and pours herself a drink.
“Caroline, you look tired. Why don’t you get some rest? Tomorrow is going to be stressful.” She sighs and looks out the window.
“It’s raining and it should be snowing. Everything is off right now.” She turns her head to look at me. “I thought once we told him it would magically fix everything.” She takes a large drink of her whiskey. “I feel like he took it too well. Does that make any sense?”
I lower myself into the beautiful large hunter green couch next to the fireplace, its warmth almost beckoning me to sit, curl up, and hide. “I don’t know Reed anymore. He’s different with me now, but we’ll work it out for Luke and Lilly’s sake.” Rubbing my forehead, I force a smile. She must see I’m lying because she brings her drink and sits next to me.
“Just so you’re up to date, Brad and I have announced Luke and Lilly to everyone. We played it off like you and Reed have been together in Europe.” She waves her slender wrist in the air.
Stunned, I drop my hand. “You did what? Caroline, last I heard he is still married to Lexi. You didn’t actually tell all those people that, did you?”
She looks down at her drink. “I did. Half of them already know about Luke and Lilly anyway.”
I stare at her. “I thought we weren’t going to lie anymore?”
“Reed has been separated from Lexi for almost two years. I’m not even sure they are still married.”
I must be looking at her like she’s insane because she raises a waxed brow. “What?”
I sigh and groan at the same time. “Nothing. I’ll say whatever you want. It’s only that… I mean, won’t Lexi be here tomorrow?”
“Let Reed deal with that. I will not speak to her. I don’t care that she has apparently gotten sober. After she lied to you about being pregnant and considering she was a heroin addict…” She whispers the heroin as though someone other than I will hear it.
I sit up. This is ridiculous. The mere mention of Lexi reminds me how we got to this spot. “Which room is mine?” I say this out of politeness already knowing what room is mine.
“The pink suite is ready for you.”
I stand and turn. “Are you going
to be all right?” I chew on the bottom of my lip, watching her eyes go to the massive oil paintings of Reed and Jax and Luke and Lilly.
“I’m sad, but it’s a sad time.” She shrugs. “Nobody gets a rose garden.”
“He was a great man. I’m going to miss him.”
She nods and sips her drink. “He was. Reed looks good, doesn’t he?”
This stops me cold. “Reed always looks good.”
She looks over at me, her eyes so sad. “Good night.”
I move to hug her, yet she stops me. “We should have told him.” Her voice is barely a whisper, but it hits me and I close my eyes to the wave of pain that flows through me.
“Yes, and in hindsight, I should have said I’m sorry for making you a part of it.”
She squeezes my arm, and I open my eyes to see hers swimming with tears. “I want you to forgive him. Like he has forgiven you.”
I almost laugh because she can’t honestly believe that, but then again, he’s her son. “I’ll try.”
She pulls me in for a tight hug. “It’s all going to work out this time. I can feel it.”
I give her a supportive smile. I wish I had something to say that would make her feel better… better about that day in the hospital when all our fates were decided.
TESS
Closing the door behind me, I take a moment to get my mind functioning. Despite my exhaustion, it will be impossible to sleep with him so near. Pushing off the door, I climb the steps. This house holds too many memories. I’m trying to process all that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. Who am I kidding? I might as well go back four years.
My stomach grumbles, and I should grab something light, but I’m already at my room. I’ll eat in the morning. Entering the pink suite makes me grin even with the sadness clinging to every wall. It’s completely gaudy: gold, ornate furniture and matching French art adorn it. A smaller bedroom for the kids is connected. Ian made his interior decorator create children’s classics. Mother Goose, characters from Where the Wild Things Are, and Jack and the Beanstalk are hand painted on the walls by a local artist. We haven’t been here in probably six months. But stacked neatly in the corner are Luke and Lilly’s toys and what seem to be some new ones.
This time, I allow myself to sink to my knees and curl up and cry. I cry for Ian Saddington. He loved my children and me, he loved his family, and now he is gone. Lying back on the fluffy white rug, I look at the pretty clouds painted on the ceiling. How did it all get so screwed up? I’m not a bad person. I guess I made some bad decisions, but what sane person would do it differently?
I can still see the ridiculous amounts of balloons the day I took them home—the day I made my decision.
Pink, blue, sparkly, shiny. All are bundled up in the corner of my large suite at the hospital. The toilet flushes and a happy but tired-looking Brance emerges, dousing his hands with hand sanitizer. He leans over and tries to stick my baby boy’s hand back in his swaddled blanket. The nurses have given us numerous lessons on why a baby must be swaddled—how it mimics the womb and makes them feel secure and how all babies love it. All babies except my son. He seems to hate it. We’ve tried everything, but he’s like Houdini. He can escape the most professional swaddle. Now, my daughter, she sleeps like an angel—all tucked in like a cute baby burrito.
I’m discharged and I have my drugs for the pain, although having a C-section was a breeze compared to even the thought of pushing them out. Anyway, I’m ready and waiting for Brad, Caroline, and Ian to finish doing whatever they do, and we’re taking my babies home.
Home. Without Reed. I lay my head back and try not to go there. After all, today is a happy day.
“I’m not sure premed is my thing.” Jax strolls in pushing a brand new red Bugaboo Donkey2 stroller.
“Why? You’re a genius.”
He snorts. “I’m far from a genius. And you need to have a true passion to be great. I’m working on something else anyway.” He stretches and smiles down at Lilly who gives a big baby sigh. All of us “Ahhh” and Brance hurries over like he’s going to miss something.
“Okay, you’re all checked out,” Ian informs us as Brad and Caroline trail behind. Caroline is carrying a pink bear and a blue bear. I sigh because everything they keep bringing to the room is yet another thing we have to load.
Ian clears his throat. “Before we leave and since we are all here, I need to tell you something.”
All eyes are on him. Dread creeps up my stomach and I want to sneak out and hide. It’s obvious from his tone what this is about… Oh God, I don’t know if I’m ready. The nightmare of the last phone call is still fresh like an open wound that refuses to heal.
I sit on the edge of the bed. Brance sits next to me and takes my hand.
“So I have been having Reed watched. He is married to Lexi, but she lied about being pregnant.”
I think I’ve stopped breathing. Did he just say she’s not pregnant?
I look around the room. Brad has his arm wrapped around Caroline as they stare out the window at the dirty snow in Manhattan. Jax is standing next to me. It’s his strong voice that breaks me out of my stupor.
“Go on.” He crosses his arms.
“Lexi is on drugs, specifically heroin. According to my PI, Reed is not, but he is barely around and his lifestyle is not something a child should ever be exposed to.” His jaw is tense causing his right eye to twitch.
“I can’t make this decision for you, Tess, but until I can get to him and have him cleaned up, I don’t feel comfortable…”
I jump up then flinch at my C-section staples. “Wait, Reed is on heroin?”
“No, Reed is not, but Lexi is. There is also some other man living with them, and he is using with Lexi.”
My breakfast is churning. What the fuck? Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think he wouldn’t come back. Or that he was so far gone that he couldn’t come back.
The room is silent apart from the faint beeping of a monitor far down the hall.
I clear my voice. “I… I want to go home and when Reed gets himself together, I will tell him. My main concern is my children.” Is that actually my voice? I sound like a bad soap opera actress.
“Tess, are you sure?”
I look at Brad. “It was one thing to keep this secret while you were on bed rest, another altogether now that the babies are born. I feel we should tell him. He deserves to know about them. He deserves to be a father.”
He’s right, and if Lexi wasn’t involved, I would. I shake my head. “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t have him near them and I can’t take the chance that he wouldn’t try to fight for them. I will never let my children near Lexi.” As if in defense of his father, Luke opens his eyes and out comes an earsplitting wail, jolting me to action. Suddenly the eerily quiet room is a cacophony of raised voices and screaming babies.
“Time the fuck out.”
“Jax,” Caroline scolds. “The babies.”
He rolls his eyes at her. “Everyone needs to calm down! You’re upsetting yourselves and the twins. Tess is making the right decision. Reed is disturbed right now. He needs some serious help. This isn’t forever. It’s a day at a time. He may show up tonight being the old Reed. But the Reed I dealt with in Vegas was not someone who is capable of coparenting.”
And that was the end of it. It was only supposed to be temporary. A way to protect my children.
That day, as I looked around the hospital room, I saw it in their eyes, except Brance’s. Every single one of them blamed me for Reed’s ruin. And now, they still blame me; they love him. It was only supposed to be a day, a week, maybe a month. But time flies and somehow here I lie, staring up at painted clouds, wondering if anything I remember matters anymore.
I drag myself to bed. Not bothering to remove my makeup, I take off my bra and pants and crawl beneath the clean sheets.
White light fills my room and I sit up as the loud thunder follows. The clock on the night stand says 4:30 a.m. I feel like hell. Lying
back down, I wait for everything to crash onto me. I don’t think I’ve been this depressed ever. Even on bed rest I had Brance or Jax or even Caroline to keep me company. As the rain rages outside, the old estate seems to embrace it. If I hadn’t heard the lightning, I probably wouldn’t have woken. Tossing and turning, I know I won’t go back to sleep. My body feels feverish and I have to fight not to touch myself to take the edge off. Masturbating would make him win. It would be acknowledging that I want his touch again.
I groan in frustration. Scott. Think about Scott. After all, he is supposedly my boyfriend. Closing my eyes, all I see is Reed. I open them and face the truth that it is over between Scott and me. And if it wasn’t 1:30 in the morning, I would call and tell him the truth.
I huff out a breath. He should know. I haven’t been intimate with him in over two months, and the last time was rushed to put it nicely. His touch was too gentle, too hesitant, and his lack of control never fulfilled me. We were great friends and that’s how it should have stayed. But after no one had touched me for so long, my loneliness was my only weakness. That and my desperate need to replace Reed or at least pretend I did. I turn on my side toward the large French doors and watch the rain and wind blow the large beech tree outside.
Hot tears spill down my cheek. Why do I have to still love him? It’s like I can’t stop myself. Loving Reed is the closest I’ve ever come to an addiction. If only I could close my eyes and sleep for a week.
I swing my legs over the bed. No use lying here crying about my life and the fact that no matter what he does to me, somewhere deep inside I will always want him, crave him.
Thank God Brance and the twins will be here soon. I smile at the thought of Brance having to tackle getting them ready this morning. Lilly will be easy. She loves Brance primping her. Luke, not so much. In fact, when I showed him his suite he said, “No way” and ran out of the room. Each day they grow, and I fall a little more in love with them. So much that I’m willing to do anything to make sure they are mentally healthy and safe.
The Enlightened (Entitled Book 2) Page 10